What age range do you consider ideal for DC's marriage?

[Guest]

I don't believe in soul mates or anything like that, but I might not be able to keep myself from speaking up if any of my kids had to settle for a partner who was good enough at the "right" moment. I won't even settle for "good enough" ice cream for goodness sake!

 

I'm also not looking for a return on my "investment". I chose to have these kids and raise them as I see fit. They didn't have a whole lot of choice in that. They owe me nothing as adults.

 

(As kids, I might argue that they owe me some dish washing and occasional babysitting, but those are far from life defining demands.)

I know it sounds so unromantic, but most people do "fall in love" with someone when they have gotten to a point where they want to pair up with someone. So what I'm saying by "good enough" is just this: when we are ready to pair up, we are assessing (consciously or not) potential mates by how well they match what we want. We all know that we are probably not going to get someone who fits 100% of everything we ever could want and zero of the things we don't want, so we analyze (consciously or not) if this person's detractions are compromisable or not. Furthermore, many desirable qualities can also have an undesirable side: the guy who is a devoted worker and therefore a good provider may also be the guy who gets so much of his identity from working that he's really not around much. So, we weigh options.

 

Additionally, it is a researched fact that there are specific things that make people "fall in love." I forget the guy's name, but one scientist found that he could "make people fall in love" with him (he would also start to "fall in love" in return) just by triggering those specific things. So, for example, self-disclosure is one trigger. We feel closer to someone when they have revealed something about themselves that they don't tell just anybody. We feel closer to someone when we do something kind towards them. When we share laughter and fun times with someone, we anchor those good feelings to that person. And so on.

 

So, my view is just this: there are many thousands of people in this world with who, I could have had a satisfying and happy marriage and for whom I could have been that in return. But I took a gamble on the one particular guy I was dating when I was 23. And he took a gamble on me. There were things about him I really dig and there were presumably things about me that he really digs, so we both said, "okay. This is my choice." So yeah, we both did "settle" for the other. Doesn't mean it wasn't a good choice and for all we know, maybe neither of us would ever have met a better choice if we had parted ways. But really, love is a specific response to many things and I accept that there are many people I could have loved besides DH and vice versa. But we picked each other and made a contract and invested our hearts in each other, so here we are, 23 years later.

[Twolittleboys]

You didn't witness the mistakes that your friends made? I don't think that a mom needs to have first-hand experience of the dangers of and emotional trauma caused by "hookup" culture in order to advise her children against it. I saw enough of it from what my friends went through.

I am not necessarily disagreeing with your conclusion but I can honestly say that none of my friends ever had any emotional trauma (that I know of) due to "hookup" culture. Probably because all my friends were pretty boring that way (actually, I don't think I can think of any of my closer friends that didn't marry their first serious boyfriend).

[Twolittleboys]

I know it sounds so unromantic, but most people do "fall in love" with someone when they have gotten to a point where they want to pair up with someone. So what I'm saying by "good enough" is just this: when we are ready to pair up, we are assessing (consciously or not) potential mates by how well they match what we want. We all know that we are probably not going to get someone who fits 100% of everything we ever could want and zero of the things we don't want, so we analyze (consciously or not) if this person's detractions are compromisable or not. Furthermore, many desirable qualities can also have an undesirable side: the guy who is a devoted worker and therefore a good provider may also be the guy who gets so much of his identity from working that he's really not around much. So, we weigh options.

 

Additionally, it is a researched fact that there are specific things that make people "fall in love." I forget the guy's name, but one scientist found that he could "make people fall in love" with him (he would also start to "fall in love" in return) just by triggering those specific things. So, for example, self-disclosure is one trigger. We feel closer to someone when they have revealed something about themselves that they don't tell just anybody. We feel closer to someone when we do something kind towards them. When we share laughter and fun times with someone, we anchor those good feelings to that person. And so on.

 

So, my view is just this: there are many thousands of people in this world with who, I could have had a satisfying and happy marriage and for whom I could have been that in return. But I took a gamble on the one particular guy I was dating when I was 23. And he took a gamble on me. There were things about him I really dig and there were presumably things about me that he really digs, so we both said, "okay. This is my choice." So yeah, we both did "settle" for the other. Doesn't mean it wasn't a good choice and for all we know, maybe neither of us would ever have met a better choice if we had parted ways. But really, love is a specific response to many things and I accept that there are many people I could have loved besides DH and vice versa. But we picked each other and made a contract and invested our hearts in each other, so here we are, 23 years later.

That's a really interesting perspective. And probably explains why I have never gotten married... I can barely imagine dating someone that I didn't feel was 100% the right one (rightly or wrongly), let alone marry him.

[SKL]

My parents were a "love at first sight" story; I mean, my mom says she knew at the first meeting that my dad was the one, and they were holding hands minutes later and the rest is history.  So I did believe that if I was patient, that would probably happen for me.  (I did have some strong feelings for some guys, but they were not available; so it's not like I'm not wired that way.  The timing was bad or whatever.)  And I'm very OK with the fact that I didn't just pick from the shelf when I wasn't getting that feeling from anyone who was available.  Being single isn't so bad.  I'd like my kids to find a good life partner, but if they don't, oh well.

Edited July 19, 2017 by SKL

[Emba]

Anywhere from 18 to 30 would be ideal, depending on the mindset of both parties. After 30 I think its easy to be set in your ways and adjustment harder, plus the reproductive options may be affected, though sometimes thats a crap shoot anyway. The early end of the spectrum just depends on the people. My sister made the great-for-her choice to marry at barely 20. If I'd married at that age, the guy I was dating then, I'd have been on the fast track to an early divorce. I married at 27, after a lot of growing up, and that was the right choice for me.

[luuknam]

I pointed out that he can't marry until he Commisons next spring...

 

 

??? I don't understand?

Edited July 20, 2017 by luuknam

[Joker]

The idea that good parents spend time discussing an ideal age range for marriage presupposes a lot of things, one of which is that there is some ideal. 

 

Which is patently untrue. If there was a recipe, we could just hand it out to our kids. 

 

 

Yeah, we've had lots of discussions about their future and picking a mate but I have to admit that the age they should marry has never been something specifically mentioned. It honestly seems way down on the list of important things for them to consider for me. 

[Joker]

Also, I'm kind of laughing at the idea that I just settled because I was ready to marry so dh was "good enough". I had finally saved enough money to move 1000 miles away from home and live in CA. I was so looking forward to hanging out with friends and just enjoying my time there. I never intended to meet dh right away when I moved and I definitely didn't plan on being married four months after moving. I wasn't thinking about marriage at all! After I met him, though, that was just it for me (and him too). There were no really good reasons to wait other than it would make other people feel better. I'm so happy it all happened the way it did but there was no settling for the first available guy that came along because I was ready to be married.  :lol:

 

 

ETA: I was actually dating someone from CA already when I moved there. After the move, I decided to break up with him because I didn't want to be tied down to anyone. One week later I met dh and that was that. So, yeah, definitely no settling. 

Edited July 20, 2017 by Joker

[Carrie12345]

My uncle actually has "rules" for his sons and their wives. All are in their THIRTIES. First son's wife wasn't "allowed" to get pregnant until she got tenure. Second son's wife isn't supposed to have a second baby until they buy a house.

 

Good ideas? Maybe. But my uncle actually gives these responses to people asking my cousins about their lives. And he's dead serious.

 

When do people's lives become their own?

[catz]

My uncle actually has "rules" for his sons and their wives. All are in their THIRTIES. First son's wife wasn't "allowed" to get pregnant until she got tenure. Second son's wife isn't supposed to have a second baby until they buy a house.

 

Good ideas? Maybe. But my uncle actually gives these responses to people asking my cousins about their lives. And he's dead serious.

 

When do people's lives become their own?

 

I find it puzzling that full grown adults would follow these "rules" unless that was their actual plan?  Uncle can talk about it all he wants but it doesn't mean adults are going to be obedient. 

[StaceyinLA]

Early 20s for a few reasons. I'll preface it by saying I couldn't care less about college graduation; I care about responsibility, work ethic and job stability, and none of that requires a college degree. I certainly haven't discouraged college by any means, but it is not the only measure of success. Besides, college often comes with excess debt and I don't think that is a great way to start a marriage either. I also think if you live on your own a long time you become set in your ways and that may make living with someone more difficult than if you grow together. The marriages I know that have been really good and lasted the longest are all people that were married before 25.

 

I also tend to be a proponent of having children while younger. I was raised by older parents and I have been a younger parent and I loved having my kids in my twenties. I adore being fairly young with grandkids. I feel like I'll be able to keep up with them for a long time!

 

My crew so far:

 

Dd 1 got married at 23. DSIL (27 when they married) has a great job with excellent benefits and retirement, they now have 2 precious girls, Dd stays home and is planning to home school. They have sold one really nice home and are building a beautiful home on a few acres in a neighboring town.

 

Dd2 got married a month before her 19th bday (she always said she wanted to marry young - he was 21) to a guy she had been great friends with for years. He was in the navy so they lived in Hawaii a while then VA. He is now out, working for a large construction company recruiting and making a really good living, they have 3 precious kiddos, a nice home, and are doing great. Dd stays home and is home schooling.

 

Dd3 is 24 and moving to Seattle to live with her boyfriend (navy diver). They will likely marry within the next 18 months or so.

 

Ds is 22 with no marriage prospects. He's getting money in the bank and making some good decisions, so I'm hoping when the right person comes along, he'll be ready.

Edited July 20, 2017 by StaceyinLA

[SporkUK]

I started having crushes and falling in love in early elementary school so the idea that I specifically wanted to pair off at like 5 confuses me a bit but I can kinda see it with my odd childhood. I have seen and enjoyed the research on actions that make people fall in love though I think some of us are more sensitive to those things than others - I can get the first flushes of it in a conversation and I married someone who literally has never dated someone they haven't known for several months as it takes him that long to get that click. 

 

I married at 18, which is later than my mother & many other women in my family did either forced to due to pregnancy or - like I did - escaping abusive family situations. It hasn't really come up with my kids, but I'm pretty clear in general in my opinion that I had a very lucky roll of the dice - many, arguably most women in my position (marry a great seeming guy very young as the only option compared to homelessness or abusive family) are not so lucky. It is very hard to see red flags when everything else is a greater threat & that type of marriage has a lot of its own kinds of strains on top of the usual ones for any relationship. My spouse & I are pretty open about how the early parts of our relationship were not the healthiest due to both trying to save ourselves and each other - it still might not be but we're improving 14 years on.

 

So my main focus has always been ensuring as best I can that they aren't in that situation & trying to be clear that marriage & kids is never an expectation or an aspiration I have for them nor a cure all for a bad situation. Marriage is a hopefully lifelong commitment that should only be entered freely and enthusiastically. I hope for my children love & I am very pro communal living compared to living alone but I don't care if they get married and I would not want them to view it as a goal. I don't really have an ideal age in mind since marriage isn't an ideal of mine if that makes sense, but I strongly believe marriage is only for adults so I hope they're older than I was if they choose to do so. Of course, all hypothetical since mine are still so young and the only one to mention marriage doesn't even mention it for herself: my 10 year old has been convinced for some time her best friend is going to marry her other best friend and they will all live and raise their adopted babies together (with possibly me helping when she goes off to the international space station as a "space doctor" - she has this all planned out, I just get informed at times) so even without directly talking about it they seem to be taking some of my ideals to heart. 

[SporkUK]

double post

Edited July 20, 2017 by SporkUK

[eternalsummer]

My parents married young and I can't tell you how many times they told me this was a huge mistake.  They got along quite well and were well matched, but they said it was just ridiculously hard.  Of course a huge factor is money.  They didn't have any.  Didn't help they both had illnesses either.  Also did not help that they had children way too soon.  Yeah probably adding children to the mix makes it harder (if you have no money).  The married young part alone probably isn't the major difficulty in and of itself.

 

Kids aside, it's cheaper to live with someone else than to live on your own.

[Carrie12345]

I find it puzzling that full grown adults would follow these "rules" unless that was their actual plan?  Uncle can talk about it all he wants but it doesn't mean adults are going to be obedient. 

 

I've never had the guts to ask them directly.  I've only witnessed the crazy pressure.  (There was actually a blow up when one cousin decided to withdraw an offer on a house. His father thought he was being stupid.)  Both couples have been together since they were in their teens, so all this "advice" has been going on since then.

 

And this is the uncle who took it upon himself to decide to play father figure to me when my parents split up.  He tried to set "rules" for me, too.  I lack obedience, lol.

[Carrie12345]

Also, I'm kind of laughing at the idea that I just settled because I was ready to marry so dh was "good enough". I had finally saved enough money to move 1000 miles away from home and live in CA. I was so looking forward to hanging out with friends and just enjoying my time there. I never intended to meet dh right away when I moved and I definitely didn't plan on being married four months after moving. I wasn't thinking about marriage at all! After I met him, though, that was just it for me (and him too). There were no really good reasons to wait other than it would make other people feel better. I'm so happy it all happened the way it did but there was no settling for the first available guy that came along because I was ready to be married.  :lol:

 

 

Similar.

I was young and had a toddler.  I had recently broken off an engagement that was never a good decision.  I had also lost my job due to childcare issues.  I was living in my mom's house, trying to make plans to get myself back on my feet.  I resisted (now) dh's request for a date for weeks, until my sister finally convinced me that a double date would be good for me, to get out of the house and have some fun.  Tying myself and my child to another person was NOT on my mind.

 

I got married 8 months later.

[BarbecueMom]

I heard a mention a few months ago about when might there be a ring from my ds to his serious girlfriend? I pointed out that he can't marry until he Commisons next spring... It's nice that they like him so much.

 

I'd like to see my kids finish with the undergrad before marriage. Since dd just signed her ROTC papers, that's the plan for her too.

ROTC rules are different than the Academies. You can marry prior to commissioning. DH was 20 when we married and commissioned almost exactly two years later. One of the other guys in ROTC with him had the same wedding date, and he was far from the only cadet at LDAC who was married.

 

Honestly, we should have married sooner. He had a much easier time getting up for PT once he had a wife to kick him until he shut the alarm off.

 

Also, ROTC was good "army officer spouse" practice for me, even though the military life sort of went off the rails with injury.

[SKL]

This conversation reminds me of my friend, whose parents insisted they marry only people from the parents' motherland, who practice the culture and speak the language of the motherland.

 

Those parents died without grandchildren.  Their 3 offspring are all over 50, and none have kids because they never found an acceptable mate during their [or in the brother's case, his wife's] childbearing years.  Also, the first to marry chose someone from a different nationality.  The middle kid never married.

 

I guess I'm lucky to be alive now, when being married isn't the most important thing for a girl.  As long as my kids don't tether themselves to an abusive or otherwise toxic person, I'm not worried about it.