jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Thank you, everybody! All of your replies were thoughtful and helpful in one fashion or another. :001_smile: I only feel the need to delete because it involves some personal info about ds. I will carefully weigh it all out and speak with everyone involved. It is actually nice to know that the decision would be difficult for others too, and it's not just me missing the obvious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Just a few thoughts - from a pure academic standpoint, his scores seem to show that homeschooling is working for him even if he doesn't want to do the work. Do they think that he gets his way a lot at home? (Just asking because of the "the world will not bend to his will" comment.) 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Just a few thoughts - from a pure academic standpoint, his scores seem to show that homeschooling is working for him even if he doesn't want to do the work. Do they think that he gets his way a lot at home? (Just asking because of the "the world will not bend to his will" comment.) They know that he is choosing more and more extreme behaviors because he does not get his way. He won't back down despite his med/therapy interventions. They believe that school will provide more structure than a home setting is capable of providing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 This is super tough. Some of those programs are wonderful and can really help turn kids around. Others are not as good. So much depends on the teachers, other kids, structure, etc. No real advice but I understand. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 This is super tough. Some of those programs are wonderful and can really help turn kids around. Others are not as good. So much depends on the teachers, other kids, structure, etc. No real advice but I understand. That is my fear. I won't know which this one is until it's too late. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 They know that he is choosing more and more extreme behaviors because he does not get his way. He won't back down despite his med/therapy interventions. They believe that school will provide more structure than a home setting is capable of providing. What will the school do in response to more and more extreme behaviors, since he's already told you that he will do this with them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 What will the school do in response to more and more extreme behaviors, since he's already told you that he will do this with them? That is one of my questions for the school. I have been compiling a list. What I do know is that they will call the police if he gets physical. If he doesn't do the work, he will get bad grades. But what do they care? KWIM? I will care and I will still have to try to get him to do the work but with less of the authority in the moment or the control. The psychiatrist thinks that he is more talk than bite and will fall in line in a more formal setting. I just don't know if I believe that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellen Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Can you test his behavior in a different setting this summer? If the psychiatrist thinks more structure will help, then test out the theory in a sport. Parts of your post remind me a bit of my daughter. She hates most activities because they tell her what to do. What if you put your son in a martial art or something very structured for a few months? If he does well, then maybe school could be an option. If he does terrible, you have extra data to take to the psychiatrist on why homeschool is better. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Can you test his behavior in a different setting this summer? If the psychiatrist thinks more structure will help, then test out the theory in a sport. Parts of your post remind me a bit of my daughter. She hates most activities because they tell her what to do. What if you put your son in a martial art or something very structured for a few months? If he does well, then maybe school could be an option. If he does terrible, you have extra data to take to the psychiatrist on why homeschool is better. This is a good point. He has done several soccer seasons, and is in awana in church. After a honey-moon type phase, he has acted up in both settings. In fact it was in sunday school/church that he poked and pinched a boy literally twice his weight and 3 yrs older than him til the boy blew up and ran out of the room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 I know that the decision is ultimately mine. I am uncomfortable doing what they suggest and I am uncomfortable ignoring professional advice. Sigh. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 The pushback I received from our professionals was that I couldn't do it all and be all things to all children. I think "structure" is secret code for I was going too easy on him. And at the time of the discussion is was pretty clear that I was breaking under the pressure. So, I got myself a therapist and did some medication adjustments for he and I. Asked pointed questions about what services he would get in school and talked to friends who had kids in school and former teachers. Given that new information, I adjusted my conversations with DS' therapist. I would come in with specific goals we were working toward and asked for specific tips on how to address behavior issues. I also did some of my own research to learn how to deal with behavior issues in a way that brought progress. The bottom line was that if I wanted change, I would have to push DS to make change and it is HARD to push an child who rocks your whole house when you do. Now we take things one step at a time. I set a goal, I work toward that goal and do little pushes. I will point out that it is important, regardless of what you choose to do, that you are mindful of the effect on your other child. Being the sibling of a SN child has its own challenges (I was that sibling growing up). Regardless of what you choose, it is a tough line to walk. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw4321 Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I have absolutely no personal experience with this, but I have a friend who has a son with similar issues. She has chosen the ps/alternative school route. Her son has ended up in the hospital (threat to harm others and himself). Her son is doing very poorly academically. There are a lot of issues involved with him that may not relate (he's adopted, he is a different race as his parents/siblings, there was some drug abuse when he was in utero). I'm not trying to scare you, but I can say that from the outside looking in, alternative school did not help him. He was extremely difficult, and probably would remain extremely difficult regardless. But i think that he wouldn't have learned some of the destructive behaviors he did without going to the alternative school. I get the issue with the other siblings. I would suggest trying to find some activity (or even just paid babysitting help) to give you and her a break from him at least once a week. It would allow you time to focus on her and give you both a break. ::hugs:: It's very very hard to stand up to professional advice. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 The pushback I received from our professionals was that I couldn't do it all and be all things to all children. I think "structure" is secret code for I was going too easy on him. And at the time of the discussion is was pretty clear that I was breaking under the pressure. So, I got myself a therapist and did some medication adjustments for he and I. Asked pointed questions about what services he would get in school and talked to friends who had kids in school and former teachers. Given that new information, I adjusted my conversations with DS' therapist. I would come in with specific goals we were working toward and asked for specific tips on how to address behavior issues. I also did some of my own research to learn how to deal with behavior issues in a way that brought progress. The bottom line was that if I wanted change, I would have to push DS to make change and it is HARD to push an child who rocks your whole house when you do. Now we take things one step at a time. I set a goal, I work toward that goal and do little pushes. I will point out that it is important, regardless of what you choose to do, that you are mindful of the effect on your other child. Being the sibling of a SN child has its own challenges (I was that sibling growing up). Regardless of what you choose, it is a tough line to walk. Thank you very much. I can see a lot to work with in your post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Two very differing thoughts (neither of which may help, but I thought I'd toss them out anyway) First, extreme behaviors in our district result in the child being removed from the learning environment. Is this going to teach him that acting out will not get him what he wants? He is going to act up, no matter where he is. Where do you foresee his tantrums being handled best? Second, it is okay to make a decision for today, but give yourself the grace to revisit it at a later date. You are still in control after making your choice, even if you don't feel like it. It is okay to tell him that he is enrolled for a semester (or home for 6months, or whatever) and that you will be speaking with his professional team to determine if continued enrollment is in his best interest. If you let him know that it is not based on grades or behavior or his wishes, but on what is determined to be best for him long term, then you can honestly repeat over and over "your outbursts don't impact this decision" when his behaviors get bad. He won't like it, and will still act out, but you are in control of the timing of when the choice is revisited. ((Hugs)) I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 I have absolutely no personal experience with this, but I have a friend who has a son with similar issues. She has chosen the ps/alternative school route. Her son has ended up in the hospital (threat to harm others and himself). Her son is doing very poorly academically. There are a lot of issues involved with him that may not relate (he's adopted, he is a different race as his parents/siblings, there was some drug abuse when he was in utero). I'm not trying to scare you, but I can say that from the outside looking in, alternative school did not help him. He was extremely difficult, and probably would remain extremely difficult regardless. But i think that he wouldn't have learned some of the destructive behaviors he did without going to the alternative school. I get the issue with the other siblings. I would suggest trying to find some activity (or even just paid babysitting help) to give you and her a break from him at least once a week. It would allow you time to focus on her and give you both a break. ::hugs:: It's very very hard to stand up to professional advice. Thank you for sharing this with me. This will help me put my questions/scenarios into form when I talk to everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Two very differing thoughts (neither of which may help, but I thought I'd toss them out anyway) First, extreme behaviors in our district result in the child being removed from the learning environment. Is this going to teach him that acting out will not get him what he wants? He is going to act up, no matter where he is. Where do you foresee his tantrums being handled best? Second, it is okay to make a decision for today, but give yourself the grace to revisit it at a later date. You are still in control after making your choice, even if you don't feel like it. It is okay to tell him that he is enrolled for a semester (or home for 6months, or whatever) and that you will be speaking with his professional team to determine if continued enrollment is in his best interest. If you let him know that it is not based on grades or behavior or his wishes, but on what is determined to be best for him long term, then you can honestly repeat over and over "your outbursts don't impact this decision" when his behaviors get bad. He won't like it, and will still act out, but you are in control of the timing of when the choice is revisited. ((Hugs)) I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Thank you. This is quite helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 (((Hugs))) BTDT with Punk a couple years ago. The OT was strongly suggesting PS and we seriously considered it. At the end of the day we decided to keep him home for many reasons including that we did not feel the school system would be able to provide the same level of accommodation as I could at home, we knew this child would be bully bait, and we did not believe the system's penalization structure would extinguish the problem behaviors. We are still a few years from launching this one into adulthood, so I don't know if I will consider it the right move a decade from now. What I do know is that he is progressing as well or better than we anticipated several years ago. It will never be a walk in the park parenting a child with intense needs. And you will never be totally past the questioning. (Human nature bites sometimes.) At the end of the day you have to do what is right for the entire family. You shouldn't sacrifice everyone else to his needs or vis versa. So, for all it may be worth, here is my two cents: Can you find a way to balance the intensity of parenting a SN child with caring for yourself and DD? What is your mommy intuition about this? Have you asked the professionals what changes you could make at home to create more sucess for him? Have you satisfied yourself with what the school is actually able to deliver? If you've answer all of the above questions for yourself then you are positioned to make the best choice you can. Don't drive yourself insane trying to find the perfect choice. There is no such thing. Look at the pros and cons and go with what makes you feel most comfortable. You are right that you have his best interests in mind. Your decision will reflect that. Even if the professionals would have made a different choice. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 (((Hugs))) BTDT with Punk a couple years ago. The OT was strongly suggesting PS and we seriously considered it. At the end of the day we decided to keep him home for many reasons including that we did not feel the school system would be able to provide the same level of accommodation as I could at home, we knew this child would be bully bait, and we did not believe the system's penalization structure would extinguish the problem behaviors. We are still a few years from launching this one into adulthood, so I don't know if I will consider it the right move a decade from now. What I do know is that he is progressing as well or better than we anticipated several years ago. It will never be a walk in the park parenting a child with intense needs. And you will never be totally past the questioning. (Human nature bites sometimes.) At the end of the day you have to do what is right for the entire family. You shouldn't sacrifice everyone else to his needs or vis versa. So, for all it may be worth, here is my two cents: Can you find a way to balance the intensity of parenting a SN child with caring for yourself and DD? What is your mommy intuition about this? Have you asked the professionals what changes you could make at home to create more sucess for him? Have you satisfied yourself with what the school is actually able to deliver? If you've answer all of the above questions for yourself then you are positioned to make the best choice you can. Don't drive yourself insane trying to find the perfect choice. There is no such thing. Look at the pros and cons and go with what makes you feel most comfortable. You are right that you have his best interests in mind. Your decision will reflect that. Even if the professionals would have made a different choice. Thank you. This helps to hone my thinking and questioning. Everyone has been so gracious. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grantmom Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 You said he came to you in 2nd grade. Does he have a diagnosis like reactive attachment disorder or anything else like that? What you said in your number 3 reason is a big part of why I homeschool too, and I tend to think that professionals who don't have experience with homeschooling or that aren't comfortable with it, may feel like it can't be enough if the child is not motivated. However, I almost feel like the parent who is willing to do what you are doing, is better positioned to deal with that. You know your child better than any professional or teacher, and you are the one around him all the time, for many, many more hours than any of the professionals are. Also, 11 is still such a little, little boy. He has so much maturation and development ahead of him. I think I am kind of siding with you about the peer groups and environment factor. Who can best guide that development and maturation, and who do you want him to emulate and get that from? Does it help if he stays busy? The idea above about martial arts, for example, maybe something like that, that could give him something to work towards. Can he begin to imagine what his life will be like in the future? Can you sit down with him and involve him in his homeschooling plans? What do you want to do? What do you want to learn? What kind of life would you like to be living when you are an adult? All in a very age-appropriate way, of course, because I don't think he needs to map out his whole life at age 11. But even if his answer is "I want to be a firefighter" or "I want to be the president" or I want to be a famous basketball player" etc, then sit down and say, okay, we can make goals and plans to reach those goals. I almost feel like there needs to be a balance when it comes to "not bending". I sort of think to say that kids need to realize the world won't bend to them is unrealistic. In the absence of a mental delay or disorder, an 11 year old already knows the world is not going to bend to him. He gets dragged to the grocery store, he has to brush his teeth, he has to wear pants, he has to do this and that, it's pretty much non-stop, all day when you think about it. So, for a bright child to exert some will when it comes to how he spends a hug part of his day (homeschooling vs public school), I actually don't think is that unreasonable. Also, is it possible he has anxiety about leaving you and going to public school? It sounds like he is trying to threaten you, by saying he will act out, etc if you send him to public school. Is it possible that is his way of grasping at straws because he is scared of that possibility? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I read this book, which I found on the new arrivals shelf in my library. http://www.amazon.com/The-Nurture-Effect-Science-Behavior/dp/1608829553 One of the points, which is well researched/supported, was that at risk/problem kids/teens who are placed with other kids like them tend to have worse outcomes.I wish I still had it to quote it directly. But a lot of that book would give me pause in your situation. Actually, I would be leery of putting a child with any issues directly to middle school. I taught middle school. It's rough for a lot of kids. It may still be the right choice for him of course, but please don't be pushed into something by the professionals. They can be wrong. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I think you know what you need to do - you maybe just need 'permission' to do it. SBGRACE had very good insight, and Plink's reminder to remember it's not a forever decision was great. Very true. Is there some form of compromise where you outsource some or all of his education, but without sending him to public or alternative school? Maybe online school where you retain more control but he's still ultimately accountable to outsiders? Or a university model school where he's gone 2-3 days a week, and you have more flexibility to work with his outbursts at home? In a very similar situation my friend sent her 14 year old to school after 2 years of battling it out at home. She really needed the respite, and by that point couldn't even focus on his academics or their relationship because she was so emotionally drained and physically affected by the situation at home. Surprisingly, he DID rise to the occasion with regards to grades and pulled high 90s in all classes, after months of refusing to do seatwork at home. He was written up four times between September and December, for behavior issues, and did three stints of in-school suspension. He realized that no matter how bad he thought he had it at home, the rules at school were way more stupid (a necessity for managing a herd, versus a couple of kids). He realized that he had left a good thing at home. It truly gave him perspective, not that he'd admit that to anyone but it showed in his actions. There was a situation just before the Christmas break, and my friend ended up pulling her son from this school at that time. All told he spent one semester there. Having seen the grass on the other side, he improved considerably once brought back home. There were still chaotic, tense days but in between there were really good ones - it was a roller coaster, with high highs and low lows that lasted through to summer. It was a journey, for sure. An awful one in the moment, but super in the bigger picture. This kid now attends a university model school and is at school 2 days a week. My friend has less control over curricula, but the trade-off is she has guaranteed days of respite to spend with the other kids and days off in which to 'fight' him to do schoolwork (not just a few hours in the afternoon after a full day at school). It's working for them, and may be a temporary solution for you as well. Good luck to you, it can't be easy. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 You said he came to you in 2nd grade. Does he have a diagnosis like reactive attachment disorder or anything else like that? What you said in your number 3 reason is a big part of why I homeschool too, and I tend to think that professionals who don't have experience with homeschooling or that aren't comfortable with it, may feel like it can't be enough if the child is not motivated. However, I almost feel like the parent who is willing to do what you are doing, is better positioned to deal with that. You know your child better than any professional or teacher, and you are the one around him all the time, for many, many more hours than any of the professionals are. Also, 11 is still such a little, little boy. He has so much maturation and development ahead of him. I think I am kind of siding with you about the peer groups and environment factor. Who can best guide that development and maturation, and who do you want him to emulate and get that from? Does it help if he stays busy? The idea above about martial arts, for example, maybe something like that, that could give him something to work towards. Can he begin to imagine what his life will be like in the future? Can you sit down with him and involve him in his homeschooling plans? What do you want to do? What do you want to learn? What kind of life would you like to be living when you are an adult? All in a very age-appropriate way, of course, because I don't think he needs to map out his whole life at age 11. But even if his answer is "I want to be a firefighter" or "I want to be the president" or I want to be a famous basketball player" etc, then sit down and say, okay, we can make goals and plans to reach those goals. I almost feel like there needs to be a balance when it comes to "not bending". I sort of think to say that kids need to realize the world won't bend to them is unrealistic. In the absence of a mental delay or disorder, an 11 year old already knows the world is not going to bend to him. He gets dragged to the grocery store, he has to brush his teeth, he has to wear pants, he has to do this and that, it's pretty much non-stop, all day when you think about it. So, for a bright child to exert some will when it comes to how he spends a hug part of his day (homeschooling vs public school), I actually don't think is that unreasonable. Also, is it possible he has anxiety about leaving you and going to public school? It sounds like he is trying to threaten you, by saying he will act out, etc if you send him to public school. Is it possible that is his way of grasping at straws because he is scared of that possibility? In short, yes, he has several diagnoses. The things you mentioned like brushing teeth, dressing or leaving to go to the store are still problems we have on occasion. He is smart, but his world really is driven by what he wants to do vs. what he doesn't. Intellectually, logically he can detach and tell you what he knows is right or needs to be done realistically. When it comes time to do it though, if he doesn't want to then he just doesn't. It is much easier to just lie and say he did it then to do it. Sadly, that is often our day. I do think that he is desperate to not go to ps. He says he hated it and had a lot of trouble with other kids. The problem is that due to his mental health, the desire to not go to ps does not translate into making homeschool successful. I really wish it did. I don't think it will be any better in ps though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 I read this book, which I found on the new arrivals shelf in my library. http://www.amazon.com/The-Nurture-Effect-Science-Behavior/dp/1608829553 One of the points, which is well researched/supported, was that at risk/problem kids/teens who are placed with other kids like them tend to have worse outcomes.I wish I still had it to quote it directly. But a lot of that book would give me pause in your situation. Actually, I would be leery of putting a child with any issues directly to middle school. I taught middle school. It's rough for a lot of kids. It may still be the right choice for him of course, but please don't be pushed into something by the professionals. They can be wrong. :grouphug: I think you know what you need to do - you maybe just need 'permission' to do it. SBGRACE had very good insight, and Plink's reminder to remember it's not a forever decision was great. Very true. Is there some form of compromise where you outsource some or all of his education, but without sending him to public or alternative school? Maybe online school where you retain more control but he's still ultimately accountable to outsiders? Or a university model school where he's gone 2-3 days a week, and you have more flexibility to work with his outbursts at home? In a very similar situation my friend sent her 14 year old to school after 2 years of battling it out at home. She really needed the respite, and by that point couldn't even focus on his academics or their relationship because she was so emotionally drained and physically affected by the situation at home. Surprisingly, he DID rise to the occasion with regards to grades and pulled high 90s in all classes, after months of refusing to do seatwork at home. He was written up four times between September and December, for behavior issues, and did three stints of in-school suspension. He realized that no matter how bad he thought he had it at home, the rules at school were way more stupid (a necessity for managing a herd, versus a couple of kids). He realized that he had left a good thing at home. It truly gave him perspective, not that he'd admit that to anyone but it showed in his actions. There was a situation just before the Christmas break, and my friend ended up pulling her son from this school at that time. All told he spent one semester there. Having seen the grass on the other side, he improved considerably once brought back home. There were still chaotic, tense days but in between there were really good ones - it was a roller coaster, with high highs and low lows that lasted through to summer. It was a journey, for sure. An awful one in the moment, but super in the bigger picture. This kid now attends a university model school and is at school 2 days a week. My friend has less control over curricula, but the trade-off is she has guaranteed days of respite to spend with the other kids and days off in which to 'fight' him to do schoolwork (not just a few hours in the afternoon after a full day at school). It's working for them, and may be a temporary solution for you as well. Good luck to you, it can't be easy. :grouphug: Thank you. I suspect that you are right and that deep down I know that this won't help and certainly has the potential to make life worse for him and for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 To address some other points. I have a good support structure. My mother and father live next door to us. My mother will come over to assist if things get too intense with him. Dd also goes over there pretty much any time she wants. I can even send him over there with school work if I need to work with dd solo. Dh and I have alone time with dd at night. She is a total night owl and ds goes to bed before her. She sleeps in as a result and I have ds alone for about an hour or two in the mornings. Some other random thoughts: Even if he doesn't totally melt down in ps. I suspect that the emotional fortitude that would be required of him in order to get through a normal school day without getting into trouble, would leave him exhausted. To then come home and still have to deal with us and family life, may be too much for him. KWIM? He is the type that needs alone time if a guest is over too long, even if it is a kid he actually likes. For him to deal with 10, 15 or 20 different personalities for 6 hours and no escape, may be unrealistic. I know the psychiatrist thinks that he needs to figure out how to deal with it, but I don't think he is equipped for that. It is much easier to schedule all these therapy and psych appts with a homeschooling schedule than with a ps schedule. I am structuring some questions and conversation points to have with the in-home therapist tomorrow, the psychologist next week and the psychiatrist in 2 weeks. I just have to remind myself that I still have the summer to figure this out. I don't do well in limbo. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 No advice. Just wanted to say that I think you have VERY good reasons for not putting him in the alternative school, but only you know if the benefits outweigh the risks. :grouphug: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 My child is an Aspie and so might have very different problems but he did (and still does at times) have trouble with intensity, meltdowns and social situations. There is a huge difference between the way he was at 11 and now at 18 (well, 18 tomorrow). There is even a huge difference between the way he was at age 16 and now. Now I don't have a crystal ball or anything, but I do want to offer some reassurance. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I don't know the answer. I wanted to suggest that as you get into adolescents things may go downhill no matter what the setting. You could blame yourself for keeping him home or you could blame the school and blame yourself for sending him. My ds's behavior issues escalated from age 12 all the way through 18. I have a friend still dealing with intense issues at 21. I have another friend who like me has seen issues level off off and started to see some progress toward being a functioning adult at age 20. Whether in school or not, you need to examine what escalation could look like. Understand that as escalation increases, your ds's physical size and strength will be increasing. How are you providing what your other dc needs? Could you really be able to rely on help from grandparents (my ds is estranged from my father more from my father doing something he shouldn't have). Are they going to be able to handle behaviors? Are they healthy? If they serve as a refuge for dd what happens to your relationship with dd? What are you doing to protect yourself and stay healthy (you must put serious focus on this)? If your dc is home can you get out of academic responsibility? Can you accept performance that is simply getting by and accumulating graduation credts. Going to school may be the wrong choice. Examine changes at home you can solidly make now and consider if you are going to be able to keep them up longterm. Also go look at alternative settings available. You may have to go through the whole IEP process to find out what's available, prepare yourself for the time and emotional energy that process takes. I'm sorry my post has a negative tone. The answers are different for every kid. I've seen a few boys go through some difficult adolescent periods. I hope things in your house turn around soon. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Sorry for what you are going through. It sounds as though you have been offered only one possibility for ps placement. If your ds has an IEP, you can look at other placements, if you are in an area that has choices. Where I am, in NJ, there are many, many choices of private schools for special needs kids. When the right placement is found, the results can be astoundingly good. I don't have first hand experience with your situation, but I do know families with kids who sound similar. None is in an 'alternative' school. All are in small, private, special needs schools, paid for by district. Downside is that school could be a long bus ride away. Upside is that school can help. Ymmv, of course, especially if you are in a rural area without a choice of schools. Btw, it helps if the parent is aggressive in demanding to visit as many schools as possible. Some kids need one on one aides too, another thing the district can provide. Your situation sounds serious enough that I worry, especially for your dd. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I used to work in mental health and I saw lots of kids like your son. I would hesitate, as you are, to put him in a setting with other kids like him. They often act out and learn new behaviors. Could he try public school in a good school district surrounded but kids without behavioral problems? With all the work you've done, perhaps he could handle it. Or a coop setting? A coop with a behavioral aide? Praise to you for helping this child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLMom Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 My question is how do you handle him (how is it affecting you) and how is your relationship with him? Are you often frustrated and angry with him and does it show? Does it affect other areas of your life? Your relationship with him is so important. With either choice, he needs to learn that he must do his work and must follow rules. Easier said than done, I know. And keeping him at home does not guarantee he will not get involved in things like drugs. My always hs son (adhd and bipolar) got into drugs and drinking while in high school at home. A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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