Southern Etiquette question

[BlsdMama]

A dear friend of mine (from the Midwest) now lives in the deep South.  

 

She's noticed when they have visitors (4-5 separate occasions) that the visitors rarely stay long and it feels as though they leave abruptly.  

 

In other words, these are people they don't know well, but know casually well enough to invite over.  The visits seem to go quite well, but in the midst of talking, the guests announce it's time to leave and then they do without having said ahead of time, "Oh, I need to be at such and such or get home and leave by X time."

 

We wondered if it is regional?

 

I also know that she and I are both talkers if it's someone pleasant and like minded on some topic or other that can carry the conversation.  I suggested maybe if the visitors are not talkers then perhaps they feel if they just don't announce they must go, then there will not be a lull in the conversation to say, "aaaaaah, well, I really hate to go, but I must...." Then talk a bit more and then ease out of the house.

 

She said it also feels as though visits are curtailed or timed?  

 

Are perfunctory visits regional?

Is there a timing ettiquette for first visits?  Successive visits?

Is it regional?

 

[zoobie]

Native Atlantan here. I don't generally have people "come to call," so I'm not sure. I invite people for a meal or activity. I don't think the issue can be blamed on the region. Different people leaving abruptly repeatedly is odd and would stump me too!

[pehp]

Not in my neck of the Southern woods.  But I will say that most people are probably aware of overstaying their welcome.  Maybe that's it?? I tend to mentally think about how long I SHOULD stay somewhere, and work from that.  It's not as scientific as that, but I do keep it in mind. So in other words, I won't stay at my grandfather's house for more than an hour when my children are in tow (that's when they get tired of visiting) but if it's just me I'll stay about 2 hours.  I will stay about 2 hours at a friend's house, unless it's my bestie, in which case we will drink tea all day long and order out for dinner!!!

 

I never leave abruptly, though! That Carolina Chocolate Drops song is true: "takin' half an hour to say goodbye." 

 

 

 

 

[Farrar]

Ooh, a Carolina Chocolate Drops reference.  :wub:

 

Not normal where I grew up in the south. I think your friends just have been meeting the weirdos. That, or they're mysteriously doing something to drive them away. Or, you know, just an odd coincidence and they all had other commitments.

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, bless her heart. 

 

 

 

 

Just in general.

[MyThreeSons]

I have noticed a change in recent years, particularly among the younger adults here in the South. (I am a transplant from CA, but my dh grew up here.)

 

It used to be that when we would be invited to someone's house after the morning church service, it was understood that we would be there for the afternoon, and then head back to church for the evening service. We would visit a bit while finishing touches were being put on the afternoon meal, and then we would eat, dishes would be cleared out of the way, the kids would be excused to go play, and the adults would sit around the kitchen table visiting some more, or move to another room to chat. If the weather was nice, we might head outside to visit and watch the kids play, or maybe even join in kicking the soccer ball or shooting baskets or whatever. A dessert would be offered a couple of hours after the meal. Then at the appropriate time, we would drive to church. This whole afternoon experience would last about four hours. 

 

Now, when we're invited, it is much more structured and less "friendly" feeling (for lack of a better word). The meal is served almost immediately upon arrival. And dessert (if offered) is served at the end of the meal. Full dishwashing is begun while guests are still at the table, if they are slow eaters (I am). Once the last bite is eaten, host / hostess says, "Thank you for coming", and we know it's time to leave. 

[kroe1]

Born and raised Southerner here. Southerners do not overstay their welcome, however, moving abruptly for any reason is rarely seen. Goodbyes can drag out as long as the visit. I would ask your friend if she has roaches or mice. Lol.

[Butter]

Not my experience in Texas... or Maryland.  Good-byes last forever in both places.

[purpleowl]

How long is "not long"?

 

Is she inviting them for something in particular (e.g. dinner or board games)?  If it's something like dinner, does she make a point of saying something like, "I know the meal is finished, but we'd love to have you stay and visit a bit longer, if you're able"?  

 

If the invitations are not for meals, is she offering them food/drink?

 

Does she have a newborn, or someone elderly or sickly in the home, whose presence might make people feel like they should be overly careful about not staying too long?

 

Is she the type of person who's likely to miss people's cues (e.g. "Wow, it's getting late"), so perhaps the departures seem abrupt to her but really the people have been trying to make a more graceful exit?

[yucabird]

I'm from the Deep South.  

 

Maybe it is getting too late for the guests?   I was taught never to phone after 8:00 p.m. and to leave (general) gatherings at homes before 10:00 p.m.

 

Are these one-off situations?  Are people returning?  Are the guests reciprocating invitations?  It takes time to form solid friendships.  If other invitations are declined or if no one issues a reciprocal invitation, then that would give me pause.  I might ask if there is something which is making people uncomfortable (alcohol in the home, strong political statements, etc.).  Otherwise I wouldn't sweat it .... Give it time.

 

Being a transplant is never easy. :grouphug:  to your friend.  

 

 

[Danestress]

I don't notice this phenomena so much, but I do think polite people try not to overstay their welcome, and people aren't alway sure what their welcome is. My own mother never stays long after a meal at my house. She wants me to be able to have time to relax and be with my children and husband. It used to hurt my feelings, but now I know she is trying to be thoughtful.

 

I also think people have differing ideas of what a friend is who is close enough not to have to worry about that. It may be that your friend is with people who don't feel at all close enough to take for granted that they are welcome to linger.

[knoxinsox]

We follow our guests to the car and stand there talking to them.     We're pretty talkative/love a good conversation and most of our friends are too.  

 I'm a transplant to the South (SC and TX) and its always a long good-bye. 

[katilac]

Born and raised Southerner here. Southerners do not overstay their welcome, however, moving abruptly for any reason is rarely seen. Goodbyes can drag out as long as the visit. I would ask your friend if she has roaches or mice. Lol.

 

Me as well, and yes, moving abruptly is not our forte, lol. 

 

OP, are these just 'come on by' visits, with no set activity or time frame? If so, and she wants them to stay longer, she needs to make sure to offer them refreshments or have some out. Otherwise, they are likely assuming she does not want them to stay. 

 

It can be as simple as, "I'm going to grab a cold drink, can I get one for you?" 

 

If it's not that, then I have no idea. 

[Aiden]

Southerners do love to linger, and often to linger over goodbyes. However, there are those of us who enjoy lingering, but once we decide it's time to leave, we're gone. My mother's pastor is one such. He stops by often just to visit, sometimes announced, sometimes not. He'll sit around talking for hours, sometimes. Then it's like a switch flips in his head, and he's got to go. Sometimes it will feel very abrupt. He'll have just finished a story, and while we're all still laughing, he says, "Well, time to go, I'll see you next time!" And just like that, he's gone. But he always comes back, and he seems to genuinely enjoy his time at my mom's house, so we don't think much of it.

 

To know if it's a problem or not, I'd need to know much more of the situation: do the guests seem relaxed, comfortable, and happy to be there while they are there? How long are they staying? What's the occasion/type of visit? Have they been invited, or are they just dropping in? (It's not uncommon for an unexpected drop in visit to be short, in case you're busy and too polite to say so.) Do they come back? Are they offered food and drink? (They should be offered refreshments almost immediately, or it's a fairly large breach of Southern hospitality, which they'll notice and respond to. An embarrassed, "Oh, look at me, not even offering you anything to drink! Would you like some tea?" can make up for it, but it still should be rather quick.) So many factors go into it ...

[Pawz4me]

Me as well, and yes, moving abruptly is not our forte, lol. 

 

OP, are these just 'come on by' visits, with no set activity or time frame? If so, and she wants them to stay longer, she needs to make sure to offer them refreshments or have some out. Otherwise, they are likely assuming she does not want them to stay. 

 

It can be as simple as, "I'm going to grab a cold drink, can I get one for you?" 

 

If it's not that, then I have no idea. 

 

I was wondering the same thing.  That's very expected in the south (and something I, a lifelong southerner, am often guilty of forgetting to do!).  If she's not doing that, they may be assuming she doesn't want them to stay very long.

[MyThreeSons]

I might ask if there is something which is making people uncomfortable (alcohol in the home, strong political statements, etc.).  Otherwise I wouldn't sweat it .... Give it time.

 

 

This reminds me of something that happened in our home years ago. We were relatively new to our rather conservative church, and were involved in a small group. We set up a schedule to rotate who would host the meetings. 

 

When it was time for us to host the group, I worked hard to get the house ready, and set up extra seating in our living room. The pastor, who was the group leader, was one of the first to arrive, and he said that he thought we would all be more comfortable in the "other" room, meaning the combined family / dining room area. I was a little confused, because we had always met in others' living rooms, but I went along with it, and this did mean that some could sit at the dining table, which I find easier for note taking than juggling my Bible and notebook on my lap. So we moved chairs and things went fine, I thought. 

 

However, they changed the schedule, and from then on we met at just one family's house. It wasn't until much later (like recently, and this was probably 20 years ago), that I realized what probably happened. My cousin is a professional artist, and my parents had very graciously gifted us with a print of one of her fabulous pieces of art. We had it proudly displayed above the fireplace in our living room. The art included some depictions of female nudes woven into the design. I never gave it a second thought, but looking back, I'm sure our pastor and others were highly offended. This was a Gothard-influenced church, and the study was a follow-up to one of the core seminars. 

[Chris in VA]

This reminds me of something that happened in our home years ago. We were relatively new to our rather conservative church, and were involved in a small group. We set up a schedule to rotate who would host the meetings. 

 

When it was time for us to host the group, I worked hard to get the house ready, and set up extra seating in our living room. The pastor, who was the group leader, was one of the first to arrive, and he said that he thought we would all be more comfortable in the "other" room, meaning the combined family / dining room area. I was a little confused, because we had always met in others' living rooms, but I went along with it, and this did mean that some could sit at the dining table, which I find easier for note taking than juggling my Bible and notebook on my lap. So we moved chairs and things went fine, I thought. 

 

However, they changed the schedule, and from then on we met at just one family's house. It wasn't until much later (like recently, and this was probably 20 years ago), that I realized what probably happened. My cousin is a professional artist, and my parents had very graciously gifted us with a print of one of her fabulous pieces of art. We had it proudly displayed above the fireplace in our living room. The art included some depictions of female nudes woven into the design. I never gave it a second thought, but looking back, I'm sure our pastor and others were highly offended. This was a Gothard-influenced church, and the study was a follow-up to one of the core seminars. 

 

LOL--I can so relate. My bil is an artist and went thru a phase where everything he drew seemed to involve a phallus! He  gave me a hammered metal cross necklace with a stylized naked Jesus--I could further describe it, but the pun would be offensive. I was originally almost offended myself, but then it seemed oddly fitting. But anyway, just thought I'd say I get it!

 

[Guest]

I think you can not generalize.

 

I am Appalachian and I do that. Sit a spell and then leave.

 

I'm sure a dozen Appalachian folks could come up behind me and say they are accustomed to protracted goodbyes. My husband is from the midwest and it takes him about half an hour to get out the door once he says he's leaving.

 

I agree with however said that if you want someone to stay, you offer a drink.

[Guest]

Oh you know what! OTOH, some places don't really have a "sit a spell" local culture. I have friends who think the idea of stopping by someone's place to chat is super weird. For them, if they go somewhere, they stay for a couple hours at least. So they would feel like I left "abruptly" when, to my mind, it's just time to go.

[BlsdMama]

Oh you know what! OTOH, some places don't really have a "sit a spell" local culture. I have friends who think the idea of stopping by someone's place to chat is super weird. For them, if they go somewhere, they stay for a couple hours at least. So they would feel like I left "abruptly" when, to my mind, it's just time to go.

 

Yes. This is what we're talking about.... 

 

You get together for food and talking. Everything is going beautifully, conversation, laughing, light hearted talk and some more serious discussion intermingled.... But what seems to be very short visits and none of the very drawn out good-byes we're used to.  ;)

 

On the one hand, how lovely that you can have folks over and you know it won't be 5-6 hours, for folks you don't know intimately well.    On the other hand, 2 hours would feel quite short, especially without the, "Ugh. We hate to go but we really must."  Then a bit more conversation followed by, "Sigh.  Well, we do have x and we need to get home."  Then talk to the door or the drive and then finally go.  That feels like a proper good-bye, lol.

[Guest]

Yes. This is what we're talking about.... 

 

You get together for food and talking. Everything is going beautifully, conversation, laughing, light hearted talk and some more serious discussion intermingled.... But what seems to be very short visits and none of the very drawn out good-byes we're used to.   ;)

 

On the one hand, how lovely that you can have folks over and you know it won't be 5-6 hours, for folks you don't know intimately well.    On the other hand, 2 hours would feel quite short, especially without the, "Ugh. We hate to go but we really must."  Then a bit more conversation followed by, "Sigh.  Well, we do have x and we need to get home."  Then talk to the door or the drive and then finally go.  That feels like a proper good-bye, lol.

 

Do you visit less often, then? I bet time-wise it all evens out among friendly, visiting folks.

 

But yeah, I don't say I need to go until I need/want to leave. So staying for more conversation after that isn't really an option. With my bye...bye...ok bye...seriously I have to go now...huz I tell HIM  I need to leave in a little while, though.

[BlsdMama]

Do you visit less often, then? I bet time-wise it all evens out among friendly, visiting folks.

 

But yeah, I don't say I need to go until I need/want to leave. So staying for more conversation after that isn't really an option. With my bye...bye...ok bye...seriously I have to go now...huz I tell HIM  I need to leave in a little while, though.

 

I can't answer that... Because we were stationed together waaaay back in 2001 until the end of 2004.  We've lived on opposite ends of the country for a while and now we still live a solid region apart so we don't see one another, but then, yes, it was like above.

 

And, I can't answer for present friends because we *strongly* prefer to have people at our house.  Most folks aren't set up to accomodate an extra 13 people for an impromptu visit and when we do visit anyone other than family, *we* usually have an exit strategy that isn't based on our customs and comfort level, but more on the idea that, will 11 kids, we don't want to risk overstaying a welcome. :)