LarlaB Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) It's the holidays. I have an NPD motherinlaw, codependent FIL and 3 sisters in law who are in the swirl. The oldest two kids, DH & sister, are not. Two sisters are in town for Christmas and expect us all to join the swirl even though we are rarely together We are very distant with everyone but one sister and we keep that relationship hidden. It is exhausting. It's one thing to deal with NP MIL...who at this point is predictable and who we handle with severe boundaries. For some reason though the flying monkeys still get under our skin. They try to manipulate and passive aggressively control the situation. At times they can objectively acknowledge MIL issues and swirl. Most times just want "everyone together" and have confronted us on why we don't all hang out more. Today, after having communicated boundaries of what times will/will not work for us, SIL texts "what day works for you for us to come to your house?" DH called and reiterated that we were unavailable- even less so as I have the flu- and that we hope to see them on Wednesday as planned. SIL was suspicious about my illness and asked about symptoms. Classy. Then (knowing my parents are flying in and having already been told we aren't available during that time) asked if they could come down next weekend. Um no. It is likely she is overwhelmed by being with MIL and needs to escape and so thrusts all of her frustration into us. I can't control that. But wow- I'm tired of having to be the only grown people - constantly enforcing boundaries Doesn't get easy or enjoyable. This family (outside of MIL and her legendary rages) doesn't express direct anger or hurt, rather they try to hunt and snipe in passive aggressive manipulation. Except it's not sniping when I'm looking right at you. I've heard it said that enforcing boundaries is teachign people what they failed to learned isn't ehir family of origin- to respect others. But I don't take my job so seriously- it's more to protect me. Just need to share my frustration with people who understand. Happy to form an online support group 😜 Edited December 19, 2016 by LarlaB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 No words except to say I'm sorry you have to deal with this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 ((hugs)) No, it doesn't get easy or enjoyable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 I'm glad , for your sake, you are not caught up in the swirl of it all. It is relentless and never ending. Sucks the life out of you. Good for you for standing your ground. Don't let them make you think twice about your decisions, and don't let them make you self doubt. Stand strong! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 Sounds like you have it handled. The ladies of DWIL would be proud. Get some rest and recover! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Unfortunately, I totally understand because we have very similar issues. It took me a LONG time to protect myself and I feel so much better now. It's emotionally exhausting dealing with that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 :grouphug: Good for you for being clear and enforcing your boundaries. It must be exhausting having to repeat yourself so much to adults who should be perfectly capable of understanding you the first time. I hope you have as peaceful a holiday as possible. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: I hope the time passes quickly so you can go back to being very distant. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarlaB Posted December 19, 2016 Author Share Posted December 19, 2016 It's a huge relief to have a place like this in which people understand that this isn't the run o' the mill IL issues but rather personality disorders and corrupted family systems. Thank you for the sympathy and understanding. DH, a former pastor, and the "glue" of the family was the president of a family business, yet fired by his mother ina fit or rage- almost 3 years ago. It's been rough. Supporting this family system by ving cocktail and posing for pictures....not high on my list of things I'd like to do.. But here we are. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acadie Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 BTDT with the barrage of questions on symptoms. And about the flying monkeys still getting under your skin--I get it. Even several years after understanding what was happening, it still distresses me that other people in my family buy the narcissist's crap. Unbelievable, for one thing, and just so destructive and unjust. It creates so much work, either maintaining boundaries as you've described, or in some cases with my family, attempting to dismantle negative views of other people (including children) based on toxic negative gossip. I see it as a symptom of pervasive dysfunction within the family unit when so many people buy it. Ok, I'll admit I'm in a bad mood thinking about a brief upcoming holiday visit. Hearing about your flu, and thinking about the crazy schedule I've had lately, makes me realize it's always easier to handle when I'm in a good place. Extreme self-care in the next few days! I hope you feel better soon, and enjoy the holiday with the people you love, who really love you. Amy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this, but so proud of you for holding firm to your boundaries. I get how exhausting it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meena Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 I know exactly how you feel about boundaries to protect yourself. This year's Thanksgiving and Christmas have been very awkward because my MIL chose to pick a huge, ridiculous fight at the end of October. She verbally attacked me at one of our children's sports events, then went after my DH when I held my ground and refused to engage with her. We decided to skip Thanksgiving with the IL's and haven't confirmed plans for Christmas because their mind games can be so exhausting. I know it isn't right to avoid them for a long time, but in this time of our life we just don't have the time or energy to deal with them. It sounds like you have great boundaries in place, so hold strong! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 I know exactly how you feel about boundaries to protect yourself. This year's Thanksgiving and Christmas have been very awkward because my MIL chose to pick a huge, ridiculous fight at the end of October. She verbally attacked me at one of our children's sports events, then went after my DH when I held my ground and refused to engage with her. We decided to skip Thanksgiving with the IL's and haven't confirmed plans for Christmas because their mind games can be so exhausting. I know it isn't right to avoid them for a long time, but in this time of our life we just don't have the time or energy to deal with them. It sounds like you have great boundaries in place, so hold strong! It is not wrong to avoid adult people who negatively impact your life. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 I know exactly how you feel about boundaries to protect yourself. This year's Thanksgiving and Christmas have been very awkward because my MIL chose to pick a huge, ridiculous fight at the end of October. She verbally attacked me at one of our children's sports events, then went after my DH when I held my ground and refused to engage with her. We decided to skip Thanksgiving with the IL's and haven't confirmed plans for Christmas because their mind games can be so exhausting. I know it isn't right to avoid them for a long time, but in this time of our life we just don't have the time or energy to deal with them. It sounds like you have great boundaries in place, so hold strong! What isn't right is being manipulated, verbally attacked, and ongoing mind games. What IS right is protecting yourself, protecting your family, and staying emotionally and mentally healthy by avoiding manipulation, verbal attacks, and mind games. Energy, or not. Choices have consequences. An adult choosing to engage in the above mentioned behaviors is an adult who chooses to lose relationship privileges such as personal contact and conversation. Bravo on skipping Thanksgiving with them. Might I suggest that unless you receive a heartfelt apology and social contract for better behavior going forward, you also skip Christmas. Enjoy your holiday with people who are enjoyable to be around. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarlaB Posted December 20, 2016 Author Share Posted December 20, 2016 I know exactly how you feel about boundaries to protect yourself. This year's Thanksgiving and Christmas have been very awkward because my MIL chose to pick a huge, ridiculous fight at the end of October. She verbally attacked me at one of our children's sports events, then went after my DH when I held my ground and refused to engage with her. We decided to skip Thanksgiving with the IL's and haven't confirmed plans for Christmas because their mind games can be so exhausting. I know it isn't right to avoid them for a long time, but in this time of our life we just don't have the time or energy to deal with them. It sounds like you have great boundaries in place, so hold strong! I understand. After significant incidents we always took a lengthy time out regardless of gnashing of teeth and guilt trips. It's time for us to regroup and heal and carefully consider what we want to allow and how best to protect ourselves and children. So exhausting. We are only seeing them 2-3 times a year and they are not welcome to partipate in normal events...only special things so they have to be on good behavior.. Family ties are not a blank check to abusive, crap behavior. But yet it's so hard to keep the relationship open and to have contact with people who simply will not behave decently. It would be so much "easier" to just walk away. You're doing great! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplejackmama Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 There are huge chunks of times in my life that my NP family has been excluded from. I lack the ability to deal so I have to cut off any and all communication. It's like putting them in a time out. But, they have a way of weasling back in and then the gerbil wheel insanity continues. Bravo ladies! I commend you all. Life is hard and these Yahoos make it worse. Cheers to a happy, healthy, lower stress, no passive agressive holiday!! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 20, 2016 Share Posted December 20, 2016 hugs. My sister would leave town at christmas to avoid toxic relatives. originally it was more about the escape. as the years went by - it was about the get-away family time. her girls are both gone, but she still goes around christmas. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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