A different kind of mourning

[Laura Corin]

We've talked here before about dealing with funerals and taking control of the process, so I thought this would be interesting to some.  As a warning - it is a non-sensational article, but it concerns the death from illness of a child, two of whose siblings had also died very young:

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-40367076

Edited June 24, 2017 by Laura Corin

[Guest]

Interesting article. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think it is illegal here to keep a body at home for some period of time. I did think it was special and sweet that they had a pretty shroud for her and not a black plastic body bag. I can relate to wanting that. Also, the wicker coffin. Coffins for babies (mine at least) look disturbingly like a picnic cooler; I would have loved a beautiful wicker basket.

 

I do think she's onto something with complications of grief when the baby seemingly disappears. I did have dreams after my baby's death in which I would find my daughter sleeping in her crib and say, "oh my gosh! She's been here all along!" Or small variations on that whole theme of she didn't really die. When my baby died, a nurse said something to me in my room about the baby will start to deteriorate. It scared me and I, very regretably, abruptly allowed her to take my baby away. I was quite tormented by having allowed that - I was alone at that point, all my family had left and my husband had gone home to tell our other children what had happened. I was vulnerable to suggestion at that moment and wish the nurse had not said that. My sisters never got to see my baby because they came later that night and...well, I think it would have been better if they had really seen my daughter. I don't think they were able to relate to what happened because my baby was never more than a concept to them.

 

That poor, poor woman, having gone through the death of three children. That is too much for any person to bear.

[happypamama]

Quill, I can relate to that. I dream that Nate is still here, up in his little hospital isolette. As far as my 3yo knows, he might as well be. Although he saw the little (and still too big) casket, none of us opted to view it open because of deterioration. We decided we were more comfortable remembering him as he'd been at the hospital.

 

Some hospitals have a special cooling bed that slows down the deterioration of the baby's body so the parents don't have to rush the process of saying goodbye as much. I think that's really lovely, especially when the death has been sudden and unexpected.

 

And yes, burying three children is just so unfair. No parent should ever have to bury one, but three is just awful.

[retiredHSmom]

My oldest nephew was born alive at 22 weeks gestation and died within an hour.  The hospital allowed my sister to keep him with her as long as she wanted.  Her husband went home to remove as much "baby is coming home" stuff as possible and I stayed with her and Matthew.  We held him and talked to him and took pictures for about four hours.  I made a memory album for her and she still looks at it frequently 16 years later and Matthew is very much part of our extended family even though she now has four sons.  I called a charity that provided a smocked gown for him to wear for his funeral and a few years later I made one of those gowns for a woman I knew on a message board who lost a nephew at 24 weeks.  All of these pieces added up and I think that really did help my sister's (and my) grief process.  She talks about it and is now very active with a peri-natal hospice program in our area.

[MinivanMom]

What a lovely story. Three weeks seems a little bit long for me, but I love the idea of a family being able to take as long as they need to say goodbye. 

 

When our baby was stillborn, I was told that I could keep her with me as long as I wished. I wound up "rooming-in" with her the entire time I was in the hospital. It just felt right to have her dressed and swaddled up and lying in the little crib. With infant death, there can already be this surreal feeling. Like you gave birth and held a baby in your arms, but maybe you didn't and imagined it all, because nobody else knew your baby and so many people act like nothing happened. 

 

I was very grateful to our hospital. I felt like they were very supportive of whatever we wished to do and didn't ever pressure us one way or the other. And they gave me lots of time and lots of control. I am very glad to have had the time and the mementos and the pictures. After hearing other people's stories, I know that we were very, very fortunate.

[MercyA]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: to all.

[Garga]

Interesting article. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think it is illegal here to keep a body at home for some period of time. I did think it was special and sweet that they had a pretty shroud for her and not a black plastic body bag. I can relate to wanting that. Also, the wicker coffin. Coffins for babies (mine at least) look disturbingly like a picnic cooler; I would have loved a beautiful wicker basket.

I do think she's onto something with complications of grief when the baby seemingly disappears. I did have dreams after my baby's death in which I would find my daughter sleeping in her crib and say, "oh my gosh! She's been here all along!" Or small variations on that whole theme of she didn't really die. When my baby died, a nurse said something to me in my room about the baby will start to deteriorate. It scared me and I, very regretably, abruptly allowed her to take my baby away. I was quite tormented by having allowed that - I was alone at that point, all my family had left and my husband had gone home to tell our other children what had happened. I was vulnerable to suggestion at that moment and wish the nurse had not said that. My sisters never got to see my baby because they came later that night and...well, I think it would have been better if they had really seen my daughter. I don't think they were able to relate to what happened because my baby was never more than a concept to them.

That poor, poor woman, having gone through the death of three children. That is too much for any person to bear.

 

That's awful that they took her away too soon. That nurse made a big mistake doing that. You needed time to hold her and your family needed to see her.

[goldberry]

:grouphug:  and love to all of you moms that have had such losses.... :grouphug:  :crying:

[FaithManor]

Nothing but hugs. No experience but lots of love from me to all of you

[Guest]

That's awful that they took her away too soon. That nurse made a big mistake doing that. You needed time to hold her and your family needed to see her.

I don't think she realized the effect it would have on me, giving me that information while I had no one else to "think for me." Overall, that hospital was very caring and had many good programs in place to help with infant loss. There was another nurse who, upon realizing that none of my family was there with me for a few hours, came in, hugged me close for a bit, and told me she had lost a little boy 22 years previous. She emphasized she wanted me to feel cared for. Obviously, I have not forgotten that small gift of tenderness.

[maize]

I haven't lost a child, but I have a sibling who had the same kind of cancer as a young child as the girl in the article. She survived and is grown and healthy, but reading this brought back to me the intensity of emotions that surrounded her illness and my parents' fear of losing her. I was only 3 years old at the time, but those memories are still very clear.

[Guest]

Bawling my eyes out here, that poor woman! Many cultures have more hands on and loving prep of the dead than we traditionally stand for here in the west and I'm glad she was facilitated in her mourning in a way that was right for her family.

[CAJinBE]

I was surprised that the article said that in the UK family members do not often view the body in the coffin prior to burial. When my grandparents died we had two day wakes before the funerals so people could come and pay their respects. The caskets were open. When my father died we had a visitation for a few hours immediately prior to the funeral and only family were present when the casket was closed. For me the closing of the casket is the most important moment of the whole funeral. I think this is common in the US. Closed casket is usually for cases when the body is determined to be not viewable for some reason.

[Guest]

I was surprised that the article said that in the UK family members do not often view the body in the coffin prior to burial. When my grandparents died we had two day wakes before the funerals so people could come and pay their respects. The caskets were open. When my father died we had a visitation for a few hours immediately prior to the funeral and only family were present when the casket was closed. For me the closing of the casket is the most important moment of the whole funeral. I think this is common in the US. Closed casket is usually for cases when the body is determined to be not viewable for some reason.

Yes. Our baby's funeral was closed casket and even we, the parents, did not see her again after she was taken away at the hospital. The general sentiment is: it is too horrifying for people to see a dead baby. The sad thing about this, though, is I think it makes it harder for others to really relate to what we lost. I hope that doesn't sound hard-hearted towards others. It's just that all those family members and friends were protected from seeing a beautiful, 9lb., fully-formed infant girl laid out in a casket and so it could remain sort of surreal for them. They didn't see the reality of our beautiful child. I think it is a good example of how we (in the US) are very sheltered from the realities of death and unwellness.

[fairfarmhand]

Yes. Our baby's funeral was closed casket and even we, the parents, did not see her again after she was taken away at the hospital. The general sentiment is: it is too horrifying for people to see a dead baby. The sad thing about this, though, is I think it makes it harder for others to really relate to what we lost. I hope that doesn't sound hard-hearted towards others. It's just that all those family members and friends were protected from seeing a beautiful, 9lb., fully-formed infant girl laid out in a casket and so it could remain sort of surreal for them. They didn't see the reality of our beautiful child. I think it is a good example of how we (in the US) are very sheltered from the realities of death and unwellness.

 

Yeah, if people were going to be disturbed at the image, they could not go to the viewing or whatever. But let them choose. I'd think that particularly with a babe that died at birth, it would be important to extended family to be able to grieve with the family by knowing that she "had mommy's nose" or whatever.

 

[Laura Corin]

I was surprised that the article said that in the UK family members do not often view the body in the coffin prior to burial. When my grandparents died we had two day wakes before the funerals so people could come and pay their respects. The caskets were open. When my father died we had a visitation for a few hours immediately prior to the funeral and only family were present when the casket was closed. For me the closing of the casket is the most important moment of the whole funeral. I think this is common in the US. Closed casket is usually for cases when the body is determined to be not viewable for some reason.

Embalming is not common in the UK and I believe that makes funerals cheaper but perhaps also makes closed casket more likely.

[CAJinBE]

Embalming is becoming more of an issue and an option now than it was before. The funeral home gave us the option of not embalming my father but then he would have had to be buried more quickly. I had to travel from overseas so he was embalmed. I was very glad to have the chance to see him for the last time before the funeral. It did cost more, but everything cost quite a bit so I'm not sure that it made a significant difference in cost. 

 

Quill, I'm sorry you weren't given a choice. I agree with you completely.

[Bluegoat]

About the issue of legality mentioned above - I think in most places it is in fact legal to deal with the dead at home - there may be rules around timelines.  But, most people don't know enough to find out when it comes down to the moment, and funeral homes aren't really promoting that.

[HS Mom in NC]

 I think this is common in the US. Closed casket is usually for cases when the body is determined to be not viewable for some reason.

 

It's about 50/50 here.  Open casket is a sub-cultural thing.  We've never done it in my family.  So no, it's not a universally important part of closure in the grief process and it's not because a body isn't in a viewable state.

 

Since it's a mix here people who don't approve of it comment after the services among themselves about how the dead don't usually look like themselves while others who do approve of it talk about how nice the deceased looked. They're talking about the same person, by the way. It's all just cultural perception.