This difference in values sometimes does get me down.

[Lisa R.]

 

 

 

The differences you list are much more life-style and $$ related than values related.

 

The things you are listing all sound like consumption related. Is that really all they are interested in talking about? Is that really all *you* are interested in talking about? Shopping and eating? (boooorrrring!)

 

 

 

I agree. Stephanie has offered some good advice in her post.

 

It seems that perhaps your post could have been worded differently to reflect how you really feel. It seems that the problem with your relatives isn't their values. The problem also isn't that they are wealthy or want to be wealthy. It's that they are very self-centered people. Self-centered people, whether rich or poor, are annoying and difficult to socialize with.

 

It is a good life lesson for your kids. Oftentimes when people are trying that hard to make a good impression, they do make an impression. It's just not the impression they are wanting to give.

 

Being relaxed, talking with humility, showing an interest in others is proper etiquette and good form.

[Catwoman]

I hate to be harsh, but your original post sounds rather self-serving and condescending. You make it sound like you are the "good values" person while your relatives . . . are . . . not.

 

In a later post, you attach mean nicknames to your relatives (I won't post in case you think better of it and edit it) that could be hurtful and insulting. That makes it sound like you don't like these people, so your original lament about feeling left out seems rather hollow.

 

The differences you list are much more life-style and $$ related than values related.

 

 

 

I can understand how you felt that way about Quill's post, but if you ever get a few free minutes, go back and read some of her older posts about the same SILs, and I think you'll change your opinion.

 

Quill has really gone above and beyond the call of duty with these family members, and they have consistently treated her poorly in return.

[violamama]

So SIL says to me, "I mean, it IS expensive, but DIL makes plenty of money and you just have to treat yourself. She deserves it." I just don't think this way...she

 

 

I hear you, this right here ^ is guilt talking. Or embarrassment, or some combination with fear of judgment wrapped up in a bow. I know because it's there for/from my ILs although we do generally like each other. We just have a completely different take on some things, and for whatever reason my dear MIL in particular is the very first to loudly point that particular stuff out over and over and over...

 

Here are a few topics we have sat through, not unlike one will sit through an obnoxious commercial for a dumb movie:

Hilary Clinton needs to have plastic surgery. (It was one of the few times I felt like I was on Hil Clin's side, KWIM?)

Adoption is a big scary unnecessary risk designed for OTHER families. (We have reached acceptance there, but it took a good 3 years of frustrating conversations in which every comment can and will be used against a person.)

Spending money on expensive clothing is necessary. Not doing so probably means you have self-esteem issues.

Tanning is fine and necessary to keep up appearances for some people. (FIL is an oncologist for pete's sake!!!!!!!)

Men should probably choose to have high dollar careers at the expense of family time 99.9% of the time, and if they don't it's likely their wife is pushing them around.

 

Whew. Thanks for letting me hijack and commiserate. Like I said, the people I've had the above repeated discussions with love me and I love them. It's just their nature to strike out first on these topics, I think to determine how much I will judge them (??). I've gotten over it hurting my feelings and making me feel excluded (mostly. kinda.). Now, on a good day, I look at it as a cry for affirmation and I try to find something to either compliment or something to be totally honest about. Injecting humor really helps, especially if it's self-deprecating.

 

Anyway. Hugs for the awkward dinner convos and complex family relationships!

[Lisbeth]

 

See I don't even know if I see any of it as bragging. If a person spends a lot of time on whatever it is they do that is what they have to talk about.

 

I don't know what people want to talk about anymore. Or maybe I never did know. The only people I can talk homeschooling with is other homeschoolers (and not even all of them). Other people think you are bragging, insulting them, etc. if you talk about it.

 

I just don't talk to people most of the time.

 

I agree. When DH started being more successful, we started doing and wearing more expensive things, and taking more expensive trips, hiring more expensive tutors/lessons.

 

I had (!) a friend who I adored, but she was doing financially badly, and I felt I could never talk about what we were doing, because she would get offended and her face would get clouded. I had to constantly self-censure and it got stilted and not fun. We drifted apart. :(

 

I have read it is impossible to have a friendship when you vary more than an (X) (I forget) amount of IQ points different. I am not sure about that, but I think it can be hard to be friends when your lifestyles vary greatly financially. The person with less can't talk about his or her financial struggles without the other one thinking they are passively asking for money. And the wealthier one can't talk about normal life for him or her without it seeming like bragging.

 

'Tis a problem.

[QueenCat]

 

I agree. When DH started being more successful, we started doing and wearing more expensive things, and taking more expensive trips, hiring more expensive tutors/lessons.

 

I had (!) a friend who I adored, but she was doing financially badly, and I felt I could never talk about what we were doing, because she would get offended and her face would get clouded. I had to constantly self-censure and it got stilted and not fun. We drifted apart. :(

 

I have read it is impossible to have a friendship when you vary more than an (X) (I forget) amount of IQ points different. I am not sure about that, but I think it can be hard to be friends when your lifestyles vary greatly financially. The person with less can't talk about his or her financial struggles without the other one thinking they are passively asking for money. And the wealthier one can't talk about normal life for him or her without it seeming like bragging.

 

'Tis a problem.

 

I've felt the same way before. If I mention something fun we're doing, I'm a snob? But others can mention what they're doing as long as it was inexpensive?

[PachiSusan]

I am not sure about that, but I think it can be hard to be friends when your lifestyles vary greatly financially. The person with less can't talk about his or her financial struggles without the other one thinking they are passively asking for money. And the wealthier one can't talk about normal life for him or her without it seeming like bragging.

 

'Tis a problem.

 

 

Or you are pinching pennies and your husband is unemployed and you (gasp) buy something and have to justify that it was on the as is damaged rack, etc...

 

It sucks on both ends. LOL

[QueenCat]

 

Or you are pinching pennies and your husband is unemployed and you (gasp) buy something and have to justify that it was on the as is damaged rack, etc...

 

It sucks on both ends. LOL

 

 

I haven't experienced unemployment but we have gone through large paycuts. I can remember telling someone I couldn't do something because ds had piano lessons that day. Her look, knowing we were going through paycuts, made me cringe.... My parents had gifted the piano lessons, as well as an activity for my other child but I really didn't feel like I should have to explain that! Now, things are much better, but I often find myself not sharing so I don't appear "snobby" or whatever.....

[Catwoman]

 

I've felt the same way before. If I mention something fun we're doing, I'm a snob? But others can mention what they're doing as long as it was inexpensive?

 

 

I think a lot of it is about the way in which people say things. I got the feeling that Quill's SILs were trying to impress her (and each other.) If someone says they're doing something fun, no one should be upset about that. But if that same person says they're doing something fun and then details exactly how much money it's going to cost (and accompanies it with a pitying "too bad you can't afford it" expression,) then I can understand why people would take it the wrong way.

 

Likewise, other people brag like crazy about all of the inexpensive and free things they do -- and try to make everyone else feel badly because they spend money on stuff... because you know, if you're not doing all kinds of free stuff, you mustn't be creative, smart, or interesting. Anyone can spend money, but a truly intelligent person doesn't need to. :glare:

 

So it goes both ways.

[QueenCat]

 

I think a lot of it is about the way in which people say things. I got the feeling that Quill's SILs were trying to impress her (and each other.) If someone says they're doing something fun, no one should be upset about that. But if that same person says they're doing something fun and then details exactly how much money it's going to cost (and accompanies it with a pitying "too bad you can't afford it" expression,) then I can understand why people would take it the wrong way.

 

Likewise, other people brag like crazy about all of the inexpensive and free things they do -- and try to make everyone else feel badly because they spend money on stuff... because you know, if you're not doing all kinds of free stuff, you mustn't be creative, smart, or interesting. Anyone can spend money, but a truly intelligent person doesn't need to. :glare:

 

So it goes both ways.

 

 

So very true. I was really responding to another poster, not Quill, with that remark.

[Catwoman]

 

So very true. I was really responding to another poster, not Quill, with that remark.

 

 

I figured that. I was just trying to relate it back to the OP, because I've been going off-topic a lot lately! :blush:

[LucyStoner]

I dunno. I have friends who are poor and friends that are independently wealthy and never need to earn another dollar in their life. So long as the relationship goes beyond the superficial (clothes, vacation destinations etc) and there are shared ideas and interests, I don't see why cross class friendships are impossible.

 

As a penny pincher by choice, I might get flack from those on either side of the spending habits spectrum but I choose not to be friends with anyone who focuses on the things they have and the things I have and not the people we both are. I've felt awkward in certain very wealthy situations but that wasn't because anyone was making me feel awkward. It was because of what I was feeling. I think sometimes we find fault with others when we are really just dealing with our own issues, ego and self identity.

 

While my high spending relatives (some with less $$$ than we have- spending and income don't have to match) befuddle me and I them, that doesn't mean I love them any less or vice versa. And on the bright side, we end up with some SWEET castoffs...my brother for example lent and doesn't expect back 2 Wii games to my son yesterday because he knows my son likes those games and because they don't play them anymore. And they know that because I value paying for experiences, I will treat them and/or their kids for trips. Why alienate from loving family members over this stuff? And if they aren't loving family members, why bother with them at all?

 

 

[Guest]

I dunno. I have friends who are poor and friends that are independently wealthy and never need to earn another dollar in their life. So long as the relationship goes beyond the superficial (clothes, vacation destinations etc) and there are shared ideas and interests, I don't see why cross class friendships are impossible.

 

As a penny pincher by choice, I might get flack from those on either side of the spending habits spectrum but I choose not to be friends with anyone who focuses on the things they have and the things I have and not the people we both are. I've felt awkward in certain very wealthy situations but that wasn't because anyone was making me feel awkward. It was because of what I was feeling. I think sometimes we find fault with others when we are really just dealing with our own issues, ego and self identity.

 

While my high spending relatives (some with less $$$ than we have- spending and income don't have to match) befuddle me and I them, that doesn't mean I love them any less or vice versa. And on the bright side, we end up with some SWEET castoffs...my brother for example lent and doesn't expect back 2 Wii games to my son yesterday because he knows my son likes those games and because they don't play them anymore. And they know that because I value paying for experiences, I will treat them and/or their kids for trips. Why alienate from loving family members over this stuff? And if they aren't loving family members, why bother with them at all?

 

 

Sure, I agree. I have other friends whose financial levels are different from mine. Some spend a lot of money on things I probably would not even if it were an option and some no doubt think I'm extravagant. It is never a problem because I like those folks and they are enjoyable to talk with on the whole.

 

Two of my SILs - this is not the case. I don't like talking to Wannabe AT ALL. Ever. Since I met her 20+ years ago. She's a self-centered, vain, crass and extremely opinionated person. I could fill a book with the awful things she has said and the tedious, idiotic "discussions" we've had.

 

By open choice, I would never spend time with her at all. But in the family culture, everybody does these particular activities together and avoiding or shunning one family member would be unthinkable. So, unless we move to Mars or one of us keels over soon, I have to assume she will continue to be around me from time to time; usually at least once a month, but a lot more often some times of the year.

 

I do wish I could figure out a way to interact with her better, but my past attempts have failed. The closest I can come is to divert any and all attention away from anything having to do with me, my kids, or my plans for the future. Then, at least I don't find myself in some pointless debate with her over something on which we will never agree. If anybody mentions anything that is not what she likes, or not how she does things, she MUST say so. She never says, "Oh, well, how nice for you." No. She must mention her own view, way, experience or whatever.

 

At the dinner, she asked me if we were doing anything special for dh's 50th birthday (which just passed). I said, "Yes, actually. We're going skiing. He didn't want a party, so we're taking this trip instead." She said, "UGH! Skiiing! In April? Aren't you sick to death of the cold? I would never do that. I would be going to Florida!" I said, "Yes, well, it's probably a little weird; not really what people do for Easter break, but it was the first opportunity that our daughter was off school and it would work for us otherwise, so...oh well. It should be nice because there's been so much snow up north." Again, she reiterates how detestable it would be to go somewhere cold when spring has begun. :rolleyes: Then she tells me about what each of her kids have done on their last four spring breaks. This kind of conversation is a regular feature of talking to her. In the best case scenario, I only find her a bore. Most times, she's categorically offensive. This is her continual mode of conversation.

 

In the same evening, she also had a discussion with one SIL (the ExFriend SIL) that went like this:

 

(ExFriend is building a new house and was talking about what the layout will be like...)

EF: "...and the kitchen has a nice big island in the center and is open-concept to the Dining Room and Living Room..."

WB: "Oh, I don't like that. I don't like open-concept kitchens."

EF: "I know you don't, but I do, because I love to entertain and have room for people to move between the kitchen and the..."

WB: "I don't LIKE people in my kitchen. When people are over, I don't want them in my kitchen. I want them to be in the Family and Dining Rooms." (This is true; I can attest. One Christmas, she practically yelled at us to go to the Family Room and get out of the kitchen.)

EF plows on, undeterred: "I know, WB, I know you don't like people in your kitchen, but I do. The kitchen is the heart of the home and I don't want to be stuck in the kitchen while everybody else is socializing."

 

On and on it goes like that. Would it kill her to just say, "That sounds very modern and nice. I know a lot of people LOVE an open concept and having a large seating island."? :rolleyes:

 

Sorry that's rambly and long. I just wish I could navigate things better with her. She's such a piece of work. Ignoring her doesn't work. Indulging her sort of works a little bit, but it's tiring and certainly not enjoyable for me. Debating her is fruitless. Responding with my true beliefs is stupid because I will just have to debate her. :willy_nilly: Literally staying away from her only works for so long and in some cases, it would be foolish because she is where everybody else is. That was one perk of having babies; I could always go nurse the baby or beg off because I had to get the baby home.

[LibraryLover]

 

 

So it goes both ways.

 

 

 

And you can't win for trying sometimes. I decided a long time ago to not take this sort of thing personally. It's ok to smile and say, "How great!"

 

If they persist in making you feel terrible, start clearing the table, or go to the bathroom. If it's constant, don't socialize with these folks.

[QueenCat]

If anybody mentions anything that is not what she likes, or not how she does things, she MUST say so. She never says, "Oh, well, how nice for you." No. She must mention her own view, way, experience or whatever.

 

 

This part would drive me batty.... I know someone like that. Thankfully, I don't have to be around him as much as you have to be around your sil. Oh, and he's always right. And I'm always wrong, despite being 25 years older than him, with far more experience in life! Not that makes me always right either (although in his case, I usually am.....).

[Catwoman]

I do wish I could figure out a way to interact with her better, but my past attempts have failed. The closest I can come is to divert any and all attention away from anything having to do with me, my kids, or my plans for the future. Then, at least I don't find myself in some pointless debate with her over something on which we will never agree. If anybody mentions anything that is not what she likes, or not how she does things, she MUST say so. She never says, "Oh, well, how nice for you." No. She must mention her own view, way, experience or whatever.

 

 

 

It sounds like she loves a debate and likes to bully people into doing what she says. I wouldn't be able to tolerate her, but if you want to appear to be playing nicely, how about if, when she told you she would do something differently, everyone just said (condescendingly, if you'd like,) "Yes, I knew you'd feel that way," and then change the subject? Or smile really big and say, "I'm sure that would be exactly perfect for you," without adding, "but we're going to do XYZ."

 

Otherwise, I think everyone is simply being too polite and letting her get away with too much. Maybe when she says something snotty, people should respond with, "What a terribly rude thing to say," or "OMG, I can't believe you just said that," or "I don't particularly care what you think."

 

Why should you have to keep putting up with her nonsense? I wouldn't.

 

If you only saw her once in a blue moon, I can understand smiling and trying to keep the peace, but at least once a month? Nope. She should be put in her place, and you don't need to tolerate a know-it-all bully.

[LucyStoner]

Quill, I have a BIL like this. He knows everything about everything. And has to share his opinion. Some things he is pretty knowledgeable on and other times, he will literally stand there pontificating on his uninformed opinions about something that is in fact the expertise of the person to whom he is talking. I get the frustration. They still won't change. Try making them a joke in your head. Or be irritatingly quizzical about their statements, asking question after question until they run out of breath. :)

[LibraryLover]

Honestly, it does't sound like you're giving her any more of a break than she is giving you. You're trying to make her think your way is better as much as she is trying to get you to think her way is better.

 

I'd not even engage in this beyond, "I know you love warm weather! Then just excuse yourself to the bathroom.

 

 

 

Sure, I agree. I have other friends whose financial levels are different from mine. Some spend a lot of money on things I probably would not even if it were an option and some no doubt think I'm extravagant. It is never a problem because I like those folks and they are enjoyable to talk with on the whole.

 

Two of my SILs - this is not the case. I don't like talking to Wannabe AT ALL. Ever. Since I met her 20+ years ago. She's a self-centered, vain, crass and extremely opinionated person. I could fill a book with the awful things she has said and the tedious, idiotic "discussions" we've had.

 

By open choice, I would never spend time with her at all. But in the family culture, everybody does these particular activities together and avoiding or shunning one family member would be unthinkable. So, unless we move to Mars or one of us keels over soon, I have to assume she will continue to be around me from time to time; usually at least once a month, but a lot more often some times of the year.

 

I do wish I could figure out a way to interact with her better, but my past attempts have failed. The closest I can come is to divert any and all attention away from anything having to do with me, my kids, or my plans for the future. Then, at least I don't find myself in some pointless debate with her over something on which we will never agree. If anybody mentions anything that is not what she likes, or not how she does things, she MUST say so. She never says, "Oh, well, how nice for you." No. She must mention her own view, way, experience or whatever.

 

At the dinner, she asked me if we were doing anything special for dh's 50th birthday (which just passed). I said, "Yes, actually. We're going skiing. He didn't want a party, so we're taking this trip instead." She said, "UGH! Skiiing! In April? Aren't you sick to death of the cold? I would never do that. I would be going to Florida!" I said, "Yes, well, it's probably a little weird; not really what people do for Easter break, but it was the first opportunity that our daughter was off school and it would work for us otherwise, so...oh well. It should be nice because there's been so much snow up north." Again, she reiterates how detestable it would be to go somewhere cold when spring has begun. :rolleyes: Then she tells me about what each of her kids have done on their last four spring breaks. This kind of conversation is a regular feature of talking to her. In the best case scenario, I only find her a bore. Most times, she's categorically offensive. This is her continual mode of conversation.

 

In the same evening, she also had a discussion with one SIL (the ExFriend SIL) that went like this:

 

(ExFriend is building a new house and was talking about what the layout will be like...)

EF: "...and the kitchen has a nice big island in the center and is open-concept to the Dining Room and Living Room..."

WB: "Oh, I don't like that. I don't like open-concept kitchens."

EF: "I know you don't, but I do, because I love to entertain and have room for people to move between the kitchen and the..."

WB: "I don't LIKE people in my kitchen. When people are over, I don't want them in my kitchen. I want them to be in the Family and Dining Rooms." (This is true; I can attest. One Christmas, she practically yelled at us to go to the Family Room and get out of the kitchen.)

EF plows on, undeterred: "I know, WB, I know you don't like people in your kitchen, but I do. The kitchen is the heart of the home and I don't want to be stuck in the kitchen while everybody else is socializing."

 

On and on it goes like that. Would it kill her to just say, "That sounds very modern and nice. I know a lot of people LOVE an open concept and having a large seating island."? :rolleyes:

 

Sorry that's rambly and long. I just wish I could navigate things better with her. She's such a piece of work. Ignoring her doesn't work. Indulging her sort of works a little bit, but it's tiring and certainly not enjoyable for me. Debating her is fruitless. Responding with my true beliefs is stupid because I will just have to debate her. :willy_nilly: Literally staying away from her only works for so long and in some cases, it would be foolish because she is where everybody else is. That was one perk of having babies; I could always go nurse the baby or beg off because I had to get the baby home.

[Guest]

That is an option. Some people may have no idea just how rude they are being until you call them out on it. You have to be prepared for all the consequences. Dh has had experience with calling people out and improving their relationship. I don't think it goes quite as well with females. But what are the alternatives if it is that bad? Putting up with it? Avoiding conversation? Avoiding them all together? At some point there's a good chance you'll lose it since it's been building up and at that point you'll end up saying something you may regret. It's better to confront them with a calm head after you've had some time to prepare yourself and your family.

 

It has happened, with myself and with other family members. She just doesn't get it. Her husband and adult kids have told her to butt out or shut up or whatever. My MIL used to say things to her like, "You know there's an old saying about how one should not make more than one statement of certainty per day." This doesn't help. I have said to her, "WB, I know that is what you do, but it's not what I do." I have been calm and I have lost my head and yelled at her (not often, but maybe 4 or 5 times over the decades).

 

Honestly, it does't sound like you're giving her any more of a break than she is giving you. You're trying to make her think your way is better as much as she is trying to get you to think her way is better. I'd not even engage in this beyond, "I know you love warm weather! Then just excuse yourself to the bathroom.

 

What is the alternative? I don't really care whether she thinks her way is better or my way is better, but I don't want to have a debate about whatever the topic of the moment may be. Oftentimes, I don't mention my view at all, such as when she was touting the Store where she had shopped. I said nothing. Just "Uh, huh. Yup. They have nice clothes there. Yup." When she was talking about the de-merits of open kitchens, I said nothing. I said nothing while she talked about the TV shows they watch that I don't watch. I said nothing while she talked about restaurants.

 

I also cannot continually leave her presence. I do try to avoid getting stuck with her one-on-one, but there are many times when this would be crazy and terribly rude of me. When she first started talking to me, I was sitting slightly apart from the main group at a small table. I had a monstrous headache and was sitting separately because of it. She came over and stood at the table where I was, obviously to talk to me. Would I get up and say, "Sorry. Diarrhea."?

[fairfarmhand]

Stephanie Z, (not quoting your post because of its length) - a large aspect of it is the two I don't like. Wannabe is impossible to talk with. The category of things I can't discuss with her is very broad. I would not introduce the subject of my kids activities (for example) in my worst nightmare, because Wannabe will just use it as an opportunity to talk about what her kids did at similar ages and always with an air of superiority. If my kids are all in a sport, her kids were all in two sports, or they were on travel teams that had them driving all over the East Coast. At one point, she asked my dd if she had her Learner's Permit yet and then after an affirmative, talked for several minutes about how each of her kids were at learning to drive and what car they had to learn on and how old they were when they first rode the jet ski.

 

I would say more about this, but I need to leave for my class.

the problem is not lifestyle choices or values. It sounds like the problem is self-centered boors. Which come in all shapes and sizes, from all income levels and lifestyle choices.

[mothergooseof4]

I get you. We typically spend Easter with late dh's family. They don't agree with how late dh and I chose to raise our kids or with the fact that I continued most of those ways after he passed. Last Easter, his sister spent the entire day trying to convince me that I NEEDED to get satellite TV for my 13yo because he is missing out on so much of our culture. She even tried to say that he needed it because he likes to cook and could learn so much from cooking shows on TV. I typically just keep my mouth shut while we are there, and new dh (so kind to go along) does the same. I was actually somewhat relieved when one of the kids woke with a slight fever on Sunday. Dh, said kiddo, and I got to stay home while the other kids went to Easter with the inlaws.

[LibraryLover]

Well, I would be less graphic than that about the bathroom. :) You could also make a deal with your dh to hang with you more at the gatherings, or make sure someone else is around so it's not all on you. I know someone who loves to talk about how she could never be married to a man who travels. I do not bother to discuss that with her, and she certainly does not want to hear my stories of free flights & free hotel rooms in nice places (she would probably tell me that her marraige is more important to her than travel. It would be a waste of my time to tell her my marriage was also important to me.). I've chosen not to engage.

I'll hang near dh, or the most understanding one as buffer. If it's too much/too judgy, I've excused myself, to the restroom, to freshen my drink, to see if anyone needs help in the kitchen + if it gets too much. The the last thing I want is to defend my life choices ro her, or anyone. She cares about my kids, and is basically a decent person. She thinks being married to a man who travels says something negative about marriage. Especially mine. Maybe she is jealous of the perks, maybe she really thinks I have a bad marriage. I'll never convince her of anything, so don't bother. I do ask her about her kid/life, and that takes the attention off me.

Because her kid spent a semester in Spain does not mean I have to remind her mine has spent time abroad as well. It simply doesn't matter to me.

[LibraryLover]

Again, sorry for the typos, I'm on my phone. One other thing-- since I love her kids, I really enjoy knowing what is going on with them. Listening to her talk about them means she is not getting her licks in about how 'I could never live that way!" Blah blah blah. How about my dh quit his job and we all come live in your basement.

[Wendi]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I know you wish for your family times with them to be close and fun, and it's hard to feel so "different" in your family.

 

You may have lots of values in common with them, but it sounds like they're not really interested in discussing other things. They're being rude if they don't ask you about your life and interests, and if they're wealthier than you, it is also rather rude to constantly talk about things they know you can't afford. You can try to think of topics of interest to all of you, and bring them up, but that's about all you can do, I guess.

 

Wendi

[HS Mom in NC]

She's not going to change. Accept that.

 

You are completely in control of what you do and think and you have absolutely no control over her behavior.

 

Either change what you're doing as it relates to her or don't change what you're doing as it relates to her.

 

Either change how you think about her or don't change how you think about her.

 

Which ever of those options you choose it your business, but don't be tempted to keep reliving it. When you're not around her, fill your thoughts and conversations (including online discussions) with things that aren't related to her in any way. Don't spend any more metal or emotional energy on her and her grating behavior. Enjoy your time away from her.

[LibraryLover]

She's not going to change. Accept that.

 

You are completely in control of what you do and think and you have absolutely no control over her behavior.

 

Either change what you're doing as it relates to her or don't change what you're doing as it relates to her.

 

Either change how you think about her or don't change how you think about her.

 

Which ever of those options you choose it your business, but don't be tempted to keep reliving it. When you're not around her, fill your thoughts and conversations (including online discussions) with things that aren't related to her in any way. Don't spend any more metal or emotional energy on her and her grating behavior. Enjoy your time away from her.

 

 

 

I agree. Don't give her so much control.

[laughing lioness]

Books cross all social barriers. As someone who is constantly overcoming my own shyness, books bail me out on many a social occaision. I read a wide variety and that always leaves me with something interesting to talk about.

[Guest]

She's not going to change. Accept that. You are completely in control of what you do and think and you have absolutely no control over her behavior. Either change what you're doing as it relates to her or don't change what you're doing as it relates to her. Either change how you think about her or don't change how you think about her. Which ever of those options you choose it your business, but don't be tempted to keep reliving it. When you're not around her, fill your thoughts and conversations (including online discussions) with things that aren't related to her in any way. Don't spend any more metal or emotional energy on her and her grating behavior. Enjoy your time away from her.

 

I know you're right about that. I have not succeeded in carrying that out. My OCD kicking in. I'm a "fixer." I have never managed to fix it, but it doesn't keep me from ruminating about how I might fix it in the future.

 

Books cross all social barriers. As someone who is constantly overcoming my own shyness, books bail me out on many a social occaision. I read a wide variety and that always leaves me with something interesting to talk about.

 

We don't read the same books or kinds of books, either. The only book I'm aware of that we both read was "A Thousand Splendid Suns." Ordinarily, I would agree with you. I've had many a fascinating conversation with people I barely know on the basis of what books we have read and what we might recommend to each other.

[laughing lioness]

We don't read the same books or kinds of books, either. The only book I'm aware of that we both read was "A Thousand Splendid Suns." Ordinarily, I would agree with you. I've had many a fascinating conversation with people I barely know on the basis of what books we have read and what we might recommend to each other.

 

A book conversation can sometimes just change things up enough to shift the focus but I totally get what you're saying.

[Janie Grace]

I have people in my life like this and I have had to conclude the following things:

1. Some people have not been trained (either by parents or through life experience) in the give-and-take nature of conversation. They just don't have a clue that conversation is supposed to be for the sake of learning about others. They approach it thoughtlessly and according to whatever feels natural to them. For some that means complaining, for others endlessly prattling about themselves, for others comparison or seeking to impress. Some people come to conversation with no filter between mind and mouth. It's not their fault (necessarily); it's just how they are.

2. This kind of person will not fulfill me as a friend or conversation partner. I cannot go into time with her expecting otherwise. Make peace with that and just endure the time with those women because you love your dh. (Are they your dh's sisters or your bro's wives? I don't remember.) Either way, listen and smile and nod because you love your dh or brother. Stop wishing they were more than they are.

3. Stop thinking about this. You do sound bitter and you sound like you are defensively elevating your life choices because of their attitudes. You just need to lay it down and walk away. If you like chickens, great. If they like expensive stuff, whatever. Stop letting it get under your skin.

[Guest]

I have people in my life like this and I have had to conclude the following things:

1. Some people have not been trained (either by parents or through life experience) in the give-and-take nature of conversation. They just don't have a clue that conversation is supposed to be for the sake of learning about others. They approach it thoughtlessly and according to whatever feels natural to them. For some that means complaining, for others endlessly prattling about themselves, for others comparison or seeking to impress. Some people come to conversation with no filter between mind and mouth. It's not their fault (necessarily); it's just how they are.

2. This kind of person will not fulfill me as a friend or conversation partner. I cannot go into time with her expecting otherwise. Make peace with that and just endure the time with those women because you love your dh. (Are they your dh's sisters or your bro's wives? I don't remember.) Either way, listen and smile and nod because you love your dh or brother. Stop wishing they were more than they are.

3. Stop thinking about this. You do sound bitter and you sound like you are defensively elevating your life choices because of their attitudes. You just need to lay it down and walk away. If you like chickens, great. If they like expensive stuff, whatever. Stop letting it get under your skin.

 

 

Nicely stated. They are my dh's brother's wives.