s/o Acts of kindness, vulnerability, and how they went...

[Halftime Hope]

I have recently extended myself to several other people in acts of kindness that were outside the norm, but that were not extravagant in value ($$) in a way that would make the receiver feel obligated or anything.  Some of the kindness has been received with joy, other times not so much.  I feel badly that in some cases, the person receiving the kindness was not happy about it. 

 

I'm processing.  Anyone have similar stories to share?

 

TIA

[shanvan]

My mind is blank right now.  I have given away curriculum, expensive ice skates, clothing, just recently a very nice dressy outfit that Dd's friend could use.  All were received well.  We helped a woman at our old church get a kitten after her old cat died.  That was received well by her, but maybe not so well by other members of the church who felt she was too old to have a pet.  I've also done a lot of teaching free of charge.  I don't feel like any of those qualify for the types of things you are asking about though, and several recent threads have me thinking I'm not doing so well in that department.  

 

I was wondering if there would be any posts on this thread this morning.  It's interesting that overnight no one posted.  Are WTMers not performing acts of kindness?

[Rosie_0801]

The less people have, the more they need to hold onto their pride. Perhaps you need to be more ninja in your charitable efforts.  :ph34r:

(I always wanted to use that smilie.)

[shanvan]

The less people have, the more they need to hold onto their pride. Perhaps you need to be more ninja in your charitable efforts.  :ph34r:

(I always wanted to use that smilie.)

Okay, my sinuses have been hurting and I my mind is fuzzy.  I should get this, but I'm admitting I don't.  Please explain.

[marbel]

The less people have, the more they need to hold onto their pride. Perhaps you need to be more ninja in your charitable efforts.  :ph34r:

(I always wanted to use that smilie.)

 

 

Okay, my sinuses have been hurting and I my mind is fuzzy.  I should get this, but I'm admitting I don't.  Please explain.

 

People can sometimes get burned out by being an object of charity or what they perceive as charity.   So, sometimes it's better to give in secret to preserve people's pride.

 

For example... years ago I had a friend whose family went through a long period of unemployment. They weren't able to pay their bills. But it was difficult for them to accept help.  Rather than take bags of groceries, I left some grocery store gift cards on her doorstep when she wasn't home.  I called the electric company and made an anonymous "donation" toward her account.  (It was surprisingly easy to do; apparently that is not uncommon.)   It was easier for her to maintain our friendship because she didn't feel like a charity case.

 

At least, I think that's what Rosie means. 

 

But sometimes people are filling needs that don't exist.  When my mother died, a group at church wanted to bring us food.  That was nice, but it went on too long.  (My mother was 85 and her death was not completely unexpected.)  My family  needed to get back to our activities and being home for meal deliveries was hindering us. But the group leader would not let us cut off the food deliveries till everyone had brought something.  He said it was important for everyone's spiritual growth - both the people bringing food, and for ours in learning how to accept help.   Of course we were gracious when each dinner arrived, but it wasn't helpful to us.

 

As to the question of whether or not WTMers are performing acts of kindness, well, maybe people don't like to talk about that.

 

ETA: It is also hard to know what may make a person feel obligated.  Hard to put a time/dollar value on that, know what I mean?  

[Pawz4me]

I have recently extended myself to several other people in acts of kindness that were outside the norm, but that were not extravagant in value ($$) in a way that would make the receiver feel obligated or anything.  Some of the kindness has been received with joy, other times not so much.  I feel badly that in some cases, the person receiving the kindness was not happy about it. 

 

I'm processing.  Anyone have similar stories to share?

 

TIA

 

Can you further explain the "not happy about it" part?  Was the person(s) upset?  Angry?  Disappointed that your act of kindness wasn't more or greater?

 

Or did their level of gratitude just not seem . . . enough?

 

Some people are much more demonstrative than others.

 

Some people feel ashamed/embarrassed/whatever that they are in need of an act of kindness, and I think that can mute their "thankful" response.

[Halftime Hope]

These situations were not for people who were in need, so not charitable. 

 

The "extending myself" was different in each case, tailored appropriately to the person.  Some received it, some were uncomfortable, although that's a stronger word than what I observed.  It was just interesting, because I come from a culture of widespread generosity--so kindnesses have surrounded me throughout the years. 

 

I think in some cases, the receiver might have wondered what would be expected of them in return, i.e. what strings.  There were none in my expectation, and I had stated so from the get go. (It worked in context.)

 

I did not want them to be uncomfortable, and I think that is what happened in a couple of cases.  : ( 

 

 

[saraha]

:grouphug:

[LucyStoner]

I don't give anything to anyone unless I am willing to give up my expectations and ego in the gift. We give a lot, don't get me wrong, but I make sure I don't give anything that I feel ownership of once I give the gift.

 

Right now we have a relative in need of an attorney. It's important and needed (family law case with DV issues.) I waited to make the draw down of our funds until I knew that regardless of the outcome and impact, we would both still feel ok with the gift. It's a lot for us right now but kids and their safety comes first. But I also know that it is a gift, not something that I am in charge of once given.

[JustEm]

Many people are suspicious of people going out of their way to be helpful because of past experiences with people attaching strings to their "help" or "gifts."  I know for me there are people I will NEVER accept help you gifts from because of the conditions of said help.  But for most people I accept help if they offer it.  

[Halftime Hope]

Hkffkj, that's what I've been wondering if there is prior history that I'd have no way of knowing.  These were not helpful actions, nor charity, just human kindness, but while different, this kind of kindness is not entirely out of the norm in the lives of the other parties either.

 

I did not have any expectations for myself in return, except (and this is where I may have gone wrong) that I hoped it would make them happy.

 

For two of the people, it did have that effect, and that's what I need to remember.  I just don't want to be more cynical or cautious in the future.

 

I'm kinda sorry I brought it up on the boards since I really can't explain.  The other poster had such a positive response to her overture, her kindness. (And I thought what she did was simply wonderful!)  I was just wondering if anyone ever had a similar situation in which the kindness extended did not work out in the way hoped for.  

 

Thanks, everyone.

[myfunnybunch]

I am uncomfortable and a little awkward when people do things for me, especially if I am not sure if I can reciprocate. I don't know why I feel this way. For heaven's sake, a new friend bought me a cup of coffee twice in a row and I felt a little awkward accepting. I thoroughly enjoy helping and doing kindnesses for others, though. I didn't think twice about buying a cup if coffee for my friend later on, it was just a nice small thing to do for her. Maybe I feel weird because of family stuff, or because I feel like I don't deserve it, or I feel like they want something, or because it's more comfortable for me to be on the giving end??? Who knows?

 

I do try to be gracious and appreciative, don't get me wrong. But I can see someone feeling awkward and not covering it well, which might seem like they didn't appreciate the gesture.

 

Hugs. Thanks for being a kind person, that's important.

 

Cat

[plansrme]

Just want to say that I get what the OP is asking.  On a small scale, I have definitely made offers that were rebuffed or not well-received for what I consider no good reason.  And when your goal is to help someone, and you end up doing the opposite, it's kind of weird?  Uncomfortable?  This is a very small example, but at a 10 year olds' baseball game last fall, another mom was standing up, holding her 9'ish month old and trying to put a sock back on the baby.  She was clearly struggling, what with both hands being used to hold onto the baby and then needing both hands for the sock, so I stepped forward and said, "Can I help with the sock?"  She told me, in no uncertain terms, "No."  Well, umm, okay, then.  She knew who I was, but I had tried to talk to her before and not gotten much of a response, so maybe she just didn't like me, but she continued to struggle with the sock while I stood back and felt embarrassed that I had presumed that I could be of assistance.  Also, on a very, very crowded Disney hotel shuttle, I once offered my seat to a young mom who was walking with a cane and was standing right in front of me.  She said no and, again, actually acted insulted, so I was embarrassed that I had unintentionally called attention to her disability.  But we ended up being  on that bus for a good 30 minutes while it lurched and stopped and started, and she was clearly uncomfortable for at least the last 15 minutes.  I could tell because she was standing not 12" from me.  But after she had been kind of rude to me about it, I wasn't about to offer again.  

 

On the other hand, I tend to make grander gestures anonymously when possible, and I like those best of all.  We once anonymously sent money orders to a friend who had been unemployed for a long, long time, and we learned later that the infusion of cash at that moment had let them hold onto their house.  So that really made up for the sock and the bus seat.

 

OP, I don't know if that is what you're looking for, but I also struggle with the  conflict between my desire to be generous and helpful and my desire not to be humiliated for trying to be generous and helpful.  Not wanting to be humiliated is very different from wanting the recipient to be appropriately grateful. 

 

 

[AMJ]

I was wondering if there would be any posts on this thread this morning.  It's interesting that overnight no one posted.  Are WTMers not performing acts of kindness?

 

We are, but many of our acts of kindness can't be discussed in a forum due to privacy and other issues.

 

We are teaching our kids that charity begins at home, not because there aren't deserving individuals and organizations out there, but because there are too many to manage.  Additionally, before giving to organizations we are teaching them to look at the needs of family and close friends first, since it makes little financial sense to ignore the needs of those we know so that they rely on the organizations we would give money and volunteer time to.

 

Right now our circle of family and friends-who-are-chosen-family has plenty of opportunity for us to help, so that is where our time and resources go.  This doesn't mean we don't do things for other people, too, when an opportunity arises.  It just means we (unfortunately) don't have to go looking very far to find people who need assistance right now.

 

Even with (especially with?) family and close friends we do need to be very careful about the help we offer.  We have to be sensitive to the feelings of others, and not be pushy when they are reluctant to accept proffered help.  In one case DH and I stated quite baldly to one family member that we admire her tremendously for all that she has taken on (helping her own family), and we are here for her, to do anything we can for her.  But we won't push, don't want to interfere in her business, and will wait for her to ask.  She has gotten a lot more comfortable in asking us for help whenever she needs since we said that, and we like to think our help is reducing her stress level just a bit.

 

Unfortunately, sometimes the people we love most and want most to help don't want our help, or will only accept money.  I have an elder care issue in which this is the case; help I gave (that was specifically requested and then forgotten) was resented and refused, with a lot of verbal abuse to put me in my place.  The help I gave:  making a doctor appointment that the indivudual couldn't remember to get scheduled.  This same individual also did not take it well when I informed him that we could no longer afford to send him money when he was spending it on increasingly extravagant gifts for people (who never expected the gifts).

[AMJ]

Hkffkj, that's what I've been wondering if there is prior history that I'd have no way of knowing.  These were not helpful actions, nor charity, just human kindness, but while different, this kind of kindness is not entirely out of the norm in the lives of the other parties either.

 

I did not have any expectations for myself in return, except (and this is where I may have gone wrong) that I hoped it would make them happy.

 

For two of the people, it did have that effect, and that's what I need to remember.  I just don't want to be more cynical or cautious in the future.

 

I'm kinda sorry I brought it up on the boards since I really can't explain.  The other poster had such a positive response to her overture, her kindness. (And I thought what she did was simply wonderful!)  I was just wondering if anyone ever had a similar situation in which the kindness extended did not work out in the way hoped for.  

 

Thanks, everyone.

 

Sometimes the kindness's impact hits later on, or in ways the recipient has trouble processing.

 

I still remember something from many years ago.  I had worked ALL night at a thankless menial job, desperately needed to stop for groceries on the way home despite knowing it would ruin my chances at getting some sleep, fumbled things horribly in the store causing a mess for an employee to clean up, spilled my purse at the checkout counter, and in general was ready to tear into ANYONE who even looked cross-eyed at me.  The checkout clerk finished with the customer ahead of me and turned and gave me the most beautiful smile full of caring and warmth and a very lovely greeting, and suddenly all of the trouble and frustration and angst I had just melted away.  I had a good cry in the parking lot after that, went right to sleep after getting home, and called the store manager after I awoke to let him know how much that smile from his employee meant to me.

 

Ever since I have been trying to give smiles, and pleases and thank-yous, to every service individual I encounter.  I hold doors for people, and thank people clearly for curtisies shown to me whenever I can.

 

Oh, and here's a fun one:  we recently took a trip, during which I contracted a massive sinus infection and lost my voice.  During the return drive I ended up being the parent inside at a Subway trying to order sandwiches for the family to eat as we drove.  The employee was doing his best to understand my whispers (too hard to hear) and pointing, but we were both getting frustrated.  Then next customer came in, quickly realized the situation, and quite easily was able to "translate" for me to get the sandwiches ordered as desired.  It turns out his wife is deaf and mute, so he understood me quite well.

 

 

And sometimes people are just uncomfortable with surprises of any kind.

[AMJ]

Also, on a very, very crowded Disney hotel shuttle, I once offered my seat to a young mom who was walking with a cane and was standing right in front of me.  She said no and, again, actually acted insulted, so I was embarrassed that I had unintentionally called attention to her disability.  But we ended up being  on that bus for a good 30 minutes while it lurched and stopped and started, and she was clearly uncomfortable for at least the last 15 minutes.  I could tell because she was standing not 12" from me.  But after she had been kind of rude to me about it, I wasn't about to offer again.  

When I was in college not every building was yet adapted for mobility impaired people.  One building had the elevators near a side entrance that had no button to push for automatic opening, and a crooked and uneven sidewalk approaching said door.  One day I was approaching that door to enter the building when I saw a young man struggling to manuever his wheelchair up the walk without dumping his books off his lap.  I held the door open for him as he approached, and he stopped and glared at me.  He then proceeded through the door, but complained loudly to me while doing so that he does not need to be pitied by well-meaning idiots, then proceeded into the elevator.  I promptly blocked the elevator doors from closing, and let him know that I hold doors for ANYONE I see who has their hands full and I fully appreciate when others show me the same consideration.  Common curtesy is not pity, I said, and had the satisfaction of seeing the chagrined look on his face as I let the elevator doors close.  I guess he was in the wheelchair from an injury, and was still adjusting.

 

 

[plansrme]

 

I still remember something from many years ago.  I had worked ALL night at a thankless menial job, desperately needed to stop for groceries on the way home despite knowing it would ruin my chances at getting some sleep, fumbled things horribly in the store causing a mess for an employee to clean up, spilled my purse at the checkout counter, and in general was ready to tear into ANYONE who even looked cross-eyed at me.  The checkout clerk finished with the customer ahead of me and turned and gave me the most beautiful smile full of caring and warmth and a very lovely greeting, and suddenly all of the trouble and frustration and angst I had just melted away.  I had a good cry in the parking lot after that, went right to sleep after getting home, and called the store manager after I awoke to let him know how much that smile from his employee meant to me.

 

 

This reminded me of a similar kindness that was done to me over 16 years ago.  My now 16 yo was a newborn, and she was an AWFUL baby, especially for a first-time mom.  It is no coincidence that we adopted our second as a toddler.  But I digress. . ..  Anyway, she was a couple of weeks old, and I went to the grocery store because we were going to starve or I was going to go stark-raving mad from cabin fever.  I was trying to unload my groceries, and she was bawling (as usual), so I picked her up to calm her and was left with one hand to unload groceries onto the conveyor belt.  A woman from the next line came over and unloaded my groceries for me so I could use both hands to quiet my daughter.  She didn't ask; she just did it.  I nearly cried, and, obviously, I still remember her kindness.  I am sure she has no idea that I still remember that she saw a need and filled it.

[JustEm]

Another thing to consider is some people can perceive certain acts of kindness as a slight to them or rude purely for the fact that they think you only did it because of some disability they have.  So, if you offer your seat up to someone with a limp or a pregnant woman when there is a room full of people standing prior to them getting there they may feel you were being rude for assuming they needed the seat more than anyone else.  

 

I personally do not like being offered a seat while pregnant and usually graciously decline the seat or immediately offer it to someone who may be standing and has young children standing with them.  I don't get insulted but I can see how people might perceive it as such because it can appear that I was ungrateful towards their act of kindness.  The only reason I don't like it is because I feel that I'm no more in need of the seat than the person offering it to me simply because I'm pregnant, but I don't have hard painful pregnancies.