question about touch

[chefwife8]

I have never been a touchy feely kind of person even when I was little. Hugging makes me uncomfortable. I don't have any issues with my kids hugging and touchy me, but can be overwhelmed by too much.

 

I married into a very touchy feely family and have been made to feel like there is something wrong with me because if it.

 

I am not sure how to deal with this since it bothers hubby when I push him away or avoid physical contact. I love him more than anything but, it makes him feel like I don't. I know it also bothers my mom that I don't hug her as much as dh does.

Could this be a sensory disorder?

[Orthodox6]

We here cannot know whether you have a particular condition or not; however, it would not be impossible that you do. 

 

What you describe can be "the normal" for Asperger's people, for example.  Their sense of "personal space" can be powerfully strong.  I am an Aspie, and have one Aspie son.  He and I both are conventionally at ease with expressing affection.  At the same time, I know a number of Asperger's people who avoid being touched and get quite upset if someone comes up and hugs them.  I have the sense of "personal space".  If someone hovers over me while I am typing at a computer, for example, I have to stop what I'm doing and ask the person please not to "crowd" me. 

 

There are other conditions with similar features; I'm tired, though, and can think only of the one closest to home.

 

If you want to express affection, but find it difficult to do so, here's hoping that your family will come to understand that this does not at all mean you are lacking in love for them. 

[Miss Peregrine]

I am not a huggy person either. I wasn't really hugged growing up by my parents so I guess that's what I prefer. I do touch/ hug my kids much more than I was. One of them prefers not to be touched so maybe it's partly a personality thing?

[umsami]

I have no idea if you have it, but it may make things easier on them if they believe you do.  So it's no longer personal, KWIM?

[Barbara H]

Have you seen the book Five Love Languages?  You don't even really need to the book to get the concept. People don't all like the same stuff. They have a quiz on the website where you can determine your "love language" and your partner can take it as well. Just having that information about each other can be helpful.  I didn't even have to take the quiz to know my "love language" is acts of service. Nothing says love to me like a kitchen I didn't have to clean. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/   

 

Also I think there can be a phase of life thing. It is easy to get "touched out" when you are with kids a lot.

[speedmom4]

I could have written your post! I'm not a touchy feely person either but I married into one. Thankfully they have grown to respect my space a little and I've learned to hug more.

Also now that my kids are older and I don't have little ones all over me I am not "touched-out" all the time. I actually enjoy hugs a lot more!

 

Elise in NC

[chefwife8]

I could have written your post! I'm not a touchy feely person either but I married into one. Thankfully they have grown to respect my space a little and I've learned to hug more.

Also now that my kids are older and I don't have little ones all over me I am not "touched-out" all the time. I actually enjoy hugs a lot more!

 

Elise in NC

I wish he didn't take it so personal. We have been married 22 years and it has probably gotten worse as I've gotten older and have kids all over me all the time, plus I have been pregnant or nursing or both for the last 10 years.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My daughter does have sensory processing disorder, and that is one of the symptoms, but it is just one.  She has always had sensory issues, but at home she had learned to deal with some of them.  The problems came when I noticed she was avoiding more and more situations, and I was concerned that she was going to miss out on many worthwhile things (driving, relationships, intimacy were a few).

 

She went through a few months of occupational therapy last summer, at age 16/17, and it helped her a lot.  As an adult, she was able to see how her sensitivities were affecting her ability to function in the big world (which was about to get a whole lot bigger as she was about to go off to college), so she was totally committed to her therapy.  She was able to work through many of her issues, and learned strategies to deal with those she will probably carry for a long time to come.

 

She learned the term "sensory defensive".  I believe it means the same thing as SPD, but it is easier for her to share with people in stimulating situations/environments.  She has no trouble saying, "Sorry, I'm sensory defensive, and it's just too loud/crowded/bright/fast/touchy-feely here.  I'm having trouble dealing with such-and-such.  Can we go outside?"  Other times, she'll coach herself through uncomfortable situations.  She still avoids unnecessary stimulation if possible. 

 

If you think you might benefit from occupational therapy, I'd seek it out.  The OT gave dd a computerized quiz, about 200 questions, to help determine which types of sensory issues she had, then tailored her therapy just for her.  They treated her as an adult, with respect and dignity.  

 

If you'd like to read about it, I liked much of this book: Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Loud-Bright-Fast-Tight-Overstimulating/dp/0060932929/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412229581&sr=1-1&keywords=too+loud+too+bright+too+fast+too+tight

 

[PrincessMommy]

I have never been a touchy feely kind of person even when I was little. Hugging makes me uncomfortable. I don't have any issues with my kids hugging and touchy me, but can be overwhelmed by too much.

 

I married into a very touchy feely family and have been made to feel like there is something wrong with me because if it.

 

I am not sure how to deal with this since it bothers hubby when I push him away or avoid physical contact. I love him more than anything but, it makes him feel like I don't. I know it also bothers my mom that I don't hug her as much as dh does.

Could this be a sensory disorder?

 

You've described me exactly - including my husband feeling rejected.  Mine is very emotionally needy and my dislike of touching causes friction in our marriage.  He thrives on PDAs and I cringe from them.  Sigh.  yup, definitely made to feel like it's all my fault...but that's also part of the way I grew up too.

 

I've always just assumed it was because this was how my family culture was when I was growing up,  abuse as a child, and my experience with maternal rejection.    When my kids were younger it was very easy to be touchy-feely with them (I did not want to be like my mom :closedeyes: )..but it's hard with adults. 

[Rebel Yell]

I have never been a touchy feely kind of person even when I was little. Hugging makes me uncomfortable. I don't have any issues with my kids hugging and touchy me, but can be overwhelmed by too much.

 

I married into a very touchy feely family and have been made to feel like there is something wrong with me because if it.

 

I am not sure how to deal with this since it bothers hubby when I push him away or avoid physical contact. I love him more than anything but, it makes him feel like I don't. I know it also bothers my mom that I don't hug her as much as dh does.

Could this be a sensory disorder?

 

I don't know about sensory disorders, but try reversing the situation:  If the entire family was a very formal, hands-off non-huggy family, would they try to make the HuggyBear who married into the family feel like a perv?

 

Same with shouty-loud families and the QuietOne.  Or the Sportsy Families and the ArtsyOne. Nobody is bad, just different.

[KrissiK]

I'm not huggie, either. I hate people reading over my shoulder, too. And I, too, have the same issues with my dh. It frustrates me, but I always thought that's just the way I am.

[JustEm]

For me its a sensory thing when it comes to physical affection with my immediate family. For example, usually tolerate little physical contact with dh when he gets home but usually not too much because I'm touched out after having the kids on me all day.

 

With everyone else its just a personality thing. I do not show my affection for friends and other family through touch and they respect that. I do give hugs if I haven't seen someone in a long time more so for their benefit than mine but on a regular basis very few people get a hug from me. Essentially is my parents and mil who get the weekly hug when I'm saying goodbye

[J-rap]

I think a lot depends on your own upbringing, and maybe how you're wired as well.  I grew up in a very wonderful but very non-touchy family.  It didn't matter at all to me, and I never even thought about it growing up.  I did get over it with my own children and husband, but even then, it's not like I hug them every time we say good night or go away for the weekend.  (Well, I do my husband, but not my children.)  I honestly think that is much more typical for people my generation (I was born in the 60's).  When my friends and I saw really touchy families growing up, we thought it was a little strange!

 

My family (I mean my siblings and parents) have slowly gotten better at it, and we now give each other awkward hugs when we haven't seen each other for a long time, or if we're leaving for a long time.  :)

 

My own children are a mix.  Some are more touchy-feely and others are not, at all.  They are all happy, loving individuals.  The touch part is irrelevant.

 

Sorry your husband doesn't understand that though.  I agree with another poster and just tell everyone you probably have a sensory disorder.  :)

 

[mommymilkies]

You've described me exactly - including my husband feeling rejected.  Mine is very emotionally needy and my dislike of touching causes friction in our marriage.  He thrives on PDAs and I cringe from them.  Sigh.  yup, definitely made to feel like it's all my fault...but that's also part of the way I grew up too.

 

I've always just assumed it was because this was how my family culture was when I was growing up,  abuse as a child, and my experience with maternal rejection.    When my kids were younger it was very easy to be touchy-feely with them (I did not want to be like my mom :closedeyes: )..but it's hard with adults. 

 

Ugh.  Me, too.  I am NOT touchy feely and hate PDAs.  Poor dh.  My family is much more touchy feely than I am, and I relent when I'm with them-hugs, kisses.  That doesn't bother me too much when visiting.  Getting kissed 100 times a day or constant touching is just too much, though.  I know once my kids are toddlers, this gets to gnaw on me.  I still give hugs and kisses, but I do appreciate getting my personal space back.  :lol:   My exception to this is massages or back scratches.  I crave deep pressure and love being scratched.  Light touch flips my sensory system, though. 

I don't know about sensory disorders, but try reversing the situation:  If the entire family was a very formal, hands-off non-huggy family, would they try to make the HuggyBear who married into the family feel like a perv?

 

Same with shouty-loud families and the QuietOne.  Or the Sportsy Families and the ArtsyOne. Nobody is bad, just different.

Why would they make them feel like a perv?  It is a good idea for any person to learn personal space, though.  Personal space should be respected and if they refuse to do so, then that would obviously make people feel weird.  Even touchy feely people have limits. ;)

 

 

I'm not huggie, either. I hate people reading over my shoulder, too. And I, too, have the same issues with my dh. It frustrates me, but I always thought that's just the way I am.

 

I have no tolerance for reading over my shoulder.  Dh knows it's the fastest way to tick me off.  My step-dad was very weird about it and I'd get in trouble for it.  I must have picked it up there because it totally wigs me out to have someone read behind me. 

[Gentlemommy]

I'm like that op. Down to marrying into a very touchy, feely, emotional family. I can be rather stoic, preferring to 'feel the feels' by myself or with only my very closest people. I also do not like hugging, aside from my kids. I don't think I have a disorder, it's just my (strong) personal preference. My hubby is the polar opposite. In fact, when we see my friends, he will go right up and hug them, and I'll hang back lol. He's a very warm person, whereas it am not quite so much.

[Rebel Yell]

Rebel Yell, on 02 Oct 2014 - 10:09 AM, said:

I don't know about sensory disorders, but try reversing the situation:  If the entire family was a very formal, hands-off non-huggy family, would they try to make the HuggyBear who married into the family feel like a perv?

 

Same with shouty-loud families and the QuietOne.  Or the Sportsy Families and the ArtsyOne. Nobody is bad, just different.

Why would they make them feel like a perv?  It is a good idea for any person to learn personal space, though.  Personal space should be respected and if they refuse to do so, then that would obviously make people feel weird.  Even touchy feely people have limits. ;)

 

 

My apologies- I could have phrased it better- I was just going by the OP's statement I...have been made to feel like there is something wrong with me because if it.

 

And also by what I've experienced in non-physically-demonstrative families- a little girl hugging a beloved uncle was told she was dirty and "Always hanging on men."  But even with a better word that my foggy brain still can't come up with, when you reverse the situation, the HuggyBear isn't "bad" in the "Aloof" family- but may be perceived as such. No matter which way it is, it always stinks fot the "different" one in a family that is very similar in style.

 

Ask me how I know this. :crying:

[Hypatia.]

I'm the same way.  I have sensory issues, I'm sensory defensive (and so is DD1).  I've never been a hugger, and I do best when I have plenty of personal space.  I don't know how my husband's family feels about that as we rarely see them.  I know it's caused big problems in previous relationships, when one family member was a constant hugger and I just couldn't handle it.

 

Now DS2, he's a sensory seeker.  And a petter.  His lovey?  Me.  It used to be my chest, shortly after he weaned, now it's my arm.  He'll come up constantly and just start petting my arm, these soft light strokes that can quickly make me want to crawl out of my skin.  It's challenging trying to find a balance where he doesn't feel rejected but I don't feel like I'm going to snap.

[PrincessMommy]

Ugh.  Me, too.  I am NOT touchy feely and hate PDAs.  Poor dh.  My family is much more touchy feely than I am, and I relent when I'm with them-hugs, kisses.  That doesn't bother me too much when visiting.  Getting kissed 100 times a day or constant touching is just too much, though.  I know once my kids are toddlers, this gets to gnaw on me.  I still give hugs and kisses, but I do appreciate getting my personal space back.  :lol:   My exception to this is massages or back scratches.  I crave deep pressure and love being scratched.  Light touch flips my sensory system, though. 

Why would they make them feel like a perv?  It is a good idea for any person to learn personal space, though.  Personal space should be respected and if they refuse to do so, then that would obviously make people feel weird.  Even touchy feely people have limits. ;)

 

 

 

I have no tolerance for reading over my shoulder.  Dh knows it's the fastest way to tick me off.  My step-dad was very weird about it and I'd get in trouble for it.  I must have picked it up there because it totally wigs me out to have someone read behind me. 

 

I wonder what it is about that because I am the same way.  I like back scratches - although not light...and enjoy a good deep massage.  Yes, light touch just makes my skin crawl...and lately my husband has been given to lightly brushing his fingers across my back as he walks by me at the computer.   He was deeply offended when I complained.   In his defense, how do you tell someone that they're creeping you out without offending them? 

[Stacia]

If you'd like to read about it, I liked much of this book: Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Loud-Bright-Fast-Tight-Overstimulating/dp/0060932929/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412229581&sr=1-1&keywords=too+loud+too+bright+too+fast+too+tight

 

Thanks for this recommendation. The description of the book makes me think it's describing me ("Symptoms include flinching from touch; overly acute senses of smell"...). I've learned to adapt (for the most part) since I'm an adult & have dealt with this all my life, but the book looks like it might teach me some new tricks, so I definitely want to check it out.

 

Growing up, my mom & sister always joked that I had dog's hearing (meaning I could hear things too well -- stuff from very far away, as well as thinking almost everything is too loud) & the smelling capabilities of a dog too (as opposed to my mom, who has practically no sense of smell). My mom always said she felt like she missed out on a lot by not being able to smell much, but once I started mentioning things (good smells AND bad smells), she realized there might be a lot more bad smells out there than good ones (& that maybe she wasn't missing so much after all). Lol. I don't like to be touched or having people in my personal space either. Thankfully my children were not screamers or I would currently (still) be locked in a (hopefully quiet) room with padded walls. I think silence is totally underrated in today's society & I mourn its passing.

 

My sis keeps telling me that if she ever wins the lottery, she's going to buy me a sensory deprivation chamber. (I keep hoping she'll win! :lol: )

[chefwife8]

My daughter does have sensory processing disorder, and that is one of the symptoms, but it is just one. She has always had sensory issues, but at home she had learned to deal with some of them. The problems came when I noticed she was avoiding more and more situations, and I was concerned that she was going to miss out on many worthwhile things (driving, relationships, intimacy were a few).

 

She went through a few months of occupational therapy last summer, at age 17/18, and it helped her a lot. As an adult, she was able to see how her sensitivities were affecting her ability to function in the big world (which was about to get a whole lot bigger as she was about to go off to college), so she was totally committed to her therapy. She was able to work through many of her issues, and learned strategies to deal with those she will probably carry for a long time to come.

 

She learned the term "sensory defensive". I believe it means the same thing as SPD, but it is easier for her to share with people in stimulating situations/environments. She has no trouble saying, "Sorry, I'm sensory defensive, and it's just too loud/crowded/bright/fast/touchy-feely here. I'm having trouble dealing with such-and-such. Can we go outside?" Other times, she'll coach herself through uncomfortable situations. She still avoids unnecessary stimulation if possible.

 

If you think you might benefit from occupational therapy, I'd seek it out. The OT gave dd a computerized quiz, about 200 questions, to help determine which types of sensory issues she had, then tailored her therapy just for her. They treated her as an adult, with respect and dignity.

 

If you'd like to read about it, I liked much of this book: Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Loud-Bright-Fast-Tight-Overstimulating/dp/0060932929/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412229581&sr=1-1&keywords=too+loud+too+bright+too+fast+too+tight

 

They have this book at my library just put a hold on it. Looking at some of the other symptoms sounds like me. My family tease me that I have the nose of a blood hound, bright lights really bother me can't wait to read this book

[Garga]

My Dh's family isn't touchy, but my DH's love language is clearly Physical Touch. O, help me! I'm like you, OP. I've been married 22 years and it keeps coming up over and over as a topic of tension. I have to deliberately make a point of touching him throughout the day--the back of his hand, patting his shoulder, etc. It is not natural to me. When he hugs me, I've seen in a mirror that he gives a goofy little smile and closes his eyes and looks soooo happy, so I try to accommodate his need for hugs and pats.

 

However, this thread is interesting because I hate, hate, hate noise. And I've been complaining about my son's bed lamp being entirely too bright. I can't stand the feel of breezes on my skin and I'm a picky eater and I can smell bad breath from 10 feet away and it bothers me a lot. I'm always sending the kids off to brush their teeth after drinking milk--yuck!

 

I think my dad has Aspergers. I wonder if I inherited a tiny bit of the sensory stuff??

[*Inna*]

Thank you for the book recommendation!

 

To the OP - I could have written your post. The whole touch thing has actually brought a lot of strife into our marriage. My husband felt deeply rejected by me not willing to touch and receive touch as often as he needed. It took a lot of serious talking and vulnerability for us to understand each other. The Five Love Languages book was an eye opener.

 

So, I've decided that I'm going to learn and to be fluid in his language, just like I learned English.

I look at it as me expressing my love to him in the best way he could understand.

 

It was hard in the beginning, but I've learned to enjoy it. The whole thing has actually sparked our interest in massage and trigger point therapy, for a great benefit for both of us, as well for our friends and family.

 

In return, I enjoy him speaking Quality Time. :)

 

I do think I have sensory issues, noise especially and crowds.