footballmom Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Ugh - so we just returned from being out of town for almost 3 weeks. I'm limited contact with my NPD mom. She is local to us. She has been sending texts and calling the last few days and leaving messages as if we are not limited contact and we should be rushing to all get together and celebrate seeing each other :confused1: I've responded back that I will let her know about getting together, it's hectic coming back from vacation, etc. Today I was on a conference call when she called again. Within minutes of hanging up from my call, my mom has shown up at the door and as I answer the door she starts to walk in. I guess my face showed my surprise and I said, "Would you like to come in?". She quickly says yes, explains she called me, blah blah. I told her I had just gotten off a call and wasn't expecting her to stop by. She immediately turns around and practically runs toward her car, saying she was wrong, etc. I took a deep breath and walked outside and said, "Mom, if you want to come inside I am inviting you in. My kids will be a little confused why you are now leaving" etc. She tells me to tell them she was wrong to stop by and leaves. I am so...ticked. My kids keep asking why she left, they are starting to pick up on her issues / manipulative side. I wish I'd known this would happen BEFORE I left my therapist's office this morning, lol. So now I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I want to respond. I do feel bad that her feelings are hurt. I also feel like her charging across my boundaries aren't acceptable. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 She's manipulating you. You are not responsible for her feelings nor her boundary crossings. Tell the kids "Grandma changed her mind and decided to leave. Shrug. That's just Grandma." Move on with your day. ((hugs)) 25 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Well she got your attention, didn't she? I agree with perky. No big explanation to the kids required, just a short statement (withhold exasperated facial expressions!) and move along. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 She's manipulating you. You are not responsible for her feelings nor her boundary crossings. Tell the kids "Grandma changed her mind and decided to leave. Shrug. That's just Grandma." Move on with your day. ((hugs)) :iagree: Perfect response. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 sounds like she is feeling neglected you dared go somewhere and you didn't deign to giver her all due obescience while you were gone. how independent of you. I would let it go. she crossed boundaries - and you upheld them. you don't *owe* her anything. you expressed surprise she was there (normal) and invited her in (after she started coming in) - then she acted all affronted and stormed off. she made her performance to make sure you noticed her. it really sounds like she is engaging in drama in expectation you will now give her the obescience she craves. THAT would be the wrong example for your children. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acadie Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 (edited) I like perky's suggested response, especially the last part--That's just Grandma. Because it gently assigns the behavior where it belongs, and your kids are starting to notice that Grandma's responses and actions aren't always like other people's. Not sure how old your kids are...there may come a time when they're older and are hurt by something she does, where more explanation might be needed. But I think there's some value in letting kids make their own observations and come to their own conclusions (obviously not when there are serious boundary issues or any chance they're being mistreated). Are you also trying to figure out if you want to say something to her, to make clear your personal boundaries? Or does her walking off in a huff take care of it, in the sense that you might not hear from her, for a while, and that's really ok by you? Amy Edited July 5, 2017 by Acadie 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 If your kids ask why she left, just say "I guess she decided she didn't want to say" or "I don't know". As for your mom and her feelings, nobody asked her to come to your house uninvited. If her feelings are hurt by your honest surprise, that's not your fault. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Perky is always how I deal with manipulative people at the restaurant. They want to shake you up. When you stay calm and perky, even if they have your blood pressure to the moon, they either back off, or up their hand. In the restaurant if they up their hand they look like a jerk to other patrons, not what they like, so usually they back down. In your case it's the same thing with your kids. If you are calm and perky, she probably doesn't want to up her game with them watching ready to be on your side. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
That70'sLisa Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 "I do feel bad her feelings were hurt." I understand this, but try not to. HER actions resulted in her hurt feelings - NOT your actions. She's counting on you to feel badly - that's part of the manipulation. You did great! And I completely agree with the above poster's "That's just Grandma". shrug. Responsibility where it belongs. When you feel calm and able - maybe whenever you were planning to do it anyway, maybe a little longer if you need to build up your strength for boundaries again - call and arrange a visit. Do not let her "guilt" or "blame" or even get into a convo of this incident...incident over. Moving on. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
footballmom Posted July 6, 2017 Author Share Posted July 6, 2017 Thanks, everyone. Your responses are helping me see calm through her drama storm. Acadia (Amy), yes, I was asking about if a text was necessary / helpful - NPD is just so hard to make sense of to me. I can *logically* make room that she was excited to see the kids, but she can't make any room for us having anything to do other than be available to her. Seasider, I loved your comment about holding back on my exasperation - so hard to do! Gardenmom, you hit the nail on the head. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) Thanks, everyone. Your responses are helping me see calm through her drama storm. Acadia (Amy), yes, I was asking about if a text was necessary / helpful - NPD is just so hard to make sense of to me. I can *logically* make room that she was excited to see the kids, but she can't make any room for us having anything to do other than be available to her. Seasider, I loved your comment about holding back on my exasperation - so hard to do! Gardenmom, you hit the nail on the head. I think we have all btdtgtts. :tongue_smilie: and it's easier to see from the outside. I'm sorry to say - I do think the experience is useful . . . . among other reasons, being around any manipulative person, my neck hairs are standing on ends within minutes as a warning. Edited July 6, 2017 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Speaking of NPD, my poor 17yo dd just had a customer at the restaurant tell her, "I was going to tip you, but you were so rude, with such a terrible attitude, that I'm just leaving now." My poor dd can't figure out what went wrong. DD was upset, "I was soooo nice and I gave her free ranch for her fries???" But calmed down a little. I told her the woman was older and possibly early onset Alzheimers, which due to our elderly clients is on dd's radar. Once in a while we have someone who is surprised that the food they ordered is there, lol. The NPD witch who said this probably didn't know it was the end of dd's shift and that she didn't ruin her day completely. Or that dd is getting immune to bad people. DD is calm now. Sometimes I wish people with their mean issues knew just how much others really know how to hold their own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 You poor thing, it is hard to navigate. I have a very similar story actually! Her emotions aren't your fault, and they're not yours to manage - even if that were possible. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) wrong thread. . :blushing: :leaving: Edited July 6, 2017 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) .. Edited July 6, 2017 by Jean in Newcastle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Did you post this on the right thread? would you please delete that? thanks . . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 She's manipulating you. You are not responsible for her feelings nor her boundary crossings. Tell the kids "Grandma changed her mind and decided to leave. Shrug. That's just Grandma." Move on with your day. ((hugs)) Perfect. This is my mom, to a T. She would have done EXACTLY THIS. EXACTLY. (It's actually a little creepy.) You handled it great. Take a deep breath and move on with your day. Treat yourself in some little way if you can. You deserve it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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