Teasing

[Lecka]

I also think, this is worth fighting for.  I don't think this is worth fighting for in the sense of not dropping it for the short-term.  

 

But I think it is worth fighting for in the sense of -- not giving up on it, making an effort, and if you pull him, get all teh information you can from the coach and the director.  Find out what problems have happened in all their gory detail.  It is just a snap shot in time, and you can spend time addressing these issues in other ways.  And then he can go back to gymnastics, hopefully with supports. 

 

But this is a really good thing for your son, it sounds like, if he does basically like it.  It is a great venue and opportunity for him.  

 

And if it ends up that you do not want him to go back based on what attitude they have..... then this is extremely valuable information b/c it will help you to plan for next time in another activity.  

 

But it is just one data point, it is just a snapshot in time.  It is not that this is permanent or anything.  But if you don't know where he is, it will be hard to know what to work on, so you need to know.  

 

I have had some really, really bad observation reports (my son is observed periodically by a BCBA, and this is also just something we get on his IEP) and it is really not pleasant to read/hear about it.  But it is what it takes to know what to work on and what is actually happening.  If you do get services, this is what information you will need to take in for them to help your son.  So -- see if you can get it.  You have to start with a baseline, and then you can see improvement.  It is very exciting to see improvement or to see that things are better with supports -- it is worth it, even if the starting point is finding about the baseline in detail. 

 

I am not at all blaming your son or saying they are providing an ideal environment, either.  It is still something I think is very worth trying to find out.  

 

Be aware one of two things may happen.  You hear them blame your son and share a ton of information that is not pleasant to hear.  Try not to get mad, but take it with a grain of salt if you think their own practices have contributed and that other children are at fault, too.  Two, they don't want to tell you much, b/c they have had parents get angry, and they don't want you to tell them off or go around and bad mouth their gym to people.  B/c as parents we do not like to hear this stuff.  This is why there is such a thing as paid observers who go in and talk to people, b/c they do not have the emotional connection to the child like a parent, so they will be neutral and stuff, and not bad mouth the place like a parent.  They might also form an opinion and not recommend the gym ---- but they would not bad mouth like an angry parent.  

 

These are two things that are places people come from, and if you can defuse these things to get information, or if you can just ignore some thing to get information and smooth the way for a possible return or a possibility of getting supports now or later...... then try to keep calm and be gracious but also not agree if they are overly blaming your son.  You can politely or neutrally disagree -- you do not have to go back if you do not like their attitude, but you would rather have the information than not.  That is how I would look at it.  You can be assertive and an advocate for your son and still be very polite.  

 

It is worth making a plan I think -- it helps a lot.  It is not so easy to have these conversations, but I think it is worth it to try, just to have some information to work with.  

 

Edit:  You might also hear a much more minor version of events from them than from your son.  I have had this happen to me with my oldest son.  Then I need to go back and talk to my older son about how maybe he is blowing things out of proportion -- but I have to trust his teacher in order to do that.  I can't do that if I do not have trust.  

 

 

 

 

[Lecka]

I have a strong opinion partly from witnessing things similar to this happen with my cousin (vaguely similar) and every time my aunt and uncle would blame other kids, the teacher, etc, etc, etc, and just move on to the next thing, and nothing every changed.  

 

So I have to be in favor of looking at skill-building and supports.  And trying to choose things that are realistic.  

 

But I also think, it is great they always took my cousin's side.  That was good of them.  

 

I do not think it is good to blame children, either, but I think that a bit of nuance is useful.  

 

I also think this is just hard, and that it is what it is.  But I have to think that it is worth it to make an effort and try and hope that it will be better with trying than without.  

[texasmama]

My feedback has changed somewhat based on the most recent ignoring incident.  This crosses a line into bullying.

 

At age 11, your ds is right at the edge of going from the little kid need for accommodation into the teen need to acclimate.  Roleplaying can be really helpful.  "What's up, Dawg?" types of interaction role plays, and those including other teenspeak after talking to some NT teens and getting information about the latest lingo, since it changes so often, can be helpful.  He needs to know the language and have experience with hearing it in order to be prepared for these interactions and be able to participate in them.  

 

At age 13, my son was targeted by a kid on his bball team for verbal and physical bullying.  The first approach we took was to shore up ds, give him skills at self-advocacy, and let him try to handle it himself.  We also asked him what approach he wanted to take, and he said he wanted to try and manage it himself, and at 13, he got to decide that. (This is my ASD son, btw.)  My son is very nonconfrontational outside of our home so this was a case of a strong kid picking on him because he was an easy target.  The bullying continued and became more physical, so we stepped in.  This was made easier by the fact that my dh is the coach of the team, and it is a small team.  We are close with all of the parents.  We involved the parents, and my dh and the other coach spoke with him strongly on two separate occasions, finally threatening his spot on the team if he continued.  This stopped it and was a good opportunity for growth and learning for both boys.  They had a great year on the same team together last year.

 

I do think that mamas and female therapists can often misunderstand the world of preteen/teen boys and give advice that is more suited to female interactions.  It was very hard for me as a mama to let the situation with my son ride, but I did know that if we stepped in prematurely, it would disempower him.  

 

In this case, I think adult intervention is needed.  I do think this is worth fighting for, as Lecka said.  Much of this is very "typical", but it is not appropriate and kids this age can become Lord of the Flies without appropriate amounts of adult guidance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lecka]

Wow, very inspiring, Texasmama. That is a great outcome for your son!  I am glad to hear how you guys handled it.  

[Lecka]

Wow, very inspiring, Texasmama. That is a great outcome for your son!  I am glad to hear how you guys handled it.  

[Lecka]

Wow, very inspiring, Texasmama. That is a great outcome for your son!  I am glad to hear how you guys handled it.  

[Storygirl]

Lecka, thank you for all of that. It definitely gives us some new ideas about how to approach the conversation that we need to have. I think I will have DH read your ideas before he talks to the coach on the phone. Maybe on the phone he should just tell the coach what happened and say that we'd like to schedule a meeting to go over things more fully. That way DH and I can both contribute to the conversation in person. I think involving the owner would probably be a good idea -- the owner used to coach the boys' team himself, so he may be able to give the current coach some ideas about providing more structure and support.

 

I can see that they might want to talk about DS's behavior and how he may not be fitting in as well as they'd like, because that is the response I got the first time I brought this up. I agree that DS may very well be contributing to the problem. During that initial conversation, I appreciated hearing about some of the issues, explained some things about DS, and said that we would work on helping him understand appropriate behaviors. The coach did say that if one particular adversary were involved, he would be willing to sit that boy down and explain that DS needed some extra understanding because of his disability (I didn't say that we wanted that at that point). I guess it is notable that the coach offered to kind of explain DS to the other boy, but he did not say that he would tell the other boy that his behavior was inappropriate. I sensed that he thought DS was bringing it on himself.

 

Maybe I should have them write something up for the anecdotal reports I plan to turn into the school when we go through the IEP process. Or I can write up some notes from our meeting and ask them to read and sign them.

 

 

[texasmama]

Wow, very inspiring, Texasmama. That is a great outcome for your son!  I am glad to hear how you guys handled it.  

Thank you!

 

It was very difficult and played out over several months, but I reminded my dh that there were two boys at stake here, and that the kid who was bullying needed to learn some things, as well.  The kid who was bullying learned to take his strong personality and be an encouraging leader on the court, and my son learned that we believe in him and support him handling his own affairs but are ready to step in when needed/wanted.  I call it a win/win.

[Storygirl]

Thank you, texasmama, for sharing your son's story. It's good to see that these things can be worked out sometimes, even if it takes purposeful intervention. In the beginning I thought that we might be able to kind of coach DS through how to operate in this group, but I think it is obvious now that he needs adults to help him. Hopefully the coach will be willing to step up when we bring this to his attention for the second time.

[Storygirl]

Thank you!

 

It was very difficult and played out over several months, but I reminded my dh that there were two boys at stake here, and that the kid who was bullying needed to learn some things, as well.  The kid who was bullying learned to take his strong personality and be an encouraging leader on the court, and my son learned that we believe in him and support him handling his own affairs but are ready to step in when needed/wanted.  I call it a win/win.

 

This is really an excellent perspective. We will try to bring this idea into our own problem.

[texasmama]

My perspective in general is that most kids (and people) are well-intentioned but sometimes in need of guidance, help, feedback, etc.  I'm not sure why we would expect a group of kids to self-govern and it NOT turn out all Lord of the Flies.   These are young men in the making, and that takes some experienced men modeling, guiding and speaking positive things into their character.  Also, I think that men are in general more likely to have a "boys will be boys" perspective or to think they just need to let them work it out themselves because that was their own experience.  My dh had some Lord of the Flies experiences in his growing up years that were decidedly missing from mine.  Because my mama got involved when things went south for me in elementary and middle school.  Dh had no such advocate.

[FairProspects]

My feedback has changed somewhat based on the most recent ignoring incident.  This crosses a line into bullying.

 

At age 11, your ds is right at the edge of going from the little kid need for accommodation into the teen need to acclimate.  Roleplaying can be really helpful.  "What's up, Dawg?" types of interaction role plays, and those including other teenspeak after talking to some NT teens and getting information about the latest lingo, since it changes so often, can be helpful.  He needs to know the language and have experience with hearing it in order to be prepared for these interactions and be able to participate in them.  

 

At age 13, my son was targeted by a kid on his bball team for verbal and physical bullying.  The first approach we took was to shore up ds, give him skills at self-advocacy, and let him try to handle it himself.  We also asked him what approach he wanted to take, and he said he wanted to try and manage it himself, and at 13, he got to decide that. (This is my ASD son, btw.)  My son is very nonconfrontational outside of our home so this was a case of a strong kid picking on him because he was an easy target.  The bullying continued and became more physical, so we stepped in.  The was made easier by the fact that my dh is the coach of the team, and it is a small team.  We are close with all of the parents.  We involved the parents, and my dh and the other coach spoke with him strongly on two separate occasions, finally threatening his spot on the team if he continued.  This stopped it and was a good opportunity for growth and learning for both boys.  They had a great year on the same team together last year.

 

I do think that mamas and female therapists can often misunderstand the world of preteen/teen boys and give advice that is more suited to female interactions.  It was very hard for me as a mama to let the situation with my son ride, but I did know that if we stepped in prematurely, it would disempower him.  

 

In this case, I think adult intervention is needed.  I do think this is worth fighting for, as Lecka said.  Much of this is very "typical", but it is not appropriate and kids this age can become Lord of the Flies without appropriate amounts of adult guidance.

 

Yes, this is exactly what I was trying to get across yesterday, but TexasMama said it so much better and from a place of wisdom with experience. :) That transition is right where our ds' are living and struggling at this age.

 

[kbutton]

Thank you!

 

It was very difficult and played out over several months, but I reminded my dh that there were two boys at stake here, and that the kid who was bullying needed to learn some things, as well.  The kid who was bullying learned to take his strong personality and be an encouraging leader on the court, and my son learned that we believe in him and support him handling his own affairs but are ready to step in when needed/wanted.  I call it a win/win.

 

If more people thought this way, it would really carry over into the workplace. I had mostly good experiences when I worked (software development environment--pretty laid back), but the few that weren't good were often because of bullying sorts of attitudes (not necessarily aimed at me, but it's not fun to observe either). 

[PeterPan]

Story, it's time to get the director in the conversation.  If your dh is going in, that's who it's time to talk to.  I know Lecka said it, but I just wanted to say it again for emphasis.  :)

 

If the director isn't motivated to get her coach in order by a potential loss of customers, then something is wrong with their program.  It's the director's job to solve this.  It should not require constant man-handling by your dh to get that oblivious coach to do what is right.  It's not on his radar and only the power of a boss and his paycheck will put it on there.  

 

PS.  Look into your local YMCA.  They may have a competitive program for boys.  Ours is much more able to work with special situations and they're focused on character and things that matter to us even more than winning.

[MomatHWTK]

Yeah, I kind of got the "not going to do the right thing" vibe when your initial post said the coach was pointing out all the ways your son was causing the problem.  Yes, we need to know our children's weaknesses but there are ways to say it that sound cooperative and ways that sound blame making.  KWIM? 

[Lecka]

I have this idea, that you see how you are coming across a little, by the reaction you get.  It is partly what the other person would do anyway, but it is also partly about their reaction to you.

 

If you get a reaction where they are more critical of your son, I think you can think "whew, I am not coming across like I won't hear anything like that," and then you can feel like you can do more to stand up for your son and possibly challenge or re-frame what the other person says, in light of his challenges and things you are working on.  You don't have to just sit and agree to everything.  

 

But on the other hand, if they seem like they are not wanting to tell you anything, either you are coming across hard, or else they have been burned in the past.  

 

I have a lot of experiences where I feel like it is the second.  I feel like I have things presented to me just with a goal of me not either crying or screaming.  There is also a big vein of "we don't want to make it come across like the whole day was bad just b/c of one or two little (aka big) things."  They do not want to be the stereotypical person that parents don't like b/c "every time I talk to them it is just a litany of problems."  

 

I appreciate it, but it is hard when I feel like there is a small lack of communication sometimes.  

 

This is not a big deal, but I get a strong sense I have to be very accepting of information and not put out a "I will cry" or a "I will be overly upset" vibe.  I am coming across as a crier I am sure, not a screamer.

 

But anyway ------ if they are putting things on your son's feet, you can put things on their feet, too.  That is part of being an advocate.  I can't say I have done this in a situation where I did not get a good response, but I have honestly only been involved in things where I have pre-screened and know they want to be helpful.  Which I do not think is the best -- but my son is 6 and he is still required to have an aide in school, so that is the situation we are in.  I know people who have older kids who have had things work out.  And then some times they don't work out.  But sometimes they do, and it didn't seem like they would at first.  

 

So I agree, but I don't think it means that the conversation is over and they are already determined not to be helpful.  They could still be helpful.  They could still be unhelpful.  They could have a good intention and try some things, and it could still not work out.  They could say they will do things and then not follow through.

 

But one conversation going that way ----- it is not the sign that they will not be helpful, yet.  It is still at a point where it sounds like it is worth fighting for.  If this was a nothing activity, then it would not be worth the trouble.  But this is an activity that has a lot of potential, and if he doesn't like trying new things, then there is a lot of benefit in keeping him in something he is already doing.    

[Storygirl]

Good thoughts, Lecka! I think that when the first conversation turned to negatives about my son (said nicely, but still), I just listened and didn't turn it back around and say, "I can see that DS can be part of the problem, but let's talk about the whole picture now. He is not the only one involved in this, and the solution needs to include everyone, so that all parts of it are addressed."

 

I think the fact that I listened willingly the first time and said that I would work with DS on the issues at home might actually have set a good tone for this next meeting, because I didn't come across as angry or defensive or even upset. I just listened. Where I need to step up is in the advocating bit of it, because I tend to want to be nonconfrontational, and so does DH. I think the two of us need to make a list of talking points before we go in, to make sure that we end up expressing all of our thoughts and not just sit there listening to the coach's point of view. That's one of the reasons that I think we need to go to the meeting together. I'm more likely to speak my mind if I know someone else in the room agrees with me.

 

DH and the coach played phone tag yesterday. When he manages to talk to the coach on the phone today, DH is going to explain briefly what happened this time but say that we want to schedule a meeting so that we can all discuss it together. The gym is having a break next week, so it will be either a good time to get this figured out before classes start again, or it could be extra hard to schedule a meeting if the coach is going to be out of town.

[Lecka]

The book From Emotions to Advocacy can be good.  I read it and came away thinking things would be more difficult and confrontational than they have been for me.  But I got a lot out of it still.  It is in our library.  

 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

Good thoughts, Lecka! I think that when the first conversation turned to negatives about my son (said nicely, but still), I just listened and didn't turn it back around and say, "I can see that DS can be part of the problem, but let's talk about the whole picture now. He is not the only one involved in this, and the solution needs to include everyone, so that all parts of it are addressed."

 

I think the fact that I listened willingly the first time and said that I would work with DS on the issues at home might actually have set a good tone for this next meeting, because I didn't come across as angry or defensive or even upset. I just listened. Where I need to step up is in the advocating bit of it, because I tend to want to be nonconfrontational, and so does DH. I think the two of us need to make a list of talking points before we go in, to make sure that we end up expressing all of our thoughts and not just sit there listening to the coach's point of view. That's one of the reasons that I think we need to go to the meeting together. I'm more likely to speak my mind if I know someone else in the room agrees with me.

 

DH and the coach played phone tag yesterday. When he manages to talk to the coach on the phone today, DH is going to explain briefly what happened this time but say that we want to schedule a meeting so that we can all discuss it together. The gym is having a break next week, so it will be either a good time to get this figured out before classes start again, or it could be extra hard to schedule a meeting if the coach is going to be out of town.

I think you are right.  Good luck!

[texasmama]

Storygirl, you are clearly someone who understands the nuances involved with these interactions so I wish you and dh (and your son) all the best as you navigate this situation.  There is always something to be learned for our kids in any situation, IMO.

[Garga]

Part 1:

My dh and I have well-developed senses of humor.  We see humor in everything and we do some very gentle teasing of the kids.  But sometimes our kids would react as if we were serious and get upset: angry or hurt.  It was really frustrating to my dh and me.  We want our kids to be able to handle gentle teasing without being sticks in the mud.

 

Part 2:

Over this summer, I've been letting my almost 13 year old and 10 year old watch a bunch of kid sitcoms.  They are on Netflix and are things like this:

 

Some Assembly Required

Mighty Med

Lab Rats.

 

These shows are about pre-teens and teens, and pretty much every single line of dialog is a one-liner or a set up to a one-liner.  It's non-stop dorky kid jokes for the whole episode.

 

Finale:  Ever since my sons have watched these shows and seen how the kids gently joke with each other or tease each other, they've stopped being so super-sensitive to normal, gentle teasing.  They get it now.  They understand that picking on each other in a kind way is a sign of friendship, and being able to take a joke is a good thing. 

 

Our household has gotten so much more peaceful over the past few weeks.

 

 

Now--for your situation--the way the boys have zeroed in on your guy and refused to talk to him--that's a whole new level of "teasing."  That's bullying.  You'll have to have the instructors helping you deal with that side of it, but in the meanwhile, maybe you can let your son watch a few of these shows so he sees that teasing is ok if it's done the right way (not bullying.)  

 

You don't even have to tell him that's why you're watching them.  I certainly never expected for my sons' behavior to improve after watching these silly kids' shows.  Maybe it will help your son.

[MomatHWTK]

Good point about the TV shows.  I don't care for all the tween Disney offerings, but as the kids get older I am letting them view more age "normal" pop TV.  Johnny Test, Phineas and Ferb, etc. 

 

 

[Storygirl]

Thanks for the show suggestions, Garga! My kids are into those tween shows right now, so that is a good idea. I'll check them out.

[LaughingCat]

I know the thread has gone past this -- but it seems weird to me that the only option the instructor gave was that he would explain to one of the other boys about OP's son's issues.   To me, that seems like an inexperienced coach talking --  there seem to be a myriad of other options that involve the coach doing something  rather than putting the onus on the other child understanding and being able to change their behavior.  (Note: the later behavior of not talking to OP DS -- that would not be the child I would expect to understand and react appropriately to more information about OP DS either).

 

Based on this I think Lecka's advice on coming up with some specific actions you want the coach to take would be pretty important before your conference with him.
.

[Terabith]

I wonder if the coach did talk to this boy and if the "not talking to ds" was a response to what the coach said.  Maybe something like, "Doesn't really understand, etc," and the boy decided the simplest thing to avoid getting into trouble was to not talk to him.  There sounds like there is some targeting, but I am really wondering what brought it on.   If originally it was just the same kind of kid teasing but after the "talk" escalated.

[Storygirl]

I wonder if the coach did talk to this boy and if the "not talking to ds" was a response to what the coach said.  Maybe something like, "Doesn't really understand, etc," and the boy decided the simplest thing to avoid getting into trouble was to not talk to him.  There sounds like there is some targeting, but I am really wondering what brought it on.   If originally it was just the same kind of kid teasing but after the "talk" escalated.

 

I can see how that might happen. But it didn't, because we never told the coach which boy has been causing the problem.

[Storygirl]

So after several rounds of phone tag over the past few days, we have a meeting set up for this evening at 6 with the coach and the gym owner. I reread this thread and made some notes that I will take into the meeting with me.

 

I think if the conversation turns toward blaming DS I now have a list of suggestions for how they can provide some structure that will help him. So I can say, "Thank you for sharing that. We want to know about any problems that come up, so that we can address them at home. Here are some things that YOU can do at the gym that we think will help." I have a list of suggestions in my notes to go over verbally, and at the end of the meeting I plan to follow up with an email, so that they have some written ideas and a record of what we discussed.

 

DH will be at the meeting, but I tend to be the talker, so I'm thinking through what to say.

 

I am so non-confrontational that these kind of things are hard for me. I'm anxious about the meeting, but I feel more prepared due to the help that you have all given. Thank you so much! I'll let you know how it goes.

[sweetpea3829]

I did a fair bit of skimming and didn't read ALL of every post but...

 

OP...have you considered inviting some of these boys over to your home?  I mean...there's an age difference but it's not a significant age difference, right?  I think I saw that there was a specific boy that was the primary instigator, yes?  Can you invite him, and perhaps one other boy over to hang out?  

 

This would give you an opportunity to observe a bit more closely how they are interacting.  It may also cultivate a deeper comradeship between your son and the instigator (and the "third-wheel" boy...lol).  Or...does your son have a good guy friend?  If so, you could invite the established friend and the instigator to your home...or to a park...or to the roller skating rink (omw, do roller skating rinks still exist???).  Ideally, you want to have a situation where you can observe them interact while stemming the likelihood that targeted teasing is going to occur.  Can you befriend the instigator's parents, perhaps?  

 

We have only dealt with minor bullying and teasing...and my oldest boy is only 8 so I really have little experience with this but....I have noticed that kids in groups tend to tease and bully more readily and voraciously than when the kids are isolated or only in pairs or threes.

 

For example...my (NT) 8 yr old was being picked on by a child at our neighborhood splash pad.  When he told me about it, I encouraged him to see if he could make friends with the boy.  Twenty minutes later, they were chumming around like they'd always been pals.  

 

Last week, however...my son came to me again and informed me a GROUP of children were picking on him.  The "instigator", believe it or not, was a slightly older girl.  And her "minions" were three boys that were slightly younger than her but around the same age as my son.  The four of them fed off each other, and especially, the younger boys seemed to take all of their cues from the older girl.  I again encouraged him to see if he could make friends but although the boys seemed interested, their "instigator" quickly nicked any attempts and would not allow it, instead encouraging further teasing.  

 

At that point, I was closely watching from the sidelines.  When I could see that they were not leaving him alone, regardless of his approach, I stepped into the splash pad area, spoke to a lifeguard and, with her clearly seeing me, pointed out the instigator.  The bullying immediately stopped.  

 

 

The problem with speaking to a coach, if the coach does not make an effort to understand why the teasing is upsetting your son, and continues to see your son's reaction as a problem...the problem will only get worse.  Sure, the coach and talk to the other kids and inform them that your son has difficulty reading social cues, etc etc., but the likelihood of them responding appropriately and maturely is slim.  Likely, they will continue the teasing behind the coach's back...and possibly amp it up.  

 

In my opinion, given your son's difficulty in recognizing the difference between jocular teasing and bullying...the COACH should put an end to all of it...period.  And it should be done in a manner that preserves your son's dignity and encourages respect among each other.  

 

Yes, I understand that boys tease each other...etc etc.  But I don't think it HAS to be that way, and teaching them respect means teaching them to recognize when somebody really doesn't appreciate such teasing.  

 

 

One more thing to throw out...DS had a bully on his baseball team last year.  I invited the entire team over for an ice cream social...parents, kids, siblings.  The bully and his family did not come...but DS developed stronger friendships with the kids that did come and that helped stem some of the bullying because it took power away from him.  It's not as fun to target a group of kids.  

 

Good luck with however you choose to handle this.  This aspect of raising kiddos is such a sticky one...whether we are talking about NT kids or not.  

[Storygirl]

Thanks, Sweetpea! I think that doing something social outside of class is an interesting idea, but it would have to be the whole team. The other boy involved is going to be a sophomore this year, and DS is only going into fifth grade, so I don't think anything planned for just the two of them would work. I do think it would be good if I had the chance to see the kids in action.

 

The talk with the coach and the owner went well, I think. They did say that the kids on the team have always gotten along very well up till now and they haven't witnessed any mean behavior themselves. I pointed out that DS asked us to intervene by talking to the coaches, and that he wouldn't have asked for help if there was no problem. We talked things over for about an hour. They were willing to listen and agreed that things needed to be addressed now -- that even if DS was only perceiving things incorrectly that they didn't want bad feelings to happen. They are going to talk to the older boy, not to accuse him of wrongdoing, but to ask him to help them out by setting a good tone and being sensitive to DS, who may not always understand the kind of joking that they do. I think that it's a good start, and we'll see if the boys respond well or not. The coaches say they've known the older boy for years and feel he will step up and that it is a good chance for him to understand that he should be a positive leader. There is a second older boy who is really considered the leader among the boys (in a good way), and we suggested that they talk to him, too, so that both older boys can be conscious of avoiding a mean tone. We also talked quite a bit about DS's difficulty with social cues and how the coaches could understand him and work with him, and they were very open and interested in talking about this.

 

At the end, DS came in the room, and the coach told him that he realizes DS has been feeling troubled about these things, and that DS should always feel comfortable coming to the coach or the owner for help, because the coach needs to know what is happening to be able to help with it. So if anything comes up, DS should tell the coach that he needs help. Coach said, "Sometimes I might talk it over with you. Sometimes I might decide to call the other boy over to talk to you about it together. Sometimes we might decide that you boys need some time apart, and I can have you work in different parts of the gym. What we do about it might be different each time, but I want you to understand that I want to know about these things, so that I can help." DS just nodded and listened.

 

It was all very calm and pleasant in tone. We covered a lot of things, and I'm hopeful that we can work together to smooth things out. DS definitely needs to work on some things, as well, which we acknowledged. We're hopeful that there is potential for things to improve.

 

 

[texasmama]

That sounds like a good outcome to the meeting.  I think the idea of trying to get the group of boys to self-correct by steering one or two of the rudders of the group gently is a great one.  It empowers everyone involved.  This is a situation in which the solution will likely come from many sides - work on ds and his interactions/perceptions and work on the other boys to be kind and positive leaders.

[PeterPan]

I'm so glad you were able to get some open discussion!  It will be good growth for everyone.  Some things are worth fighting for like that, even if they are crunchy along the way.  And it's GOOD for those boys to be confronted and good for you to get this change to stretch on how you advocate and good for the coach to get reminded of priorities.  It's good for everyone.  And if they don't get it under control, at least you know you tried.  But for now, it's all good.  

[Storygirl]

DS came home from his practice today and said that the older boy was nice to him today. He didn't tease DS, and he even told another young boy to do some extra sit ups when that boy teased DS. :thumbup1:

 

Hopefully things will continue to go well. Thanks again to everyone for your input.

[texasmama]

Fabulous.  :)

[MomatHWTK]

What a fabulous turn around! I hope things continue to go well.  :)