Explaining Classical education to an unschooled kid

[MistiDelaney]

Hey everyone. 

 

I could use some help coming up with the right words.

 

My son's best friend since he was 2, is from an unschooling family.  We, needless to say, are classically oriented.

 

Over the years, our young friend has had questions about why we do education differently in our family than his family does it.  When the children were younger, a simple "different families have different ways of doing things" seemed to settle the question.

 

Now, however, it has become clear that that our young friend is becoming concerned that Caboose Boy is being subjected to something akin to "educational abuse".  Our young friend would not be at all interested in hitting the books regularly and studying things that may not be of immediate interest to him, so he can't imagine that Caboose Boy is happy to study for three hours per day and to learn about a broad array of subjects. 

 

I am convinced that unschooling is exactly right for our friends' family...just as classical is for ours.  But I can't figure out how to explain our interest in classical education without saying something that might be inadvertently offensive to him or his mother by making negative comparisons.  I think I am partly too close to the situation and maybe a tad defensive.  (Because I do believe that unschooling can be a remarkable success for the right family.)

 

Does anyone have any ideas for an explanation that might help our young friend understand the different isn't bad and that classical can be as much fun as unschooling, for the right person?

 

 

[jhschool]

We switched from unschooling to WTM because it was clear to me

DS wouldn't get into any good universities with our previous method.

 

Do I think a good university is necessary for happiness--no.

But that is what DS wants, so WTM is what is necessary.

 

I'm not sure I'm any help.

 

Hm...maybe you could say:  "we really love learning about ..." and "we really love

studying."  But maybe they would get mad because they might think

you're implying they don't love it.

 

DS is quite happy by the way.  He misses the freedom of unschooling

but actually really loves learning all the new stuff!

[MistiDelaney]

Thanks, jhschool.  You may be onto something...

 

"There are so many cool things to know about, and we want to learn about them all" ... maybe that's a place to start. 

[Catwoman]

I don't think you're going to be able to convince an unschooled 11yo boy that classical education is a good thing, so my best suggestion would be to stick to the party line of "we do things differently, and different methods work for different families" explanation. If he asks a lot of questions, invite him over for the day to be a "guest student" so he can see you in action (and make sure you're doing very cool stuff that day!)

 

I think it's admirable that you're not one of those moms who thinks her way is the only way, and that you're concerned about coming across the wrong way when you talk about classical education. :)

[Lieutenant Stranger]

Well, the thought of a couple hours of schooling being "educational abuse" rubs me the wrong way. (Not aimed at you, OP!)

 

Perhaps give food as an example. Some people are vegetarian, some omnivores, some never, ever eat their veggies, while others are on strict (gluten-free or nut-free) diets for health reasons. They're all trying to feed themselves and keep their bodies healthy, but different people have different ways of doing so. 

 

You could probably also use the same analogy, but maybe with travel. You can ride a bus, plane, car, train, or pogo-stick to Grandma's house. They're just all different ways of getting to the same destination. There are pros and cons to every way. 

[swellmomma]

I still stick with different things for different families line.  The one family where the kids questioned it the most the mom does say outright that using any form of curriculum is intentionally crushing a child's soul and to do anything that wasn't requested directly by the child is abuse.  (Then again she has told bottle feeding moms to their faces they are abusing their babies by slowly killing them with poison and told people who circ they should be charged with sexual abuse-and no we are not friends anymore).  He is getting his ideas on it from his parents.  We deal with thoughts from children of psers who previously were fine with the different things for different families and now instead spout the crap their parents feed them.  How my kids will never graduate because they aren't in school, or how teaching anything outside of the provincial curriculum is abuse (but that's okay because teaching the provincial curriculum is apparently abuse according to those who follow a different method and any direct teaching is abuse according to the unschoolers... I just don't care)

 

 

[MistiDelaney]

Thanks, everyone! 

 

Catwoman, I agree.  I am never going to actually convince him.  I think I am more concerned that my son has an advocate when this starts. Our young friend has very occasionally sat in on study time, so he knows more or less what that is about.  Thanks.  I think we are all convinced out way is best, but I am old enough to understand that I can't expect everyone to agree with me.  :p

 

(That, and I long ago saw an unschooled boy go from zero math beyond simple addition to MIT-ready in six months when he decided to be an engineer.  I know it can work well.)

 

Lieutenant, Yeah, since we are basically giving Caboose Boy the education we expected to get when we bravely marched off to kindy, the idea of study as "abuse' is pretty mystifying to me, too.  But there you go. This family is also very "media oriented", where we don't own a TV and see movies once or twice a year.  Different strokes.  The food example is a good one - and very applicable - except that I suspect that our young friend also suspects us of dietary abuse because Caboose Boy eats what's in front of him, and that is 90% vegetables.  :p (We're ancestral eaters, so no mac and cheese or pizza for us.)  Maybe I'll stick with the travel idea.  ;)

 

Brandy, oh!  I have met that woman!  (Well, or maybe her sister.)  Fun, isn't she?  It's most annoying when you generally agree with her PoV and she goes around making the rest of us look like kooks!  :o

 

I only really care because this lad is our son's best friend, and very opinionated.  I want my son to feel that he has an advocate, if you know what I mean.  Not that he has to face all this on his own.  (Not that he seems too disturbed.  He likes our style of education because he likes knowing lots of stuff and he has started to catch classical references even in the popular young adult adventure fiction he reads way too much and it feels like he is "in the know".  :)

[Kebo]

I am a bit confused by this situation -- I'm sure it is much clearer from your side!

 

An unschooled child, who is essentially in charge of his own education/quest for knowledge, is asking someone with knowledge for more information .... and you are looking for ways to avoid giving it to him.

 

He doesn't sound fragile, and has in fact already shared his opinion this his style of learning is better. The boy may in fact be thinking ahead and wondering if he wants to study math, or music, or history (or whatever!) in order to further his future goals. While I would personally advise giving the information in a neutral manner (no hint of which style is "best"), I can't imagine he would be harmed by knowing why you value a classical education, and he may be helped if it motivates him to pursue more knowledge on his own.

 

I think the bigger question is whether it would harm your relationship with his mother, as parents can be very defensive about their choices.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I am a bit confused by this situation -- I'm sure it is much more clear from your side!

 

An unschooled child, who is essentially in charge of his own education/quest for knowledge, is asking someone with knowledge for more information .... and you are looking for ways to avoid giving it to him.

 

He doesn't sound fragile, and has in fact already shared his opinion this his style of learning is better. The boy may in fact be thinking ahead and wondering if he wants to study math, or music, or history (or whatever!) in order to further his future goals. While I would personally advise giving the information in a neutral manner (no hint of which style is "best"), I can't imagine he would be harmed by knowing why you value a classical education, and he may be helped if it motivates him to pursue more knowledge on his own.

 

I think the bigger question is whether it would harm your relationship to his mother, as parents can be very defensive about their choices.

 

Good thoughts.

 

He may sound judgy because you're a little defensive and he's a child without adult-level tact, but he might not mean to be judgy. Maybe he simply want to know what your kids are learning about and why.

 

My unschooled nieces enjoyed the conversation when they asked me similar questions and I answered them. I showed them some science and history books geared for grammar, logic, and rhetoric level learning, so they could see the increase in difficulty and how the knowledge and understanding were built to be able to move on to the next level. As unschoolers they were VERY familiar with books, of course, and they loved books. So to have somebody say, "They're reading this book now so they'll be able to read this book later," made perfect sense and answered their curiosity just fine.

 

They are going through the same processes less formally, naturally, because people do just advance in what they are learning. Right? But they didn't recognize the learning process wrapped in our more formal style until I spelled it out.

 

Concerning Latin, formal English grammar, or other academic pursuits that are not in themselves parallel to what my nieces are learning, I chose to draw a comparison another way. I told them these were topics my kids want to study because 1. they enjoy learning it now, and 2. it will help them with other interests later on, and I asked them what they are working on as part of a larger goal. Being humans they totally understood that. One was studying embroidery stitches because she had plans to take her sewing skills to another level eventually...

 

I guess I'm saying we can drop the condescension (you aren't meaning to be condescending; you want to see their schooling method as valid) but it is still condescending if you think your child is learning but the other child isn't, and you can't explain diligent and intentional learning to him without hurting his mother's feelings. See what I mean?

 

All children learn. Ask him how he learns and acknowledge the validity of his education, and then show him what your child does to reach his goals.

[QuirkyKapers]

This may not be helpful but maybe talk about the three stages of learning.  First, when learning a new subject everyone has to learn the grammar.  They need to know all the basics, the nitty gritty of a subject.  The definition and what makes up the parts of what is being learning.  This is when lots of questions are asked for information gathering. Second, is the dialetic.  This is when you know about a subject and can start to think about how it relates to other things: how is it similiar or different than x?  Digging deeper and having your own questions with parts that don't add up and making connections among different pieces of information that do match up.  The last is rhetoric.  This is when you know about a subject so well, you can put it in your own words and tell others about it.  If there are questions, they can be answered.    This is probably overly simplistic.  However, he may see that he is doing all of those things or seek to implement that into his learning. 

[MistiDelaney]

Thank you Kebo, Tibbie, and Quirky.  Your thoughts have all been *very* helpful.  

 

Yes, there is some danger to the relationship with his mother, I suppose.  But since I am the peripheral parent, not a terrible patient person, and anti-social, I expect it won't be devastating.  She's actually my husband's friend more than mine, and unlike me, she is pretty easygoing.  ;)

 

Kebo, as Tibbie has pointed out, it's not so much that I don't want to share with him - it's that I know there is a danger of sounding condescending, even though I don't mean to. That's why I turned to y'all.  II needed a stepladder to see outside my own walls, because we all think the way we think until we can get a good look at how other people think.  ;)  You folks have helped me to reframe the question in ways that help me to see our answer from his point of view.  That's extremely valuable!  Thank you!  I like QuirkyKapers ideas for explaining the trivium, too, to help him see how what we do reflects what we do.

[justasque]

I don't think WTM and unschooling are mutually exclusive.  Some kids have certain goals (college, certain careers, etc.) and want to work towards them, and thus are willing to do a certain amount of academic-style work to get there.  There's nothing, IMHO, not-unschooly about using a textbook if a child wants to.  

So it might be possible to push a little around the edges of the assumptions in pitting WTM as something different than unschooling.  

If, for example, you want to learn something like French or math, it's not a bad idea to decide to work on it a little each day.  And there are textbooks and such that are carefully thought out to help you, by giving you small chunks to work on each day, with the small chunks carefully practicing and building on what you've learned before as you go along.  It is a certain amount of work for the student, yes, but you do tend to learn the material if you stick with it.  And if it's not working, or your goals change, you can stop or change materials.  

You, the mom, are helping the child to attain their goals by teaching the things the child needs to get where they want to be.

[Guest]

"I don't know enough to know what I want to know."

 

"I don't know what I'll want to know when I get older, so I'm learning all I can so I can keep the doors open."

 

"I want to know is what I want to know.  I don't know what that is yet."

 

Just a couple of thoughts.  If it were adults I'd have similar but more sophisticated answers.  

[Kebo]

Kebo, as Tibbie has pointed out, it's not so much that I don't want to share with him - it's that I know there is a danger of sounding condescending, even though I don't mean to. That's why I turned to y'all.

Yes, I see that now upon rereading your original post. You don't sounds at all condescending about unschooling to me in your post, and in fact acknowledge that it can be a great fit for some. Maybe you could expound upon that, and add why classical education is a great fit for your kids. Some people accomplish much more and are happier when organized and structured, and some are unhappy and stifled by it -- different styles for different personalities and different goals.

[La Texican]

Ask your son what he thinks. It's his friends idea. Say, son, what do you think about education, and your friends idea that I'm doing you wrong by teaching you stuff. Then you'll have a better idea of age appropriate concerns about education. It's a starting point for how you decide to answer. Instead of just trying to figure out what to say yourself, you'll hear what your child thinks the point is, and he's more at the same level of thinking as the other kid, just in a different program with a different perspective. Your son probably has some good ideas about the cost and benefit of the life he's living, and it's not saying one way is better than the other for everybody, but if you want to know about somebody's life ask the one who's living it. The other kid is not a parent to be making decisions for your son, but more pertinately, your sons friend is making judgments and assumptions about your sons life that your son may not agree is true. There's nothing wrong with a healthy debate, and it fits right in with a classical education anyway. It's an excellent time to guide them as they search in grey areas and respectfully debating, accepting and rejecting some of each others opinions on this subject, and still be friends and like each other. Of course, I can't imagine that your son would whole heartedly agree with his friend and want to throw away all the work he's done and change his life completely, but if he agrees with his friend a little bit, that's a great opportunity too- that your son is starting to think about taking ownership of his own life and his own education, and find his own passion. Cue the mom talk about responsibility and what it would take from him for you to give him more freedom, ownership, and responsibility. Sorry for the stream of consciousness poorly formatted reply, but I thought this was such and interesting scenerio and exciting opportunity that I had to answer, but I'm on my phone since my kid's using my tablet, so I don't have my notepad to proofread and edit my reply on.

[marbel]

I don't think I'd engage an 11-year-old boy (am I right that he's 11?  Not sure where I got that as it is not in the OP and I can't see a sig if there is one) who was questioning my educational philosophy.   I'd talk to my own kid and ask him how he feels about his friend questioning, and let the two boys talk it out.   If your son wants you to talk to his friend, of course you want to honor that, but you don't owe anyone an explanation of what you're doing.  I think if you swapped out "mother in law" for "son's friend" in your OP, people would be telling you she needs to mind her own business.

 

I'd be mortified if one of my kids questioned another mom about the way she is choosing to educate her children.  I'm not sure but I don't think it would occur to them to do so. 

[HS Mom in NC]

Classical Education is about preserving the best ideas of Western Thought (and possibly other regions) by using The Great Books and First Source Materials. It's about familiarizing a child with the basics of all of history and science by doing them at all 3 stages of The Trivium.  It's about mastering the most important skills to prepare them for all the different possibilities in adult life so no matter which route (s)he chooses, (s)he's got a solid foundation by focusing on  Latin and Greek Roots or the languages, math mastery, etc.   It's about teaching a child to think critically and deeply about the greatest ideas humanity has had so far by using First Source materials, Great Books and Formal Logic. It's about giving them the whole world and the lay of the land so they can be exposed to things that will peak their interests and make them aware of the world around them.

[albeto.]

Hey everyone. 

 

I could use some help coming up with the right words.

 

My son's best friend since he was 2, is from an unschooling family.  We, needless to say, are classically oriented.

 

Over the years, our young friend has had questions about why we do education differently in our family than his family does it.  When the children were younger, a simple "different families have different ways of doing things" seemed to settle the question.

 

Now, however, it has become clear that that our young friend is becoming concerned that Caboose Boy is being subjected to something akin to "educational abuse".  Our young friend would not be at all interested in hitting the books regularly and studying things that may not be of immediate interest to him, so he can't imagine that Caboose Boy is happy to study for three hours per day and to learn about a broad array of subjects. 

 

I am convinced that unschooling is exactly right for our friends' family...just as classical is for ours.  But I can't figure out how to explain our interest in classical education without saying something that might be inadvertently offensive to him or his mother by making negative comparisons.  I think I am partly too close to the situation and maybe a tad defensive.  (Because I do believe that unschooling can be a remarkable success for the right family.)

 

Does anyone have any ideas for an explanation that might help our young friend understand the different isn't bad and that classical can be as much fun as unschooling, for the right person?

 

In what way is his concern with "educational abuse" becoming clear? Does he make statements to you? To your son? Does he make snide comments, or roll his eyes when someone references a classical approach? I swear to all the gods, I'm not trying to sound defensive or frustrated and I'm afraid that in my lack of energy, I will fail to be sufficiently diplomatic, but I'm not sure why he needs to be convinced of anything, much less the idea one way is best for you one way is best for him. Most 11 year olds are concerned with seeking pleasure and avoiding punishment (heck, we all are, at every age, it's how the brain is wired). If he's concerned your son is being punished in some way (this idea of negligence), why not ask him what he means? Find out what he's thinking for sure rather than make assumptions.

 

If you talk to him as an equal conversational partner, rather than a parent/adult/authority/mentor to child/student/apprentice, then you might have a fantastically interesting conversation with him. If you try and teach him a lesson ("Classical education works by XYZ, and is beneficial for many reasons..."), then he might think you're patronizing him, or opening this up for a formal debate, or even trying to justify something that is ethically wrong. My kids would anyway. If someone has a question, I think a direct, honest answer is good, and sometimes you need to find out more by asking him questions. Anyway, for whatever reason I'm getting the impression you're looking for a "useful script" to use to make a persuasive argument. I dunno, that's weird to me because I don't talk with my kids or their friends that way. It's more... formal? Less honest in that you see this opportunity to fulfill a service, an agenda, rather than a casual, friendly conversation between friends. 

 

Maybe just pick his brain a little instead trying to teach it, kwim? But maybe I'm misunderstanding, and my apologies if I am. (ETA, I wonder if I'm getting this impression from replies, not from the OP, in any case, I don't mean to step on any toes)

[KungFuPanda]

How about "I want to be prepared for college and not have my future limited by what interested me as a child. I've decided I need to know XYZ to keep my options open. Working backwards from that goal, I need to follow a plan because knowing XYZ doesn't happen accidentally or at the last minute."

[zoobie]

Offer to loan him your copy of WTM. :)

[MistiDelaney]

Thank you so much everyone!  :)  This is turning out to be a far more interesting conversation than I had expected!  :)

 

 

In what way is his concern with "educational abuse" becoming clear? Does he make statements to you? To your son? Does he make snide comments, or roll his eyes when someone references a classical approach? I swear to all the gods, I'm not trying to sound defensive or frustrated and I'm afraid that in my lack of energy, I will fail to be sufficiently diplomatic, but I'm not sure why he needs to be convinced of anything, much less the idea one way is best for you one way is best for him. Most 11 year olds are concerned with seeking pleasure and avoiding punishment (heck, we all are, at every age, it's how the brain is wired). If he's concerned your son is being punished in some way (this idea of negligence), why not ask him what he means? Find out what he's thinking for sure rather than make assumptions.

 

If you talk to him as an equal conversational partner, rather than a parent/adult/authority/mentor to child/student/apprentice, then you might have a fantastically interesting conversation with him. If you try and teach him a lesson ("Classical education works by XYZ, and is beneficial for many reasons..."), then he might think you're patronizing him, or opening this up for a formal debate, or even trying to justify something that is ethically wrong. My kids would anyway. If someone has a question, I think a direct, honest answer is good, and sometimes you need to find out more by asking him questions. Anyway, for whatever reason I'm getting the impression you're looking for a "useful script" to use to make a persuasive argument. I dunno, that's weird to me because I don't talk with my kids or their friends that way. It's more... formal? Less honest in that you see this opportunity to fulfill a service, an agenda, rather than a casual, friendly conversation between friends. 

 

Maybe just pick his brain a little instead trying to teach it, kwim? But maybe I'm misunderstanding, and my apologies if I am. (ETA, I wonder if I'm getting this impression from replies, not from the OP, in any case, I don't mean to step on any toes)

 

Albeto, you had some questions, so I am quoting you here to make sure I get them all.  :)  Your comments have been very helpful to me in helping to frame what I might say.  Tahnk you.

 

Our young friend's concern is expressed in the anxious way he asks my son "you have to do all that?  Every day?" and then looks at me as though he's afraid.  I am not sure why it upsets him, so I interpret it as concern that I am enslaving my son.  (He has used the word slavery several times in his last few visits.)  Maybe he;s just afraid his own mother will get ideas.  ;)

 

Most of his remarks are to my son, but they are not pointed.  This child has no filter  If it crosses his mind, out it comes.  That's why his concern concerns me - he seems really anxious and it seems to cross his mind on every visit to our house.  I don't feel I "have to convince him" or defend myself.  But I would like to ease his mind by helping him see why perseverance may be worthwhile and isn't the same thing as slavery even if it isn't the right approach for everyone.  ;)

 

My son is, for the moment, 100% behind our methods.  He has a say in what subjects he wants to add to his studies, and we are always open to replacing materials that really aren't working for him.  We are also open about what we are trying to accomplish, and as much as possible the whole family participates in lessons. (Dad and I also want to know this stuff, and we all get into some great conversations about it all.)  He mainly rolls his eyes when the subject comes up with his friend, but he has also expressed frustration that he doesn't know how to explain, either.  "That's how we do it" hasn't really explained anything.

 

I think your mind works differently to mine, Albeto.  :)  I rehearse all kinds of conversations if they are worth the effort.  I can write about almost anything, but I am very bad at conversation and really need a loose script to get through an important conversation .  My mind works too slowly.  As an example, when our young friend says something, it generally takes me an hour or more to think it through and come up with something to say in response -  by which time, being 11, the boys have forgotten all about it and are off raising a rumpus elsewhere.  And it can take days to figure out what I really want to say.  (I'm even worse at small talk. I have been in the same job, with the same people, for 15 years, and it's only in the last couple of years that I have figured out how to banter with them.)  As you might guess, my husband is incredibly patient.

 

Hearing all of these reactions from you folks lets me really think through what I want to say should this ever come up again, and how to phrase it so that it conveys what I mean.  Then, if it comes up again, I have an answer and some questions at the ready and I can converse with the lad like a real human.  ;)

 

Again, thank you all.  I have really enjoyed hearing everyone's ideas and reactions!  :)

 

[Katy]

I think I'd address it with the freedom now or freedom later approach.   ie: friend has more freedom now than your son, but if he gets interested in something challenging in life that would require a broad education, then he would need to buckle down and do a lot of hard work later.  Your son has less freedom now, he's getting a very deep and broad education, and if he chooses to to something challenging (ie: become a doctor or engineer or pilot or whatever it is that fascinates the boys the most), then your son already has a lot of that education done to get good test scores and do well in those college courses.  Your son has less freedom now but will have more freedom later.

 

If he argued much about that I might say something about neuroplasticity, depending on how intellectually bent the kid is.

 

If it seemed AT ALL that he was worried that his education wasn't good enough, I might just say "here's the book that convinced me this was the right course for our family.  You can borrow it if you want to," and then I'd call his mom and give her a heads up that he was asking about your schooling methods so you loaned him a book and you just wanted to give her a heads up because you didn't want her to feel ambushed.

[albeto.]

Thank you so much everyone!  :)  This is turning out to be a far more interesting conversation than I had expected!  :)

 

 

 

Albeto, you had some questions, so I am quoting you here to make sure I get them all.  :)  Your comments have been very helpful to me in helping to frame what I might say.  Tahnk you.

 

Our young friend's concern is expressed in the anxious way he asks my son "you have to do all that?  Every day?" and then looks at me as though he's afraid.  I am not sure why it upsets him, so I interpret it as concern that I am enslaving my son.  (He has used the word slavery several times in his last few visits.)  Maybe he;s just afraid his own mother will get ideas.  ;)

 

Most of his remarks are to my son, but they are not pointed.  This child has no filter  If it crosses his mind, out it comes.  That's why his concern concerns me - he seems really anxious and it seems to cross his mind on every visit to our house.  I don't feel I "have to convince him" or defend myself.  But I would like to ease his mind by helping him see why perseverance may be worthwhile and isn't the same thing as slavery even if it isn't the right approach for everyone.  ;)

 

My son is, for the moment, 100% behind our methods.  He has a say in what subjects he wants to add to his studies, and we are always open to replacing materials that really aren't working for him.  We are also open about what we are trying to accomplish, and as much as possible the whole family participates in lessons. (Dad and I also want to know this stuff, and we all get into some great conversations about it all.)  He mainly rolls his eyes when the subject comes up with his friend, but he has also expressed frustration that he doesn't know how to explain, either.  "That's how we do it" hasn't really explained anything.

 

I think your mind works differently to mine, Albeto.  :)  I rehearse all kinds of conversations if they are worth the effort.  I can write about almost anything, but I am very bad at conversation and really need a loose script to get through an important conversation .  My mind works too slowly.  As an example, when our young friend says something, it generally takes me an hour or more to think it through and come up with something to say in response -  by which time, being 11, the boys have forgotten all about it and are off raising a rumpus elsewhere.  And it can take days to figure out what I really want to say.  (I'm even worse at small talk. I have been in the same job, with the same people, for 15 years, and it's only in the last couple of years that I have figured out how to banter with them.)  As you might guess, my husband is incredibly patient.

 

Hearing all of these reactions from you folks lets me really think through what I want to say should this ever come up again, and how to phrase it so that it conveys what I mean.  Then, if it comes up again, I have an answer and some questions at the ready and I can converse with the lad like a real human.  ;)

 

Again, thank you all.  I have really enjoyed hearing everyone's ideas and reactions!  :)

 

Ah, I see. This is helpful clarification. In this case, I'd suggest to your son to just say, "I don't mind," and move on. I wouldn't take the big shocked eyes as indicative that the friend really thinks you're legitimately enslaving your son with schoolwork, but rather an 11 year old "I can't believe it" kind of thing. Kids make the same reaction when they hear how long a Bar Mitzvah service is or that kids in China never grow up with presents from Santa, kwim? I wouldn't worry about this to the extent you seem to be concerned, and "I don't mind" with a smile is as good as any vague reply that basically conveys the fact that it's truly no big deal for your son. He's not actually oppressed by some monstrous workload, which if this is the concern of his friend, would be alleviated. 

 

Besides, I think this is a good opportunity for your son to learn and practice offering practical arguments. If you step in, take that opportunity away from your son. If he doesn't argue his point sufficiently, no big loss - they're still friends and there will be time to clarify. No one passes the first Real World Test anyway, so this is as good an opportunity as any to start with. You might think of it as a lesson in Logic: World Application, or something. ;-)

[HS Mom in NC]

The more I think about this situation, the more I wonder if the child is asking for information or reassurance.

 

Some kids are very inquisitive about everything around them.  Is he just wanting to know what Classical Education is like he might want to know what the mesosphere is, what an exoskeleton is, what Stoicism is, what the Declaration of Independence is....Is he just interested in the facts with no opinion or judgement behind it?  Is he doing a very typical unschooler thing, which is to hear about something and look more into it because he was temporarily interested in it? If so, then don't worry about it. Answer the questions asked.

Some kids (and let's face it, some parents) think that what works for them is the only way it could possibly be done and have very all or nothing, dramatic beliefs that no one could possibly thrive by doing something different.  I wouldn't spend a lot of time trying to appease this kind of person.  They think what they think and they're not looking for information or persuasion, they're using their questions as a springboard to tell you why they think you're doing it wrong.  Many of them have the zeal to save the world from itself and have to get the word out on how everyone can solve all their problems. So, answer their questions and let them think what they're going to think and don't let it bother you. 

I've known a lot of unschoolers.  I was part of a huge group (30+ families) for years.  (We're WTM/CM hybrids but my oldest had several friends in that group.) Most are perfectly reasonable, level headed folks who didn't worry about people who chose not to unschool.  A few were so insecure they couldn't hear a question about unwchooling without being immediately hurt and on the defensive. A few were sure any child not being unschooled their way (and there are different versions of unschooling) were condemned to have the life crushed out of them and they were doomed to be mindless, miserable drones.  I exaggerate only slightly. Is he being exposed to someone like this? Is his mom secure in her unschooling or is she fretting in front of her son about all the rigors your son is subjected to?  By the way, you can substitute the word "uschooler" in this paragraph with any other homeschooling approach or educational approach and it would be true.  There are just  those kinds of people out there.

You give your point of view, they give their point of view and that's just another day in a free society where individuals get to make their own choices. They think you're wrong.  They're entitled to think so. It may be time to teach this to your son.

I've had many a conversation over the years with my kids that went something like following.  I always maintain a very matter-of-fact, calm, normal chit chat tone of voice when it comes up.

 

Kid: "Mom, that person said homeschooling is stupid and I won't be able to learn enough without a real teacher."

Me:  "Yeah, a lot of people think that.  They're entitled to their opinions."

Kid: "But they're wrong. "

Me: "Yes, they're wrong and they're entitled to be wrong. What do we care if someone is wrong about something?  Are they in control of our homeschooling?"

Kid " No."
Me: "Then we don't have to worry about what they think about it-especially when they don't really know anything about homeschooling.  Even if they did, like I said, they're entitled to their opinions."

Sometimes kids want reassurance when they ask questions. Is there really some concern this kid has?  Does he really think your child is being abused?  Is he really worried you're making too many academic demands of your son or that his mother is making too few of him?  Is he really so concerned that your son has picked up on it and is feeling defensive about it?  While all these things are possible, I find it very unlikely.  I think kids make chit chat and compare notes on things like academics, chores, birthday party celebrations, religious views, what constitutes acceptable or unacceptable behavior and any related consequences and other such family culture issues as they spend time together.  They're just getting an idea of how they compare on these kinds of issues and if someone is getting things more the way they think they should be getting them.

[La Texican]

I'm like you that way, I think much better in writing than in talking. I'd reply to the slavery comment (after it came up several times, because I'm like that too). I'd say slaves aren't allowed to own anything or even stay with their own families. You're not treating your son like a slave because all the work he is doing is for his own future, not for yours. I'd also get snide and say, "You're wrong. Slaves are not allowed to get an education. They never have been. Part of the definition of slavery is that it's illegal for slaves to get an education, or stay with their own families, or buy their own property when they grow up". If I knew him really well and he was used to me I would start off saying (buzzer sound x) you're wrong, you're incorrect, you're mistaken, and then I'd say the part about what slavery means.

If his response sounds defensive about unschooling you can reassure him of his privileges that make his choice to unschool much more secure than a slaves life. America is the land of opportunity. If he can read and write and do basic math he can go to the library, which a slave never could. He has the right to work and pursue his happiness guaranteed by his birth. He has a family that loves him and keeps him healthy and helps him grow. That's more than any slave ever got.