How to reach out?

[maize]

We have two sets of neighbors (one next door, the other a few doors down in the same cul-de-sac) that I am concerned for right now. Both older couples, both husbands have cancer. At the house next door it is clear the sick man has taken a turn for the worse--lots of people in and out, including home health aides. The other house, I've seen an ambulance pull up at two days in a row. That house is quiet now and I'm guessing someone is in the hospital.

 

These are folks I would consider friendly acquaintances. We've lived here a few years, always wave and say hi, sometimes stop and chat. I don't want to intrude in any way that would make them uncomfortable but I'd like to reach out and offer whatever support I can.

 

Ideas?

Edited September 13, 2016 by maize

[regentrude]

Use an overabundance of produce or baked goods as an excuse to stop by their house. Explain you got bushels of apples from the orchard/baked too many muffins and want to share the bounty, ask how things are, whether they need any help. Even if they don't, they will appreciate the gesture.

[gaillardia]

I stalk people when I want to see if they need help. What I mean is that I watch their home and when it looks like someone is home I go over with an index card and my name, phone number, and address on it.

If you want to help them by providing a meal or more, or do laundry, cleaning their home, then maybe you could write that on the card too.

Or maybe, since you think this might be serious health issues, actually include a "Thinking of You" card with the index card.

Surprisingly, sometimes people don't realize they actually need help but are reluctant to get it from people they don't know very well. It then reminds them to reach out to their friends and family. That's what I've seen happen in my neighborhoods.

If you feel brave enough you've already got a meal prepared and boxed up and you're walking in when they open the door.

[gaillardia]

I like regentrude's idea better.

[JustEm]

I would bring over a homemade baked good and see how they are doing/ask if there is anyway you can help. This wouldn't be seen as intrusive at all with our neighbors though. My children have brought them home made cookies before and they've even given is Christmas gifts a few years.

[Rosie_0801]

Food is a good idea. Especially baked goods like muffins. People under that amount of stress are usually not eating well enough to maintain their own efforts to support the person with the most serious problem. Extreme stress also reduces our ability to digest food, so make blueberry muffins instead of oat bran muffins. 

 

I made raw truffles (nuts, dates, other flavourings) for my FIL when he was ill with cancer. I figured it'd give him something to offer hospitably when he was in hospital. Don't know if he did, but there were always fewer there when I was there than I'd given, so someone must have been eating them.

[Alicia64]

I agree with everyone. As a kid, we lived next door to a teen who eventually died of cancer. I didn't have a clue what to do. I was young. Don't waste your chance. Like I did.

 

Aley

[Spryte]

I stalk people when I want to see if they need help. What I mean is that I watch their home and when it looks like someone is home I go over with an index card and my name, phone number, and address on it.

If you want to help them by providing a meal or more, or do laundry, cleaning their home, then maybe you could write that on the card too.

Or maybe, since you think this might be serious health issues, actually include a "Thinking of You" card with the index card.

Surprisingly, sometimes people don't realize they actually need help but are reluctant to get it from people they don't know very well. It then reminds them to reach out to their friends and family. That's what I've seen happen in my neighborhoods.

If you feel brave enough you've already got a meal prepared and boxed up and you're walking in when they open the door.

 

Are you my neighbor?  :)

 

When we had just moved in, my mom came to visit and fell down our stairs.  She had to leave by ambulance, and was overnight in the hospital.  I was with her, but my DH said that a neighbor stopped by with an index card with all of their contact info, and offers to help.  She just flat out said she'd seen the ambulance, she was worried, and wanted to help in any way she could.  It was super sweet.  She didn't bring baked goods, just kindness.  It really touched me.  

 

I think it's great just to be direct and offer help that way.  :)

[Stacia]

I like what Spryte said.

 

My mom had surgery for cancer at the end of June. They are friendly with neighbors on one side (who are fairly recent to the neighborhood). The couple next door are much younger than my parents & they have 3 young kids. Once my mom was home from the hospital, they brought over some homemade cookies their kids had made, a vase of flowers, & a card made by the kids.

 

It was super-sweet & my parents were very touched & appreciated it very much.

[Selkie]

I would see if they need help with yard work or any household tasks.  If they're spending lots of time at the hospital, you could offer to bring their mail in, care for their pets, or take their garbage cans to the curb on trash day.  You could also drop off a bag or two of groceries.

[TechWife]

Are you my neighbor? :)

 

When we had just moved in, my mom came to visit and fell down our stairs. She had to leave by ambulance, and was overnight in the hospital. I was with her, but my DH said that a neighbor stopped by with an index card with all of their contact info, and offers to help. She just flat out said she'd seen the ambulance, she was worried, and wanted to help in any way she could. It was super sweet. She didn't bring baked goods, just kindness. It really touched me.

 

I think it's great just to be direct and offer help that way. :)

Very sweet!

 

When my son went to the hospital, a neighbor saw the ambulance at night and then kept watch and realized we hadn't been home in a few days. Her husband left a voice mail for us, expressing concern and offering help. When my husband went home later in the week to do laundry and bring clean clothes, she saw the car and showed up at the front door with some chili and bread. They also did things like bring in our papers, take down our outdoor Christmas lights,etc.. One time after a storm I cleaned up the yard of a family in our neighborhood who had an ill newborn in the hospital. Little things like that are really helpful and can be done in a non-intrusive way.

 

I like the idea of making sure someone has your contact information. If we hadn't known our neighbors, I would have appreciated that!

[J-rap]

Do any of those couples mow their own lawns, etc.?  Maybe just go over there and start mowing their lawn when it needs it.  Or water their flowers.  When we went through our Year of H_ _ _ , a family from across town just began driving over once/week to take care of our lawn, mow the grass, rake the leaves, shovel snow.  It was amazing.

 

Other families fed us.  And others dropped off gift certificates for restaurants. 

 

All of those things were a tremendous help to us.

[LucyStoner]

Drop off something like regentrude suggested and then retreat so they don't feel pressured to host you. Then perhaps call or knock and say "I am going to the market, do you need anything?" Or when you are out doing yard work ask if they would like you to mow their grass too. Basically offer specific help they can say yes or no to. Often when people reach out they rely on the generic "let me know if you need anything." IME no one is going to reach out to generalized non-specific offers of non-specific help. But they might well say, "you know, I could really use some milk and eggs, thanks for offering." The help o appreciated most when my mom was dying were the concrete offers so I didn't feel awkward asking.

[Spryte]

Very sweet!

 

When my son went to the hospital, a neighbor saw the ambulance at night and then kept watch and realized we hadn't been home in a few days. Her husband left a voice mail for us, expressing concern and offering help. When my husband went home later in the week to do laundry and bring clean clothes, she saw the car and showed up at the front door with some chili and bread. They also did things like bring in our papers, take down our outdoor Christmas lights,etc.. One time after a storm I cleaned up the yard of a family in our neighborhood who had an ill newborn in the hospital. Little things like that are really helpful and can be done in a non-intrusive way.

 

I like the idea of making sure someone has your contact information. If we hadn't known our neighbors, I would have appreciated that!

 

That is so kind.  Good neighbors are wonderful.