How do you feel about roadside memorials?

[Kari C in SC]

An 80 something year old woman was killed crossing a street around here and someone puts a wreath or something at the crosswalk.

I don't think age matters. I love my mom tremendously and would feel just as devastated if she were killed in an accident. Why would anyone think that and 80 or 89 year old or whatever age would be loved less than a younger person?

[Slartibartfast]

Honestly, it doesn't really matter what I think or you think or anyone else. It is about what comforts those that have lost somebody. To some it makes no sense. To others, it is the obvious choice. My son was killed in a car accident in Alaska. We live South Carolina. Most likely, I will never go to Alaska and visit the scene. Very soon after his death, I was sent pictures of the roadside memorial that was growing. It started with his army boots and a cross. It grew with fast food, alcohol, skittles, notes and love. Honestly, I don't think I would have done those things. I think I would have been afraid to go there. But I appreciate the love that went into each of those acts. I appreciate the soldiers that took the time to snap a photo of themselves and send it my way. Somehow it is all they felt they could do in an awful situation. My son was "adopted" by an soldier's family. They had him over for dinner, holidays, etc. Their one daughter was 14 when he died and 18 now. This past year, her family was getting out of the military and leaving Alaska. One of the last things she did was make beautiful foam flowers and took it to the scene and attached it to the sign. She said she didn't know if she would ever make it back there, but she wanted to leave her love just once more. She sent me pictures and it did my heart good to know how much he is loved and remembered. So, while, I probably would not do these things, I understand those that do and am thankful for their kindness. Each person grieves in their very own and unique way.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

I don't believe the intent of the mourner is to create a message in the slightest.

 

I said I don't mind them.

 

I imagine if I lost someone I would want to mourn and memorialize in the manner I chose.

I don't know if the mourners want to create a message, either. So why do people say, "they serve as a good reminder to drive carefully?" I think that is the least valid of the reasons for their existence...a point you seemed to disagree with and to which I responded.

[SKL]

I always thought they were designed to remind people of the risks of drunk driving (and other types of recklessness).  They make me sad, but I don't think they are wrong.  I can't be sure, but I suspect they have had more of a positive than negative effect on community behavior.

[unsinkable]

Because other people have been reminded to drive carefully by them............?

That was rhetorical. But thanks.

[Dana]

I just remembered there is one memorial nearby that does bother me. A bicyclist was killed by a semi-trailer truck. The family painted a bike white and have chained it to a sign on the side of the road. There is usually a picture or message there as well. It is very distracting, looks like it takes up part of the sidewalk, and I'm surprised it's okay for them to chain it to a road sign. The little memorials don't bother me but this one seems like a bit much.

That's called a ghost bike.

[Slartibartfast]

I don't know if the mourners want to create a message, either. So why do people say, "they serve as a good reminder to drive carefully?" I think that is the least valid of the reasons for their existence...a point you seemed to disagree with and to which I responded.

 

 I have a box of borax here that says not to eat it, I don't find that valid but I guess some need reminders. It doesn't need to be valid to everyone, just one person. 

 

I was in a rather serious car accident because someone plowed into me on the highway, if I had forgotten to wear my seatbelt that day I would be dead. I might be careful but that doesn't mean everyone is.

[Amber in SJ]

This is the part where Amber tells a funny (to her) story in the middle of an unfunny topic:

 

Around here the memorials are common.  They get large and are often a nuisance, extending out onto the sidewalk or street.  The larger the accident; the larger the memorial.  I usually have to explain to my children what it is all about.  Last year we were passing a old, military cemetery.  From the street we could see rows and rows of white crosses.  From the backseat my son's voice piped up,

 

"What happened to all those people?!?!?!"

 

He thought it was another roadside memorial.

 

Amber in SJ

[Kari C in SC]

This is the part where Amber tells a funny (to her) story in the middle of an unfunny topic:

 

Around here the memorials are common. They get large and are often a nuisance, extending out onto the sidewalk or street. The larger the accident; the larger the memorial. I usually have to explain to my children what it is all about. Last year we were passing a old, military cemetery. From the street we could see rows and rows of white crosses. From the backseat my son's voice piped up,

 

"What happened to all those people?!?!?!"

 

He thought it was another roadside memorial.

 

Amber in SJ

This reminds me of something my dd said when she was 5. She was born in Florida, but we were visiting my hometown in Illinois. We were driving through some of the suburbs of Chicago and there were many graveyards. She quietly asked from the backseat, "Why do so many people die here?" It is not common to see many graveyards where we lived in Florida, so she was quite freaked out that I had taken her to some awful place!

[LucyStoner]

Here they seem to be replaced after a time with a state printed In memoriam sign. There are a few places I have seen a cluster of such signs, with different death dates. Honestly, that does remind me to drive safely. I am not a reckless driver at all (no violations, no accidents) but it's only normal to find a sign like that somewhat sobering.

[Laurie4b]

I don't mind them because it's a family's way of grieving. There is one at the highway right across from the entrance to our development, so I see it every day. A young man's car hit a tree and almost split the tree in half . I don't know what cause the accident--probably a deer. There is nothing inherently dangerous there, so it doesn't serve as a warning. 

 

 It is a Latino family. I hadn't thought of that before as significant but since others have mentioned it, maybe it is.  I hadn't thought of that before.

 

 I use it as a reminder to pray not just for that family but for others I know who have recently lost loved ones. So it's useful in my life, too.

[wendyroo]

There is nothing inherently dangerous there, so it doesn't serve as a warning. 

 

 

That is part of what road side memorials remind me - it's important to be mindful and safety conscious even when the road doesn't seem particularly dangerous.  It is "easy" to be a careful driver at night on icy, unfamiliar roads.  I need to be reminded not to be complacent even in ideal conditions.

 

Of course, not all accidents can be prevented, but road side memorials remind me to be diligent in doing my part to prevent them or limit the fallout every single time I get behind the wheel.  They remind me to spend an extra minute making sure the kids are buckled up just right.  They remind me that even if I have driven a route 3000 times that I still need to pay attention to my surroundings because a deer might run out in the road on the 3001 time.

 

Wendy

[DawnM]

I have teens.  They are soon to be driving teens.  I point them out regularly, especially when the person's age is on the cross or memorial.  Teens get in fatal accidents more than any other group of people……I want them VERY AWARE.

 

If one of my kids died in a car accident, I might put one up.  I have no way of knowing, but they don't bother me at all.

[DawnM]

That is beautiful.

 

 

Honestly, it doesn't really matter what I think or you think or anyone else. It is about what comforts those that have lost somebody. To some it makes no sense. To others, it is the obvious choice. My son was killed in a car accident in Alaska. We live South Carolina. Most likely, I will never go to Alaska and visit the scene. Very soon after his death, I was sent pictures of the roadside memorial that was growing. It started with his army boots and a cross. It grew with fast food, alcohol, skittles, notes and love. Honestly, I don't think I would have done those things. I think I would have been afraid to go there. But I appreciate the love that went into each of those acts. I appreciate the soldiers that took the time to snap a photo of themselves and send it my way. Somehow it is all they felt they could do in an awful situation. My son was "adopted" by a soldier's family. They had him over for dinner, holidays, etc. Their one daughter was 14 when he died and 18 now. This past year, her family was getting out of the military and leaving Alaska. One of the last things she did was make beautiful foam flowers and took it to the scene and attached it to the sign. She said she didn't know if she would ever make it back there, but she wanted to leave her love just once more. She sent me pictures and it did my heart good to know how much he is loved and remembered. So, while, I probably would not do these things, I understand those that do and am thankful for their kindness. Each person grieves in their very own and unique way.

 

[mommymilkies]

Assuming they're not in your yard or creating a nuisance like the one Mrs. Mungo described, I can't imagine being bothered by them.  I also wouldn't participate in one, but who am I to judge how others grieve?

:iagree:  Provided they don't become nuisances.  I have seen them become unruly and I have seen online and locally where the memorials were put up on private property (businesses and homes) and it made people uncomfortable.  If a crash happens in front of a business, I hardly think they want to be seen as a death scene.  And at a home-if you have kids, it's uncomfortable to have people stare at your yard which becomes a huge memorial, or worse yet strangers hanging out there.  Otherwise, I have no issue.

[brehon]

I feel like they serve as a reminder that I've been in my current line of work a long, long time.

[Jennay]

Generally, I don't mind them.  I pass by at least 5 on a daily basis, one at the entrance to our neighborhood.  A young man drove into a tree on New Year's Day and died.  It was a sober way to begin the year.  Often the memorials remind me to pray for the soul of the person who died and for their family.

[WagsWife]

A small cross/flowered right after it happens but much more than that is over board.  I also think it depends on the circumstance.  Tragic accident fine...completely preventable accident caused by the person/people who died...not so much.   

 

A few.years ago on Halloween, a car full of highschool football players were drag racing on a street full of trick or treaters.  It was a dead end street, and they missed the turn hitting a light pole. It killed all but one in the car.  For years the families would put stuff up at the site.  Not small things--big things like a Nativity at Christmas.  The town let them for a while but then started taking it down, the families gave the town a lot of trouble and they ignored the town's.wishes.  The whole thing really bugged me, especially how the families.grieved like it was a tragic accident and the boys were not to blame for the entire thing. As tragic as those deaths were...I am.just glad they were the only.ones killed and it was not an innocent group of trick or treaters.  

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

They're a good indicator to slow down and be more aware. Before I moved there were several areas with white crosses and fake flowers; one section had 3 cross from 3 different incidents. Whenever I saw them I drove more carefully.

[happi duck]

I think this is a tricky topic because grieving is unique and personal. These types of memorials put something personal into the public sphere.

 

We witnessed a friend killed in a traffic accident. It was horrible. We will never pass that spot without thinking of our friend. Some mutual friends highlighted the anniversary of the accident in a public way without warning us and it really caused us shock and renewed grief both as grieving friends and traumatized witnesses. I can't help but wonder if some memorials, esp.large changing ones, cause witnesses grief.

 

We loved our friend but we won't place a memorial. We saw the woman who caused the accident both at the scene and in court...she was distraught and devastated and will have to live with the emotional and legal consequences. It would feel cruel to set up a public reminder of the terrible thing she'll never forget.

 

I guess my take is that people grieve in different ways and should be allowed to grieve...but sometimes other people might be hurt by making something personal, public.