Can we talk about strip clubs?

[Moxie]

I just found out that a friend's husband (I'll call him Joe) visits a local strip club whenever he gets the chance. He and my DH were at a business function and Joe and another fellow were making plans to go that night.

 

I've thought about it alot since I found out. In my marriage, visiting a strip club would be almost equal to having an affair. I can't imagine the betrayal I'd feel. I would want to know he was doing it but I could never tell Joe's wife, even though she is my friend. I feel bad about that. My DH thinks she probably already knows. Maybe but I've never gotten the impression that she would stand for that but she does put up with alot that wouldn't fly in my home.

 

Would you want to know? I feel like I'm being a bad friend either way (not that I would ever tell her, for several reasons that is out of the question).

[StaceyinLA]

has no use for that. He won't look at a nasty magazine.

 

My first dh was almost addicted to them, and you see what happened there. (Of course, he carried it a bit further than just looking too)

[abbeyej]

I think your husband is probably right. It doesn't sound like this man is "sneaking" particularly, and his wife probably knows. She may or may not be okay with it, but I doubt she'd be shocked.

 

If there's no way you would tell her, why agonize about it?

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I just found out that a friend's husband (I'll call him Joe) visits a local strip club whenever he gets the chance. He and my DH were at a business function and Joe and another fellow were making plans to go that night.

 

I've thought about it alot since I found out. In my marriage, visiting a strip club would be almost equal to having an affair. I can't imagine the betrayal I'd feel. I would want to know he was doing it but I could never tell Joe's wife, even though she is my friend. I feel bad about that. My DH thinks she probably already knows. Maybe but I've never gotten the impression that she would stand for that but she does put up with alot that wouldn't fly in my home.

 

Would you want to know? I feel like I'm being a bad friend either way (not that I would ever tell her, for several reasons that is out of the question).

 

I'd probably want to know, but I wouldn't want to be *told*. That probably doesn't make much sense, but here you have it.

 

People do shoot the messenger, remember that. And marriages come back from pretty horrendous stuff, even if the other party doesn't know the whole truth.

[Parrothead]

I wouldn't say anything to her. She probably already knows - especially is she happens to be the bill payer in the family. She sees the credit card statements.

 

I've actually been to one and it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Dh is allowed to go to them, but he never does. I guess it is a bit of reverse psychology.

[Carrie12345]

I'd probably want to know, but I wouldn't want to be *told*. That probably doesn't make much sense, but here you have it.

 

People do shoot the messenger, remember that. And marriages come back from pretty horrendous stuff, even if the other party doesn't know the whole truth.

 

That's pretty much my opinion. I don't want to be in the dark, but I also wouldn't want to involve a 3rd (or 4th) party.

 

As far as the strip club aspect in and of itself, I don't have a problem with them in general. I *do have a huge problem with the fact that they seem to be considered an appropriate business event in many circles. That probably doesn't make much sense either, but that's how I feel.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I could care less if my dh went to a strip club. He isn't into that kind of thing (expensive waste of money in his opinion), but he has gone before just with "the guys". I have also gone to male reviews with "the girls" and we had such a good time. We laughed so hard and still talk about the fun we've had.

 

If it were a regular kind of thing, I might want to know more about the reasons behind it. If it were causing us financial hardship I would be very concerned. But I am secure enough in myself, my husband, and my marriage to not be threatened by a strip club.

[Renee in NC]

Some people know but they don't want to know, KWIM? Imagine if it were you - you found out, you confronted dh, and he wouldn't stop. What then? For the sake of the marriage, you decided to pretend not to see it. You know, but you don't want to know.

 

I am not saying you would, but some might. We all tend to overlook some negative character flaws in our spouses (is we didn't we wouldn't stay married long, LOL!) Maybe this is hers - she overlooks this (but maybe wouldn't overlook something your dh does.)

[Remudamom]

If it was a good friend that I cared about, I'd have my dh go to her dh first. But remember, in our circle this isn't tolerated. I wouldn't dream of going to a place like that, and frankly there'd be WWIII if my dh thought this was acceptable.

 

Someone down the road? None of my business. I'm talking good friend/family/church family.

[genie]

My guess is that she already knows. Bringing it up to her might embarrass her if she's already uncomfortable with it. I suppose you could bring it up in conversation without making it sound like you're "informing" her. Something like, "I don't know if I could handle my husband going to strip clubs on a regular basis. How do you let it not bother you?" Okay, that didn't come out right. I don't know. I'm just thinking that there could be a way to bring it up that's not like you're telling her, just discussing it with her.

 

I don't think my husband would last long at strip clubs on his own. I've been to a couple with him, but he was such a cheapskate I was totally embarrassed. I think if I hadn't been there with him he'd have gotten tossed out. The DJ even made a comment, "Remember, this IS a pay-per-view." Made me laugh.

[Tap]

Dh ends up going about once a year for a birthday party or bachelor party. I don't really care as long as it is for an event and not just sitting alone in a bar. Whether it was a strip club or a traditional bar, that would bother me. Dh isn't too impressed by strip clubs, and really doesn't like to spend money in that way so I can't imagine him picking up a habit from a once a year party.

[Chocobean]

I think if I hadn't been there with him he'd have gotten tossed out. The DJ even made a comment, "Remember, this IS a pay-per-view." Made me laugh.

:lol:

I met my husband when we were in first year of college, and I went with him and his high school buddies once. I asked him why the guys sat far away from the stage and if it was because I was there, and he said no, because it's creepy old men that sit right at the stage and toss money at the dancers, and also, at normal bars and pubs the pool tables are always full. I'm not saying they weren't looking -- just not near as much as I was.

 

Anyway fast forward a few years and we're getting married, and I asked him if his buddies (same lot of them, bless them) are throwing him a stag party at a strip club. He said no, it's not something he finds interesting anymore. =P Secretly I'm thinking it has more to do with his cheapness too, hehehehe.

 

To original poster:

Strip clubs aren't all about sex; some men enjoy the attention of attractive females and the respect they get from being a "regular". Some men enjoy showing off the fact that they can still do as they please after marriage. (Of course some are just creepy old men)

 

Appreciate your hubby's understanding and respecting what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Maybe Joe will eventually see the love and respect he gets from you he doesn't need to go to those places to have paid workers fawn over him anymore.

[dangermom]

But I am secure enough in myself, my husband, and my marriage to not be threatened by a strip club.

Thsi implies that you think people who don't approve of strip clubs are insecure about their marriages. That isn't the case. There are plenty of reasons to dislike strip clubs--exploitation and objectification of women, and different ideas about what constitutes fidelity in marriage being two major ones.

 

Please don't assume everyone here is "insecure about their marriages."

[nmoira]

I don't think my husband would last long at strip clubs on his own. I've been to a couple with him, but he was such a cheapskate I was totally embarrassed. I think if I hadn't been there with him he'd have gotten tossed out. The DJ even made a comment, "Remember, this IS a pay-per-view." Made me laugh.

That is funny.

 

DH hasn't been to a strip club in almost 10 years... it was a bachelor party. It's not something he's interested in... I think he's too shocked at the price of drinks to pay attention to anything else.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Thsi implies that you think people who don't approve of strip clubs are insecure about their marriages. That isn't the case. There are plenty of reasons to dislike strip clubs--exploitation and objectification of women, and different ideas about what constitutes fidelity in marriage being two major ones.

 

Please don't assume everyone here is "insecure about their marriages."

 

What I said was that *I* am secure enough in MYSELF and my OWN marriage not to care.

 

I do understand that some women do consider this cheating because of their religious convictions and other reasons and I totally respect that right.

 

However, I have known numerous women who do get uptight when their dh's head turns in the parking lot out of sheer jealousy, and for THESE women it is a self esteem issue IMHO.

[CactusPair]

I wouldn't say anything to her. She probably knows or chooses "not to know". Bringing it up might embarass or humiliate her.

 

I'd just let her have some privacy about it.