How did you go from not good communication to good communication with dh?

[Excelsior! Academy]

See question above. :D

[kbutton]

Work in progress here, but some things that help...

 

Putting facts on paper, and tying those to calendar dates. It makes it more concrete somehow.

 

Talking about body language and such. There are some distinct vibes that come across when things get "negative." I put that word in quotes because it means different things to different people--something that is difficult but not necessarily personally offensive can often be negative and bring out bad vibes that make it look like someone is offended personally when that person is not actually offended. Sorry to talk in circles. Example, if one person finds planning something to be really difficult, and plans need to be made, they might give off an air of an attitude or act offended, but it's really more of a "I'm overwhelmed" kind of thing. 

 

When the stakes aren't life-altering, sometimes just letting things go to their logical end (oh, we didn't talk about that subscription after I brought that up, so I let it lapse). 

 

That's about all I've got. We have less trouble with the male/female thing and more with practical stuff that requires executive functioning skills.

[jelbe5]

Therapy with a highly skilled therapist who was able to remain neutral and teach us skills and techniques we could use every day.

[PineFarmMom]

For us, It works best when I make a point to not read things into his lack of response or a response that angers me. He is a thinker. He likes to ponder an issue and doesn't always say, "Hey, I'm going to ponder this issue." Some of it is time. I know he is out for our good, my good, the kids' good. When I establish that and live accordingly, it makes things run more smoothly. I think we have progressed here slowly over 20ish years of marriage. I remember times in the past of frustration and anger, feeling like we didn't communicate well. I don't think I just woke up one morning and things were perfect. They still aren't, but we communicate well, get along well, and are pretty at peace with one another. It took years of getting to know how the other ticks. And caring to know that as well!!

[Rosyl]

I had a really great answer until I caught the with husband.    :laugh:

 

Seriously,  the book Crucial Conversations.  One of the things they recommend is getting the person to see you are on the same side.  I have diffused several conversations that could have derailed with this.

Ex.  I am not saying you are spending too much money eating lunch out every day, I am saying that I am trying to save money by eating at home so we can go on that vacation we want this summer.

 

 

There's more to it than getting the person to see you are on the same side, that's a start.  I recommend the book.

 

Edited February 15, 2016 by Rosyl

[Entropymama]

Good question! I won't say dh and I have a perfect marriage, but we've come leaps and bounds in the past few years. Here are a few things I learned:

 

*Not everything needs to be said, and not everything that needs to be said needs to be said to him. :) Too often he'd come home and receive the full brunt of all my little stresses and worries from the day - about the kids, homeschooling, the house, my friends, myself, my future, our marriage, the grocery list, the budget, my hair, etc. etc. It was overwhelming to him. Find someone else to release this on (as much as can be). When I saved the truly important things to discuss with him he was more responsive. 

 

*When there was something important to discuss, I was careful to plan out what I would say rather than just dumping all my thoughts on him. See above about being overwhelmed. 

 

*My dh (like many men) prefers to have time to process things before he responds. This would drive me nuts because after lambasting him with all my concerns, he would say nothing. Cue fight. I learned to lay out my thoughts and then give him some space to think about it, accepting that sometimes this would be a few days. 

 

*Writing letters has been very effective. It prevents the verbal onslaught, gives me time to lay out my thoughts clearly and concisely without so much drama, and gives him space to respond when he's ready. 

 

*DON'T MANIPULATE. Don't say it's fine if it isn't fine. Don't cry and say it's nothing to get him to ask again. I have been so guilty of this. 

 

As far as getting HIM to talk to ME.. ask specific questions and give space for answers. For example, I no longer ask what he's thinking or how he feels about things. Asking for action steps is far more effective. For example, if one of the kids is having trouble I'll ask what he would do or say to the child rather than what he thinks about the problem. If I need to know his feelings, I'll ask. Do you feel angry? Are you hurt by this? 

 

Finally, I've learned to respect his answers. If he says something doesn't bother him, I trust him. I don't ask again because I would be upset by that thing so surely he must feel SOMETHING. If he gives an opinion I consider it honestly. I don't immediately shoot down his thoughts if I disagree with him - once he opens up he'll clam up quick if I get defensive or argumentative (you said you wanted to know how I feel...). 

 

More respect, more empathy, less drama. 

[Excelsior! Academy]

It would depend on what you mean by not good communication... some would mean that they fight all the time, some have trouble expressing what they need, some express what they need but spouse cannot/ is not willing to provide it.

 

So can you be a little more specific?

 

 

Sure!  Dh and I agree, but often come across the same situation differently.  Sometimes this is good because both he and I learn new approaches to similar situations.  Sometimes not.  ;)  I need to learn to speak "man."

 

Adding...we aren't fighting, just wanting to communicate more efficiently.

[Arcadia]

Agree to disagree without taking it personally.

 

Having to spell it all out for hubby because he doesn't understand hints despite MIL love for hinting.

 

He realise he is bad at hinting because it is so obvious to kids and me but he hints for fun.

 

Don't whine about money when finances are tight. It makes hubby feel bad that he is not earning more.

 

Hubby needs a checklist for shopping else I would be exasperated that he miss out something that I can't walk and buy.

 

We were friends for 8 years before marriage so we had the bulk of our communications mishaps before marriage.

[Katy]

Depends on what the problem is...  what's the problem?

[Crimson Wife]

Our church required formal pre-marital counseling with a MFT including communication training and I'm positive it has saved us from divorce during the rough patches in our 17 year marriage. A biggie was learning to disentangle being mad at the situation in which we found ourselves from being mad at the other spouse. Obviously that doesn't help in all circumstances (sometimes it really IS the other spouse like if there were infidelity). But a lot of times it does help to view the challenges as "us vs. the s*cky economy" rather than "you vs. me".

[PeacefulChaos]

Chiming in not because I have any advice, but because I'm interested in hearing what others have to say, as well.

 

DH and I communicate okay, but we could always do better.  Right now I think there are a lot of things causing us (mostly me) to have some difficulty communicating - nothing groundbreaking or earth shattering or anything that's going to destroy us - just some difficult situations that are around us, not between us.  If that makes sense.  But I won't go into it here.  PM me if you want to talk in more specifics either way.  :)

[Chris in VA]

Something we learned in Marriage Encounter (not recommending it, just this idea) was to help communicate a feeling by finding a metaphor that the other person could relate to. It has helped more than once.

We also try to follow some little rules--don't rush talking when it's something important, allow a person to stop but they have to be willing to give a time to finish the conversation (so no one gets to cop out, but taking a break is ok), and try not to use "always" and "never." I also try to avoid psychoanalyzing my husband, but I am not good at that! lol Allowing him to have a different opinion and agreeing to disagree is a big one for us, also.

 

We just came to these ideas thru reading good stuff and thru living in marriage for 30 years. Alpha Marriage Course was also quite good.

[Artichoke]

Dh and I had a similar situation. We spent a few sessions with a famy therapist and worked on communication skills. It felt weird to practice how to work towards a resolution, but it was worth the effort. It was time and money well spent.

[EmseB]

A lot of time, trial and error and forgiveness and recognizing neither of us is perfect.

 

Sorry, probably not a good answer but I think the most important thing is being able to deal with the miscommunication after it happens and not holding grudges.

[PineFarmMom]

Also, one other thing. I think you probably know this, but either don't vent about your arguments to anyone at all or very carefully select the person to vent to that you know will give wise counsel and none of that "Ain't no man gonna talk like that to me!!" type counsel. Ask me how I know. 😠I highly suggest not saying anything negative about him at all. Some of that good communication won't happen by tomorrow but bad advice by unwise friends can damage things now!!! When I was in my twenties I had a friend who gave really bad counsel to me and I didn't fully know it at the time. Again, this may all be obvious to you but I wanted to throw it out there.