Anne in CA Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Can I just ask for an update when the party is over? I would like to know how many people came when they had to get a babysitter. Curiosity is my main weakness, lol. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I don't think it's rude. It would have spared us some awkwardness last weekend if a friend would have told us that, instead of us arriving with our 4 little ones to what was obviously NOT a child-friendly gathering. Apparently he felt bad saying no kids. But instead of being a little weird beforehand it was even MORE uncomfortable to be there with 20 child-free couples as the realization that our kids weren't really welcome came to us. So we left after 20 minutes. :iagree: I know you've made the invites, OP, but I wanted to chime in and agree with this. We had a really frustrating dynamic for several years where we were the only family with young kids in our social group, and we didn't have easy access to sitters, grandparents, family of any kind. We are also in an area where people are somehow just expected to know what is appropriate at each party without asking (and we're not from here, so we don't have that automatic vibe). Having to ask every time whether kids were welcome just made us feel stupid and not included each time they hemmed and hawed instead of stating something up front (some events were okay for kids). Much nicer to know ahead of time. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TX Native Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I appreciate "adults only" addressed on an invitation addressed to just an adult or a couple who has children. I appreciate the adults names and children's names or a statement that the entire family is welcome on invitations to events where it isn't obvious that kids are included. I take an invitation addressing just the adult(s) to mean no kids. But people around me, including several friends and my husband, think if it isn't a formal event someone would assume their kids were invited along to a casual event even if the invitation doesn't state "and family" or _____(insert kids'names)" on the invitation. Recently, my dh and and I were invited to something that only had our names on the invitation. It was a home in our neighborhood and dh's assumed the kids' were invited along. I assumed they weren't. Then my neighbor that was also invited assumed her entire family was invited because the host knows us well and only sees us with our kids. Also the host knows we are both on tight budgets and don't get sitters often. We both clarified individually, trying not to put the host in a position of feeling bad if she was unclear about it being adults only or families. She did intend adults only. The enighbor and I arranged our kids to stay together at my house across the street from the event and we just took turns checking on them. We put in a movie and hoped they didn't burn the house down, lol. Our kids are mature enough to follow instructions and old enough to handle us across the street for a couple of hours. It was a last minute plan that worked, but it would have made it easier if was clear in our society that people who write the adults' names only on the invitation mean the adults only. 2 families had brought their children and their children were bored. On the other hand, my dh and I got invited to an event one time that only said our names and we got a sitter. When we arrived at the event, the host was surprised our kids weren't with us and asked why we didn't bring them. We didn't want to make them feel bad about the invitation presuming the kids weren't invited, and just said we wanted a night out w/o kids. There were lots of kids there that our kidswould have enjoyed playing with. Plus it would have saved us paying a sitter since we were on an even tighter budget at that time, 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 <snip> it would have made it easier if was clear in our society that people who write the adults' names only on the invitation mean the adults only. 2 families had brought their children and their children were bored. <snip> I know what you mean. And every time I hear someone complain that etiquette rules are unneeded and passe', I think of situations like this. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) I realize I'm late to this party (pun intended ;) ) but I think you did the right thing. It's not at all rude to 1. Host an adults only party. 2. Specifically say so on the invitations. Over the years when ds was little we've had friends or acquaintances hold both types of parties, but unfortunately they weren't always clear which was which. Many of the adults only parties simply hinted at no children. Sometimes when I called to confirm, the host almost sounded like she (usually it was a she) was apologizing for not allowing children and saying she had several people call and ask. I would end up having to assure her it was fine, I just wanted to check. Specifying whether or not children are invited to an event or party helps both the guest and host avoid that awkward phone call or text. Edited November 21, 2015 by Lady Florida 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 was their last name Herdman? No, it was the same last name as our pastor (not his wife). Hence her thinking she could do what she wanted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) No, it was the same last name as our pastor (not his wife). Hence her thinking she could do what she wanted. are you familiar with the book/movie the best christmas pageant ever? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085231/ youtube.com http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085231/ highly recommend it. Edited November 21, 2015 by gardenmom5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daria Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Also, be clear about nursing babies. For some reason, some people don't get that adults-only doesn't mean no nursing babies. Why would the fact that a baby is nursing be relevant? I'm not usually super sensitive about baby feeding, but as the parent of a baby who didn't nurse, largely because he was adopted but also because of medical reasons, feeling like my child was less welcome because of how he was fed would have hurt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 (edited) Also, be clear about nursing babies. For some reason, some people don't get that adults-only doesn't mean no nursing babies. and some people don't get that adults-only, *means* adults only. nursing babies are not adults. there will be future adult only events if a couple feel their infant is too small to leave. then they need to stay with their infant. eta: babies get tired and cranky, they need to be changed, they need to be cared for. they are a big distraction from an adult event. some people might enjoy them - and other's won't. and those who won't might feel cheated because they came to an adult only event - and there's a fussing infant. Edited November 22, 2015 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Why would the fact that a baby is nursing be relevant? I'm not usually super sensitive about baby feeding, but as the parent of a baby who didn't nurse, largely because he was adopted but also because of medical reasons, feeling like my child was less welcome because of how he was fed would have hurt. It has nothing to do with prejudice against those who are bottle-fed. Sometimes nurslings literally will not drink from a bottle. My own two kids both refused. Dd wouldn't drink from a bottle at all. Ds could only be persuaded to drink one ounce from a bottle, if he was held face-out and his sitter was outside with him. We tried all kinds of crazy gymnastics with both kids to get them to drink from a bottle, and they simply would not. My mil scoffed at our efforts, but when she tried all kinds of crazy gymnastics to get the babies to drink from a bottle, she was defeated as well. We also tried enlisting other friends or relatives, but both kids simply refused. In addition, my dd would only nurse on one side at a time, which meant that she nursed a lot more frequently. This effectively tied my kids to me. I was happy to nurse them, but I would have welcomed more freedom. I ended up shrugging and saying they wouldn't be so tiny or so needy for long. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 Why would the fact that a baby is nursing be relevant? I'm not usually super sensitive about baby feeding, but as the parent of a baby who didn't nurse, largely because he was adopted but also because of medical reasons, feeling like my child was less welcome because of how he was fed would have hurt. I've always taken "nursing baby" to be sort of a euphemism for an infant, one who would likely be in their mother's arms and not a hindrance or distraction to the people at the gathering. I don't think it has anything to do with a nursing baby being more welcome than a bottle-fed baby. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I've always taken "nursing baby" to be sort of a euphemism for an infant, one who would likely be in their mother's arms and not a hindrance or distraction to the people at the gathering. I don't think it has anything to do with a nursing baby being more welcome than a bottle-fed baby. an infant not yet on solids. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TX Native Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 (edited) Why would the fact that a baby is nursing be relevant? I'm not usually super sensitive about baby feeding, but as the parent of a baby who didn't nurse, largely because he was adopted but also because of medical reasons, feeling like my child was less welcome because of how he was fed would have hurt. Just to answer the question from my perspective: I would have been hesitant to go to an adult only event without my young infant because I would get engorged and leak milk if I didn't go pump. Plus I would have had to pump ahead of time to leave enough milk for the baby while away. I didn't like pumping unless necessary, It takes so much longer to set up and clean up than just nursing. It was much easier for me to just find a private corner or small room to discreetly nurse my baby while talking to other women at a party. I equally wouldn't have been offended if a host excluded newborns and nursing infants. I would have politely declined the invitation. When my babies got older and nursed less frequently, it was easy to leave them home to attend an event for a few hours without worrying about needing to pump. I wouldn't say nursing infants only on an invite sent out. If I knew everyone invited personally, I would send anyone with a young infant (regardless of nursing or bottle fed) an email or call stating their infant was welcome. If I didn't know all the guests, then I would put infants of x months or younger welcome (editing in: may add a note to please contact me for any special circumstances for an older infant). Tiny babies are usually content if fed and bundled well unless they are colicky or in some other discomfort. If my baby were to cry a lot, I would excuse myself from the party temporarily or altogether if necessary. I would trust someone else would do the same, but know it was a risk I took allowing babies. I don't see a reason why a young infant would change the dynamics of an adult only non formal event. Unless of course drugs, excessive drinking, smoking around the infant, or unmentionable adult activities were involved.....not that this is the case in what we are talking about here, lol. At the same time, I completely understand if someone else prefers to exclude all babies, including young infants. Just preference of the host along with particulars of the event.. I completely understand the OP thinking ahead that while young infants may not change the party dynamic, she didn't want to provide access to non-public areas of her home for nursing or diaper changes. I wouldn't have thought that far ahead on my own if I was inviting strangers or mild acquaintences. Edited November 22, 2015 by TX native 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SebastianCat Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 It has nothing to do with prejudice against those who are bottle-fed. Sometimes nurslings literally will not drink from a bottle. My own two kids both refused. Dd wouldn't drink from a bottle at all. Ds could only be persuaded to drink one ounce from a bottle, if he was held face-out and his sitter was outside with him. We tried all kinds of crazy gymnastics with both kids to get them to drink from a bottle, and they simply would not. My mil scoffed at our efforts, but when she tried all kinds of crazy gymnastics to get the babies to drink from a bottle, she was defeated as well. We also tried enlisting other friends or relatives, but both kids simply refused. In addition, my dd would only nurse on one side at a time, which meant that she nursed a lot more frequently. This effectively tied my kids to me. I was happy to nurse them, but I would have welcomed more freedom. I ended up shrugging and saying they wouldn't be so tiny or so needy for long. I had one of those babies who refused the bottle until she was about 6 months old, which made it difficult to leave her with a babysitter until then. I remember a couple of events where I had to leave early and DH got a ride home with a friend because she needed to be fed and there were no other options. With that being said, however, I would make absolutely no distinction between breastfed or bottlefed babies if the invitation specified "nursing infants." I would take that to mean any infant younger than (my assumption) 6 months old. I also think it's totally appropriate to specify "adults only," and most adults will recognize that there may be seasons of life where they can't attend every party to which they are invited. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daria Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 (edited) There are lots of reasons why a family might find it challenging to leave a child behind to attend a party. Perhaps they can't afford babysitting, or don't know a competent babysitter who is available that night. Perhaps it's a new adoption and they're focusing on bonding. Perhaps the child has a special need and requires special care. I could go on an on. Each of these reasons is as valid as "my baby won't take a bottle". So, saying "well this particular reason is the only one we'll accept", is a little exclusionary. Saying "no kids at all". That's fine by me. Saying "babes in arms" or "kids under X age, because they aren't as disruptive". That's fine too. Saying "kids over X age, because they aren't as disruptive". Fine too. But limiting it to babies that are nursing, and thereby excluding families formed by adoption and families with certain kinds of disabilities or medical challenges, seems rude to me. And expecting people who have infants who aren't nursing to know that "nursing babies" is a euphemism for "infants" is a little bizarre, given that the word "infant" is hardly offensive or cumbersome to use. Edited November 22, 2015 by Daria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 are you familiar with the book/movie the best christmas pageant ever? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085231/ youtube.com http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085231/ highly recommend it. Yes, I'm familiar with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I think there are strong cultural slants with small infants. Many people treat infants as part of the mother, and that is I think becoming more common as breastfeeding is becoming more common. Many babies don't take a bottle, and pumping is not that convenient or fun, and many infants are also not all that easy to leave with sitters. If that is a common way of thinking where you live, it could seem a little weird to invite a woman with a small infant to an adults-only party in the first place. (Or, for that matter, a couple you know can't afford a sitter.) Here, it is not that uncommon, our breastfeeding rates are ok and we have good maternity leaves, so many women with infants won't bother to pump, and they may well not leave their babies with a sitter either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slojo Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Sounds like you came up with the simplest solution. "Adults only." It's your party, go for it! I think the only situations in which I as the guest have felt bad is when the "adults only" inviter gave me a hard time about not coming if I couldn't or didn't feel it was appropriate to find a sitter. So if you have guests with children who decline, PLEASE just let them gracefully decline. The flip side of the "adult only" party is that you've got to be fine with folks in the thick of raising children not coming, including your bestest friend(s). We've all been in a place where a sitter just isn't going to work, and what looks like a "just get a babysitter" solution from the outside may or may not be so easy for the couple to swing, for a variety of reasons. The other is to "uninvite" kids when it wasn't clear or it was okay before, but now not okay at the last minute. In the latter situation, we were invited to a wedding in CA, and asked if our kids (2.5 and a baby) could come (as we weren't flying across country without them). It was fine, and then 3 weeks before the wedding, it was not. We'd already purchased tickets and made a vacation around the trip. So I flew across country for a wedding that I ended up not attending. It was what it was, but we were frustrated. My husband went solo that night, but we might have made other plans if we would have known the no kids thing. The host offered to find some teenage babysitters but we were already three time zones difference, new surroundings and routine, and staying with friends (so not going to be in our own space) - it felt like too many layers of "new" for our kids at the time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Yes, I'm familiar with it. I'd asked if the uber uncouth family you mentioned was the herdmans. you replied OnTheBrink, on 21 Nov 2015 - 2:38 PM, said: No, it was the same last name as our pastor (not his wife). Hence her thinking she could do what she wanted. ​ that's why I asked if you were familiar with the best Christmas pageant ever. (I was thrilled to find the whole thing on youtube so I dont' have to buy it.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Can I just ask for an update when the party is over? I would like to know how many people came when they had to get a babysitter. Curiosity is my main weakness, lol. Is it that abnormal for people to need to get babysitters for adult socials? Every where I have lived, it has been the norm for there to be adult socials, especially during the holiday season. I'd guess 75% of the parties/socials we go to during the holiday season are "adults only" and they are well attended. Very normal for people to get babysitters for those socials. People seemed to enjoy their nights out without kids. Most people in the areas we've lived did not have family around (areas with lots of transplants and a couple of military towns as well) and depended on teenage/college students to babysit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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