If you allow your teen to date...range of opinions wanted

[Night Elf]

It's funny because these days meeting people on-line is quite common.  At that time it wasn't so much.  I was actually afraid to tell people how we met.  Weird I know, but yep. 

 

How long are we talking about? I think it was fairly common when we met 21 years ago in 1995. I honestly never thought about the dangers I could have encountered. That's what is so strange because I'm generally a cautious person. I just threw caution to the wind! I'm glad I did, but still, it was a crazy thing for me to do.

 

Oops, this is derailing the thread. Sorry. I just find it fascinating!

[sassenach]

I'm not a fan of traditional dating - where mom and dad don't know him (or her) and they get to spend lots of time together, unchaperoned.

 

I will say, for us, and I'm more than willing to wear my flame suit, the Bible is pretty clear that believers are *not* to be yoked with unbelievers and for a very good reason. And so if your daughter has strong personal religious convictions, he should be avoided no matter how sweet/nice/respectable/wonderful. I know it sounds harsh. You can PM me if you'd like.

 

Our DD is currently "dating" / dorting? Something. They spend a lot of time together an a lot apart doing their own activities to finish growing up. They have been raised pretty different (ours *not* in a church, his family very active in church) but both have the same belief. Neither do "serial" dating. One is homeschooled, the other completely public schooled. Both are already graduated and so a good age to meet someone.

 

Our second kiddo asked last night to ask someone out. She's younger. I'm not thrilled. Oh my goodness -she is great - adorable, the right amount of sass, bright, and we've met her parents a couple times through activities. But the age thing is a real problem for me. Dating leads to attachment, attachment leads to more time spent together, more time together - at this age, generally leads to concentrating on the other person more than getting done what a teen needs to get done. More than that, it is a relationship on hold.... For years and years. Talk about a frustrating challenge.

 

While I understand (and sympathize) with his sense of urgency to ask her out - at the same time I know it's a false sense of urgency. There is no rush, just like there isn't in this case.

Can't they spend time together for a while (both at his house and yours) in a family setting or a group setting without slapping a name on it?

 

I opened this because our DS is a kid with his head screwed on straight and has never really taken a second look at anyone. I really want to respect that but at the same time I also know this young lady is only a sophomore... two more years of high school and then college. There simply isn't the rush he feels.

I think I align pretty much with you on this topic. Here's where I get torn about it. Dh and I are high school sweethearts. Many of our most solid and best friends are also. Our very best couple friends are middle school sweethearts! The majority of these couples are in ministry. So how do I reconcile the many healthy marriages in my life with the fact that we all started dating "too soon?"

 

Thankfully, the eldest wasn't interested in high school. But we never made a rule about it. We just told our kids that it was weighty business and we expect them to be thoughtful in their choices.

[QueenCat]

Regarding curfew: I generally ask What Time do you expect to be Home? And my teens knew that if they didn't contact me about missing that time, then they would have to listen to the Mom Lecture for hours and hours and hours. I explained that this is what adults do - if DH or I are going to be late, we let the other know. It just polite to let someone know if plans change. It was never an issue - my kids always had cell phones and chargers with them and it was better to call or text than to get lectured later.

 

This has been how we approached pretty much anyone going anywhere once they could independently. We did not have a set curfew. If the time given was unreasonable to us, when child told us a time, it was discussed and then a time frame was agreed to. I've never understood a teen getting punished for coming in at 11:05pm when the curfew was 11:00pm. If you know you're going to be late, call, explain and we'll see you when you get home. Just don't make us worry by not calling. Dh and I do this too! If we're going to be significantly later than expected, we let each other or a child know, if child is home alone.

[SparklyUnicorn]

How long are we talking about? I think it was fairly common when we met 21 years ago in 1995. I honestly never thought about the dangers I could have encountered. That's what is so strange because I'm generally a cautious person. I just threw caution to the wind! I'm glad I did, but still, it was a crazy thing for me to do.

 

Oops, this is derailing the thread. Sorry. I just find it fascinating!

 

It was around that time yes.  I didn't know a lot of people who were doing it. 

 

But gee now I feel old.  LOL

[Farrar]

My kids aren't there yet, but my hope is to be able to set basic safety rules and stay out of it. I liked Tap's rules above. I don't need to know parents or meet people or have every detail, it's more the outline, the name, etc. And curfews can have a little flexibility. I already let my 11 yo stay out past midnight with his theater friends a couple of times, so I'm thinking by the time he's a proper teenager, I'm not going to have a leg to stand on, but that's okay.

 

The background check thing totally reminded me of a parent of a friend in high school who worked for the DMV. At some point, it became clear that he had looked at everyone's driving record. Like, all of us. And he never did anything - he just wanted to let you know he knew who had tickets. In retrospect, I'm like, gee, that's sort of creepy, but I remember at the time we all thought it was funny. It probably helped that he was a nice dad and funny.

 

[TranquilMind]

Your DD should be made aware that there is a LOT of "hooking up" that goes on among jr. enlisted at boot camp and in the barracks. That's not to say that this young man will engage in it because certainly not everyone does. But it is very, very common and getting involved with someone about to head off to the military without her could very well result in heartbreak.

 

Yep.  This is my first thought.  He is 18.  There will be sex, most likely (exceptions do exist, but they are rare).  There will be extra drama because of his impending departure.  She may naturally feel she is so "in-love" and will miss him so much.

 

I don't know what you can actually do about it, but I would be sure to talk to her about all the possibilities. 

 

[Starr]

He's graduating, joining the service and she's going to be a junior? That's a big difference right now. I'd like to  think I'd go for less time together than more. 

[SKL]

This topic is way early for me, but I have a few thoughts.

 

As long as she is a "kid" in most respects, e.g., still in high school, under 18, living in your house - I would expect that her date come in and meet and talk to the parents.

 

I don't think I'd set an unusual curfew, but I'd discuss with her what is a reasonable time for her to come home (and for you to worry if she isn't home).  When I was a teen, I preferred to be able to tell my date that I "had to go home" vs. letting him try to talk me into or out of anything.  ;)  So I would have very much supported a reasonable end time, but I would have wanted input based on what we planned on doing on the date.

[BlsdMama]

I think I align pretty much with you on this topic. Here's where I get torn about it. Dh and I are high school sweethearts. Many of our most solid and best friends are also. Our very best couple friends are middle school sweethearts! The majority of these couples are in ministry. So how do I reconcile the many healthy marriages in my life with the fact that we all started dating "too soon?"

 

Thankfully, the eldest wasn't interested in high school. But we never made a rule about it. We just told our kids that it was weighty business and we expect them to be thoughtful in their choices.

 

 

Yes, but in what context is it?  For example - you have a 16yo boy and a 14/15yo girl - would have been actually dating - the dinner, movie, all unsupervised?  Or was it more of a more family and/or church setting where they certainly already preferred one another's company and were a "couple" but very little time alone and/or unchaperoned?

 

I ask because the world mindset seems to be, "Oh, you're a teen, you're entitled to your privacy and your choices."  I disagree.  I feel that they are entitled to respect but that does not equate to any choice, especially when it isn't necessarily conducive to good choices, few regrets, and a healthy self image.  I was raised with privacy, freedom of choice, and very little supervision through my teen years.  I really resent it.  ;)

[Butter]

We don't allow dating until 16.  My daughter has been on one date and has a second (with the same boy) scheduled and a third (with a different boy) agreed to but not yet scheduled.  The boys are both 16 as well (one is almost 17).  The first boy is homeschooled so curfew hasn't been an issue.  They go out during the day after they are both done their school work.  The other boy will probably be a Friday evening or Saturday afternoon date.  I know both sets of parents extremely well and have for long since before the kids even turned 16.  I suspect the boy's curfew will be earlier than any we'd set for our daughter to be honest.

[fairfarmhand]

The book Dating With Integrity really fleshed out my dating ideas.

 

Loved the book and the fact that it's written TO YOUNG PEOPLE. Because if you have rules, they may or may not apply unless the kid is on board. The author makes so much logical common sense about dating. He's not a courtship kind of guy, but it is very practical.

[BlsdMama]

The book Dating With Integrity really fleshed out my dating ideas.

 

Loved the book and the fact that it's written TO YOUNG PEOPLE. Because if you have rules, they may or may not apply unless the kid is on board. The author makes so much logical common sense about dating. He's not a courtship kind of guy, but it is very practical.

 

Hm.  I'm going to go find this one - thank you for the recommendation.