New Psych wants me to put son in school

[jelbe5]

I never seem to have success with psychiatrists. The best one left the medical group we were going to in order to begin private practice. The last psych would not return my phone calls or refill scripts.

 

So now I have a new psych and I desire medication management. Today is the second time we have met with him and he strongly suggested I put our son in school and get family counseling. Counseling is not necessarily a bad idea, but he referred me to an agency that is not in our network and $ is tight.

 

But the thing that really rattled me is his insistence I put our son in school. We decided not to use the inadequate district we live in years ago after touring the very pitiful, rather abusive (IMHO) program that was offered to us.

 

I should not be surprised, but I was. I just feel frustrated. Life can be hard enough.

 

I needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

[Starr]

:grouphug:  I'm sorry you have to go through this to find the medical help you need.

[texasmama]

Ugh. (((Hugs))). He should stick to prescribing meds and leave it at that.

 

Eta: Its not inappropriate for a psychiatrist to suggest family counseling, but you did not go to him for advice on school.

[Guest]

:grouphug: Do you have Blue Shield by any chance?

 

That was my experience when ds1 needed a psych. I even got such wise gems as "Why do you care whether he goes to homeschool or public school as long as his teacher is happy with his grades? Just call up the principal of homeschool and tell him to send ds's records to the principal of public school!"

 

I wound up firing him, paying out of pocket, and not being able to afford as much therapy as ds would have benefited from. It sucked.

 

I hope you're able to get your meds straightened out. Your son's education is none of this guy's business anyway. You're consulting him about your own health issues.

 

[Twilight Woods]

Ours did the same thing. I put her back in school and it was just a disaster. She did not return this year and we are no longer using their services. Our MD does our medication management. 

[chiguirre]

 I had a pediatric neurologist do this to me once. I went on the attack and explained exactly why we pulled Geezle from public school. The doctor shut up about public school immediately and never mentioned it again. TBH, I don't tolerate doctors who disrespect their patients. I'm a competent adult and I've found the best solution available to us. I don't entertain opinions from people who don't know the ins and outs of the situation.

[Joanne]

*Exactly why I posted the thread about advertising as a professional who is supportive of alternative choices.*

 

Here's what I'd do. I'd fire him. And I'd write a letter why:

Dear Professional,

Thank you for the services you provided. However, I am not comfortable with the boundaries you crossed in your recommendations for my family. You have not taken sufficient time to know my family or family dynamic to make recommendations about my family's educational worldview. You have not earned that right, and your opinion on the topic was unsolicited and not informed by objective criteria.

 

I have homeschooled for "X" years. In those years, I've learned that persons, including professionals, will often filter family challenges through the knowledge that we homeschool. Admitting a child into a more traditional setting is a constant "default" option and fix. Instead of taking a holistic assessment, the easy, default option to fix problems is offered without meaningful discourse on the whole of my family's situation.

Thank you for the recommendation that my family would benefit from family counseling. I hope to make those arrangements when budget allows and I've found a professional supportive of educational choice.

 

SIncerely,

 

Mom of Family Awesome Seeking Help

 

[Orthodox6]

Is it JAWM, or is this brainstorming?

 

The better psychiatrists do discuss life issues.  It is in recent years only that they have become medication providers instead of "whole treatment" providers.  I was fortunate to work with a "whole treatment" psychiatrist when I needed one. 

 

I guess I am wondering whether the p-doc was immovably biased against homeschooling, or whether he was truly concerned about your personal well being (which well being may, or may not, be well-suited at this point in time for homeschooling).  If you are ill-at-ease discussing homeschooling objectively -- (and many of us homeschoolers do have a difficult time being objective about it) -- perhaps you misread the man's signals and/or his intents.  . . .  As with many posts, we here don't have enough information to go on.  We did not hear his tone of voice, hear his precise choice of phrase, etc.

 

Best wishes as you work through things!  

[jelbe5]

Thank you all for your replies and insights.

 

We do have BC/BS HMO - I have never been thrilled with the mental health services.

 

The psych was actually pretty thorough in his exam, which I was pleased with. And we are getting meds at this time. But he wants to see us in another month. That is not unreasonable but I was wondering if he would refuse to continue to prescribe meds if I did not put the boy in school or go for counseling. But if that happened I could request a new psych.

 

Orthodox6, you bring up a good point - perhaps I misread him. It took me off guard. And it is frustrating in that we live in a poorer community with crappy schools - I think dealing with the schools would add to my burden, not help (which is where I think he was coming from). A good district could be a blessing but not so in our district.

 

Thanks again for letting me vent and for your insights. It helped me to write this out and read replys . . . I think I felt somewhat trapped without options but I know intellectually that is not so. I was just amazed at how quickly I felt cowed when he began to talk about putting my son in school - I really froze like a deer in the headlights.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I am sorry you felt challenged, it is hard enough finding help sometimes, hate getting "stuck" with someone less than ideal for our family.

I hope you are able to work with this person, you've gotten some good advice here.

 

[justasque]

Orthodox6, you bring up a good point - perhaps I misread him. It took me off guard. And it is frustrating in that we live in a poorer community with crappy schools - I think dealing with the schools would add to my burden, not help (which is where I think he was coming from). A good district could be a blessing but not so in our district.

 

Chances are good that *his* kids go to school in a good district, you know?  He may be blissfully unaware of the differences in the schools available to you vs. those available to him.  

 

You made your decision to homeschool for, no doubt, many reasons.  On your next visit, you can be prepared to discuss the pros and cons of putting your dc in public school.  Write down your thoughts, just so you have it straight in your mind before your visit.  

 

Not knowing your situation, I can't judge whether his suggestion was well-founded or appropriate, or not.  But your doc works for *you*, not the other way around.  If you don't like a suggestion, you have every right to say so, and to discuss other approaches to the problems you are facing.  

[Haiku]

Ugh. (((Hugs))). He should stick to prescribing meds and leave it at that.

 

Yikes. I would not want my dd's doctor to just shove meds at her and "leave it at that." We have cultivated a relationship with dd's doctor over the 7 years since we adopted her. Imo, it's important that a doctor know his patient and his patient's life circumstances, and it's entirely appropriate that he or she make suggestions as to how things may be improved. The patient can always decline the suggestions.

 

I understand the OP's frustration about being told to put her ds in school after just two visits, but psychiatrists should be a much better resource than just med prescribers.

[DawnM]

My guess is that the psychiatrist is unfamiliar with homeschooling and is suggesting you do what is deemed "normal" thinking that your child will receive more "services" in the public school system.

 

I wouldn't even engage if he is that adamant.   I would just move on to someone new.

 

We had a Psychiatrist test my son for ADD when he was 5.  He did not have ADD (he is now diagnosed with Asperger's and LDs), but the Psychiatrist took that opportunity to tell me that I would have to loosen the apron strings at some time, I couldn't keep him home forever.

 

We just want to know if he is ADD, but thanks.  I never went back.

[Mom-ninja.]

I've been told that both directly and indirectly. It's irritating to say the least.

[fairfarmhand]

Is it JAWM, or is this brainstorming?

 

The better psychiatrists do discuss life issues.  It is in recent years only that they have become medication providers instead of "whole treatment" providers.  I was fortunate to work with a "whole treatment" psychiatrist when I needed one. 

 

I guess I am wondering whether the p-doc was immovably biased against homeschooling, or whether he was truly concerned about your personal well being (which well being may, or may not, be well-suited at this point in time for homeschooling).  If you are ill-at-ease discussing homeschooling objectively -- (and many of us homeschoolers do have a difficult time being objective about it) -- perhaps you misread the man's signals and/or his intents.  . . .  As with many posts, we here don't have enough information to go on.  We did not hear his tone of voice, hear his precise choice of phrase, etc.

 

Best wishes as you work through things!  

 

To dovetail with this post...perhaps you can help him learn a bit more about homeschooling and give him a more balanced view of school choice.

[Orthodox6]

Mercifully, we have worked with pediatric and adult psychiatrists who respected our homeschooling.  Sadly, not every p-doc is so well-versed in education choices.

 

I went out on a limb, I knew, when I raised the very delicate issue of homeschooling parents not always being objective.  This next is about me, and is not a comment on other families. . . .  Homeschooling has been a core value for me these nineteen years.  When one child's behavioural and psychiatric conditions became too severe for homeschooling to be in his best interests, I struggled so hard to be unselfish and place his "big picture" as higher priority than mine.  We enrolled him in a therapeutic outside school for ten years.  (Senior year was homeschooling.)  In separate circumstances, when I was too ill to function for four years, it would have been the right thing for us to place our children in outside schools.  My irascible stubbornness refused to yield, and we stumbled on.  That everything turned out well is not to my personal credit.  I believe it fair to admit that I was selfish.. . .  I mention this only because there actually are good-quality professionals who look at the entire family situation with objectivity and, yes, with compassion.  They may offer recommendations that do not please a parent and/or a child, but they do so with reasonable, rational cause. 

[texasmama]

Yikes. I would not want my dd's doctor to just shove meds at her and "leave it at that." We have cultivated a relationship with dd's doctor over the 7 years since we adopted her. Imo, it's important that a doctor know his patient and his patient's life circumstances, and it's entirely appropriate that he or she make suggestions as to how things may be improved. The patient can always decline the suggestions.

 

I understand the OP's frustration about being told to put her ds in school after just two visits, but psychiatrists should be a much better resource than just med prescribers.

you left out my ETA when you quoted. And the vast majority of psychiatrists prescribe meds and that is all. Glad you have a more thorough psychiatrist. In days past, that was more the case but not so much now.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:  

 

i am not sure what issues you are dealing with, but with ODD, giving the family some time without the openly defiant person can be helpful for everyone.  the ODD child will learn better from someone who isn't their primary defying person, and the primary defying person (often the mother) can often be more consistently pleasant and clear if she's had a few hours without having to be "on". 

 

of course, he may just lack knowledge, but there may be some good reasons as orthodox6 mentioned. 

 

could you ask him what specifically about school he thought would be helpful?  if its structure, for example, you could add in more structure.  if its a separate learning and home environment, you could set up a school room or a desk that is only used for school work.  etc, etc.  if nothing else, it indicates how willing you are to do what it takes to help your child.  it also holds him accountable for advice that ought to have been health-based.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

eta:  i just read your last post.  if it is the burden you are carrying that concerns him, perhaps you could find someone who could come into the home for two hours a week to give you a break.  you could even still be in the house, just not interacting with dc.  we have discovered that something like music lessons can meet this need in a way that is beneficial for everyone.

[zoobie]

Did he only suggest it once? If he suggested it with a reason behind it, and he goes forward respectful of your decision not to follow his advice, I wouldn't fire him over it. He's an outsider, trained to solve problems. He should suggest all the solutions he sees. School is a valid, necessary choice for some families, and changing the family dynamic could make the family a healthier place. If it's not an option, it's not an option, but suggesting it once doesn't equal disrespect to me. He's doing his job by examining the variables and seeing what can be changed.

[LydiaG]

I am seeing a therapist for post partum depression, and yesterday he recommended that we put my defiant child back in public school because the stress wasn't worth it. I told him I would consider it, and I have been thinking about it. But, when he tells me this (I have only seen him three times and he told me this on two occasions), I get annoyed: I don't want him to get rid of my situation, I want his help coping with it.

 

I briefly posted on another thread about a book I am reading, "The Kazdin Method for parenting the Defiant Child". I started using Kazdin's reward system in our home for school work (they get a star/point - and lots of praise- for starting a subject on their own and then another star/point and praise for working for 30 minutes uninterrupted) and the results have been great. My stress level has decreased because I am not constantly nagging and dragging my kids back to do school work. My life has become more manageable.

 

I really appreciated the previous post by Orthodox6 about home schoolers' ability to be objective when discussing home schooling. I know I get defensive when my therapist suggests public school, but after reading this thread, I am seriously considering what is best for my defiant ds10. I am going to try Kazdin's Method for two more weeks and then reevaluate our situation. 

 

Thanks for the great posts!