bethben Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 My dd is going to public school full time. She has always had a hard time with people who bully other people. She is also not the most diplomatic of people and when she confronts someone, you know you're being confronted. Like a policeman to a criminal confrontation. She's been in school three days. Two of those days, she has mentioned some confrontation of her defending a child who was being picked on. It seems like the attention gets diverted away from the other child to her. She told a kid today to stop picking on her friend. Then this kid got in her face and threatened to tell on the teacher that she was being mean. She probably did seem mean to him because she is not quiet nor is she using words that would diffuse a situation quietly most likely. I'm not quite sure how to navigate this with her. How to train her to still stick up for the child being picked on, but not get into a fight with the one doing the picking. These are not major bullying moments where someone is getting beat up, just little comments here or there by kids who should just keep quiet. I've told her to take the kid being bullied somewhere else and she has done that in the past, but the latest incident happened in a line up to go back into school. So, it's a good thing that she has this strong desire to protect those who can't protect themselves, but the way she does it is probably going to get her into a fight someday. Any suggestions how to help her navigate bullies? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Why shouldn't she get into fights with bullies? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 You might ask her, what is the point to getting into it with these people? To escalate the situation? Is that going to serve the victim of the bully? If she can visualize what would be a good outcome more clearly, perhaps it will help her decide how to act in a more discerning way. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 (edited) Perhaps guide her to help the bullied kid instead of confronting the bully. If a bully is teasing someone, dd could take the bullied kid by the hand and walk away quietly saying the opposite of what the bully said. So bully makes fun of a girl's clothes, dd takes the girl and says she loves her shirt- it's so bright and cheerful. Sometimes a confrontation is necessary, but not always. Edited August 9, 2017 by Annie G 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Why shouldn't she get into fights with bullies? In a school setting in the US, she could be setting herself up for trouble. If she is pegged as the aggressor, she will be punished. Suspension and expulsion are possible. She may get a reputation with teachers and administrators in the district as a "problem" and not get the education she deserves. In an ideal world, it would be great if she were recognized for trying to help a victim. In this world, it could go very badly for her. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 In a school setting in the US, she could be setting herself up for trouble. If she is pegged as the aggressor, she will be punished. Suspension and expulsion are possible. She may get a reputation with teachers and administrators in the district as a "problem" and not get the education she deserves. In an ideal world, it would be great if she were recognized for trying to help a victim. In this world, it could go very badly for her. It's the same here. But I'm quite aware that no one except children with personal power will do anything about bullies and I would hesitate to teach a child, particularly a girl, that it is best to protect the bullies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Lol @ her tone. Excellent. Twerps, like spades, should be called what they are. I think I'd point out the possible ramifications and let her work that into her algorithm for decision making. Ime it takes approximately three decades to hammer it out just right 😠Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted August 9, 2017 Author Share Posted August 9, 2017 We're going with "tell a teacher" and try to change the conversation. I told her to try complimenting the verbal bully because it may get them distracted enough or like a PP suggested and try to say the opposite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa R. Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 There's not really enough information here to evaluate this welll. From the little you've described, it sounds like this is, in fact, an effective way to deal with bullies. Kudos to her for not being diplomatic. Or tactful. Or quiet. From your description, it sounds like the bullies got their feelings hurt. "I was in the middle of inappropriately asserting myself over a person less powerful than me, and you directly told me to knock it off. That's mean!" 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted August 9, 2017 Author Share Posted August 9, 2017 There's not really enough information here to evaluate this welll. From the little you've described, it sounds like this is, in fact, an effective way to deal with bullies. Kudos to her for not being diplomatic. Or tactful. Or quiet. From your description, it sounds like the bullies got their feelings hurt. "I was in the middle of inappropriately asserting myself over a person less powerful than me, and you directly told me to knock it off. That's mean!" The above is pretty much the gist of it. She got him to stop, but one of these days, some kid is going to get really mad. This brings up a nature vs. nurture thing. She was adopted at 2 1/2. We have not nurtured a fighter and confronter of evil. I don't like confrontations in general and will avoid it if possible. Dh is pretty much the same. I am pretty justice orientated though. I would probably step in if I saw someone being bullied. There's something in her nature that brings this out. She is SOOO different than the rest of us. Very rough around the edges. I've always had to walk this fine line of keeping her spirit and personality while having her learn to be under authority. I've known over the years that I could have easily crushed her spirit and have tried very hard not to because there is a lot that's good in there although comes out badly sometimes. It's part of the reason she's going to school. I'm totally exhausted with the level of drama and zing she brings to everything. She's been with us 8 years. She was very disappointed that she couldn't ever become president (she's chinese) so that she could change all the bad laws. She'll probably have to settle by leading a revolution. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 It sounds like you are wanting her to stop doing the things that protect her from being a victim, which means teaching her to put herself under the authority of the bullies. I would so much rather my daughter was behaving like yours than playing the proper little victim like she's been taught to be. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaniemom Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 I don't see why she needs to change. It sounds like she did just what I wish someone had done for me in school. Why does it matter if the bully tells? Then the bully would then have to explain his actions as well. One line in the OP really bothered me but I can't quote easily on my phone. It was when the OP said these weren't major bullying moments because no one was getting beat up. This to me is utter ridiculousness. It does not take physical altercation for bullying to have a profound effect on someone and we need more people like OP's daughter to call it what it is. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 I am with Rosie. 100%. I would do almost anything to KEEP a little girl in possession of these powers, and get her away from any setting that would require her to abandon justice and strength for self preservation. I think it is that serious. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reign Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 (edited) I'm confused. It doesn't sound like she is being aggressive or even mean. It sounds like she's just being direct. I feel this has been shown to be the most effective with bullies. As opposed to say ignoring them. Is the problem that you think someone will get physical with her after she confronts them? Edited August 10, 2017 by reign 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 She sounds like she is doing what the school wants her to do. Bullies don't usually start fights publicly, they are sneaky. She is doing pretty good if the bully is just threatenig verbally. And being the first week, she needs to be strong or she sets herself up to be victimized the entire year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 It's the same here. But I'm quite aware that no one except children with personal power will do anything about bullies and I would hesitate to teach a child, particularly a girl, that it is best to protect the bullies. I don't know why I don't have a button to 'like' your post, but I wanted to say, I do 'like' your post. Well said! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 It sounds like you are wanting her to stop doing the things that protect her from being a victim, which means teaching her to put herself under the authority of the bullies. I would so much rather my daughter was behaving like yours than playing the proper little victim like she's been taught to be. :glare: She'll never be a victim...I just rather her learn to diffuse the situation rather than make it worse. I do want her to stick up for herself and others. I just rather she not make the situation into a heated battle and learn how to be in control of the situation but not make it into a bigger deal than it has to be. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 She'll never be a victim...I just rather her learn to diffuse the situation rather than make it worse. I do want her to stick up for herself and others. I just rather she not make the situation into a heated battle and learn how to be in control of the situation but not make it into a bigger deal than it has to be. They are good skills to have, to be sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 Teach her about how to be an effective bystander. Approach the victim, speak in a friendly tone, offer her the chance to move away and talk about something other than the bully or the bullying behaviour. Keep the focus on the victim, do not speak to or engage with the bully. In a playground, I'd imagine a role play could look like this. Bystander: Hey, X! (walks up to her) Do you want to come and play with me over there? We can play Y or Z, you can choose. (puts hand out, gives non-verbal indication that victim can walk away. If victim walks away..) Hey, did you watch A on TV last night? Chat, chat, keep walking to safe place away from bully. If bully follows and bullying behaviour continues, that becomes an issue for the teachers. Walk together to find teacher on duty. Whether the teacher will help is another issue altogether...a lot of relational aggression gets a pass in schools. Basically, ignore the bully and ally with the victim. Don't feed the bully with attention. Don't engage in the above if physical bullying is invoved. In that case, get help. This. I told her if she had gotten into trouble today because she stood up for someone, I would be OK with that and I would be on her side. It's having to navigate this -- I want her to keep that part of her spirit that sticks up for the kids being bullied but I really don't want her to get into physical fights. She has mentioned that she wants to punch some people because they're being mean. The part that will not be bullied herself and that will fight for injustice is a very good thing about her. I want to help her do it well. I really want her to keep that part of her personality and not squash it at all. I have no idea how to do it well because I was a timid child who was picked on and said nothing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 The second day of school, a kid was being rude and hogging some part of the playground. Her friend was getting really mad. So, she took her aside and told her the story of Rosa Parks. So, that made the girl mad at the injustice with Rosa Parks and forgot about the rude kid. She does make me proud. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanier.1765 Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 With the "tell the teacher," have her say, "yes, let's go do that right now." Bully will back off when he realizes he may not be on the right side of that argument. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 I think your dd is doing great. Really and truly. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceseeker Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 Honestly it sounds like she has good instincts and is not afraid of confrontation. You don't like confrontation so it makes you uncomfortable. The world needs brave people who are not afraid to call out other people. As long as things are staying verbal and not physical, and you haven't gotten any complaints from her teachers, I would let her navigate it. Maybe go over the school rules and policies with her if applicable. You are probably more worried about a physical confrontation than she is at this point. If you really think this might be an issue or you are worried about her getting hurt, I would encourage a good martial arts program. They will teach her never to fight unless absolutely necessary and how to have good self control. If she has such a warrior spirit, it will be a great fit. You might be able to find a Chinese martial art such as Kung Fu to incorporate her heritage. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 (edited) I just don't want her to have a physical confrontation if it's not necessary. She gets very angry very quickly about injustice. As she says, she goes from green to red to REALLY red very quickly. I've thought about martial arts to get some of the aggression out appropriately. I found out the girl of today that she defended has been a girl that she doesn't particularly care for (she lives two doors down). She has had issues with how mean this particular girl is toward her sister. To me, that's strength of character. She's willing to do what is right regardless of who it is. I told her I was proud of her. Dh backed me up too saying that he would support her also if she got in trouble for defending someone. Edited August 10, 2017 by bethben 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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