Help me figure out consequences for this one.

[Canadianmumof5]

So the 3 oldest went back to school 2 months ago. It is fine. But We are pretty sure that we will be homeschooling again in the fall (yippeee!)

 

DD9 did something at school today that i am FURIOUS about. DS11 is beside himself. She wrote a note to one of the girls in DS's grade 6 class - it was all about DS. Personal info like that he has started wearing deoderant, the brand that he likes, things he does at home, etc.

 

She was actually denying it but DS said the girl showed him & then she recanted and said she did send a note but it wasn't about him. There is no way that this girl would know this info if DD hadn't put it in the note.

 

I am so angry at her. We have had many talks about what is private and stays in the family. The kids like to go & tell gramma & grampa who got in trouble for what, etc. We haven't had any issues with that recently and now this at school!!!

 

What was she thinking?? DS11 is really embarassed and angry. I completely understand.

 

I told DD we would discuss it when DH gets home.

 

But i am totally speechless. Why would she do this!!?? And what should we do about it!!??

[Catwoman]

What an awful, hurtful thing for your dd to have done to her brother! I would be livid, too!!!

 

I'm not sure what the consequences would be, but wow, there would certainly be some! She needs a serious lesson in how to treat her brother, and how family members absolutely don't do things like this to each other -- although even at 9, she should have known better than to have written that note (and lying about writing it and then lying about what was in it, made things even worse, because she wouldn't have lied if she didn't know that what she had done was wrong.)

 

Did she do it to be mean, and to embarrass her brother, or did she do it as a way of showing off to the girl in your ds's class? Some kids will say and do some incredibly stupid things to try to make friends with an older kid.

 

I think it's crucial to figure out your dd's intentions.

[AmyontheFarm]

:grouphug: Isn't raising children fun? Sounds like she is craving attention. I would giver her lots and lots of attention - she would be dropped off 2 minutes before the bell and I'd be standing there waiting when the end of the day bell went and I would probably pick her up at lunch time so she could eat with me in the car. All extra's in life would evaporate for a week, like computers, music, friends, etc. I'd take tomato staking to a whole new level and she would be blessing her brother by doing his chores for the week.

 

But I'm weird like that. :)

[Cindy in FL.]

I agree with Catwoman that it is important to know you dd's reasoning behind the note. That information would be a large part of determining consequence for me.

[Momof3littles]

Is she craving attention or having a hard time forging friendships? It seems like she's trying to get approval from someone, you know?

[Tita Gidge]

Has she said why she did it?

 

Was she the one who initiated the information exchange, or was she responding to a request for information?

 

Wrong is wrong, dirty laundry is dirty laundry, but I think intent does matter.

 

If she intended to embarass him, ruh-roh. If she intended to gain favor with these girls at his expense, not good. If she thought she was doing something helpful or if she was goated into it because those girls wanted info about her brother, well - that's a different beast that demands different consequences IMO.

[Tita Gidge]

Whatever her intent, I think a sincere apology is appropriate, with some reparations on her part.

 

I'd seek Brother's input on how she might be able to help right this wrong (in his eyes) when determining what reparations those might be.

 

It's a good lesson for both of them. We live and die by the "dirty laundry" analogy here, but some kids just lack a filter and good, common sense.

 

I'm so sorry for your son, I'd be embarassed also.

[Jennifer3141]

What is the relationship like between the two siblings?

 

What does your DS love that your DD could add to or what chore does he hate that your DD should now do for him for a specified amount of time?

[Canadianmumof5]

Intent. I think it is a combination of wanting to get his attention and trying to be the cool little sister to his classmates/her own. She does have her own group of friends - no concerns there. She is at her catechism class so we haven't had time to sit down & discuss all of this yet.

 

In terms of the relationship between the 2 of them, I would say it is typical sibling stuff. One day they are playing great together, the next they are on each other's last nerve. Obviously they had way more time together when they were at home so DS played more with her; whereas now he is all about his friends. He does play with his siblings but it just isn't the same KWIM? As I'm typing this, I am beginning to wonder if maybe she is missing him and just doesn't quite know how to tell him/us? That would make total sense.

[Canadianmumof5]

What an awful, hurtful thing for your dd to have done to her brother! I would be livid, too!!!

 

I'm not sure what the consequences would be, but wow, there would certainly be some! She needs a serious lesson in how to treat her brother, and how family members absolutely don't do things like this to each other -- although even at 9, she should have known better than to have written that note (and lying about writing it and then lying about what was in it, made things even worse, because she wouldn't have lied if she didn't know that what she had done was wrong.)

 

Did she do it to be mean, and to embarrass her brother, or did she do it as a way of showing off to the girl in your ds's class? Some kids will say and do some incredibly stupid things to try to make friends with an older kid.

 

I think it's crucial to figure out your dd's intentions.

 

Could be partly this too. When DD was in grade 1 at this same school, we pulled DS out in the middle of the year (DS was grade 3) - these same older girls were always going out of their way to find her, play with her, ask her about her brother.......yes, even in grade 3.

 

And yes, she absolutely does know better!! That is the part that makes my head want to explode!

[Canadianmumof5]

:grouphug: Isn't raising children fun? Sounds like she is craving attention. I would giver her lots and lots of attention - she would be dropped off 2 minutes before the bell and I'd be standing there waiting when the end of the day bell went and I would probably pick her up at lunch time so she could eat with me in the car. All extra's in life would evaporate for a week, like computers, music, friends, etc. I'd take tomato staking to a whole new level and she would be blessing her brother by doing his chores for the week.

 

But I'm weird like that. :)

 

Not weird at all. I think this is perfect.

Now to figure out a way to help the relationship mend after this. That is the harder part.

[Anne in CA]

My younger sister is four years younger than me and did stuff like this to me all the time, we went to a small school so I literally didn't get away from it until I moved out, lol. Unfortunately it is an easy way for her to make friends, by dishing on someone else. And if that person has to like you at the end of the day because you share a home it is risk free. I'm glad you are not making it risk free. My mother NEVER disciplined my sister for this, although my mother was often depressed and a lazy parent in general, and it took a real hit on my sister and I's relationship for life. She STILL does not respect me like a grown adult should, but I love her anyway, I don't think she is perfect so we are even. I would make the consequences for this big enough for her to not do this again if their relationship is to make it.

[AK_Mom4]

I would definitely enlist input from your DS as the injured party as to what reparations would help him feel better, since it was his privacy that was violated. Obviously you have to put your approval on it (sending her away to a desert island might make him happier about it, but it's not really an option KWIM?). You may need to suggest some things, but it will help your DS to weigh in.

 

BTW, I don't think intent matters much here. At age nine, she knew that telling that stuff about her brother was the wrong thing to do. Intent might matter with how you deal with other things going forward, but I think she will have to own the consequences of her actions on this one with no excuses.

[Tita Gidge]

BTW, I don't think intent matters much here. At age nine, she knew that telling that stuff about her brother was the wrong thing to do. Intent might matter with how you deal with other things going forward, but I think she will have to own the consequences of her actions on this one with no excuses.

 

 

See, I thought the same but in reverse LOL.

 

I can understand a one-time, initial bad call. I've seen it even on this forum, and definitely elsewhere on the internet where we overshare information that isn't necessarily ours and then regret it. Or regret being caught by it. Or regret how the thread turned. Or regret posting in the heat of a bad moment. Or whatever, but we weren't thinking clearly and we regret it.

 

But to do it again going forward? To me that's when intent matters less, and the consequences must be owned without excuse. We all mess up sometime, but to not have learned anything from it - especially at the expense of someone else - well, that's hard to forgive IMO.

 

That may just because I'm the slow-witted one who has to make every single mistake to every learn anything. I was a hard kid to raise, and to be raised WITH for that matter. I wasn't Anne in Ore.'s sister, though, how awful for you, Anne!

[AmyontheFarm]

A quiet chat with brother about what consequence he would like to see ( no desert islands, LOL) but also, remind him that he needs to not rub it in that she is getting in trouble. Be gracious.

[zoobie]

Oh how humiliating for your DS. :( That's a really tough one. Something privacy related maybe? Lose her bedroom door, do lots and lots of research on privacy... I'm trying to think of good books on respect and gossiping. How to earn his trust back... Is anything else going on with her?

[misidawnrn]

I personally wouldn't make a big deal of it. Maybe the girl at school has a crush on DS and DD was trying to give her some cool information about him. Since she is a great letter writer, I would make her write a sincere letter of apology to DS. I had a baby when my sister was in 7th grade. My mom took pretty graphic pictures of the birth and my wonderful sister was very interested in birth and loved her new little nephew. YEP...she took the pictures to school! I was mortified that a bunch of little 7th graders saw my junk. That baby is 22 years old now and I am no longer mortified and have forgiven my sister. She didn't do it maliciously, she did it because she thought it was cool!

[Ravin]

I discussed this with DD (other kids' mistakes make teachable moments). She's not sure she can relate because she doesn't have any close siblings, but she thinks grounding for a week or two would be appropriate--but a month is too long (though in the brother's shoes, she'd want to see her grounded for a month).

 

I think she's about on the nose as far as consequences, if grounding is a consequence you use. This is a big one and needs consequences, regardless of motivation.

[Joker]

I did something kind of similar to my older brother once. The only discipline I received from my parents was a discussion about not sharing family stuff with others. The worst part about the whole thing was my brother's anger and disappointment. It was horrible for me to see and feel how upset with me he was. He didn't share things with me and was very standoffish for weeks after the incident. His reaction, and how it made me feel, was the reason I never did it again.

[twoxcell]

I'm wondering if the girl pressured her for the info. I remember older girls acting friendly to my sister and me and then try to get info about our brothers from us. My sister had this happen more than I did. I don't have any advice about the discipline but just wanted to throw that out there. ;)