Free Time On Computer: What are your rules for middle schoolers?

[fluffybunny]

My son is 12 and we have been allowing 1 hour per day and 4 hours over the weekend free time (semi supervised) on his laptop. All he does is play minescraft and he became so addicted that his whole day was centered on getting that one hour at the end of the day on minecraft. It became a major, major stress for him and us, and a constant distraction from his school work, social time and other activities. So my dh and I are trying to decide what to do: ban computer time altogether? Ban minecraft and gaming, but only allow Wikipedia? Only allow Wii sport games?

 

Incidently, one of the top schools for boys where I live encourages parents to ban gaming altogether with boys up to the age of 15 at least, and it cites reseach that shows how this age group and gender tends to get more addicted than any other (LOL, who needs research to tell you that?). Girls, OTOH, tend towards getting addicted to social media. I also work as a nurse part time in an adolescent mental health unit, and all phones, laptops and gaming are totally banned (except Wii Fit and Sport).

 

I would love to hear from other parents who have found a solution to this problem! Total bans? Allowing only certain sites?

[SilverMoon]

I like that ban. :p

 

Our house: No vidiot games on school days. Period. That includes Wii type games with actual body movements required. If the computer is needed for school (Wikipedia need not apply), they can get on long enough to do that assignment and that's it.

 

Weekends have limited access to video games, but getting a turn is not guaranteed just because it's Saturday. We're very busy on weekends, and there simply isn't much time for them.

 

My oldest ds has had bouts of what looks and smells just like addiction. We treated it as such, which meant a full screen ban for a lengthy amount of time, until he appeared capable of self-moderation.

 

Hindsight being 20/20, middle ds will likely never get to the point of spending an hour or more a day on a game until he's an older teen handling it himself, if he so chooses.

[fluffybunny]

vidiot games

 

 

LOL, I like that description :)

 

We are going to ban the computer during the week, but still deciding what to do about weekends.

 

Would still love to hear other people's policies

[Julie of KY]

We limit time to 1 hour or less - including weekends. Internet use must be preapproved and not just random. When my kids start thinking about the computer too much, we just ban it. We always have a ban as soon as the weather is nice enough in the spring - it is often a ban of weeks. Computers are all in main rooms and easily available for me to see what is going on - though I tend to ignore it.

 

AoPS and chess are usually not limited.

[KellyMama]

We have a 2 hr per day screen time limit - that includes TV, gaming, iPod social media etc. I let edutainment like Brainpop count for 'half minutes' but that's still timed. During the week, it's rare they use up 2 hrs.

[Spetzi]

I think "hours" is just too much. I've seen this happen to so many boys. They get hours and want more and more. I know of a couple who have gotten up in the middle of the night to play!

 

I've just found limiting it in general helps the tween/teen to find other things to do. Maybe you could ban Minecraft for a while even if you allow some gaming, just to break the habit. There are so many better ways to spend one's time than making a virtual kingdom. He might need assistance in finding some other interests so he may want to have friends over or make some visits to the library or trips to the park.

 

An hour would be the most time I would allow them on a computer or vidiot (lol) game at a time. Usually, the time limit is 45 minutes and never every day. After seeing some young friends suffer I don't regret being more strict than other parents.

 

Good luck!

[Luckymama]

No bans, no limits. Dd self-limits herself even with Minecraft. Thank goodness!

 

She has to get all of her school work done before screen time. She is allowed to text with a homeschooling/ballet friend during their lunch breaks :)

[Barbara H]

My belief is that for some kids it is just much, much more addictive than it is for others. So, you know your kid and what you are seeing - listen to your gut.

 

One idea might be to see if you can find any in real life type game activities in your community such as board game group, chess club, Magic the Gathering, etc. That offers the possibility of getting some of the good of games - such as strategic thinking, entertainment, challenge, and decision making without the addiction and isolation potential of video games. An in real life group also provides good social experience and sense of community which is really important especially as kids get older.

[fluffybunny]

Thank you so much; I really appreciate your input. It's given me courage to be stricter with it. We only have a few more years with our son and we want to fill that time with quality input, rather than 'vidiot' games!

[Pen]

We limit time to 1 hour or less - including weekends. Internet use must be preapproved and not just random. When my kids start thinking about the computer too much, we just ban it. We always have a ban as soon as the weather is nice enough in the spring - it is often a ban of weeks. Computers are all in main rooms and easily available for me to see what is going on - though I tend to ignore it.

 

AoPS and chess are usually not limited.

 

 

Generally 1 hour in one day = maximum since age 10 (before that it was a rare and unusual thing). That includes even things like typing practice and chess, though sometimes I will allow an hour of serious computer math or research toward a writing project and an hour of fun stuff. Fun stuff would include typing and chess and Coolmath--no Minecraft is allowed at all. We do not have high speed access from home, so aside from what I have bought or what is installed on computer, not a lot can be done most days, and that is probably just as well. Our library has a one hour limit, so unless I let him use my card too for an extension over that, that is all on library days.

 

One hour of movie watching per evening about 4 or 5 times per week, has also become a common routine since 3rd grade (before that it was once per week or none at all). This includes anything from Shakespeare to Star Wars. From time to time I decide that something is enough in the "school" category, and not fun enough to be otherwise desirable that it can be watched without counting toward that hour (Great Courses lectures, for example). My mom was surprised that an hour of Shakespeare movie was a reward for a good job on schoolwork and chores for the day--but if done well, it is fun and it works for us. Even that can be addictive, however, for many, and needs to be watched. I think just the screen exposure is not extremely healthy even if the content is superb, and so try to limit it.

 

Screentime, especially the movie time, has been creeping up over the years partly just because I find that I myself am wanting it more, and I have to watch that too.

[Mom in High Heels]

We have no computer or video games during the week, except for the 30-45 minutes of Wii Fit he does in the mornings before school every day (PE!). He's allowed Wii and computer/iPad games on the weekend, but limited to when I tell him to get off, because he would play Minecraft and Mario Cart all day if I let him. Sometimes I play Mario Cart with him when Han Solo is sleeping. I'm awesome like that though. :D

[trudence1]

My boys are able to get 30 minutes of screen time a day. This includes all non-school movies and, since we chose not to have a TV in th house, that is usually all they get. In order to get that time all school work has to be done with a good attitude and their chores must be finished...I almost never have grumbling about chores =).

 

There have been times DH and I have limited it more because DS11 seems to get addicted to certain types of games VERY quickly.

[Wendy Inman]

My son is almost 11... we limit to one hour a day. He may choose TV, computer, DS... On the weekends it is still one hour. Now as a family if we decide to watch a movie together that is fine.

 

Oh and i don't count things for school. Like today we watched a Crash Course video on the Excretory System and watched a TabletClass video on one-step equations. I don't count Khan academy either.

 

If we have issues with obsessive behavior or "sneaking" on the computer, then all screen time gets cut for a while. That worked very well for us after an incident of sneaking back in January. The "free for all" he had for the week after christmas with his new DS just got him addicted. But he very quickly found all sorts of things to do, build, discover and it hasn't been an issue since. I will for sure rethink things for next christmas break LOL.

 

Bottom line is that it really is subjective to your type of kid. I know some parents who don't have to limit, their kids just naturally do. I can't do that. So you have to do what works for your kid.

[IrishMum]

We allow 4 hours a week on electronic games and an occisional 1 hour of wiki about their games, which they earn with chores. Wiki about school stuff, and general interest is not limited. Any misbehaviour or bad attitude get a games ban. My boys would easily spend hours on video games, if I let them. I wish we had never introduced them.

[arborite]

My son also was fixated on that single hour of screen time, and frustrated when he would have to log off when he had just dipped his toe into the complex worlds he was entering in Minecraft (and, recently Rome: Total War, where he is excited to recognize historical figures such as Scipio Africanus). So we drafted up an agreement in which his hour a day was crammed into three longer sessions on Friday, Sunday and Monday. Massive reduction in slamming of keyboard ensued.

 

He still has his iPod, on which he watches LOLcats or something like that. But the iPod is definitely less engrossing/addicting than the PC games. He can actually engage in a conversation when he is using his iPod!

[Susie in CA]

My son also was fixated on that single hour of screen time, and frustrated when he would have to log off when he had just dipped his toe into the complex worlds he was entering in Minecraft (and, recently Rome: Total War, where he is excited to recognize historical figures such as Scipio Africanus). So we drafted up an agreement in which his hour a day was crammed into three longer sessions on Friday, Sunday and Monday. Massive reduction in slamming of keyboard ensued.

 

He still has his iPod, on which he watches LOLcats or something like that. But the iPod is definitely less engrossing/addicting than the PC games. He can actually engage in a conversation when he is using his iPod!

 

 

Yes, this seems to work best for us as well. The boys have no screen time Monday - Thursday (outside of school or family related things). They can use 2-3 hours each day Friday afternoon/evening, Saturday and Sunday. This works okay for us; mostly because during the week nobody is waiting for the hour of computer time. The times on the weekend are long enough for them to realize themselves that they really do need to get off. :-)

 

Susie

 

PS: We do still have issues from time to time. It is something we talk about continuously.

[workingmom]

Wow! I guess I am the strictest one out there. We have 2- 15 min sessions a week or they can combine to 30 min if they play something together (which they usually opt for). That being set I let them go over for 10-15 mins if they really must finish the level. So in actuality its like 30-45 mins twice a week. Boys are 11(6/7th) and 8(3rd). Of course long travels trips a few a year, they get an hour at a time. No TV during school week and weekends they can watch sports games with dad.

 

 

I know people who have personally become addicted with video gaming. One guy a professional actually let it ruin his residency and marriage.

[Pen]

...

 

I know people who have personally become addicted with video gaming. One guy a professional actually let it ruin his residency and marriage.

 

Yes. And even non electronic screen games can be addictive--I have known Dungeons and Dragons addicts who had serious trouble from that.

 

Then I think the electric and screen aspect has a physical addiction quality in addition to the gaming aspect. ....

[Mandy in TN]

So, if they have no screen time, no siblings, and no neighborhood friends (not that it would matter dh wouldn't want him in other people's homes without me), what do they do and why is whatever they are doing for fun and relaxation any better than screen time? I mean my son practices 2 instruments and does a lot of schoolwork, but there is still plenty of time left in the day. (Right now he is in orchestra practice.) Also, he frequents some of the same games as his brother who is away at college, so it is nice if they can play together. Sure, I could tell him no screen time, but then what would he do? He isn't going to play with a ball by himself. He doesn't read for pleasure, or cross stitch, or build models, or draw.

 

Suggestions? Although I have no intentions of totally taking away the screen, I really would like for him to have some other interests, but none come to mind.

Mandy

[Susie in CA]

So, if they have no screen time, no siblings, and no neighborhood friends (not that it would matter dh wouldn't want him in other people's homes without me), what do they do and why is whatever they are doing for fun and relaxation any better than screen time? I mean my son practices 2 instruments and does a lot of schoolwork, but there is still plenty of time left in the day. (Right now he is in orchestra practice.) Also, he frequents some of the same games as his brother who is away at college, so it is nice if they can play together. Sure, I could tell him no screen time, but then what would he do? He isn't going to play with a ball by himself. He doesn't read for pleasure, or cross stitch, or build models, or draw.

 

Suggestions? Although I have no intentions of totally taking away the screen, I really would like for him to have some other interests, but none come to mind.

Mandy

 

 

Imho, if the screen time doesn't interfere with school work and other responsibilities you may not have an issue with this. If that's the case you are fine.

 

In our case, screen time does interfere with the boys' ability to concentrate on school, chores and even outings etc. This is why we limit it. I just take it away as an option. And usually they do come up with other things to do. Of course, there are still times when they get bored but that is okay. When they know that they are not going to be able to use the computer or whatever they suddenly find baking cookies fun. :-)

 

I do help them with suggestions but ultimately it is them that find something to do. Not me.

 

I don't know if I was helpful at all....

[jenn&charles]

Wow! I guess I am the strictest one out there. We have 2- 15 min sessions a week or they can combine to 30 min if they play something together (which they usually opt for). That being set I let them go over for 10-15 mins if they really must finish the level. So in actuality its like 30-45 mins twice a week. Boys are 11(6/7th) and 8(3rd). Of course long travels trips a few a year, they get an hour at a time. No TV during school week and weekends they can watch sports games with dad.

 

 

I know people who have personally become addicted with video gaming. One guy a professional actually let it ruin his residency and marriage.

 

No, you aren't the strictest one! I have a policy that is very similar to yours. Otter gets about 15-45 minutes computer time a week with NO social media or online gaming. We had multiple issues with the computer and videogames in our house years ago with a different sibling (and some minor issues with Otter when he was younger). We have zero issues with Otter now due to what I learned from previous experiences. Instead of rotting on the computer or in front of games, he spends time reading, practicing piano, playing outside with the dog, etc. It's a lot healthier and his attitude (and ability to entertain himself) is much better because of it.

 

I've also extended this to an entire ban on handheld devices except for a Kindle that is locked (no Internet access) and only used for reading. No MP3 players, no phone, etc.

 

As for T.V., as a family we watch one 20-45 min program together each evening and nothing more unless I have Otter watch a history or science movie for school (rare) or if we watch a movie on a Saturday or Sunday night. Watching TV in our household is always a short, "together" act and there is no solitary sitting around watching things.

 

Anyway, all of the above is based on previous experience and everyone is much happier with things the way they currently are.

[jenn&charles]

So, if they have no screen time, no siblings, and no neighborhood friends (not that it would matter dh wouldn't want him in other people's homes without me), what do they do and why is whatever they are doing for fun and relaxation any better than screen time?

 

I've read a lot of research about screen time and possible negative effects. That isn't to say I think it's evil. However, I do take it into account as part of the reason for limiting screen time (although I have plenty of other reasons).

 

Just a couple:

• release of dopamine - too much screen time can cause your brain to become desensitized to the effects of normal dopamine

• suppression of melatonin - which helps regulate sleep, the immune system & the onset of puberty

 

You can google for more info on why other activities for fun/relaxation are "better" as a whole than screen time. I've seen the results first hand in my family. First we cut out cable TV (12 years ago) and then we restricted screen time for computer / videogames (around 2-3 years ago). I wish I had restricted computer use / videogames years before I actually did. It was very detrimental to my family, especially one of my children. Because I limit screen time with Otter, he's very adept at figuring out what to do to entertain himself. When he's not, I help with a few suggestions of my own and sometimes join him in activities (let's draw together, etc.).

 

 

I mean my son practices 2 instruments and does a lot of schoolwork, but there is still plenty of time left in the day. (Right now he is in orchestra practice.) Also, he frequents some of the same games as his brother who is away at college, so it is nice if they can play together. Sure, I could tell him no screen time, but then what would he do? He isn't going to play with a ball by himself. He doesn't read for pleasure, or cross stitch, or build models, or draw.

 

Suggestions? Although I have no intentions of totally taking away the screen, I really would like for him to have some other interests, but none come to mind.

 

Here are some ideas (not sure how old your son is, so some of this may not apply):

• play with a pet (our dog is a huge source of entertainment for Otter)

• build with Legos

• learn how to read for pleasure (I had to figure out that Otter doesn't really care for fiction. He's a non-fiction kind of person. Once I figured that out, we started getting him tons of books about things he's interested in.)

• start a collection (Otter collects American coins and toy cars.)

• build things (nothing like some sort of wood craft project, etc. to keep busy with)

• stereo microscope - lots of nifty things to look at

• use a telescope in the evenings (Otter will sometimes spend an hour each evening doing this and learning how to navigate the nighttime sky.)

• ride a bike or other similar activity (rollerblade, unicycle, etc.)

• photography - This is a great time eater.

• learn how to play solitaire and other similar games

• listen to a shortwave radio (It's fun to try and pick up stations from other countries. If you write them about their broadcast, they will send you a radio card or whatever it's called.)

• volunteer somewhere locally

• cooking (Otter often cooks dinner for us. He loves cooking and baking.)

• Puzzles or puzzle type games

• introduce him to paper models - even if he isn't into these, he might become so after a few successes. There are TONS free online you can just print out.

• science kits - I usually stock up what I refer to our "school closet" with tons of little science kits Otter can pull out and do whenever.

• learn something like morse code

• build dioramas

 

Another source of activities - build on whatever your son is interested in. Otter was interested in the weather for awhile so we got him a weather station and he tracked the barometer pressure, etc. to predict the weather and notice patterns. It wasn't a huge time killer, but stuff like that adds up.

 

Right now he is very much into being in Police Explorers. Because he wants to be a cop, he checks out lots of criminal justice and forensics books from the library, practices handcuff techniques with a real pair of handcuffs, studies the penal code (we bought him a book listing all the codes), listens to the police scanner, memorizes penal and vehicle codes, studies things like drug/alcohol use & effects and whatever else along those lines. Everything combined really keeps him quite busy with almost zero screen time.

[Koerarmoca]

This is a touchy subject in our house. My dh and nephews (who live with us) are very addicted to the Xbox. I hate the thing and I try to set limits. Especially on my youngest nephew who has many issues.

 

I would consider taking away ANYTHING if it seems like a true addiction!

 

As far as computer gaming goes its not a big issue here but social media is. My daughters are only aloud on with permission, loose supervision* and never if it is interfering with our school day. Dd11 was banned from social sites for a month because of a girl drama issue.

 

* loose supervision to me means that I hold the passwords and the rights to read messages, check walls, and unfriend people who are posting inappropriate things. I don't hover and watch each keystroke but routinely I skim messages and walls to keep things in check.

 

We have not had many issues and my girls have been amazing when things did pop up they always come to me if something feels wrong. (Proud mama moment/brag lol)

[Mandy in TN]

My ds is 10yo. He is 4'2" and just hit 50lbs fully clothed.

 

We do have a little dog that he plays with some.

 

He never understood the fascination that other boys had with legos. I got rid of them all last month. He in general isn't interested in building anything- paper, wood, puzzles, dioramas, or otherwise.

 

Today he finished The Cat Who Went to Heaven for school. He read half on Friday and the other half today. Because he wanted to, he started Matilda and is about half finished. (but this doesn't happen often) He has a toy car collection, but I can't tell you the last time he looked at it.

 

We do not own a telescope or short wave radio. We do own a microscope, but looking at slides lasts 15 min tops. Forcing him to learn morse code would just be a school project. He would do it if I added it to the list, but he would never choose to do so and, since he will never use it, he will promptly forget it. Same thing with science kits- he will do them if I put them on the school list but would never choose to do them.

 

He is too small to cook other than to stand on a step ladder and help me and definitely too small to volunteer for anything unless I do it too. He isn't allowed to ride his bike unless I stand outside and watch for cars and honestly he isn't interested for very long in riding back and forth on a little strip of asphalt by himself. This is another 15 min gig.

 

He does play solitaire and spider solitaire... on the computer.

[Susie in CA]

My ds is 10yo. He is 4'2" and just hit 50lbs fully clothed.

 

We do have a little dog that he plays with some.

 

He never understood the fascination that other boys had with legos. I got rid of them all last month. He in general isn't interested in building anything- paper, wood, puzzles, dioramas, or otherwise.

 

Today he finished The Cat Who Went to Heaven for school. He read half on Friday and the other half today. Because he wanted to, he started Matilda and is about half finished. (but this doesn't happen often) He has a toy car collection, but I can't tell you the last time he looked at it.

 

We do not own a telescope or short wave radio. We do own a microscope, but looking at slides lasts 15 min tops. Forcing him to learn morse code would just be a school project. He would do it if I added it to the list, but he would never choose to do so and, since he will never use it, he will promptly forget it. Same thing with science kits- he will do them if I put them on the school list but would never choose to do them.

 

He is too small to cook other than to stand on a step ladder and help me and definitely too small to volunteer for anything unless I do it too. He isn't allowed to ride his bike unless I stand outside and watch for cars and honestly he isn't interested for very long in riding back and forth on a little strip of asphalt by himself. This is another 15 min gig.

 

He does play solitaire and spider solitaire... on the computer.

 

 

Mandy,

 

You listed a lot of things your son doesn't like to do. It got me to thinking that the reality in my house is that neither of my boys would do much off the computer if we allowed them to be on it all the time. This not because they are not interested in anything but because it is easier for them to just sit somewhere and browse around. I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

 

You may need to just limit his screen time and see what happens. Yes, it would drive you nuts. I can tell you from experience. Eventually he will find other things that interest him.

 

My boys are now 12 and 14. Here is what they do with their time:

 

Very involved card games like Yu-Gi-Oh and Magic. These double as collections. They are constantly looking for more people to play with. This is where I come in. I allow them to invite people over and I take them to game shop to play in tournaments. This usually last 4 or 5 hours.

 

Warhammer. This is also a very involved strategy game. It requires building models and painting them. That takes time. They study the game codex for their army. And they play at the game store mentioned above. This game also inspires them to use Legos and Playmobil as field props for the game. Sometimes they build card board field props. Again, this game does take up quite a bit of time.

 

Ds 14 cooks at least once a week.

 

Ds 12 bakes cookies at least once a week.

 

We play family board games at least once a week.

 

We joined a teen/tween group to meet friends to do fun stuff: bowling, beach, boomers, etc. Their main motivation is to get out and see people. If I make this happen they need way less screen time.

 

Sometimes they build stuff with Legos, or clay or whatever; not as much as they used to, but that's okay. They are growing up. I don't build Lego stuff either. :-)

 

None of the things they do now came from me. It did take some time for them to find things to do. I did have to work hard at taking them places, arranging meetings with friends, and allowing them to be messy.

 

I hope this helps.