natural consequences?

[blondeviolin]

My son got a kid-sized Garmin tracker for Christmas. He has a history of losing watches in the locker room at swim practice so we intentionally got the Garmin because it was swimmproof and he could wear it all of the time. Except at his championship meet this weekend he was told he'd be disqualified if he swam while wearing it. So he took it off and put it in his swim bag. But he didn't zip the pocket so it probably fell out and is nowhere to be found in our truck or his bag. I am constantly hounding him to zip the bag and he's always rolled his eyes or been annoyed that I ask him to stop and zip the bag. I'm always telling WHY he should zip it.

 

Anyway, the tracker is gone. I had plans to buy my daughter a Fitbit tracker since they are only $20 at our Target (older style).

 

My son seems pretty bummed about losing his fracker and the Fitbit would be a downgrade. But I'm worried he'd lose it because it's not waterproof. And I also don't want him to think that we can replace whatever if you lose it. I'd like to get him the cheap Fitbit but I feel like it would cheapening the reinforcement of the natural consequence of him losing it and waiting to get a new one. I just know he'll be even more disappointed because his sibling is getting a new one and he won't be.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

ETA: I feel it important to say that has ADHD and was not medicated so I knew that he would have a harder time staying organized. I had been keeping track of the device all of the other meet, but in the rush of things I forgot. So I'm partly at fault here too. (Even though I feel like at 9yo he should remember to zip a stupid pocket. :001_huh:)

Edited February 27, 2017 by blondeviolin

[HomeAgain]

The natural consequence would be not having it anymore.

 

The logical consequence doesn't much apply, either, but the concession you offer is a good one.  I might frame it as "this is how much I am willing to spend to replace it, but I am open to other solutions like you doing chores to earn the extra amount to get another just like you had."  That gives him two options - accept the lesser, or put work into getting back what he lost.

[Jean in Newcastle]

From your signature, I'm guessing that he is 9 years old?  If he refused to zip the pocket at that moment, then there would be a consequence for disobedience.  Since it sounds like that isn't the case, then I would get him a replacement.  I might ask him to contribute to the cost of a new one and would hold off on getting it until he's saved up that amount (either through odd jobs or through allowance).  I would not be harder than that on a 9 year old - esp. since you know that he has ADHD and is not medicated. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

His systems failed.

 

1. He was used to just leaving it on, so that was a change.

2. You had been keeping track of it, as a backup, but then you didn't.

 

I am NOT saying it's your fault. It's not. Just as the mother of now-grown boys with ADHD, I know that their attention span isn't great in the first place, especially in a high stress situation like a sports meet, and they shut it off entirely if there's a chance that you are also watching out.

 

The consequences of not having it anymore, and only being able to have the lesser model that you can afford to replace, are enough. However, if he had been successfully managing the thing (for the most part), through lower stress situations with fewer variables, I would probably try very hard to replace it, in order to reward success. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Even without ADHD this would likely happen.  Had you all known he couldn't wear it at that time, you wouldn't have had him bring it at all.

 

I think your plan is fine. 

 

 

[Catwoman]

I would get him a new tracker -- the same model as his old one -- and not worry about making him suffer any consequences.

 

We all lose things from time to time, and he's still so young. I hope you will show him some grace.

[Catwoman]

One other thought -- have you called the facility where they had the meet? Someone may have found the tracker in the locker room or in the parking lot and turned it in to lost and found.

[Corraleno]

I would get him the FitBit. The fact that it's a downgrade is enough of a consequence considering he has ADD and the situation was atypical (had to take it off when he would normally be wearing it; not having you as backup).

 

As the parent of an athlete with ADD I get how frustrating it is when they lose things, but I agree with Tibbie that often in high stress situations like a competition, their limited powers of concentration are 100% focused on the competition. I can't tell you how many times I have had to run all over a 200,000 square foot arena looking for lost equipment/clothing/phones/etc. I once had to chase after a shuttle bus in Europe, bang on the door, and beg the driver to let me crawl around on the floor looking for DS's phone (which, thankfully, was under a seat in the back!). I have had to replace lots of lost equipment, too. I know DS always feel terrible when he loses things; there's not much point in punishing him further. 

[bolt.]

I wouldn't buy him anything.

 

I'd see about a way for him to buy one (cheaper or waterproof) with his own money, if he wanted to do so.

 

I'd consider replacing it on the next gift occasion.

[AK_Mom4]

Since the tracker was in his swim bag and was a pretty cool one - is there a third possibility that someone stole it from his bag at the meet?

 

If the possibility is out there that he didn't actually lose it himself..... then I would tend to err on the side on Maybe Not His Fault.  I would probably offer the cheap replacement if it would be useful to him or the chance to "work it off" and replace with the water proof one.

[blondeviolin]

It is possible it could have been stolen. If I were to bet, though, it was just lost. I'm holding off anything till I get the car completely cleaned, we call the place, and he goes to practice tonight (could be his coach picked it up).

 

I think the Fitbit would be fine, except it's not waterproof. The reason he was doing so well with the Garmin was because he didn't have to take it off. On and off for practice every afternoon is a lot for him to remember and do and I get attitude for constantly reminding him because he KNOWS (except that means nothing because he still doesn't DO). I feel like he'd lose the Fitbit in less than a week. (Part of me also feels like maybe it would be good practice putting things away in a secure spot...)

 

Ugh. This parenting stuff is hard sometimes. If I could just have a manual and a timeline of when certain developmental leaps would happen, that would be swell. Until then I have to figure out how to lay aside my expectations, allow him to be who he is, and yet still somehow maintain faith that he can be better...which seems paradoxical.

 

I will chew on these thoughts and talk with my husband (who's a no-man) and we'll see what we come up with. Eventually he will have one again. How soon will be the ultimate question.

[Catwoman]

It is possible it could have been stolen. If I were to bet, though, it was just lost. I'm holding off anything till I get the car completely cleaned, we call the place, and he goes to practice tonight (could be his coach picked it up).

 

I think the Fitbit would be fine, except it's not waterproof. The reason he was doing so well with the Garmin was because he didn't have to take it off. On and off for practice every afternoon is a lot for him to remember and do and I get attitude for constantly reminding him because he KNOWS (except that means nothing because he still doesn't DO). I feel like he'd lose the Fitbit in less than a week. (Part of me also feels like maybe it would be good practice putting things away in a secure spot...)

 

Ugh. This parenting stuff is hard sometimes. If I could just have a manual and a timeline of when certain developmental leaps would happen, that would be swell. Until then I have to figure out how to lay aside my expectations, allow him to be who he is, and yet still somehow maintain faith that he can be better...which seems paradoxical.

 

I will chew on these thoughts and talk with my husband (who's a no-man) and we'll see what we come up with. Eventually he will have one again. How soon will be the ultimate question.

I think your expectations are too high for any 9 year old, but particularly for a 9yo with ADHD.

 

It sounds like he's a good kid who may have forgotten to zip a zipper one time and the Garmin fell out. Who hasn't forgotten to zip our handbag from time to time? Who hasn't accidentally set down a pair of gloves or sunglasses while we were shopping in a store and got a little distracted? And I'm talking about adults, not 9 year-olds.

 

I hope the Garmin turns up and you don't have to worry about replacing it, but because he's a good kid and also because the Garmin could have been stolen from his bag, I really hope you won't punish him or make him pay for a replacement.

Edited February 27, 2017 by Catwoman

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree Cat.  This isn't an ADHD thing.  This is a 9 year old thing.  I have to watch my kid's expensive possessions for him because I don't want to have to buy him new ones.  And I'm talking about my 11 year old.  I think he is only now finally starting to pay attention to stuff. 

 

Of course if I had 6 kids I might just NOT do that either.  I get that.  I only have 2.  And one is now 15.  The 15 year old is pretty good about looking out for his own stuff.  At 9?  Forget about it.

 

 

[blondeviolin]

I think your expectations are too high for any 9 year old, but particularly for a 9yo with ADHD.

 

It sounds like he's a good kid who may have forgotten to zip a zipper one time and the Garmin fell out. Who hasn't forgotten to zip our handbag from time to time? Who hasn't accidentally set down a pair of gloves or sunglasses while we were shopping in a store and got a little distracted? And I'm talking about adults, not 9 year-olds.

 

I hope the Garmin turns up and you don't have to worry about replacing it, but because he's a good kid and also because the Garmin could have been stolen from his bag, I really hope you won't punish him or make him pay for a replacement.

It's not just the one time, though. First time to lose a tracker, but it's also the first tracker. He also has lost watches, goggles, caps, jammers, UNDERPANTS, shirts... most recently it was his team shirt because he didn't put ANYTHING in his bag during the meet and so I went to pick him up and he was collecting all of the contents of his bag that were strewn about the bleachers, including a deck of cards. Knowing this executive skill is weak, I have been having him check in with me to make sure his bag is in order. And every night it's been a sigh, and a roll of the eyes, attitude when I remind him to close the bag properly, and general sassiness because he has to come check in with me rather than play his game or watch tv.

 

(FWIW, this is his main problem across the board - attitude, if not full out stomping/screaming tantrum if he had to do something he doesn't want to.)

[blondeviolin]

I agree Cat. This isn't an ADHD thing. This is a 9 year old thing. I have to watch my kid's expensive possessions for him because I don't want to have to buy him new ones. And I'm talking about my 11 year old. I think he is only now finally starting to pay attention to stuff.

 

Of course if I had 6 kids I might just NOT do that either. I get that. I only have 2. And one is now 15. The 15 year old is pretty good about looking out for his own stuff. At 9? Forget about it.

And this is why I post here. With him it's hard to tease out what is 9 and what is ADHD. It's also compacted by the fact that he's crazy precocious and high IQ so some stuff I expect is high and he can meet it and some stuff is unrealistic.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's not just the one time, though. First time to lose a tracker, but it's also the first tracker. He also has lost watches, goggles, caps, jammers, UNDERPANTS, shirts... most recently it was his team shirt because he didn't put ANYTHING in his bag during the meet and so I went to pick him up and he was collecting all of the contents of his bag that were strewn about the bleachers, including a deck of cards. Knowing this executive skill is weak, I have been having him check in with me to make sure his bag is in order. And every night it's been a sigh, and a roll of the eyes, attitude when I remind him to close the bag properly, and general sassiness because he has to come check in with me rather than play his game or watch tv.

 

(FWIW, this is his main problem across the board - attitude, if not full out stomping/screaming tantrum if he had to do something he doesn't want to.)

 

So given his reputation you thought this time would be different?

 

This is typical for this age.  They don't understand the value of stuff.  They forget something 2 seconds after it's out of their sight.  Completely normal. 

[MiMi 4under3]

Even without ADHD or being a young child, people accidentally lose things.

 

I would replace it no problem, and remind ds yet again, to keep his bag zipped.

[SparklyUnicorn]

And this is why I post here. With him it's hard to tease out what is 9 and what is ADHD. It's also compacted by the fact that he's crazy precocious and high IQ so some stuff I expect is high and he can meet it and some stuff is unrealistic.

 

Being smart and being organized do not necessarily go hand in hand. 

 

I know it's frustrating to you.  It's happened here as well.  The weirdest stuff has happened here.  Once my older kid told me he had his dance tights on.  I dropped him off at dance and he called me from dance to tell me he forgot his tights.  LMAO.  I mean what?!  How exactly does that happen!! 

Edited February 27, 2017 by SparklyUnicorn

[Annie G]

Some 9 year olds are good about keeping up with their things and others aren't ready yet.  Your son doesn't seem ready since he's forgotten/left behind things on multiple occasions. And this was an unexpected event- he's used to wearing it in the water. 

 

Sometimes showing grace boosts maturity- we've seen it before with our kids.  In any event, if it's not found soon, replacing it seems reasonable.  I know if I lost my fitbit then dh would be online ordering me a replacement tonight.  

 

But I hope you find it!

[Catwoman]

It's not just the one time, though. First time to lose a tracker, but it's also the first tracker. He also has lost watches, goggles, caps, jammers, UNDERPANTS, shirts... most recently it was his team shirt because he didn't put ANYTHING in his bag during the meet and so I went to pick him up and he was collecting all of the contents of his bag that were strewn about the bleachers, including a deck of cards. Knowing this executive skill is weak, I have been having him check in with me to make sure his bag is in order. And every night it's been a sigh, and a roll of the eyes, attitude when I remind him to close the bag properly, and general sassiness because he has to come check in with me rather than play his game or watch tv.

(FWIW, this is his main problem across the board - attitude, if not full out stomping/screaming tantrum if he had to do something he doesn't want to.)

Sounds like a fairly typical 9 year-old boy to me. They know everything -- didn't you know that? ;)

 

I know it's a pain to have to stay on top of him so much. I don't mean to make light of it. But unfortunately, I think you're stuck with it. Natural consequences don't work if a kid means well but just doesn't have the executive function skills necessary to avoid having the same things happen again and again.

 

I'm not a big believer in the whole "natural consequences" thing. Often, I think it comes across as kind of mean. I would rather model for my child how to be kind, understanding, and to show grace to those who make mistakes rather than to force him to suffer the natural consequences when he makes a mistake that I maybe should have seen coming. I don't think making a kid pay for things he loses or refusing the replace those items teaches them anything except that Mom doesn't care that he didn't mean it and that he's sad that he lost his stuff. I know others feel differently, but I try to look for the intention behind the event, and if something was an accident and/or wasn't done intentionally, I try not to get angry about it.

 

I wish I had better advice for you, but I can tell you that it will get better over time, and time is the only thing that will help your son become more responsible. :grouphug:

[kitten18]

It's not just the one time, though. First time to lose a tracker, but it's also the first tracker. He also has lost watches, goggles, caps, jammers, UNDERPANTS, shirts... most recently it was his team shirt because he didn't put ANYTHING in his bag during the meet and so I went to pick him up and he was collecting all of the contents of his bag that were strewn about the bleachers, including a deck of cards. Knowing this executive skill is weak, I have been having him check in with me to make sure his bag is in order. And every night it's been a sigh, and a roll of the eyes, attitude when I remind him to close the bag properly, and general sassiness because he has to come check in with me rather than play his game or watch tv.

 

(FWIW, this is his main problem across the board - attitude, if not full out stomping/screaming tantrum if he had to do something he doesn't want to.)

But he's 9.

When I started reading your OP I thought it was going to be about a 16 year old.

When my DS (has ADHD) was 9, at least once a week we would be in the car on the way to an activity and realize he didn't have SHOES. I started leaving a pair of flip flops in the car. And I still ask him as we're pulling out of the driveway, "do you have shoes?"

Edited February 27, 2017 by kitten18

[AK_Mom4]

Yeah - what goes on in kid brains is a mystery. I had my then-13yo borrow my phone to listen to music at the gym. I made her wear it in the arm band holder, strapped in even though she grumbled about how uncomfortable it was. She comes out crying because she lost my phone. Can't find it anywhere in the locker room or where she was working out. So I call it and it rings - and yep, it's still in the holder fastened to her arm. She lost it while it was still tied to her own body.

 

ADD girl here would lose earbuds at least once a week. I would find socks in the oddest places (refrigerated socks, anyone?) until her mid-teens, anything that got set down would disappear from her brain. Milk jugs in the cabinet. That sort of thing. Once she learned to drive, she just kept everything in her car - EVERYTHING. Gym clothes, extra pair of shoes, books, spare batteries, tons of pencils and notebooks. Odds were when she couldn't find something, it was either in her car or there was a spare in her car.

 

Give it until about 14 or 15 before they stop losing everything they touch......

[SparklyUnicorn]

Reminds me once I found an i-phone on the ground outside of the school where my son's choir meets.  So I picked it up.  When I got to the spot near the choir room I saw a young girl (maybe she was 12) with an absolute look of horror on her face.  I pulled it out and said this must be yours.  Yes, indeed.  She said OH MY GAWD MY MOTHER WOULD HAVE KILLED ME THANK YOU!!!

 

 

Edited February 27, 2017 by SparklyUnicorn

[blondeviolin]

Good news! As I was unboxing the new Fitbit, he looked at it and said, "My Garmin was much better than this. But I guess it'll have to work." Before I could say ANYTHING, the pool finally got back to me and the lost tracker has been found!!! He was dancing around the living room so happy. :) They will mail it back (~400 miles away) so he'll have to wait on the mail, but it will come back. And I guess I'm taking this Fitbit back to Target. :lol:

Edited February 27, 2017 by blondeviolin

[SparklyUnicorn]

Good news! As I was unboxing the new Fitbit, he looked at it and said, "My Garmin was much better than this. But I guess it'll have to work." Before I could say ANYTHING, the pool finally got back to me and the lost tracker has been found!!! He was dancing around the living room so happy. :) They will mail it back (~400 miles away) so he'll have to wait on the mail, but it will come back. And I guess I'm taking this Fitbit back to Target. :lol:

 

Oh yay!!!!

That's so awesome!!!

[Catwoman]

Good news! As I was unboxing the new Fitbit, he looked at it and said, "My Garmin was much better than this. But I guess it'll have to work." Before I could say ANYTHING, the pool finally got back to me and the lost tracker has been found!!! He was dancing around the living room so happy. :) They will mail it back (~400 miles away) so he'll have to wait on the mail, but it will come back. And I guess I'm taking this Fitbit back to Target. :lol:

:party: :party: :party:

 

Thanks for sharing the great news!!! :hurray:

[Tanaqui]

I'd keep the fitbit for backup for the next time it gets lost, actually. Nine year olds, with or without ADHD, can not be trusted to remember to zip their pockets without us sitting on top of them the whole time.