Children's church attendance

[MaryE]

My husband and I have gone from full believing members of our church to having a lot of questions about the faith of our childhood. This has happened over the past year or so. Though we haven't sat down with our children (ages 12 and 16) and said "this is why we no longer believe XYZ," they both know we have concerns.  We do discuss things as they come up.

 

I have started attending another church and singing in their choir. DH will occasionally visit a different faith's congregation on Sunday evenings. He also, until recently, has gone to our previous church with our children. They still wanted to attend, and we told them we'd support them in that. The past several weeks, my daughter has gone sporadically, and my son hasn't attended at all. (partially I think due to graduating from the children's program into the youth program)

 

I have mixed feelings. I know we're all in this weird, new place in our spiritual journey. I want to be respectful of where everyone is, but I don't want the kids opting out of any and all church altogether just because their parents don't know what we thought we once did. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What worked for your family?

[Starr]

You are already figuring out what generally works best for children is the family participating together. If both adults are going different ways the kids may just phase out all together.  :grouphug:

[HSmomof2]

We are just starting to go through something a slightly similar in our family. Although, our dc are younger (10 & 12), and our current church is likely closing its doors in a few months. There isn't another church of our denomination in a reasonable driving distance but many other churches in the area. Dh and I have agreed that it's important that we stay on the same page. Dc are included in our discussion as well as we look into other churches. Dh and I won't attend separate churches but will keep searching until we find something we're both ok with. We also won't quit going to church overall, as ultimately we don't believe church is about us, but for worshipping God. We're hoping that even if we end up somewhere quite a bit different than what we're used to, our dc will see our example, and we'll end up where we're supposed to be.

[PrincessMommy]

This is going to be a bit of a convoluted story, so please bare with me:

 

When I started to break away from our former Christian tradition I went someplace else and my dh continued at the original church with the kids.  We didn't want them to be flung from place to place when we didn't really know how it would all end up.

 

When we as a couple realized that we couldn't agree on our faith tradition we found a reasonable compromise and when we made our move we all went together.  However, we allowed our oldest to continue with the youth group at the previous church.  She was not happy about the change and that was a compromise so she could still be connected to her friends.   

 

Within 4yrs of that first change I realized I couldn't live with the compromise and the kids were a bit older (although I had 2 at your kids' age)... I made the change and we let our oldest 5 choose (youngest automatically came with me).   My dh tried but wasn't ready.  It took him about 9yrs before he converted.

 

One of the constants for my dh and I was that church was non-negotiable for our family.  Even though we were challenging what we had always believed and practiced before, our core belief in Christ & the importance of gathering together as believers was not something we were questioning.  We were questioning what the gathering really looked like and how they believed and practiced their faith.

 

I think you should decide what are the non-negotiable for your family.  What is the core things that you want your kids to know is important to you as a couple and as parents?

 

You are welcome to PM me if you want a longer, more detailed history.   The path was not always easy (hence the original compromise) but the journey was SO worth it.

[Catwoman]

I don't know why you would allow yourself space to explore but forbid your kids the same. Maybe because it's scary and feels like a big break?

 

In any case I think you have to talk about it as a family and see where the kids are. I think if they want to exit the community you have left you should let them.

:iagree:

 

Your kids are old enough to be involved in family discussions and decisions about things like this.

 

I think the idea to talk about it as a family is excellent.

[chiguirre]

I have mixed feelings. I know we're all in this weird, new place in our spiritual journey. I want to be respectful of where everyone is, but I don't want the kids opting out of any and all church altogether just because their parents don't know what we thought we once did. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What worked for your family?

I'm in a similar situation. I've been an atheist since I was a tween, but my entire family is Catholic as is dh's. It's a major part of our cultural heritage and not really negotiable. Dh insisted that the kids had to be baptized and do their first communion. So, somewhat ironically, I went to all the prep meetings, read the books with them, bought the white dress and veil and white necktie, organized the party, etc. We have awesome pictures and the grandparents and godparents were happy.

 

What works for us is that the kids sing in the children's choir and we go when they perform. It's not every week so I get a break, but they still are tied to the parish and know the order of the mass and liturgical year. They'll get the jokes (eventually). They'll fit in with our extended family and culture.

 

Of course, this is easier to do with some religions than with others. Nobody notices if one of the 6000 registered families in the parish doesn't show up. You can easily fly under the radar. That's not true of other denominations, so this may not work for you.

 

You'll have to decide what elements of your family's history you need to preserve. Can you go along to get along? Are your kids true believers or do they just go with the family's flow? I've got one of each, so it can work either way, but you have to consider your kid's needs. You've only got another 6 years till your youngest goes to college. Can you just fake it until then? Do you want to? Will you care if your kids just ditch church completely? How do you think that would shape their futures? Would it matter to their self-identity? Make them oddballs in their community? Limit their marriage prospects? Make your grandchildren outcasts from your culture? This is all important, but only you can answer these questions and decide how important they are to you and your family.

[PrincessMommy]

I'm in a similar situation. I've been an atheist since I was a tween, but my entire family is Catholic as is dh's. It's a major part of our cultural heritage and not really negotiable. Dh insisted that the kids had to be baptized and do their first communion. So, somewhat ironically, I went to all the prep meetings, read the books with them, bought the white dress and veil and white necktie, organized the party, etc. We have awesome pictures and the grandparents and godparents were happy.

 

What works for us is that the kids sing in the children's choir and we go when they perform. It's not every week so I get a break, but they still are tied to the parish and know the order of the mass and liturgical year. They'll get the jokes (eventually). They'll fit in with our extended family and culture.

 

Of course, this is easier to do with some religions than with others. Nobody notices if one of the 6000 registered families in the parish doesn't show up. You can easily fly under the radar. That's not true of other denominations, so this may not work for you.

 

You'll have to decide what elements of your family's history you need to preserve. Can you go along to get along? Are your kids true believers or do they just go with the family's flow? I've got one of each, so it can work either way, but you have to consider your kid's needs. You've only got another 6 years till your youngest goes to college. Can you just fake it until then? Do you want to? Will you care if your kids just ditch church completely? How do you think that would shape their futures? Would it matter to their self-identity? Make them oddballs in their community? Limit their marriage prospects? Make your grandchildren outcasts from your culture? This is all important, but only you can answer these questions and decide how important they are to you and your family.

 

Yes, I agree.. it's not always the size of the congregation either...some traditions seem to be more understanding than others about it.

[marbel]

I would be really open with the kids.  What is it about your former faith/church that you have broken away from?  What brought you to the conclusions you reached?  What is replacing it?  Your 16-year-old, at least, should be "owning" her (hope I go that right that it's your daughter) own faith now, exploring her own beliefs, etc.   But even saying that, I believe it is reasonable to expect the kids to go to church where their parent go till they are 18. 

 

This is not quite the same, we didn't make a drastic change (just within Protestant denominations) but my husband and I tagged-teamed church for a while.  I would go to our "old" church with the kids one week, while he went elsewhere.  Then, we'd switch.  When we decided where to go, we all moved together.  It took a few months.  But it's also different because our kids were quite young - 3 and 4 - so that part is completely different from your situation. They just  went where we went. 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

 

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

I have mixed feelings. I know we're all in this weird, new place in our spiritual journey. I want to be respectful of where everyone is, but I don't want the kids opting out of any and all church altogether just because their parents don't know what we thought we once did. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What worked for your family?

 

My experience is different, but I believe the quickest way to quash any faith or interest is to force kids to go along with whatever you're doing at the moment.

 

We left our church about 5 years ago and bounced around to several others, a year at a time.  After leaving the second church, we stopped requiring our kids to go.  It was hard enough for us to get into a new church, and we could see no point in making them do the same.  They were also in their teens at this point, an age where they can begin to own their own beliefs. 

 

In the past few months, we've finally found a place we believe is our new church home.  We did ask our teen who is still at home to come. He literally sat on the edge of his seat, appreciating what he was hearing. 

 

Our path wasn't perfect, but I still believe we did the right thing in not forcing our kids to bounce around with us.

 

As I said, our experience had different reasons, but you asked what worked for us.  It sounds like your kids may appreciate the socialness of church. If it were me, I'd maybe consider what other opportunities there are where they can be with the same type of kids, if that part of it is working for them.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

[MaryE]

Thank you to everyone who has responded! We're coming out of the Mormon faith. My husband is drawn to Community of Christ, which has the same roots, but has evolved quite a bit. It's a tiny congregation, very accepting, and for him, it's just what he needs. For me, it's too close to where we came from. I'm finding the Episcopal church to be my safe haven. I love the liturgy, the music, the rich Anglican tradition. (That could be my Anglophile showing;))

 

Our daughter (16) has a lot of social anxiety. Even though she does have concerns about her faith, and doesn't fit in socially with most of the kids in her youth group, our Mormon congregation is where she feels comfortable. It's what she knows. It's almost a matter of pride that she's the "unorthodox one." She's been invited to come with her dad and I to church, and she just doesn't want to. She did come to an Evensong I performed in over Advent, but that style of service wasn't meaningful to her. I feel that when she goes to college next year, she won't seek out a local congregation. (again, anxiety)

 

Our son (12) is more willing to try new things. He's gone to other churches a few times with his dad and I. Maybe, when his sister is off to college, we can make a clean break and do something all together. As for now, I think he's hesitant to go to our Mormon ward for a few reasons: there's really only one other boy in youth group that he gets along with. We've always said he's an old soul, and he's much more mature than the majority of kids at church. Also, now that he's 12, he's expected to help pass the sacrament (communion). He hasn't done this yet, or had much instruction, so I think he's a bit afraid to go and try. I've asked his close friend and his dad to please meet with him and help him figure it out. We're out of town this Sunday, so it will have to wait til next.

 

We just feel really stuck. Mormonism is not a faith from which one can leave gracefully. We're disappointing family, and potentially losing friends. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't recommend requiring your children to go if it is obvious your heart isn't really into it.  Believe me, they know stuff like that.  My parents took us to church for years, but I knew damn well they were going through the motions.

 

Also, I think your kids are just too old to be forced. 

 

If you are questioning, why is that ok for you and not them?  What good do you hope will come out of forcing them to go whether they want to or not?  I mean that sincerely (and am not saying this to be mean or anything).  I just recall my mother being worried that if she didn't force us to go that she wasn't doing what was expected of her.  If anything it probably turned me off more because I knew how she really felt.  She could not fake that well enough. 

[MaryE]

We're not forcing our kids to go. We've told them everyone has a personal spiritual path, and we'll support them whatever they choose. We were just so indoctrinated that the LDS church was the one right way, that it's incredibly guilt inducing to see us all making different choices. DH is seeing a therapist. Maybe I need one too.

[PrincessMommy]

I can see how leaving a faith community so intrenched with your family life would be incredibly hard.  It's probably very good your dh is seeing a therapist. 

 

May you find many fruitful blessings throughout your journey.

[MaryE]

Thank you, Debbi.  I appreciate your good wishes!

[speedmom4]

My heart goes out to you all. We faced something similar two years ago. 

 

I was raised Roman Catholic but dh Protestant. He attended Baptist, Episcopal, and Assemblies of God churches growing up. We were married in the RC Church and had our first child baptized Catholic. I had every intention of remaining Catholic but I wasn't super serious about my faith at all. For many reasons we decided to leave the Catholic Church and begin attending the Assemblies of God church my dh's family attended (and still attends). We raised our four children in  this church. We had many friends there and spent 15 years of our lives as Protestants. It's the only faith my children knew. Two years ago I had an experience that landed me in my local RC parish. It was a very powerful spiritual experience and it left me very confused. I began studying Catholicism as well as doctrines of other faiths. About 9 months later I knew I was supposed to return to Catholicism. In the beginning of this journey my husband and four children were very hesitant. The kids were ages 17, 15, 13, and 11. I was so incredibly torn. My heart longed to be RC and yet I was attending the AG church for my families' sake. I was very unhappy. I just kept praying that God would show me what to do. My husband became curious and started researching Catholicism for himself. Also during that time my two younger children began showing an interest in Catholicism. To make a long story short, my husband and two sons entered the Church this past Easter. It was beautiful. 

 

Our priest gave us wonderful advice during this process. He said that our children were too old for us to make the decision for them. They had to make the decision for themselves. Our two girls both decided to stay Protestant. My dh's family is also at that church and our children are very close to them. It wasn't easy to go our separate ways on Sunday morning. There were times that I questioned if what we were doing was the right thing. But now two years later we have peace in our home concerning our different faiths. I have come to realize that it's an extremely personal journey. I have also learned to trust God more than I ever have. 

 

We haven't lost close friends over this decision but it has been difficult. We live in the Bible Belt and there are some Protestants who no longer consider us Christians. We have had strained relationships with family and friends but it's getting better. It was definitely a sacrifice but it has been so incredibly worth it. 

 

In the earlier stages of this process I wanted to know how it was all going to end up. I was frustrated by the conflicts we had. I was scared that we were making the wrong decision. Thankfully, it has all worked out. It is still evolving even now. Our oldest is now in college and was hired at an Episcopal church to play piano and sing in their choir. Although it isn't Catholic it's pretty darn close. Our younger daughter still attends our old AG church but is starting to question A LOT. 

 

I hope your journey brings you peace and closeness with God and each other. I know the journey isn't easy but it's so worth it. 

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[Elisabet1]

I told the children my doubts and wish I had not. I think the children need to be taught something concrete. They need it to be stable and consistent. If you are having doubts, sometimes, it is best to not pull the children in. We all have doubts at times, and at many times. The kids will have their own doubts eventually. Let them have their own doubts instead of bringing them in to yours. See what I am saying? Give them something concrete to stand on, as a foundation. And if they have their own doubts, let them have them. You can even be there for them, discuss it, and so on. But I do wish I had not shared all my doubts with my children.

[SKL]

My parents wanted us to go to church/bible classes until we finished 8th grade at least.  They did not insist on any particular church, though we normally went to the church where we were members.  When we were in middle school, we started branching out and going to the church(es) of our choice.

 

I take my kids to the church associated with their Lutheran school.  I don't agree with everything they teach, and my kids know this.  However, right now it's important to me that my kids be considered part of the church/school community.  The school also expects them to attend church the majority of Sundays.  So we go.  My kids have not expressed an interest in attending other churches, but if they do, I will encourage it.

 

Although I don't believe in some key things taught in church, I believe it's best for my kids to be schooled in the religion.  The Christian religion, Bible, church history etc. are important to understanding world history, American history, literature, expressions, conventions, values, etc.  I also expose them to other religions, to a lesser degree.

[EndOfOrdinary]

We left the church community for a full year. One of the really positive things that happened was that it did not mean we had to stop the spiritual pursuits happening at home. It actually strengthened those. No school on Sunday no matter what to observe the Sabbath, Biblical reading and teaching as a major school subject and not just something we do, learning the litergical calendar and holidays on a much deeper level, asking what God/Jesus/following looked like to each of us. It was as though for that year we had church together. Somehow, I had begun feeling as though Sunday school was taking on all these sorts of roles. By stepping away, I was able to make a point of having those dialogs again.

 

When we returned to a different congregation (same denomination), I was really struck by how much my son had gained from our "year off." Where many of the children could act/play along, he really had gotten much more personal meaning from the faith. So I would urge you to not look at the situation as leaving Church, but more, perhaps, creating a safe place to explore Church.