Tap Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Part of our guardianship agreement for dd7, requires us to write a letter to the judge to give them a status update each year. This is a very hard day for me, when I write the letter. It breaks my heart to see how little progress we have made. It always makes me resentful of the crap-shoot that babies seem to go through when getting good genes, parents and the effects of socio-economic choices parents are likely to make. What dd7 went through in-utero and right after: Mom was under very, very high stress during pregnancy (other child taken away and knew she was likely headed to jail for a crime she committed years prior) Her bio parents, and grand parents have extensive and pervasive mental health issues that have genetic links Her bio-mom drank soda by the 64 ounce cupful and lived on junk food during her pregnancy (cheapest option available) Her bio-mom drank alcohol, smoked pot and cigarettes during the pregnancy It is heavily suspected that bio-mom did meth during the pregnancy due to some specific issues dd7 has. Baby was fed canned milk instead of formula by her first caretaker at least part of the time due to some old-generation-wisdom so i am sure her brain wasn't properly nourished. She was taken from her birth mom the day after delivery, given to one family short-term and then came to us at 5mo. Most of these things, by themselves, wouldn't be a problem, but seriously....how much can one kid's brain take before it starts subcoming to damage? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Thank goodness she is with you now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 What can I say - I agree with you. By chance, yesterday I happened upon a documentary on YouTube about a girl found guilty of murder at age 15 or 16. As far as I could tell, she was a bright girl. They got into her history. 16yo bio mom, moved around until permanent placement with adoptive mom at age 2. Bio family has several generations of documented mental problems, attempted or successful suicides, etc. (Couldn't really tell but it seemed the bio mom might also have been the product of a rape.) Bio mom abused substances while pregnant and after, ended up in jail. Adoptive mom seems to have tried her best, but the girl did not manage to develop an intimate bond and learn to take guidance from her adoptive family. Girl made tons of self-destructive choices, ran away, got between a rock and a hard place, chose poorly, and ended up with a life sentence. As an adoptive parent, it's kind of chilling. Whoever told me you can mold kids was pretty much lying. All we can do is try to bring out the best in them - whatever that is. At least we now have more resources to help us understand where some of the hard stuff comes from. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Perhaps in your eyes progress is slow but these may be big steps for her? Be comforted in the fact that the brain is very "plastic" and can compensate in many areas even if things don't go as they should have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Sometimes it is easier to work with the kids than it is to put their needs down on paper in black and white. I think my kids are doing very well.........until you put it all down on paper or compare them to their peers. I understand but don't have answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I wonder about stuff like that too. I hear of circumstances where a child grows up in very difficult circumstances and yet overcomes, but even then, it seems like there needs to be at least one or two things going right for the child. My own father had a difficult/tragic childhood, but I know he had at least a couple of uncles who stepped in and tried to make his life as stable as they could, given the circumstances. My father is definitely one who overcame the odds, but like I said, he had some good people helping from the get-go, and his mother was not on drugs. When one of my daughters was not able to put on weight as a baby, the doctor gave me interesting statistics. She said a child's developing brain can go for about 6 months on a semi-starvation diet and still catch up. After about 6 months, the changes in the brain become much more difficult to overcome. But, scientists are continuing to learn more about the brain. Many believe it is even more pliable than they had once thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Sometimes it seems that some kids just don't have much of a chance. Thankfully, your daughter has your family to help her be the best girl she can be. So many others don't ever get that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I agree with you. And :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Wanted to add: Don't underestimate the work you are doing in her life. Will she stay with you until she is no longer a minor? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 That sounds very similar to AS, but he came to us at 3 days. He is only a year, so I have no idea what the future holds for him. However, I do have a ds that survived chemotherapy for over 3 years, which is basically just a bunch of toxic legal drugs combined with a lot of stress. He is nearly 5 years off treatment, and he is smart, funny, loving, and loves life. His biggest issue is food, because the years of meds messed up his metabolism. So, things really can turn out just fine despite the craziness of life. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 From the age of 4 to 18 I raised my step dd who had many of these exact same circumstances with her birth mother. Drug use/ alcohol consumption, family history of mental illness, formula fed, fed all junk food the first four years of her life. Add to the problems is that dd was raised by the mother for the first four years of her life. This is a woman who has never kept a pet alive for a week, so her parenting is beyond horrible by absolutely any standards. I HAD to home school her because she just could not keep up/ function in school, mostly due to impulse control issues. That was the start of my home schooling journey although I did end up home schooling my other children for years and loving it very much. Now the girl is 26, and struggling to get along in the world, and it is painful that I put SO much time and money into her life and she is so much like her mother in spite of it. I love her very much, but I have begun to draw lines around the rest of the family in order to keep her chaos from hurting others. It is so sad to me to read threads about people cutting off toxic parents and the thought of cutting off a toxic child is sad beyond anything, but I will do it to keep everyone else whole if I have to. So far she is responding to some new boundaries so hopefully all will be fine. The hard part is how the deck was stacked against the girl to begin with. It seems so unfair for her to pay her whole life for having mentally ill family members and learning to manipulate at a young age because it was the only way to get legitimate needs met. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srs Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I will absolutely agree with you. It can be so depressing to have to write it all down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 :grouphug: I get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecialClassical Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I understand. It's heartbreaking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 So sorry live is still very difficult for her. Her background sounds a lot like that of a number of adopted children I know. FWIW, several of those that went gluten-free at a relatively young age recovered from much of the damage and are pretty happy, healthy teens now. If you haven't already tried a gluten-free diet with her, it might be worth a look. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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