Public restroom predicament-Need help

[Melinda S in TX]

Thank you everyone for your advice.  It's only within the last couple of months that this has been an issue.  Dh doesn't have a preference as to which bathroom we use.  He has a lot of trouble deciding even the simplest things (are you hungry?do you have a headache?) and if I ask him he will just say he doesn't know and do whatever I think is best.

 

We do try and avoid using public bathrooms, but sometimes it can't be avoided.  We have also timed our stop at Target for the middle of our errand running because they are the only place in our town that has a family restroom.  I usually have at least one of my boys with me, so they will be able to scope out the restroom for me.

 

Thanks so much for all of your help.

 

 

[kiwik]

I did read about a toilet locator app for phones once. It was aimed at people with toileting urgency issues but knowing where toilets are in advance does make life easier.

[Tap]

 

Thank you everyone for your advice.  It's only within the last couple of months that this has been an issue.  Dh doesn't have a preference as to which bathroom we use.  He has a lot of trouble deciding even the simplest things (are you hungry?do you have a headache?) and if I ask him he will just say he doesn't know and do whatever I think is best.

 

We do try and avoid using public bathrooms, but sometimes it can't be avoided.  We have also timed our stop at Target for the middle of our errand running because they are the only place in our town that has a family restroom.  I usually have at least one of my boys with me, so they will be able to scope out the restroom for me.

 

Thanks so much for all of your help.

 

 

 

 

Just an FYI, health clubs and places with swimming pools often have 'family' changing rooms also.  A convalescent home may also have a public ADA restroom that you can easily access.  I am sure you have already found out that sometimes is isn't just about location, it is also about being able to manage the space. 

 

[QueenCat]

My father has Parkinson's and needs assistance to use the toilet. When we are out, I take him to the men's room. I never thought much about it. I don't even announce that I'm coming in. No one has had an issue with it.

 

Diann

 

Not announce you're coming in to a men's room? Most men I know would want to have their pants zipped up before a woman came in. They'd be fine and understanding, finishing as quick as possible but they wouldn't want you to see them. My guess is that people just didn't tell you they minded you walking in on them without announcing it. Mine wouldn't say anything but they'd mind. It's about modesty. Men have that need just like women do.

[QueenCat]

I'd probably use the men's room when a family room isn't available. I would make sure it was empty first. After responding to the other poster, I asked dh. Dh said he'd hurry up, so you could get in there faster but he wouldn't want you to come in while he still was using the urinal. My boys responded the same way.

[fairfarmhand]

 

Thank you everyone for your advice.  It's only within the last couple of months that this has been an issue.  Dh doesn't have a preference as to which bathroom we use.  He has a lot of trouble deciding even the simplest things (are you hungry?do you have a headache?) and if I ask him he will just say he doesn't know and do whatever I think is best.

 

We do try and avoid using public bathrooms, but sometimes it can't be avoided.  We have also timed our stop at Target for the middle of our errand running because they are the only place in our town that has a family restroom.  I usually have at least one of my boys with me, so they will be able to scope out the restroom for me.

 

Thanks so much for all of your help.

 

 

 

My mom really had a hard time with those kinds of things too. For awhile, it was so hard for her to formulate a response that made sense (her verbal brain areas were affected) that she got frustrated and gave up. Other times, it was just too taxing to try to respond so she really didn't want to go to the effort to decide.

 

I'm so so sorry.

[Diann]

Not announce you're coming in to a men's room? Most men I know would want to have their pants zipped up before a woman came in. They'd be fine and understanding, finishing as quick as possible but they wouldn't want you to see them. My guess is that people just didn't tell you they minded you walking in on them without announcing it. Mine wouldn't say anything but they'd mind. It's about modesty. Men have that need just like women do.

 

I understand what you are saying, and you are probably right about most people not saying anything. However, my father is in a wheelchair, so I focus on him and our destination. I try to be very discreet. There has never been more than one man in the restroom when I have had to help my dad. A crowded men's room? No way!   :001_smile:

 

Diann

[QueenCat]

I understand what you are saying, and you are probably right about most people not saying anything. However, my father is in a wheelchair, so I focus on him and our destination. I try to be very discreet. There has never been more than one man in the restroom when I have had to help my dad. A crowded men's room? No way!   :001_smile:

 

Diann

 

I'm glad it has worked out well for you but I just don't get not announcing and giving a head's up, no matter how many people are in there. I would not be a happy if a male helper with a female needing assistance did that in a women's restroom without giving me the opportunity to get out first.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm glad it has worked out well for you but I just don't get not announcing and giving a head's up, no matter how many people are in there. I would not be a happy if a male helper with a female needing assistance did that in a women's restroom without giving me the opportunity to get out first.

Why?  You don't want a man to see you wash your hands?  Women's bathrooms have stalls.  

[QueenCat]

Why?  You don't want a man to see you wash your hands?  Women's bathrooms have stalls.  

 

In most bathrooms, even without trying, one often accidentally sees the person inside the stall as they pass by. I would not want a man passing by to hear or see me while in the stall. There is NO reason to not announce oneself and give people the opportunity to get out or at least not have their pants down.

[katilac]

Why?  You don't want a man to see you wash your hands?  Women's bathrooms have stalls.  

 

This is a little harsh, I think; it's not a ridiculous concern. The stalls often have wide gaps or broken locks, so that the door hangs somewhat open. I'll use them this way in a pinch, but I'm also not expecting a guy to walk in. Or one might adjust clothing outside of the stall, or be a bit startled/alarmed to hear a male voice - whatever, the point is that most people do make the assumption that men will not be in the lady's room, and vice-versa. 

[QueenCat]

This is a little harsh, I think; it's not a ridiculous concern. The stalls often have wide gaps or broken locks, so that the door hangs somewhat open. I'll use them this way in a pinch, but I'm also not expecting a guy to walk in. Or one might adjust clothing outside of the stall, or be a bit startled/alarmed to hear a male voice - whatever, the point is that most people do make the assumption that men will not be in the lady's room, and vice-versa. 

 

Exactly my point. I don't have daughters, but I do have nieces. I can imagine that upsetting them. Especially my 13 y.o. niece. Just not hard to give a heads up, and give people a couple of minutes to get out. It's called respect and courtesy.

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is a little harsh, I think; it's not a ridiculous concern. The stalls often have wide gaps or broken locks, so that the door hangs somewhat open. I'll use them this way in a pinch, but I'm also not expecting a guy to walk in. Or one might adjust clothing outside of the stall, or be a bit startled/alarmed to hear a male voice - whatever, the point is that most people do make the assumption that men will not be in the lady's room, and vice-versa. 

Well, the most I've ever seen while walking by a stall is a bit of color from the person's clothing.  Quite often I have to look under the stall to see if there are feet in there.  I guess I must go to really nice bathrooms because wide gaps and broken locks are a rare problem.  Also - I have never ever encountered a male caregiver coming into the bathroom anyway, so I don't think this is such a common occurrence.  If it did happen, I would be more impressed at the man's compassion at taking care of the woman's needs and would not be focused on my own momentary inconvenience.  

[QueenCat]

Well, the most I've ever seen while walking by a stall is a bit of color from the person's clothing.  Quite often I have to look under the stall to see if there are feet in there.  I guess I must go to really nice bathrooms because wide gaps and broken locks are a rare problem.  Also - I have never ever encountered a male caregiver coming into the bathroom anyway, so I don't think this is such a common occurrence.  If it did happen, I would be more impressed at the man's compassion at taking care of the woman's needs and would not be focused on my own momentary inconvenience.  

 

Just got back from Panera. No broken doors (don't really deal with that often myself). You could definitely see through the gaps without effort. We all have different privacy/modesty needs, which is why I guess I don't understand the big deal about announcing oneself, to give fair warning and giving people a minute or two to vacate if they wish.

 

[SeaConquest]

I would take him to the women's bathroom. My husband often goes in the women's bathroom to change a diaper because changing stations are often not in the men's. He just calls out to the women. Honestly, most women are thrilled to see a man changing a diaper and have given him nothing but positive comments.

[Ravin]

I did read about a toilet locator app for phones once. It was aimed at people with toileting urgency issues but knowing where toilets are in advance does make life easier.

Www.safe2pee.org is a locator that lets you search for or input restrooms that meet your needs or preferences: single-stall, unisex, wheelchair accessible, etc.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just got back from Panera. No broken doors (don't really deal with that often myself). You could definitely see through the gaps without effort. We all have different privacy/modesty needs, which is why I guess I don't understand the big deal about announcing oneself, to give fair warning and giving people a minute or two to vacate if they wish.

 

I don't see the big deal about doing that either . . . which is why I suggested it in the first place!  

[bolt.]

I think I'd go male, with a shout and a pause, and perhaps someone to give warning outside (or a sign).

 

Two reasons:

 

1. He's a male person, exposing male genitals: he's the one who should feel most at home.

 

2. Males, while modest, are not generally threatened or frightened by a woman even while doing a vulnerable thing like toileting. On the other hand, some women or girls might be surprised in a threatened-feeling way if they encounter a man in the ladies' room.

 

On the other hand, I think the ladies' would work out nearly as well. Even a momentarily surprised woman would realize the actual situation in a fraction of a second, even if she did miss the announcement. It's just a slight opinion.

 

I think most men would consider you "nurse like" as you aid your husband -- and most men have found themselves under the "personal" care of a female nurse at some point in time. I think the role of caregiver will automatically shift their perception of you as a person to sort of a "genderless" status. (That's the way I've felt when under the care of male health professionals.)

[QueenCat]

I don't see the big deal about doing that either . . . which is why I suggested it in the first place!  

 

When I re-read the entire thread, I see that. When I read only your responses to me, I don't. I see you thinking I'm unreasonable in expecting a heads up and privacy. I really don't get your snarkiness towards me in this thread. I keep looking at what I've written, and don't see that I've been that way towards you but if you perceived it that way, then I apologize. From my recollection, we haven't had issues in the past, so I just don't get it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When I re-read the entire thread, I see that. When I read only your responses to me, I don't. I see you thinking I'm unreasonable in expecting a heads up and privacy. I really don't get your snarkiness towards me in this thread. I keep looking at what I've written, and don't see that I've been that way towards you but if you perceived it that way, then I apologize. From my recollection, we haven't had issues in the past, so I just don't get it.

No snark and certainly no issues with you.  It's just not that big a deal for me.  Perhaps because I grew up in a country with a lot less modesty in toileting and bathing.  And perhaps because I've assisted people (male and female) in toileting needs before.  A male caregiver is going to be focused on his job and is not going to have wandering eyes.  Would I think an announcement would be nice?  Yes.  But if someone forgot to do it, I really wouldn't think anything of it.  My response to you was one of surprise because of that.

 

(When I worked in a Japanese hospital, they would line up all the patients in a ward, male and female and would bathe them (naked) in an assembly line.  I did raise my eyebrows at that!)

[QueenCat]

No snark and certainly no issues with you.  It's just not that big a deal for me.  Perhaps because I grew up in a country with a lot less modesty in toileting and bathing.  And perhaps because I've assisted people (male and female) in toileting needs before.  A male caregiver is going to be focused on his job and is not going to have wandering eyes.  Would I think an announcement would be nice?  Yes.  But if someone forgot to do it, I really wouldn't think anything of it.  My response to you was one of surprise of that.

 

Thank you for clarifying, I appreciate it.

[vonfirmath]

In most bathrooms, even without trying, one often accidentally sees the person inside the stall as they pass by. I would not want a man passing by to hear or see me while in the stall. There is NO reason to not announce oneself and give people the opportunity to get out or at least not have their pants down.

 

...?  Wow. I've never accidentally seen someone in a stall (with a door. We do have some park restrooms without doors) as I passed by.

 

This is really making me think again about taking my 6 year old son into the restroom with me; I figured it was no big deal because there are stalls. I'm not really comfortable sending him into the men's room alone yet.

 

[QueenCat]

...?  Wow. I've never accidentally seen someone in a stall (with a door. We do have some park restrooms without doors) as I passed by.

 

This is really making me think again about taking my 6 year old son into the restroom with me; I figured it was no big deal because there are stalls. I'm not really comfortable sending him into the men's room alone yet.

 

I primarily see this happen as I scan for an empty, or someone else scans for an empty while I'm in a stall. I wouldn't be bothered by a 6 year old..... but much older than that, and I would be.............