I am about to do something very difficult

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

My DD10 is supposed to make and post a YouTube video tomorrow for a friend's collaboration project. I know she doesn't remember, in spite of working on this project every week for several months now. Every other week, I've poked her. Prodded her. Brainstormed ideas for her. Helped her film. It was making me nuts, and I finally vowed to let her sink or swim on this, though I did still remind her each week. This week, I am NOT going to remind her. I'm not. I'm not even going to ask her if she thinks she's forgotten anything. 

 

I swear I'm not. 

 

:willy_nilly:

[sparrow]

Ugh. My son is so absent minded. I completely understand.  I'd probably cave and give a hint, since any time I've tried to "teach him a lesson", so to speak, it didn't help. He still lives in the fog.  I'm hoping to see improvement in the coming years. Dh thinks I'm funny :lol: .

 

Good luck!

[Sandragood1]

Oooh, that really is difficult to do!

 

Good for you.

 

After she fails to remember this assignment on time you might want to talk about things she can do to help remind herself (calendars, post-it notes, etc).

 

Sandra

[Parrothead]

Are you sure? She is only 10.

[Unicorn.]

Pffft!  Try getting a teen boy to do his paperwork for his Eagle project.  You'll appreciate your dd!

[Dana]

I'm working at not reminding my 10yo son about his guitar practice. I'm hoping that a crash and burn at being unprepared for lessons one day may be motivating. I've been pleasantly surprised at him picking up the pace. I think I've bit a hole in my tongue though!

 

Good luck this week!

[OrganicAnn]

It is so difficult to know when to start pulling back and let them sink or swim.   I think it is very important to do.   Some kids go off to college and still have parents remind them of papers or deadlines.   

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Are you sure? She is only 10.

 

I'm sure. She needs the accountability. She has literally been doing this same project every week for several months now. The same day of every week, even. We discussed it when she took on the project and I explained that if she wanted to do it, I would let her, but that it had to be HER project, not mine. She even has the reminder and topic on her Google calendar. Yet, every single week, I have to remind her and hound her to get it done, because she procrastinates and then forgets. We've already spoken about it this week!

 

When it got the point where I was the one actually coming up with the video ideas instead of her, I decided it had to stop. Since then I've been slowly backing away. It is finally time for me to hand it off fully. I really don't think it's too much to ask that she remember something that she's supposed to do every single Monday, and that she enjoys doing even!

 

It's an ongoing problem with this kid too. She's my passive one--the one who will stand in front of the fridge and ask me where the cream cheese is and whine that she can't find it instead of moving a few things to look for it, even after I told her it's on the middle shelf  :smash:

[MomOfOneFunOne]

AMDG

 

Well, she is 10 and you do usually remind her.  Maybe you could remind her this time and then have a talk about not reminding her.  Then she is responsible and has a heads up.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

It is so difficult to know when to start pulling back and let them sink or swim.   I think it is very important to do.   Some kids go off to college and still have parents remind them of papers or deadlines.   

 

You know, this is what finally galvanized me. I had a long conversation a week or so ago with my aunt, who has a beautiful, kind, sweet, caring, brilliant 19-year-old who won't make her own doctor or dentist appointments and is about to get locked out of classes and potentially lose scholarship money because she hasn't completed some of the things she needs to do to sign up for her required classes. My aunt mentioned how her DD looked on the uni website to figure out how to do something (transfer credits or something), and told her mom she couldn't figure it out, so she never did it. My aunt went to the site and found the info she needed within minutes and gave it to her, then finally ended up just doing it for her so that it would get done. That is SO exactly what I would do, and I do not want to be doing it at that age! If I had asked my parents to make me a dentist appointment at 19, they would have laughed at me. As we had that conversation, my aunt and I were comparing notes and we both kept saying, "Oh, my DD is the exact same way!"

 

I've known for awhile now that I need to stop coddling this kid, because she relies on me so heavily. I realized it's better to let her learn a lesson when she's only responsible to her friend over a YouTube video than when she has to function in college and can't. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

AMDG

 

Well, she is 10 and you do usually remind her.  Maybe you could remind her this time and then have a talk about not reminding her.  Then she is responsible and has a heads up.

 

We've already had that talk several times. And then I remind her anyway. At some point I have to actually not remind her. 

[Dana]

We've already had that talk several times. And then I remind her anyway. At some point I have to actually not remind her. 

 

And it is SO SO SO hard to do!!!

 

Feel free to send me a PM when you REALLY REALLY WANT to tell her to do the project :)

 

I'm also working at giving positive feedback afterwards, "I really am pleased that you did your guitar practice before dinner tonight."  ;)

[sparrow]

I do have to ask, will it affect they friend's whole project?  It's one thing to practice sink or swim for your own kid's project, but I worry when it will affect others, you know what I mean?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

And it is SO SO SO hard to do!!!

 

Feel free to send me a PM when you REALLY REALLY WANT to tell her to do the project :)

 

I'm also working at giving positive feedback afterwards, "I really am pleased that you did your guitar practice before dinner tonight."  ;)

 

Thank you, I really appreciate that. And what a brilliant idea! I don't often get to do that for this kid because I'm so on autopilot to "rescue" her after all these years that she doesn't often get the opportunity to show me that she can rescue herself (and she really doesn't want to). I'll definitely watch for opportunities for that!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I do have to ask, will it affect they friend's whole project?  It's one thing to practice sink or swim for your own kid's project, but I worry when it will affect others, you know what I mean?

 

No, not at all. I definitely wouldn't risk that, and that what makes this a perfect opportunity. This is just a fun thing they do on YouTube, and if she forgets, it will just mean that there won't be a new video posted for Monday, and that she'll probably get a questioning email from her friend, and then she'll have to find a way to get the video made. There's not even a pre-assigned topic this week, so DD can do whatever she wants to do with it. Now she just has to REMEMBER :lol:

[klmama]

Never mind.  You answered my concern.

 

[OhanaBee]

Both of my oldest had to learn this lesson the hard way.  And with both of them it was registering and paying for college classes BEFORE the deadline.  With my oldest she actually lost all the classes for which she had signed up and had to start over again from scratch.  She never forgot after that point. 

 

Good for you for sticking to your guns!  Your dd will be very thankful later in life.

[sparrow]

No, not at all. I definitely wouldn't risk that, and that what makes this a perfect opportunity. This is just a fun thing they do on YouTube, and if she forgets, it will just mean that there won't be a new video posted for Monday, and that she'll probably get a questioning email from her friend, and then she'll have to find a way to get the video made. There's not even a pre-assigned topic this week, so DD can do whatever she wants to do with it. Now she just has to REMEMBER :lol:

 

OK. I feel better. Carry on, mama.

[DianeW88]

You are absolutely doing the right thing.  Children need to learn that their lack of action will result in consequences they might not like...even at a young age.  I made sure my kids were allowed to suffer those consequences when they were small, and it has made all the difference.

 

My two oldest are in college (my dd is about to be married in three weeks), and they do everything on their own.  I can't even imagine running any kind of interference for them at their age.  Yet, they both know other young adults whose mothers still do almost everything for their high school and college aged children.  These are kids who never had a job outside of the home as teens, who never had their own checking accounts or managed them (mine had both checking and savings accounts as young teens), who've never been responsible for making their own appointments for the doctor, the dentist, the hair salon, etc., and getting their little behinds their on their own, who never purchased their own clothes, who never even arranged to take their own SAT or ACT exams, for heaven's sake.  These kids never did their laundry, cooked meals, had their own cars, paid their own insurance....nothing.  It's ridiculous...they're adults, but Mommy is still swooping in and managing their lives for them.  Barring any sort of neuro-developmental problem, I think all kids should be able to handle everything I mentioned by age 16.  After that...parents are not doing their children any favors in life.  Look for them to be living in your basements at some point in their future.  *rant over* :D

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

You are absolutely doing the right thing.  Children need to learn that their lack of action will result in consequences they might not like...even at a young age.  I made sure my kids were allowed to suffer those consequences when they were small, and it has made all the difference.

 

My two oldest are in college (my dd is about to be married in three weeks), and they do everything on their own.  I can't even imagine running any kind of interference for them at their age.  Yet, they both know other young adults whose mothers still do almost everything for their high school and college aged children.  These are kids who never had a job outside of the home as teens, who never had their own checking accounts or managed them (mine had both checking and savings accounts as young teens), who've never been responsible for making their own appointments for the doctor, the dentist, the hair salon, etc., and getting their little behinds their on their own, who never purchased their own clothes, who never even arranged to take their own SAT or ACT exams, for heaven's sake.  These kids never did their laundry, cooked meals, had their own cars, paid their own insurance....nothing.  It's ridiculous...they're adults, but Mommy is still swooping in and managing their lives for them.  Barring any sort of neuro-developmental problem, I think all kids should be able to handle everything I mentioned by age 16.  After that...parents are not doing their children any favors in life.  Look for them to be living in your basements at some point in their future.  *rant over* :D

 

Come on, Diane, don't hold back. Tell us what you really think! :lol:

 

I hear you. I was like your kids. By 18, I was out of the house, never to move back. Now that I'm an adult, I can look back and see that my parents actively stepped back from my life so that I was forced to move forward. I had a job when I turned 14, my own money, autonomy over my schedule and financial decisions (though I wish they'd talked to me more about handling money instead of letting me learn on my own there!),  a great amount of autonomy over educational decisions (I left school early and went on to college instead), etc. 

 

With my own kids, intellectually, I know what I need to do. But I can't seem to get myself out of the "Here you go, honey!" mindset. It's so ingrained in me now, I don't even realize I do it until later, when I'm kicking myself (like yesterday, when I found myself tracking books down for her in the library). With my youngest, I will not have this problem :lol: She is going to do what she's going to do, no matter what I say. With DD10, I think it's a combination of being a pleaser (so she never wants to do anything incorrectly) and being a bit lazy (and why not, when you have a mother who will do it FOR you?). 

 

I still haven't said anything...

[Dana]

 

I still haven't said anything...

 

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

 

It's hard!!! Hang tough!

[goldberry]

I instituted a serious consequence for DD if she doesn't take care of a certain chore, after ongoing issues.  I reminded her a few times in spite of the fact I decided not to remind her.  Last Friday I finally DID NOT REMIND HER.  *sigh*  Consequence implemented.  I hate these parts of parenting.

[happi duck]

We are each the expert regarding our own children.  Hang in there!  It sounds like you're doing what you know is the right thing for your dd.

 

I do need to add though that moms doing things for older kids does not automatically turn them into incapable adults.  I'm guessing that some people will struggle with adulthood no matter what.  I also understand that some kids need to sink in order to be forced to swim.

 

My mom did kind things for me and, you'll need to trust me on this, I became a responsible adult.  I am capable of doing everything needed to live an adult life...including the things that my mom did for me as a kindness.

 

 

[gingersmom]

Uggh. I have a 16 year old that needs constant reminding. Even that doesn't work sometimes.

 

I go between constant reminding and taking the high road and letting her deal with the consequences.

[Murphy101]

Good for you!!

 

Still sucks tho.

 

Btdt

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

She just posted her video! She came out of her room a little while ago and said, "Hmmm, what should I make for my video?" I said, "What video?" and she looked at me like I was crazy :lol: Woohoo! Thanks for the discussion, everyone. I need reminders of this weekly, I think. I'll have to post signs all over the house that say, "Let them do it themselves!" 

[Mnemosyne]

She just posted her video! She came out of her room a little while ago and said, "Hmmm, what should I make for my video?" I said, "What video?" and she looked at me like I was crazy :lol: Woohoo! Thanks for the discussion, everyone. I need reminders of this weekly, I think. I'll have to post signs all over the house that say, "Let them do it themselves!" 

 

Sounds like a good opportunity for some positive reinforcement! ;)

 

I'm glad it worked out!!

[SKL]

Great conclusion!

 

I would have found it very hard and 10 kinda young, but then I remember back to my own childhood.  My parents never helped or reminded me about any school or fun work, ever, and I did well.  I think even those of us who believe in "free range" still probably wait longer than we need to before we let them go, nowadays.  Myself included.