S/o of s*xy food. . . what do you tell your kids about potential kidnappings?

[Alicia64]

My son once asked me, "Why do adults want to grab kids?" I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to go into the detail.

 

I've made it really clear to my boys that adults don't look to kids for help. If they really need help -- they ask another adult. So if anyone says, "Help me find my puppy" or "how do you get to x,y,z street?" leave the scene immediately.

 

But I'm not sure what to tell my sons about why an adult would kidnap a child.

 

Thank you for any help!

 

Alley

[alef]

Your sons are ten? I would tell them the truth. I tell my kids some adults want to touch or interact with a child in a sexual way and that is wrong and illegal. Some adults might try to kidnap or get a child to go with them secretly because they have twisted minds. If an adult ever tries to touch a child's private parts or get the child to do something sexual or something the child feels is not right the child should tell another responsible adult right away, whether the person in question was a stranger or a friend or family member; the child will never be in trouble for telling. I can't see how we can teach our children to protect themselves if they don't know what it is they are protecting themselves from. With a younger child I might be a bit less explicit--in terms of kidnapping all a four year old needs to know is "never go with someone unless Mommy or Daddy tells you to" at that age it is my responsibility to make sure they are well supervised and safe--but by eight or ten I think kids can handle more independence along with more details about potential dangers to avoid.

[JustEm]

My 5 year old asked me this once because of a conversation he overheard at the store about a kidnapping.  I told him that some strangers want to hurt little kids (didn't give details) or simply take them away from their families b/c they want them as their own child.   He excepted that answer and hasn't brought it up again.

[umsami]

We've never had this discussion, because statistically they're most likely to be abducted by their father (or me) in a bad divorce rather than by a stranger.  If we were to divorce or head that way, then I'd tell them if either I or their Dad try to take them out of the country without the other parent knowing, then they're to tell airport security as they are screened and the gate agent…and keep telling until they get help.

 

Same with sexual child abuse, far more likely to be a family member or somebody we know.

 

So, we've talked about how to ask a Mom with children for help…. not to get into anybody's car…. etc.   We have a family code word in case of emergencies.  We've talked about nobody should touch them in their bathing suit area or in a way that makes them uncomfortable.  

 

I suppose we need to have the discussion about fighting back, biting, being noisy should any of this happen, but we haven't yet.  I've focused on the more likely scenarios.  

[----]

.

[abba12]

My 5 year old asked me this once because of a conversation he overheard at the store about a kidnapping.  I told him that some strangers want to hurt little kids (didn't give details) or simply take them away from their families b/c they want them as their own child.   He excepted that answer and hasn't brought it up again.

 

This is about what I would say to a 5yo

 

If your kiddos are 10 though, they're probably about ready to hear a less graphic version of the truth

[TheBugs]

I haven't had a full on discussion about this with my kids, but we've talked about it in dribs and drabs.

 

I was talking about how no one is allowed to touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, first of all. My son said, when people tickle me it makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it. So, I explained how we have to respect that and not tickle DS. It's not funny for him. So, my point in that is for my children to understand that they are the ones who own their bodies.

 

We talk about not going off with strangers. Screaming and making a lot of noise is okay if you feel unsafe...

[Alicia64]

My 5 year old asked me this once because of a conversation he overheard at the store about a kidnapping.  I told him that some strangers want to hurt little kids (didn't give details) or simply take them away from their families b/c they want them as their own child.   He excepted that answer and hasn't brought it up again.

 

Okay this is what happened when my boys were sixish -- and they haven't asked again.

 

At 10 I'm not sure what to tell them. Meaning: how to keep it ten-appropriate?

 

Alley

[Alicia64]

This is about what I would say to a 5yo

 

If your kiddos are 10 though, they're probably about ready to hear a less graphic version of the truth

 

And that's my question: what to say to them keep it less graphic, but helpful.

 

I know I didn't know what adult-adult r*pe was until I was 13. I don't know when I was aware of adults attacking kids, but it wasn't at 10. (Not that I'm holding my parents up as superstars in this area.)

 

Alley

[Trish]

My son once asked me, "Why do adults want to grab kids?" I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to go into the detail.

 

I've made it really clear to my boys that adults don't look to kids for help. If they really need help -- they ask another adult. So if anyone says, "Help me find my puppy" or "how do you get to x,y,z street?" leave the scene immediately.

 

But I'm not sure what to tell my sons about why an adult would kidnap a child.

 

Thank you for any help!

 

Alley

 

The big abduction (and unfortunately, death that resulted) in the news this week was one where a 10-year-old girl was on her street, was snatched by a guy in a pickup truck who had asked her for directions, all in the sight of horrified neighbors (one of whom I think got a license plate number). They were able to track the guy down -- he happens to be a middle school teacher/coach! (but not at her school, he apparently was just looking for an opportunity)

 

I know this is 'statistically unlikely' but I think it's worth warning kids of the dangers in spite of its unlikeliness. And the fact that it was more likely to be a family member to pose a danger to this girl than a total stranger is probably no comfort to the grieving parents. My kids are "more likely" to be harmed in an auto accident, that doesn't mean I have them buckle up in the car, and give Stranger Danger a pass. 

 

 

[texasmama]

Your sons are ten? I would tell them the truth. I tell my kids some adults want to touch or interact with a child in a sexual way and that is wrong and illegal. Some adults might try to kidnap or get a child to go with them secretly because they have twisted minds. If an adult ever tries to touch a child's private parts or get the child to do something sexual or something the child feels is not right the child should tell another responsible adult right away, whether the person in question was a stranger or a friend or family member; the child will never be in trouble for telling. I can't see how we can teach our children to protect themselves if they don't know what it is they are protecting themselves from. With a younger child I might be a bit less explicit--in terms of kidnapping all a four year old needs to know is "never go with someone unless Mommy or Daddy tells you to" at that age it is my responsibility to make sure they are well supervised and safe--but by eight or ten I think kids can handle more independence along with more details about potential dangers to avoid.

This is what I do.

[Alicia64]

This is what I do.

 

But that's what I don't understand. I mean this kindly -- not rudely. How do you explain it in a way that's not graphic and inappropriate for their age? 

 

They've been told about making babies -- a man and a woman -- but how do you explain an adult male taking a little girl?

 

Alley

[texasmama]

But that's what I don't understand. I mean this kindly -- not rudely. How do you explain it in a way that's not graphic and inappropriate for their age? 

 

They've been told about making babies -- a man and a woman -- but how do you explain an adult male taking a little girl?

 

Alley

I quoted Alef's post because I use very similar language to that post when talking to my kids. I am honest and have always been, but the level of detail changes as the kids get older.  I give my 13 year old more detail than my 8 year old, but I would tell my 8 year old exactly what is in the post that Alef said.  She knows about what sex is so she has a frame of reference for this type of discussion. 

[Scarlett]

Your sons are ten? I would tell them the truth. I tell my kids some adults want to touch or interact with a child in a sexual way and that is wrong and illegal. Some adults might try to kidnap or get a child to go with them secretly because they have twisted minds. If an adult ever tries to touch a child's private parts or get the child to do something sexual or something the child feels is not right the child should tell another responsible adult right away, whether the person in question was a stranger or a friend or family member; the child will never be in trouble for telling. I can't see how we can teach our children to protect themselves if they don't know what it is they are protecting themselves from. With a younger child I might be a bit less explicit--in terms of kidnapping all a four year old needs to know is "never go with someone unless Mommy or Daddy tells you to" at that age it is my responsibility to make sure they are well supervised and safe--but by eight or ten I think kids can handle more independence along with more details about potential dangers to avoid.

 

 

 

 

But that's what I don't understand. I mean this kindly -- not rudely. How do you explain it in a way that's not graphic and inappropriate for their age? 

 

They've been told about making babies -- a man and a woman -- but how do you explain an adult male taking a little girl?

 

Alley

See the above suggestions.

 

And make sure a ten year old understands it is NOT the same as a man and woman making a baby.....it is violent and perverted and wrong.

[texasmama]

This is a quote from Alef's post:  I would say this to my 8 year old:

 

"Some adults want to touch or interact with a child in a sexual way and that is wrong and illegal. Some adults might try to kidnap or get a child to go with them secretly because they have twisted minds. If an adult ever tries to touch a child's private parts or get the child to do something sexual or something the child feels is not right the child should tell another responsible adult right away, whether the person in question was a stranger or a friend or family member; the child will never be in trouble for telling."

 

[texasmama]

Sometimes people really struggle with these discussions with kids.  As a therapist, I have had countless discussions such as these with kids which make me very comfortable with the words coming out of my mouth.  OP, if you are unsure or uncomfortable, memorize a script and practice saying it before talking to your boys.  Use books to help with the discussion.  The important thing is that your sons have the information, not that you say it perfectly.  I have talked to my kids about these things since they were 3-4 years old, and their innocence was not lost.  It equipped them with information to protect themselves.  I don't regret any of those discussions.

[Alicia64]

Okay -- I understand how to go forward -- thank you everyone.

 

Alley

[LucyStoner]

But that's what I don't understand. I mean this kindly -- not rudely. How do you explain it in a way that's not graphic and inappropriate for their age?

 

They've been told about making babies -- a man and a woman -- but how do you explain an adult male taking a little girl?

 

Alley

That healthy, safe adults are attracted to other adults but that there are a small number of adults who are attracted to children. It's not right and it's not ok but it happens and that kids do not need to be afraid to tell a trusted adult that someone makes them uncomfortable or has been inappropriate in any way.

 

That is what I told my son, who is now 10 but was more like 7-8 when he asked about this.

[Alicia64]

That healthy, safe adults are attracted to other adults but that there are a small number of adults who are attracted to children. It's not right and it's not ok but it happens and that kids do not need to be afraid to tell a trusted adult that someone makes them uncomfortable or has been inappropriate in any way.

 

That is what I told my son, who is now 10 but was more like 7-8 when he asked about this.

 

I really like this. Thank you.

[Trish]

Not sure why it's necessary to tell the kids details on what adults might plan to do with them if abducted. I certainly didn't explain this when they were younger. When asked why an adult would steal a kid I said these were bad adults who would make you a slave and do all their work, and they would not get to see their family ever again if this happened. Didn't see any need to add anything about abuse and/or death!

 

Now that they're older (late middle school/highschool) they've gleaned more from the news. Is there anything to be gained by being specific in this instance?

 

I'm glad I didn't have any details as a young child, that's the stuff of nightmares!

[chiguirre]

On a similar note, every time we go to Venezuela I remind my kids about kidnappings and that they must not wander off EVER, they should never take a ds or kindle out in public, refrain from speaking English on the street, etc. They know that people do get kidnapped and it's a crapshoot if you get someone back or not. They know someone who didn't come back. I think that's as much of a deterrent as I can provide.

[Guest submarines]

But that's what I don't understand. I mean this kindly -- not rudely. How do you explain it in a way that's not graphic and inappropriate for their age? 

 

They've been told about making babies -- a man and a woman -- but how do you explain an adult male taking a little girl?

 

Alley

 

I remember hearing about a child abduction when I was ten. I was not told about the sexual details and it didn't occur to me to think this way. It was terrifying enough.

 

DD 11 knows what sex is, and knows about sexual violence in dolphins. However, I am not explaining abductions in terms of molestation to her. I don't think it is necessary in order to keep her safe. I figured out what rape was when I was sixteen--I read about it in literature, but it was always vague enough for me not to fully understand what was involved. I don't think I suffered because of that. There's something to be said about childhood innocence. Not much of it is left as it is nowadays.

[LucyStoner]

I am not sure why telling them that kidnappers are slavers is less scary than plain, un-inflammatory language that is generally closer to the truth in the cases people may be hearing about in the news? I'm on my phone, otherwise there would be a questioning puzzled smilie here. ;)

 

I don't think knowing facts takes away someone's innocence. Ignorance of something is not the same thing as innocence.

[Guest submarines]

This is a quote from Alef's post:  I would say this to my 8 year old:

 

"Some adults want to touch or interact with a child in a sexual way and that is wrong and illegal. Some adults might try to kidnap or get a child to go with them secretly because they have twisted minds. If an adult ever tries to touch a child's private parts or get the child to do something sexual or something the child feels is not right the child should tell another responsible adult right away, whether the person in question was a stranger or a friend or family member; the child will never be in trouble for telling."

 

 

That healthy, safe adults are attracted to other adults but that there are a small number of adults who are attracted to children. It's not right and it's not ok but it happens and that kids do not need to be afraid to tell a trusted adult that someone makes them uncomfortable or has been inappropriate in any way.

 

That is what I told my son, who is now 10 but was more like 7-8 when he asked about this.

 

I'm really glad I wasn't told this as a child.

 

I was told that an abductor could hurt me, and imagining an adult hitting me or enslaving me was really enough information. The current tendency to discuss sexuality (not what sex is, but sexuality in general) with 7 year olds, both the normal and aberrant, under the guise of protecting them seems highly unhealthy to me.

[LucyStoner]

I'm really glad I wasn't told this as a child.

 

I was told that an abductor could hurt me, and imagining an adult hitting me or enslaving me was really enough information. The current tendency to discuss sexuality (not what sex is, but sexuality in general) with 7 year olds, both the normal and aberrant, under the guise of protecting them seems highly unhealthy to me.

I don't discuss sexuality and dangers with my kids under the guise of protecting them. I discuss with them in what I consider to be age appropriate ways because I have a responsibility to parent them.

 

I was sexually assaulted as a child. My children will never be in that situation if I can help it but they will also not be in a situation of not knowing what to say if someone makes them uneasy or bothers them if I can help it either.

 

This idea that discussing things like this with children who are fully capable of reading headlines and hearing the news costs them their innocence has a ring to it that deeply disturbs me. 10 year olds hear a lot more than parents might like, not all of it accurate and I want my kids to be able to parse the truth from the fiction.

[TheBugs]

When I was little I was told about "bad men" and what they would do to children and it disturbed me and although it was well meaning, I will handle things a little differently according to age.

 

My young children  have asked why  a grown-up would hurt a child. I explained that I don't really know why, but that sometimes people use other people as if they are objects and not people. I used an example of how a child might break a toy for fun or just to see what happens, or for violence. Some bad people don't see other people or children as people because they have something wrong with their brains and they use them like toys and disregard their feelings and worth. I also told them that it is never okay for someone to touch you, unless it is mommy and daddy and we are seeing if you are hurt or if it is a doctor giving you a check-up to make sure you are healthy and mommy or daddy are in the room with you. Otherwise if someone wants to or tries to touch you in a way you don't like, they are using you like you are not a person and that is never okay.

 

We've explained why hugging friends and family and kisses on the cheek are fine, but only if you want to do that. You should never feel like you have to.

 

It's a really uncomfortable thing to talk about, but I hope that if we have little conversations now and again they will understand, and will also always feel like they can talk to me about these things.

[texasmama]

I'm really glad I wasn't told this as a child.

 

I was told that an abductor could hurt me, and imagining an adult hitting me or enslaving me was really enough information. The current tendency to discuss sexuality (not what sex is, but sexuality in general) with 7 year olds, both the normal and aberrant, under the guise of protecting them seems highly unhealthy to me.

Having worked with many, many child sexual abuse victims in therapy, I beg to differ.

[LucyStoner]

The other day at the bus stop a guy started talking to my son. My son was clearly not ok with it. He got up from the bench and walked over to me. He didn't feel the need to placate the guy's feelings or be polite. He knew that it was ok to walk away (I was getting a paper at the other end of the bus stop). When I was his age I didn't know that. I thought I needed to be nice. Was he scared of this man? Not really, because I was right there. But he knew he didn't need to sit there and talk to this man. That is why I talk to my son about boundaries and respecting himself/trusting his instincts. That conversation makes more sense in the context of truth.

[Farrar]

Strongly seconding the honest approach above.  

 

And adding that in terms of strangers (yes, in terms of s*xual assault, a relative or family friend is more likely), I've told my kids that if anyone ever tried to hurt them or take them in public that the way to get out of it is to raise he-hockey sticks.  There was an incident a few years ago where a stranger tried to grab a girl in a Wal-Mart and it was caught on the cameras.  She screamed like a banshee and kicked him repeated.  He ran off and was later apprehended.  We watched the little news segment about it and I said, that's exactly what you should do.  She didn't fight him off - she scared him away and got help.  If someone were to try to take you, don't freeze up and go with them.  Nothing bad would ever happen if you fought - you'd be a hero on the news just like that girl.

 

ETA: I really, really believe in not being paranoid about this stuff.  It's so, so, so rare.  But I would rather have conversations like these and then trust my kids (within reason) and not think about it much than to worry and dwell and helicopter.

[alef]

Not sure why it's necessary to tell the kids details on what adults might plan to do with them if abducted. I certainly didn't explain this when they were younger. When asked why an adult would steal a kid I said these were bad adults who would make you a slave and do all their work, and they would not get to see their family ever again if this happened. Didn't see any need to add anything about abuse and/or death!

 

Now that they're older (late middle school/highschool) they've gleaned more from the news. Is there anything to be gained by being specific in this instance?

 

I'm glad I didn't have any details as a young child, that's the stuff of nightmares!

 

I want my kids to know these are topics they can discuss openly and comfortably with me, and that will not happen unless I am open and comfortable in discussions with them. Any kind of sexual assault is scary and embarrassing, if a child doesn't have the vocabulary and frame of reference to understand and discuss what has happened it would very difficult indeed for them to report a problem appropriately. Potential kidnapping is just one small aspect of a much bigger topic surrounding issues of sexual assault and abuse, and I am doing my best to arm my children to confront whatever problems of that sort they may encounter and to be ready and comfortable discussing them with me. People have brought up statistics. Statistically, there is unfortunately high probability that at least one of my five children will encounter attempted sexual abuse or assault at some point. I do not think I am robbing them of their innocence by teaching them what to watch for and assuring them there is no shame in being the victim of someone else's perversion.

[4ofus]

I have been honest with my kids.  I follow their signals & give what they ask to know, honestly, & back off when I sense they need to digest the information. A moment of thought digestion typically leads to more questions which I answer honestly.  This way I'm giving them what they need instead of what I *think* they need.  It's worked for us so far.  These are practical conversations that I try not to inject emotion into.  Just the facts ma'am.  And when they express emotion, "oh my gosh, why would someone do that?"  Then I get to opine, "I can't imagine love.  I can only surmise that some folks are just broken inside.  Unfortunately, they may not look it or act it (at first).  It's inside.  The good news is, it's a pretty unlikely scenario! and when you're educated about the possibilities, you have less to be afraid of.  Knowledge is power."  Prepare for the worst & hope for the best kinda thing I guess.

 

Just today I had a talk about dangers with my oldest.  It's an ongoing conversation.  Usually spontaneous & in the car.  Seems to work for us.  The subject is completely desensitized & anything could come up.  And it's okay.  I've got the information you need/want & I'm willing to answer you.  I live to keep my sweet babies safe from harm, but, hey, they ain't babies anymore.  They need to know they have a vested interest in keeping themselves from harm & they can't do that if they don't know the threats.

[Mrs Mungo]

The BSA has a booklet on talking about child safety with your kids. It might be worth a read.

 

http://www.scouting.org/filestore/pdf/46-014.pdf

[abba12]

I suffer PTSD as a result of severe sexual abuse and other things of a sexual nature. I can't hide this from my kids completely, there are certain triggers I have which mean our family does certain things a little differently. Occasionally I hallucinate or have disassociative episodes. I am unable to breastfeed and I experience other physical issues as a direct result.

 

I am getting treatment and have come a long way forward, but due to the severe nature of my case, there are things which may always be an issue. As a result, not being honest about the realities of these things is simply not an option for us. It is not something I am proud of and I am working as hard as I can to make things better and I do very well ensuring everyone is safe when I am struggling (we have a code word which my daughter knows means everyone goes into the bedroom right now and shuts the door, which I use if I feel something out of control coming on mentally. I have only had to use it once so far) but if I have a mental situation such as a very intense flashback, I need my eldest daughter at least to understand enough to not be scared, and to act appropriately in response to what is happening. As she gets older I want her to understand what is happening, not just mummy being weird and scary. I certainly don't want to 'put anything on her' in regards to responsibility or emotional burden, but an open line of communication is important to me. I think some of the scariest things when I was a kid were the things I didn't understand, and was stopped from understanding by well meaning adults. They were a lot less scary when I made sense of them.

 

I can't imagine telling a story about slavery to a child asking about kidnappings. (the sort of slavery that does happen in some of todays modern kidnappings is far more horrifying than the rapes anyway, I am not about to pretend it doesn't exist and just tell it as some silly story, I would be belittling my own experiences to do that, and I don't want my kids to know it is real until they are much much older, so modern slavery is simply a no-go topic right now. The only situation I can see that being a good idea is to someone who is genuinely ignorant of modern slavery, particularly in regard to child prostitution, and thinks they are spinning a story like Cinderella instead of realizing they are making light of a terrible act which still occurs but is rarely mentioned in mainstream media because it's too distasteful, even for them.)

 

I am not about to go into graphic details about what might happen, but I absolutely agree with the honest, age appropriate response. I wish I had known it as a child, maybe I would have recognized some of the things which happened to me long before it was too late. But as it was, the one and only time I told someone that I was uncomfortable with another adult I was told I was being silly and he was just being friendly and felt sorry for me. Because I completely lacked the vocabulary and understanding, I couldn't explain what was happening beyond 'feeling funny' and they weren't going to act without actual accusation. Had that one incident been treated differently, maybe my life would be very different now. I will not leave my kids with the same lack of understanding and inability to comprehend that I had, but I think I can give them those skills without giving them nightmares (and I had those too. I remember watching law and order SVU with my mum regularly. I also remember another show which had a rape scene, and having nightmares for years afterwards, though no one actually explained exactly what happened. I'd never let my kids see something like that at the age I did, and I'd never give those sort of graphic details to a child who couldn't handle it because they are terrifying) 

 

We need a balance between knowledge for safety, without overexposure when a child is too young to cope. It's hard.

 

 

 

Regarding your 10yos, I would just say that some people feel sexually attracted to children the way that most adult men are attracted to adult women and vice versa. These people are wrong and scary and what they do is illegal and hurts the children in a lot of ways. Some people go to the extent of trying to take a child, or trick a child, to go with them for this purpose because then they don't have to worry about being found by other adults. It's scary and wrong. You never go with an adult other than mummy or daddy anywhere unless we leave you with them, like family members. If a grown up ever tries to make you go somewhere with them, you should be as loud as you can to scare them off. People who do these things don't want other adults to know, so if you fight and yell and scream, you will scare away the kidnapper, and the other adults will think you are a hero, like the kids on the tapes on the news sometimes! You'll have let adults who could do something know that a bad person was there so he could be caught. If you aren't sure if they're bad, it's ok, the adults can sort it out later, if you feel unsafe at all you are absolutely ok and allowed to draw as much attention as possible to scare the bad person away. It's better to accidentally draw attention to a nice person than to not scream if it's a bad person, and any nice person will understand why you were screaming because they want children to be safe too, if they are nice people they won't be angry with you for doing that. (if this ever actually occurs, THEN we can deal with where the miscommunication came in)

[Mom in High Heels]

I just had this discussion with my 10 year old again today, and come to think about it, we briefly talked about it as a family in the car last night. We've been very upfront about the reasons why, the 10 year old kind of gets it, the 7 and 5 not so much.

 

We have a "family password" (it's really a nonsense phrase with made up words and will be change each time it's used). We've drilled it into our dc that unless the person (child, adult, aunt, uncle, best friend's parent, etc...) know it, they don't have permission to go with them and are to make the biggest scene possible to gain the attention of others who are near by.

 

We have a family password too.  I had one with my parents.  I think it's a good idea.  Fortunately there has never been an occasion to use them, but if we need to we have them.

 

 

We have always been very honest with Indy about child abductions.  We didn't go into graphic detail, but we gave him a brief explanation.  I don't think you have to scare a child, but they should be aware that there are dangers and they need to be careful.  I occasionally remind him to be safe, because he's an incredibly friendly kid and will talk to anyone.  He's pretty careful though.  He and a friend were walking one day, and a guy pulled up and started asking them questions.  They boys apparently didn't say anything, but just turned around and walked away as quickly as possible.

 

When I was about 10 or 11 (roughly Indy's age now), my cousin came to spend the summer with us.  We lived in an apt complex and she and I went to the pool for a few hours.  On the way back to our apt, a guy in a parked van started talking to us, and trying to get us to come over to the van.  We ran back to my house and told my mom.  She called the cops, who arrested him, and it turned out he was wanted in 3 states for questioning about kidnappings.  Yikes.

[TravelingChris]

I wouldn't even deal with the conversation that some adiulst like to sexually abuse children and some of that group grabs kids.  In fact, out of stranger abductions, quite a number are not for pediophilliac purposes but ofter even more  dark purposes.

[Laurie4b]

I think the appropriate thing is to discuss with children what they need to do to protect themselves, more than the aberrant motives of adults.

 

So, for protection from sexual abuse in the way it normally occurs (grooming by someone they know), it's important for them to know that no one is supposed to touch their private parts without a reason (ie help bathing, wiping, medical reasons) and that they are allowed to say no to any touch that makes them uncomfortable (including Aunt Mabel's kisses), and that they are to tell a parent if anything like that happens. Tell them that sometimes people try to trick kids by offering them treats, etc and telling them not to tell their parents.  And if it happens, it is  never their fault, even if they forget to tell their parents, etc, etc. Then we put that into practice in their lives, allowing them to say no to touch they didn't want, etc. All that is about what can happen and what they can do to protect themselves.

 

For protection against kidnappings, what they need to know is how to protect themselves more than about the sexual abuse of kidnapped children (though they are likely to find out from the news). They need to know that most abductions by strangers end in death and that some keep the child for a slave. (This is what is different about sexual abuse from strangers, or relative strangers. It's rare that sexual abuse by someone well known to the family ends in death unless the family is keeping company with criminals, substance abusers, etc.)

 

So what they need to know is boundaries about which adults it is okay to talk with (in case it's a crazy neighbor that they've seen instead of a kidnapping by a total stranger), and they need to know to fight like hell if they are ever taken forcibly, to be willing to lie, deceive, etc---things that you normally teach them NOT to do. It will be up to them at that point to get away. This requires something that most kids in nice families do not have, which is a willingness to disobey an adult and a determination to help themselves because they cannot expect an adult to rescue them.

 

Some years ago, a little girl was kidnapped in the mid-Atlantic region, maybe in Phila, but I don't remember for sure. She was tied up in a basement. She was able to get out of ropes, and found the cellar door locked, so she broke a window and got out. Would your kid do that? When I read that, I thought that she had probably been left to her own devices on the streets to some extent. (My mother was raised like that.) And I wondered whether my kids would sit there and cry for mom and dad--because in every other case in their lives, we had been there for them. Or would they deliberately destroy property by breaking a window?

 

So I think what is more important than teaching them motivations of adults who do that, is teaching them what to do to save themselves:

 

Do everything you can not to get into the car. Kick and scream and bite. Say, "This is not my daddy! Call 911! Save me!" Teach them some basic self-defense such as a hard pinch or bite to the underside of the bicep hurts like crazy, or a blow upwards to the bottom of the nose, etc. Don't obey. When my kids were little, when I would teach them not to hit, bite, kick, etc, I would say, "The only person that you should ever do that to is a bad man."

 

If you are in a car, cause an accident. Grab the steering wheel, bite, etc. Try to get the attention of people in other cars.

Before the car and in the car are the only places where a potential victim of a kidnapping with intent to kill will have a chance to get away.

 

Teach them that kidnappers who keep their victims lie. They tell the kids that their parents didn't want them, sold them, stopped loving them, and that no matter what anyone says, you will never stop loving them and never stop looking for them and you want them to remember that and to try every day to escape. Teach them that they will say that they will harm their family if they try to escape, but that is a lie, because they don't have that much power.

 

You can teach them that kids do stop trying to escape (give stories) and that you want them to be one of the ones who never stops trying to get help or get away. Teach them that it is okay for victims to lie to those kinds of people in order to escape.

 

 

[JustEm]

Okay this is what happened when my boys were sixish -- and they haven't asked again.

 

At 10 I'm not sure what to tell them. Meaning: how to keep it ten-appropriate?

 

Alley

 

 

 At 10 I would tell them the truth.  That some people do bad things and a person who wants to kidnap a child will most likely want to harm them in a sexual way. I assume by 10 they have some sense of what sex is and what their sexual organs are for.  Not all the details but something. There is no need to focus on the sexual aspect, instead just focus on things those type of people do in order to coerce a child to come with them (I need help finding my puppy, your mom asked me to take you to her, I'll hurt your parents if you don't come with me, etc.)