I'm Losing Patience with these Neighbors

[Jean in Newcastle]

Our neighbors love dogs.  I love dogs too.  But they love dogs enough to make themselves a nuisance over it, in my opinion.  My dogs have been taught not to bark - at least not more than a warning bark when someone actually comes to the house.  But one of my dogs does whine if he wants to come in.  He only whines if he can see us.  He seems to have object permanence issues - if we have company and can't let him in, we will pull the drapes and he will immediately stop because "they are gone"!

 

 Anyway, these neighbors are driving me crazy!  One of them came over and asked to take Libby for a walk.  Libby is disabled (hit by a car a couple of years ago).  I was very confused as to why someone would come and ask to walk MY dog, but I said, "Ok.  But you know she can't walk very far."  She came back in a couple of minutes and said "She was tired by the end of the block!"  Yeah, well, flopping on 3 legs is difficult.  Anyway, as she was handing Libby back to me, she saw my other dog and said "Oh, you have two dogs!  Maybe it was the other dog who was whining!"  So. . . the whole point of this was that she thought we were neglecting a dog and she was here to rescue her/him!

 

Since then, she's stopped me in my driveway to ask if my dogs were ok on multiple times.  I asked her point blank if they were bothering her.  Her answer was a shocked "Oh no!"  I've told her that we're doing fine, thank you and that we're taking care of them.  Last night she stopped me yet again and said "Is your dog ok?  I heard him whining."  I was a bit frosty as I said "I'm sure he heard us come home.  Of course, he's whining because he's excited to see us."  These people have dogs of their own, beagles who bay a lot, so it's not like they don't have their own dogs to love and take care of.  

 

I really don't want to be rude but I don't know how to make them back off, since I think I've been fairly clear that we have the situation well in hand.  

[Flowing Brook]

I can only offer hugs. I know the feeling. Daisy our standard poodle is very thin. We feed her anything she will eat and have had her at the vet to see if there was anything we could to to fatten her up.  We get comments all the time about how we should stop starving her.  I feel like having my vet write up a note on how Daisy is well taken care of and just a naturally thin dog.  This way I can show it to the people who are accusing us of starving her.

 

I think if you keep being pleasant and let the people pet your dogs and see them playing and you all interacting with them they will eventually back off and see the dogs are fine. A pain I know.  I hope your neighbors back off soon.

[Joanne]

Wow. The fact that she'd come over to walk your dog is a huge boundary issue. It shows you are dealing with a person who has atypical intuitive boundaries and communication skills (passive/aggressive).

 

I'd give up being "nice" and head towards firm and direct.

[zoobie]

Are they passive-aggressively trying to tell you the whining is bothering them? Or are they just weird?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Are they passive-aggressively trying to tell you the whining is bothering them? Or are they just weird?

I don't know.  I mean, I asked them if the whining is bothering them and they said no.  But they obviously hear it and it seems to cause them distress.  I think they perceive it as a sign of distress in the dog?  But the dog isn't distressed.  He whines to ask to come in . . . or he whines when he's excited . . . .or he whines when he wants to get us to play.  I try to respond right away if he whines so as to minimize visits from the neighbors but last night I was getting things out of the car and wasn't about to go rushing in just so that I could greet the dog right away and stop his whining.  As it was, it only took me minutes to clear out my backseat and go in.  Oh wait, I did stop and bring my garbage can up from the curb but again. . . that only took a few more minutes.  

[BrookValley.]

Are they passive-aggressively trying to tell you the whining is bothering them? Or are they just weird?

 

That is what I was wondering at first, but it seems like they may be worried about the dog's health and well-being, if I am reading it correctly? If that is the case, they should really have bothered to find out what the deal is with the dog before they decided to take it on themselves to "correct" the situation. :huh:   Also, IMO, it's no big deal for a dog to whine at the back door for a few minutes when it's excited--I don't see how making your dog wait to come inside when you get home is somehow mean or neglectful.

 

Anyway, if you've already been upfront about the fact that your dog is well-taken care of and is in no way suffering from being ignored every now and then, I'd be a bit more direct and tell them that, while you appreciate their concern, they need to knock it the blank-ity-blank off. I understand not wanting to be rude, but it's pretty rude to just barge in and try to commandeer someone's responsibilities to their pet.

[Flowing Brook]

That is what I was wondering at first, but it seems like they may be worried about the dog's health and well-being, if I am reading it correctly? If that is the case, they should really have bothered to find out what the deal is with the dog before they decided to take it on themselves to "correct" the situation. :huh:   Also, IMO, it's no big deal for a dog to whine at the back door for a few minutes when it's excited--I don't see how making your dog wait to come inside when you get home is somehow mean or neglectful.

 

Anyway, if you've already been upfront about the fact that your dog is well-taken care of and is in no way suffering from being ignored every now and then, I'd be a bit more direct and tell them that, while you appreciate their concern, they need to knock it the blank-ity-blank off. I understand not wanting to be rude, but it's pretty rude to just barge in and try to commandeer someone's responsibilities to their pet.

 

The reason I think this is dangerous is because if Jean gets rude to the people. They might take it as a sign she is abusing her dogs and call animal control on her. Opening a bigger set of headaches for her. People are getting quick to call authorities these days and people have to be careful. I know some people that lost their dog because it did not have a hair cut.  My sister had the police on her because her dog was out on the balcony of her apartment in the winter. Forget the fact the door was open and her dog could have come in at any time.

[elegantlion]

They'd have a heyday with the Bloodhound down the street that howls all the time. He howls when *I* come home. He's half a block away but hears my car door shut. DS remarked on this the other day. 

 

 

What should you do? I don't know. Dogs whine. 

[BrookValley.]

The reason I think this is dangerous is because if Jean gets rude to the people. They might take it as a sign she is abusing her dogs and call animal control on her. Opening a bigger set of headaches for her. People are getting quick to call authorities these days and people have to be careful. I know some people that lost their dog because it did not have a hair cut.  My sister had the police on her because her dog was out on the balcony of her apartment in the winter. Forget the fact the door was open and her dog could have come in at any time.

 

Well, I'm not suggesting that Jean go ballistic on them, I'm suggesting she be blunt. You can be both polite and blunt. I also cannot imagine living my life tiptoeing around others because they might develop some misguided perception of my character. Also, so what if they call animal control? She's not abusing her dog.

 

Of course, all that to say, only Jean can say what level Jean is comfortable taking this to. I do hear what you are saying.

[bolt.]

Could you "share an interesting article" (since you both love dogs) that explains whining as communication instead of just distress? Perhaps, in her dogs, that's a sound that means a great deal of distress, and she has just extended that understanding on to your dogs.

[zoobie]

I don't know. I mean, I asked them if the whining is bothering them and they said no. But they obviously hear it and it seems to cause them distress. I think they perceive it as a sign of distress in the dog? But the dog isn't distressed. He whines to ask to come in . . . or he whines when he's excited . . . .or he whines when he wants to get us to play. I try to respond right away if he whines so as to minimize visits from the neighbors but last night I was getting things out of the car and wasn't about to go rushing in just so that I could greet the dog right away and stop his whining. As it was, it only took me minutes to clear out my backseat and go in. Oh wait, I did stop and bring my garbage can up from the curb but again. . . that only took a few more minutes.

I'm sure you're not leaving them out there whining! Some people have unrealistic expectations about animals (and children). I'd tell them the dog is fine and whining is how he talks. Hopefully they'll get the hint sooner rather than later. Maybe also an attempt at a conversation starter?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm sure you're not leaving them out there whining! Some people have unrealistic expectations about animals (and children). I'd tell them the dog is fine and whining is how he talks Hopefully they'll get the hint sooner rather than later. Maybe also an attempt at a conversation starter?

I know you weren't suggesting that!  Dd says, "Mom is just venting about the neighbors again!"  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I'm not suggesting that Jean go ballistic on them, I'm suggesting she be blunt. You can be both polite and blunt. I also cannot imagine living my life tiptoeing around others because they might develop some misguided perception of my character. Also, so what if they call animal control? She's not abusing her dog.

 

Of course, all that to say, only Jean can say what level Jean is comfortable taking this to. I do hear what you are saying.

But see, I had thought that "We're doing fine, thank you.  We're taking care of them." was blunt.  As well as ""I'm sure he heard us come home.  Of course, he's whining because he's excited to see us."   I guess I was trying to avoid the "Stop asking me about our dogs.  Yes, one of our dogs whines.  Deal with it!"  I'm sure there is something in between though and if you have suggestions I'm all  :bigear:.  

[Unicorn.]

Next time she asks, tell her "My dogs are fine, but I'm worried about yours.  They sure do bark a lot."  :D    Too subtle?

[Azalea]

But see, I had thought that "We're doing fine, thank you.  We're taking care of them." was blunt.  As well as ""I'm sure he heard us come home.  Of course, he's whining because he's excited to see us."   I guess I was trying to avoid the "Stop asking me about our dogs.  Yes, one of our dogs whines.  Deal with it!"  I'm sure there is something in between though and if you have suggestions I'm all  :bigear:.  

 

I think you should say very nicely exactly how you feel. If I read your message correctly, it seems that you think that she thinks you are abusing your dog(s). The next time she says something to you about your dogs say, in the kindest, sweetest, most sincere voice, "What I hear you saying is that you are concerned for my dogs. Do you feel that I am abusing my dogs?" Await her response. Stop taking her BS and make her explain her behavior. Make her tell you to your face that she thinks you are despicable. I bet she won't and I bet she will back off. 

[happi duck]

If it happens again I think you can be honest..."I don't understand why you keep asking about my dogs. Are they bothering you or do you think we're not caring for them?"

 

I could imagine your neighbor posting on a forum..."I keep hearing my neighbor's dog whining and I noticed they never take long walks. Should I report them?". Then people would give all sorts of advice like go over there and see for yourself...offer to take the dog for a walk...casually bring up the whining and see how they react etc.

 

Eta...to me it feels like she is checking up on you and it's worth clearing up if she brings it up again.

[Joanne]

But see, I had thought that "We're doing fine, thank you.  We're taking care of them." was blunt.  As well as ""I'm sure he heard us come home.  Of course, he's whining because he's excited to see us."   I guess I was trying to avoid the "Stop asking me about our dogs.  Yes, one of our dogs whines.  Deal with it!"  I'm sure there is something in between though and if you have suggestions I'm all  :bigear:.  

 

 

"We're doing fine, thank you.  We're taking care of them." For the boundary challenged, this is not blunt - it is meaningless. You are NOT fine, you are NOT taking care of them. (in their minds, so your words are meaningless)

 

The middle ground you seek simply continues the boundary challenge.

 

"Stop inquiring about our dog. We will not discuss this with you again." No words about how you ARE taking care of the dog or that it is fine. Just a firm request they stop (the stated boundary) and that you won't participate/listen (what you will do to enforce it.)

I'd also keep a informal and simple log of these events and history in case they escalate and call animal control. They don't have to be reasonable, right, or valid to call.

[BrookValley.]

But see, I had thought that "We're doing fine, thank you.  We're taking care of them." was blunt.  As well as ""I'm sure he heard us come home.  Of course, he's whining because he's excited to see us."   I guess I was trying to avoid the "Stop asking me about our dogs.  Yes, one of our dogs whines.  Deal with it!"  I'm sure there is something in between though and if you have suggestions I'm all  :bigear:.  

 

Well, one would think that was enough! I would directly ask what she is concerned about (happi duck posted exactly what I had in mind). Sometimes when a person is put on the spot and asked to clarify or really explain what their issue is, the issue loses some of its shiny sparkly, you know? Hearing herself explain it may make her realize she's being ridiculous. Or, at least you'd know exactly where she was coming from and could maybe have a productive conversation about it.

 

ETA: and if not, what Joanne said. :thumbup1:

[gardenmom5]

time to be grateful it isn't a human toddler with screaming issues.  how long have the lived near you?  are they new to the neighborhood and just don't know you or your dogs yet?  or are they the type who have dogs instead of children?

 

you could suggest if they have such a compulsion to take care of a dog in addition to their own, they could volunteer at a shelter, or if they're going to boston - the Fairmont copley hotel has a dog "concierge" guests can walk.  (the dog is "booked" three months in advance.: she was training as a guide dog when she developed an eye problem making her unfit to be a guidedog.  she has her own webpage.  she's the most popular member of their staff.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

time to be grateful it isn't a human toddler with screaming issues.  how long have the lived near you?  are they new to the neighborhood and just don't know you or your dogs yet?  or are they the type who have dogs instead of children?

 

 

Yes, on the toddler!

 

They've been here a little over a year.  They are a nice family and except for this dog issue, I like them.  The ones I hear from are the grown daughters who live with their parents.  But then, the grown daughters speak English a lot more fluently.  Part of the issue, is that at least one of the daughters has a dog walking business.  But I can't see how that would be a good business plan - "Your dog is whining - let me take them for a walk!"  They didn't try to charge me the one time they took Libby.  They asked about taking our other dog (the whiner) but I said no because he is very strong and even at 11 has puppy ADHD.  I'm afraid that he would hurt someone in his exuberance and I would be liable.

 

My dd and dh run with Rocky so unless they just happen to not be home at those times, it's not like they can't see us exercising him.  Libby is trickier because of her paralysis.  Her bad paw can drag and will become bloody if we aren't careful.  

[dirty ethel rackham]

Perhaps you need to reframe this issue by using another word to describe the sound your dog is making.  Whining is irritable, pitiful complaining.  This doesn't sound like what the dog is doing, for the most part.  The sound your dog makes seems to be a sound of barely contained excitement ... it is sort of subvocalizing ... a pre-bark knowing that barking would be rude. 

 

My dog subvocalizes with a noise that sounds like a growl.  He is NOT growling - all of his body language screams happy excitement.  He is just barely containing a bark because he knows that his loud bark is annoying - to be saved for occasions where he needs to be loud and vocal.  It is hilarious when he tries to speak while subvocalizing.  He really thinks he is having a meaningful conversation with us.

 

The next time your neighbor asks, simply inform her that if she is worried about the sound your dog is making, then she is misinterpreting his language - that the dog is making that sound due to excitement, not distress.  It is instead of loud barking. 

[RoughCollie]

The next time your neighbor asks, simply inform her that if she is worried about the sound your dog is making, then she is misinterpreting his language - that the dog is making that sound due to excitement, not distress.  It is instead of loud barking. 

 

:iagree: Make sure you point out that your dogs have been taught not to bark unless it is in warning.

There are several reasons that dogs whine.  A dog's excitement during greeting is one of those reasons, as is seeking attention to get something he wants.  IOW, whining doesn't always mean that a dog is highly anxious, in pain, or trying to appease someone.

 

Point out that you understand what your dogs are communicating to you, because you and the dogs have been closely bonded for a long time.  Tell your neighbors that when and if your dog are distressed, you identify the problem and solve it.

 

They are not the dog whisperers for your dogs ... you are!  I know there isn't anyone who knows my dog better than I do, or who has the level of communication he and I have with one another. 

[Liz CA]

I can't get over the "I am here to take your dog for a walk." I am trying to imagine how I would have reacted. Depending on the day, I either would have laughed and said "Have at it. Are you aware he is 147lb?" or I would have said: "No thank you. I take care of my own dog."

There are definitely "neighbor boundary issues" going on here.

 

I think, for the future, I would reiterate that the dogs are taken care of and that you are in tune with their needs. Like a broken record...unless you want to annoy them and antagonize them by firmly pushing them back into their square, which, I am afraid (since they are so weird) could lead to them calling the Humane Society on you every time a dog snorts on your side of the fence.

[elegantlion]

Ah, I see this as not an issue about your whining dogs now, it's a ploy to try and get you to use their business. Kind of backhanded advertising. Really, that frames in totally different to me. Maybe the daughter needs practice or referrals. 

 

I would tell them bluntly you're happy with the care and walking of your own pets, but you'd love to have a few business cards to pass out to friends.

[Plink]

"I've heard about your dog walking business, but we aren't interested thank-you." Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

[Guest]

I am blunt.  I would tell them to stop asking about the dogs, because we don't mistreat them and there is not a single thing wrong with them.  

[Ravin]

I don't know. I mean, I asked them if the whining is bothering them and they said no. But they obviously hear it and it seems to cause them distress. I think they perceive it as a sign of distress in the dog? But the dog isn't distressed. He whines to ask to come in . . . or he whines when he's excited . . . .or he whines when he wants to get us to play. I try to respond right away if he whines so as to minimize visits from the neighbors but last night I was getting things out of the car and wasn't about to go rushing in just so that I could greet the dog right away and stop his whining.

Next time they come over, I would tell them this point-blank, and ask them to stop pestering you about it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Asked another neighbor who is very sensitive to noise if she's ever bothered by Rocky.  She said that she has never heard him whine and that it is not a problem.