Living with teens

[heartosunshine]

Please tell me this is a phase. I routinely have at least 2 out of 3 family members mad at me on any given day, usually the teens but sometimes Dh. I tell myself, "Don't take it personally" over & over, but, ugh!

 

How much longer will it be like this?

 

Signed,

Frustrated mother to a 15 5/6 & a 14 1/4 year old

[Freckles]

I feel your pain. I would start with your relationship with dh. The kids will move out. Tone can't be read. I typed that in jest. I hope your day gets better.

[Danestress]

Please tell me this is a phase. I routinely have at least 2 out of 3 family members mad at me on any given day, usually the teens but sometimes Dh. I tell myself, "Don't take it personally" over & over, but, ugh!

 

How much longer will it be like this?

 

Signed,

Frustrated mother to a 15 5/6 & a 14 1/4 year old

 

It is hard to adjust to  - for years you are the most beloved person in their world, and then all of a sudden, you aren't.  My kids aren't terrible - they aren't especially argumentative or angry seeming, but they frequently seem annoyed and they often don't want to interact with me when I am dying to hear all about their days.  I think it's part of our personal growth that we adjust be having someone find us irritating, and almost everyone I know find his or her mother irritating at times, so we are in good company.

 

One of my friends told me, when I was a young mother, that teenagers just hate the sound of their mothers' voices.  I am not sure that is completely true, but sometimes I consider the possibility.  I do find that when they are in a "mood" it's good to just leave them alone. I also think that there is a basic level of kindness and respect that we all owe each other living in a home, so I don't take my tolerance to the level of accepting ugliness, but I do think sometimes nurturing a relationship with your teen means just swallowing your hurt and getting busy with your own "stuff."

[heartosunshine]

I feel your pain. I would start with your relationship with dh. This kids will move out. Tone can't be read. I typed that in jest. I hope your day gets better.

 

Yes, I definitely realize this! Dh & I get along really well but I'm told I can be "intense". We rarely argue. But sometimes a statement is made that I don't agree with & my delivery is harsher than I intend. :(

 

It is hard to adjust to  - for years you are the most beloved person in their world, and then all of a sudden, you aren't.  My kids aren't terrible - they aren't especially argumentative or angry seeming, but they frequently seem annoyed and they often don't want to interact with me when I am dying to hear all about their days.  I think it's part of our personal growth that we adjust be having someone find us irritating, and almost everyone I know find his or her mother irritating at times, so we are in good company.

 

One of my friends told me, when I was a young mother, that teenagers just hate the sound of their mothers' voices.  I am not sure that is completely true, but sometimes I consider the possibility.  I do find that when they are in a "mood" it's good to just leave them alone. I also think that there is a basic level of kindness and respect that we all owe each other living in a home, so I don't take my tolerance to the level of accepting ugliness, but I do think sometimes nurturing a relationship with your teen means just swallowing your hurt and getting busy with your own "stuff."

 

Thank you for your response. It helps.

 

"...getting busy with your own "stuff.""

My dd said that me going back to college was a good thing because "now you can have a life." Ouch. Because, you know, raising 2 kids & taking care of the home & family really isn't a life.

 

Thing is, my kids are great kids but they are also teenagers. I know it's not their intention to be hurtful but they haven't learned to filter yet.

[gardenmom5]

post this somewhere prominent, and read it everyday:

 

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CATS

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy: a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

 

eta: one day they will become human again.  1dd apologized for being an obnoixious teen when she was 17 - but she was precocious like that.  everyone else was in their 20's.  (and dudeling still thinks i'm the cat's meow - unless 1ds is around. sigh.)
 

[albeto.]

post this somewhere prominent, and read it everyday:

 

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CATS

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy: a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
 

 

 

Why is it okay to disparage teens?

 

 

:huh:

 

OP, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I have three teens. For me the hardest part was learning how to negotiate, but it was worth it to learn to solve conflicts with mutual respect rather than fight to hang on to the traditional Responsible Party Role. Your teens just may surprise you if given a bit more room to spread their wings. All the loving, nurturing, and role-modeling you did when they were tiny will kick in and you'll see the fruits of your labors. Hopefully you'll also see some pretty cool young adults in your family. 

[Haiku]

My daughter was utterly miserable to live with when she was a teenager.

 

The good news is that it took her only a few weeks of being away at college to realize that I am actually pretty damn cool.

 

The mistake I won't make with my next two is trying to humor their horrible attitudes. Act like a jerk? Get nothing from me. I was a doormat for my oldest.

[gardenmom5]

Why is it okay to disparage teens?

 

 

:huh:

 

OP, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I have three teens. For me the hardest part was learning how to negotiate, but it was worth it to learn to solve conflicts with mutual respect rather than fight to hang on to the traditional Responsible Party Role. Your teens just may surprise you if given a bit more room to spread their wings. All the loving, nurturing, and role-modeling you did when they were tiny will kick in and you'll see the fruits of your labors. Hopefully you'll also see some pretty cool young adults in your family. 

 

so - you don't like cats?

I don't consider that disparaging.  it's supposed to help in understanding them so we "don't take it personally".   I had one who was very much a "cat".  he even referred to himself as a cat.  (moved like one too. the slightest smile was an indicator he was too overcome by mirth to contain any response.  getting any information from him was akin to an extraction. - which meant if he offered up *anything* take it very seriously.)

 

I've heard jokes that disparage teens - and comparing them to cats isn't remotely in the same ballpark.

[KungFuPanda]

I have fairly easy teens and 14-15 was rough with my daughter. We'd be having a perfectly nice conversation and she'd just well up and be mad for a while. It was surreal. She got human again by 16 :-) My son is 13, so he's just beginning :-/

[Mothersweets]

My boys have been fairly easy as teens.I still have one teen boy-he was the only one to give me trouble but now he is 16 quite and pleasant to be around again. My girls...well, the years between 13-15 were the hardest.

 

To be fair, I was much worse than any of them so I figure this is some kind of karmic payback, lol.

[albeto.]

so - you don't like cats?

I don't consider that disparaging.  it's supposed to help in understanding them so we "don't take it personally".   I had one who was very much a "cat".  he even referred to himself as a cat.  (moved like one too.)

 

I've heard jokes that disparage teens - and comparing them to cats isn't remotely in the same ballpark.

 

 I think comments like "No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot," is pretty mean-spirited and demeaning. It's as mean and demeaning as jokes that make fun of wives as all being brainless nags.

[heartosunshine]

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CATS...
 

 

I love cats! Thanks for the laugh!

 

 

OP, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I have three teens. For me the hardest part was learning how to negotiate, but it was worth it to learn to solve conflicts with mutual respect rather than fight to hang on to the traditional Responsible Party Role. Your teens just may surprise you if given a bit more room to spread their wings. All the loving, nurturing, and role-modeling you did when they were tiny will kick in and you'll see the fruits of your labors. Hopefully you'll also see some pretty cool young adults in your family. 

 

The constant negotiating is a huge part of why I get so fatigued by it all. I agree with the need to allow them their independence and am very conscious of that. I choose my battles wisely and let things go more than fight, especially if there are natural, teachable consequences. However, at this age, there are times when parents absolutely have to say "no". Also, some teens push more than others. {Shrug}

[heartosunshine]

The mistake I won't make with my next two is trying to humor their horrible attitudes. Act like a jerk? Get nothing from me. I was a doormat for my oldest.

 

:iagree:
 

It's important to teach teens to respect others even if they are upset or not feeling well. Half the time, my kids don't even realize how their saying something. When I call my dd on it, I can see her replaying the conversation in her head and then she usually says that she didn't mean to say it like that.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I agree with albeto. Parenting teens is one of the hardest things I've ever done but they are still my boys, they still have good hearts, and they are still just trying to grow up and be somebody.

Lowering some expectations while raising others, getting better at creating space, having a short memory, making good memories on purpose, losing sleep (a LOT), worrying...these things are all exhausting. Totally. I'm there.

But comparing them to animals and attributing bad character to them doesn't help anything at all. I'd rather try to remember that in the long run I'm not raising teens, I'm raising men. They are people. Good people.

[LLMom]

I feel your pain. I have 2 official teens (17 and 14) one dc will be 13 in a month, and my 21 year old who acts like a teen. Someone is always upset with me.  It is exhausting.  Sorry no help, I just so understand.

[swellmomma]

When it comes to my teens hating me at any given time, I usually stick with "then I am doing my job right"  In fact the other day dd14 told me she hated me and I replied with that, and she stopped her griping and just shook her head and said "then you seem to be doing your job right an awful lot lately".  WHich of course had me laughing, and while that in itself irritated her it did change the course of the mood.  While I like spending time with my teens and having them be open with me I am not their friend, which means I will say or do things they don't like.  I will veto certain clothes, or set a curfew or say they can't have some item or other etc.  The hormonal moodiness means they a perpetually mad at how I am ruining their lives forever.  Of course I can't help but reply with "I'll add another dollar to the therapy jar".  When it comes to teens it is like being part of the terrible 2s all over again.  You know from being through it before, it is a phase that feels like it is never ending and then suddenly you have these mostly delightful humans in your life.  The same with teens, it feels like will never end but one day you will some mostly delightful adult humans in your life :)

As for your dh, that one I am no help with.  I got rid of mine :P

[hillfarm]

With my teen, I am seeing that storms blow up quickly at any provocation, sometimes seemingly no provocation at all. They rage, wreck havoc and make a lot of noise, then can quickly dissipate, leaving all those affected looking around in a dazed manner, wondering what just happened.

 

[Unicorn.]

Wait.  So what you're really saying, is that you get a whole day where ONE person isn't mad at you?  That's awesome!   Yes, it's kind of normal.  Like a never ending roller coaster.  I've learned not to engage for any reason when they are a certain way... feed them, let them sleep whenever they can, and hit them w/ the lectures, chores, etc, when they are actually in a good mood.  Talk fast, before the hormones kick in again.  I think they were easier when they were toddlers, throwing temper tantrums and painting the walls w/ poop.  :D

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

[heartosunshine]

When it comes to my teens hating me at any given time, I usually stick with "then I am doing my job right"  In fact the other day dd14 told me she hated me and I replied with that, and she stopped her griping and just shook her head and said "then you seem to be doing your job right an awful lot lately".  WHich of course had me laughing, and while that in itself irritated her it did change the course of the mood.  While I like spending time with my teens and having them be open with me I am not their friend, which means I will say or do things they don't like.  I will veto certain clothes, or set a curfew or say they can't have some item or other etc.  The hormonal moodiness means they a perpetually mad at how I am ruining their lives forever.  Of course I can't help but reply with "I'll add another dollar to the therapy jar".  When it comes to teens it is like being part of the terrible 2s all over again.  You know from being through it before, it is a phase that feels like it is never ending and then suddenly you have these mostly delightful humans in your life.  The same with teens, it feels like will never end but one day you will some mostly delightful adult humans in your life :)

 

When they say, "You are so mean!" after an unreasonable request, I say, "I know."

I often get glimpses of the adults they will become and, at those moments, I'm stunned at how absolutely beautiful they are! :001_wub:

 

Wait.  So what you're really saying, is that you get a whole day where ONE person isn't mad at you?  That's awesome!   Yes, it's kind of normal.  Like a never ending roller coaster.  I've learned not to engage for any reason when they are a certain way... feed them, let them sleep whenever they can, and hit them w/ the lectures, chores, etc, when they are actually in a good mood.  Talk fast, before the hormones kick in again.  I think they were easier when they were toddlers, throwing temper tantrums and painting the walls w/ poop.  :D

 

:rofl:

[Haiku]

Why is it okay to disparage teens?

 

Because humor is a well-known and effective tool for dealing with stressful situations. I would not openly mock my teen, but I have certainly told many a (looking back on it) humorous story at her expense, because really, how much can you deal with before you have to let it out somehow? Some people have really easy teens, and some have horrendous ones. I had a horrendous one. That doesn't mean I don't love her, but it does mean that she made my life very difficult for a number of years. You can't take life so seriously all the time. Sometimes you have to laugh or you'll cry.

 

Honestly, I regularly make fun of some of the weirdos who come in to where I work. I couldn't work there if I didn't. I can only be called a racist bitch (for having the audacity to refuse sale of alcohol to someone without ID) so many times before I either crack or I joke about it. The latest is the guy who screamed at me and stormed out of the store because I wouldn't give him the beer he didn't have enough money to purchase.Yeah, I'm gonna make jokes on Facebook about him. Color me a terrible person. :D

[KungFuPanda]

I pity anyone who attempts to raise teens and isn't armed with a good sense of humor.

[Lolly]

I  have some good news for you, you are getting close to the second honeymoon stage!!! It is so totally wonderful. I've hit it a little early. It seems that with #4 teen you learn to let go a little earlier which gives incredible freedom to the mommy-mind. The kids leave the house, but they are still around on breaks and some weekends. They call actually wanting and taking your advice. Total bliss, well, except for the fact that you still worry like crazy about them! But the dh relationship?   :w00t:  :001_wub:  :blushing:  :w00t: Takes on a whole new level. 

 

For now, do try to relax and let go one level more than you are comfortable with, keep repeating don't take it personally, and know that you are almost there.