Jean in Newcastle Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 do you just listen to all they say and sift through for the gems (which are many) and toss out the garbage (which is infrequent but does happen)? Or do you call them on the garbage? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 1. I am prayerful (my form of it) about who I ask, who I ask in the situation I seek guidance, and the words I use. Therefore, when I ask, I am more likely to get feedback that is a match for my context. 2. I ask as an intelligent, seeking, human being. I absolutely retain the right to (again, prayerfully) take any, all, or none of the feedback. 3. In *accountabiity* relationships, I am extra careful on #1 and, if something doesn't feel or sound right, I will meditate on it and perhaps involve another party for another perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I think that if you've asked them for their input/advice/counsel, then you should listen and carefully decide which bits to use and which to ignore. I do not think you should 'call them on' anything. You were the one who initiated the connection and they have taken the time and energy to assist you. I think it would be rude to use that moment as an opportunity to "call them out" on anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 In general I agree with Audrey's take on it, but there are some topics I would have to at least make clear I disagreed because I wouldn't want silence to be taken as tacit agreement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirth Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I'd sift. You said garbage was infrequent, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 do you just listen to all they say and sift through for the gems (which are many) and toss out the garbage (which is infrequent but does happen)? Or do you call them on the garbage? I think it depends on how important the "garbage" is to the overall advice. If it's just some little, incidental garbage, I'd look past it and concentrate on the bigger picture, but if the garbage is the most important theme of the advice, I would politely mention that I didn't agree with the way the conversation was heading and that I didn't think that type of approach would work for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I glean what I can from their perspective and discard the rest. Everyone has different life experiences and knowledge base that their advice is based on. The information that is not useful to me may not be bad advice, just wrong in my situation. Those are never going to match another person's situation exactly. I think the person who is asking for advice needs to take that into consideration when absorbing/applying an outsiders advice. If the person giving counsel is giving blatantly wrong advice ie applying Biblical scripture incorrectly, I may talk to them at a later time to see if we can clarify our different interpretations of the scripture. If I am not finding a solution on my own and have already tried my own arsenal of life skills, I am more likely to take advice that is counter to my own instincts and actually try to apply it to the situation. ie. when parenting my 7yo (pdd-nos/Aspergers) sometimes I ask her therapist for a completely different way to approach the situation that I would not normally do. She is great at coming up with unique strategies to try. Even when I think to myself "there is no way this will work" I am still more likely to try it anyways, because my perspective and way of handling the situation wasn't working. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I think that if you've asked them for their input/advice/counsel, then you should listen and carefully decide which bits to use and which to ignore. I do not think you should 'call them on' anything. You were the one who initiated the connection and they have taken the time and energy to assist you. I think it would be rude to use that moment as an opportunity to "call them out" on anything. This is how I have been approaching it. But recently they were talking about chronic illness and what they said was b.s.! It has nothing to do with why I'm talking to them to begin with so I just shut up and let them talk. But then later I wondered if that was wimpy and perhaps not quite honest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 This is how I have been approaching it. But recently they were talking about chronic illness and what they said was b.s.! It has nothing to do with why I'm talking to them to begin with so I just shut up and let them talk. But then later I wondered if that was wimpy and perhaps not quite honest. In those situation, I sometimes ask people where they got that information so I can research that perspective more. Rarely does anyone have a source for their BS and the few that do, have unreliable/unproven/wrong information like Mercola or outdated studies (ie vaccines/autism). By figuring out where someone gets their information, it also helps me to understand how they get their 'good advice' also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 depends upon how big the garbage pile is, and the relationship. eta: I was going to add that it also depends if I've tried to explain reality to them before, but then I noticed you were asking about those you actually *asked* for counsel, as opposed to those who voluntarily dispensed their unvarnished wisdom. it seems those who aren't actually asked, but volunteer, dispense the biggest garbage piles. (and they are often fall into the "don't try and teach a pig to sing" catagory.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask people to clarify things (what do you think about that in relation to this information? what do you think about X? Do you ever experience Y as a consequence? Do you have personal experience with this? How did you make that decision?), without really 'calling them on it.' 'Calling someone on something' has a connotation that we are confronting someone who has crossed a line. Asking someone for an opinion, asking for counsel, is not the same thing...even if we disagree with them once we hear their counsel. If we respect them enough to ask, we can respect them enough to hear them out, think about it, and discuss it. Correcting them is not a part of that conversation unless you know something they don't (and even that would be polite), Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I sift and sort. And I don't ask only certain people, I'm open to anything anyone has to suggest - because I'm capable of sifting and sorting, I don't feel any need to limit who I solicit advice from. I've been surprised by some gems I've gleamed from people I didn't care for, or didn't think could offer me anything worthy. I've also been surprised to realize advice I originally sifted out, would end up being helpful at a later point ... sometimes that later point was me being more open to such suggestions, but usually it was my situation changing in a way my tunnel vision originally blocked me from seeing (that was easier for an outsider to see). As for the garbage - sometimes I call people out on it, sometimes not. It depends on the relationship and the person, and quite frankly - on my mood. LOL Some days I can call someone out in a manner that is appreciative of their advice yet assertive to my own situation. Some days, not so much. Some people not so much, either! If someone appears open to bantering back and forth, friendly disagreement or argument, I'm likely to engage that. If someone is set in his ways and will dig his heels into his garbage, I save my energy for venting about him later to someone else. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Sift, but you can also put up boundaries. Stop them. "That's beyond the scope and not up for discussion. Refocusing back to X, tell me more about..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 This is how I have been approaching it. But recently they were talking about chronic illness and what they said was b.s.! It has nothing to do with why I'm talking to them to begin with so I just shut up and let them talk. But then later I wondered if that was wimpy and perhaps not quite honest. Could you steer the topic back to why you were talking to them to begin with? Because in that case, I don't think that calling them on their bs would do any good. If they don't know what the heck they're talking about it's probably because they have no way of comprehending the realities of chronic illness. You are not going to change their mind or be able to educate them on it. People can be stupid like that. I would try to get back on topic and let it go -- and make a mental note to try to find someone else a bit less obtuse on that issue. It is, I know, a serious issue for you. You should have someone more considerate of you on that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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