Kathryn Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Background: My dad left my mom for another woman a few weeks before I was born. My half-sister was born a year later. I spent about a week with them in the summer maybe five times when I was growing up. Then, he left his second wife and I didn't see my half-sister for about eight years. My mother and I visited my ex-step-mom and half-sister for a weekend when I was eighteen. I saw my half-sister maybe five times for a few hours since then when she was with my dad when we were visiting with him, but the last time was six years ago. I don't have contact information for her and I doubt she does for me. She has mental health issues and has spent her entire life living with her mother (in complete seclusion, mental health issues there also) or our dad and step-mom. I see my dad, who lives two hours away, for a couple of hours once a year. I got an email from my dad last night that half-sister woke up yesterday to find that her mom had died in her sleep. She had lupus and lung cancer and they expect she had a heart attack. My dad said he had taken half-sister back to his house. I have no idea what to say or do. I don't really know her or her feelings about me. I've always gotten the feeling that she resented my existence. I don't want to intrude on her, but I feel like I should do something more than email back "tell her I'm sorry." What would you do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 I would send her an actual sympathy card by snail mail to your dad's house (but addressed to her). I wouldn't try and make the sympathy card do any more than just express sympathy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Everyone can use pretty flowers and chocolate. Send some and a simple card. Don't worry if she accepts it graciously or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 I agree with Jean, Kathryn. Send a sympathy card to your half-sister in care of your Dad. You don't have to write anything personal or specific, just send a card as you would to anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 I would send her an actual sympathy card by snail mail to your dad's house (but addressed to her). I wouldn't try and make the sympathy card do any more than just express sympathy. :iagree: It would acknowledge that you're aware of it and would express sympathy without being pretentious. There's no need to pretend the two of you have a relationship, but a sympathy card would not be out of line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 21, 2013 Author Share Posted May 21, 2013 Thank you, I will do that. Would it be rude/pushy to ask about the funeral or if there will be one? Again, I don't want to intrude. I tried to stay in touch with her for a while after she turned eighteen, but it seemed like she was bothered by it, so I gave up. She and her mother were invited to our wedding (thirteen years ago yesterday) but neither one even RSVPed and she's never acknowledged the fact that she has nephews. Her mother was always very kind to me when I was a child in her home, and I am saddened to hear of her death. I'd like to be there for my half-sister if that would be welcomed/comforting. I'm nervous about offending her by appearing too distant or too pushy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 When my mom died I appreciated flowers and cards from everyone- especially the unexpected. A sympathy card telling her that her mother had been kind to you and you are saddened to hear of her death seems appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahliarw Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 I would send the card to her, but email your dad asking about the funeral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Thank you, I will do that. Would it be rude/pushy to ask about the funeral or if there will be one? Again, I don't want to intrude. I tried to stay in touch with her for a while after she turned eighteen, but it seemed like she was bothered by it, so I gave up. She and her mother were invited to our wedding (thirteen years ago yesterday) but neither one even RSVPed and she's never acknowledged the fact that she has nephews. Her mother was always very kind to me when I was a child in her home, and I am saddened to hear of her death. I'd like to be there for my half-sister if that would be welcomed/comforting. I'm nervous about offending her by appearing too distant or too pushy. Maybe you could ask your dad what he thinks you should do. If you hadn't mentioned that she has mental health issues, I would probably just say you should attend the wake or the funeral if you feel that you want to go, but in this case, you may not be able to predict her reaction. Also, if she has a lot of problems -- and I know this is going to sound kind of mean -- you really need to ask yourself how involved you want to be in her life. She may need a lot more help and support than you can give her, and because she lived with her mom, she may be particularly needy right now. You have your own family and you were never close to her, so if I was in your situation, I would send her a very nice sympathy card with a quick note about how nice her mom was to you when you were a kid, and leave it at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 21, 2013 Author Share Posted May 21, 2013 Maybe you could ask your dad what he thinks you should do. If you hadn't mentioned that she has mental health issues, I would probably just say you should attend the wake or the funeral if you feel that you want to go, but in this case, you may not be able to predict her reaction. Also, if she has a lot of problems -- and I know this is going to sound kind of mean -- you really need to ask yourself how involved you want to be in her life. She may need a lot more help and support than you can give her, and because she lived with her mom, she may be particularly needy right now. You have your own family and you were never close to her, so if I was in your situation, I would send her a very nice sympathy card with a quick note about how nice her mom was to you when you were a kid, and leave it at that. You're right. I needed to hear that. I sometimes mourn the family I never had and I pretend in my head that I can somehow still have a chance for that. I guess with having to cut my mother out of my life finally and losing the baby last month, I've been especially sensitive lately to family issues. As someone here had predicted, my mother said something to her parents that has led them to not respond to my calls or emails. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 you know where she is, she's with your dad. I assume you have a physical address. what do you normally do when someone close to you has a death in their family? send a note/card? flowers? cookies? she's still your father's dd too, and I would imagine is really hurting if she was that dependent upon her mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 I sometimes mourn the family I never had and I pretend in my head that I can somehow still have a chance for that. You can make sure your children have that family. there is great satisfaction and healing in that. Your children are still young, but as they get older and you see them having the family you *wished* you'd had growing up, it can be healing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 :grouphug: I agree with sending a card care of your dad, and asking him if you have any questions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 My dad was married to someone before my mom. Both my dad and my half brother's mom remarried. At my Dad's funeral my half-brother's other half sisters (from his step-father) both attended and expressed sympathy. I think both my sister and I found it sweet, but then again we didn't live in seclusion. Send a card. Call your dad and ask him if the card you sent was enough or if you should attend the funeral. She was your stepmother, even if you barely knew her. My stepmother has been openly antagonistic towards all of my dad's family, but I still called her when someone died (I didn't want her to be embarrassed to not know when someone in town asked), and I would still go back for her funeral. Every family is different though. It cannot hurt to ask your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 You're right. I needed to hear that. I sometimes mourn the family I never had and I pretend in my head that I can somehow still have a chance for that. I guess with having to cut my mother out of my life finally and losing the baby last month, I've been especially sensitive lately to family issues. As someone here had predicted, my mother said something to her parents that has led them to not respond to my calls or emails. Sigh. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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