Peplophoros Posted December 7, 2012 Author Share Posted December 7, 2012 The paragraphs contradict each other. And I'm sure I would not have felt comfortable with him; and I would have honored my children's reaction to him, also, if they were icked out. Where is the contradiction, exactly? Oh nevermind... Anyway, thanks for your opinions. Glad to know that my instincts are not unique. When all is said and done, I'm fairly sure my kids will have slept over at someone's house and at camp before they've hit 21, but right now I'm sticking to a no-sleepover policy. That's all from me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 I do allow sleepovers with people I know and trust. I have only met one family who does not allow sleepovers and it was a little bit of a shock to me since the mom had taken my dd overnight 2 times. I wish I had known her policy before I'd allowed that. It made me feel like her family was good enough to take care of my child, but mine wasn't. And believe me, we are very conservative here and the mom knows my husband well and likes him very much. I've also taken her dd on day trips and had her over to play. I don't think this was an issue of pedophilia fear, but just a blanket policy her family has for other reasons. Honestly, I take no issue with that, but I do wish I had known about this before I had sent my dd off with her. I would have preferred she hadn't extended invitations to my dd, because it's a little hard not to feel offended with it only being allowed one way. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 I do allow sleepovers with people I know and trust. I have only met one family who does not allow sleepovers and it was a little bit of a shock to me since the mom had taken my dd overnight 2 times. I wish I had known her policy before I'd allowed that. It made me feel like her family was good enough to take care of my child, but mine wasn't. And believe me, we are very conservative here and the mom knows my husband well and likes him very much. I've also taken her dd on day trips and had her over to play. I don't think this was an issue of pedophilia fear, but just a blanket policy her family has for other reasons. Honestly, I take no issue with that, but I do wish I had known about this before I had sent my dd off with her. I would have preferred she hadn't extended invitations to my dd, because it's a little hard not to feel offended with it only being allowed one way. Lisa Have you ever considered the possibility that it's nothing more than that your dd's friend is uncomfortable sleeping away from home, but she's a bit embarrassed about it, so her mom is covering for her by saying that she's not allowed to sleep over at anyone else's house? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Have you ever considered the possibility that it's nothing more than that your dd's friend is uncomfortable sleeping away from home, but she's a bit embarrassed about it, so her mom is covering for her by saying that she's not allowed to sleep over at anyone else's house? That's not it. My dd gave her the invitation for her slumber birthday party at the end of a playdate and the mom told her no and she was in tears. I never would have invited her if I had known because I wouldn't have wanted to upset her. The mom told me at that time that they don't allow sleepovers and the kids get very angry and upset with her about it at this age. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 That's not it. My dd gave her the invitation for her slumber birthday party at the end of a playdate and the mom told her no and she was in tears. I never would have invited her if I had known because I wouldn't have wanted to upset her. The mom told me at that time that they don't allow sleepovers and the kids get very angry and upset with her about it at this age. Lisa Wow. That must have been very awkward for you! At least you know it's a blanket policy, and not that your family is somehow being singled out. I don't think you should feel offended in any way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mohop Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 I'm not comfotable with the idea of my very young kids spendng the night away from me with anyone but very close famly (grandparents and maybe my sister). I just feel like it's a long time to send my chiild away to an environment I'm not 100% familiar and comfortable with. And part of me just feels like night time is a time for families to be together. For me, it doesn't really have much to do with concerns of sexual abuse. After my oldest stopped nursing at 2 years old, I allowed her to spend the night about once/month at my in-laws, but to be honest, I'm not terribly comfortable with that either and would prefer to limit it more. DH feels strongly in favor of it since he says staying overnight wth his grandparents was an important part of his childhood (and he liikes the break from the kids). When my kids get older (maybe over 10?) I wlll think about letting them stay over with families that I know very well, but I plan on always being very selective about it. I wasn't allowed to go to sleepovers until I was in highschool and even then, only at my best friend/next door neighbor's, whom my family had known very well for a long time. In retrospect, I am glad I was not allowed to spend the night over at my other friends' houses when I was in high school, as it was during sleepovers that some of my friends experimented with different things, like drinking, boys, etc. I am glad I was kept away from that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Wow. That must have been very awkward for you! At least you know it's a blanket policy, and not that your family is somehow being singled out. I don't think you should feel offended in any way. Thank you. It was awkward. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 My older dc went to sleepover very seldom and only when I knew the family very, very, very, well. Actually, there were only two families they were permitted to stay with and that was in their teens. My littles have yet to spend the night anywhere. My 6yo dd wants to have a "sleepover" at Nana's, but I don't consider that risky. She is divorced and my adult SIL still lives at home. Yes, I am very cautious, I won't let them go anywhere and only two family members are permitted to babysit them. Otherwise, they are with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Your oldest is only 7. I had very rigid rules then too. So, there might be exceptions in the future, but as a rule, sleepovers for very young children and with people you don't know well are not a good idea, in my view. I don't know that you can categorically declare "never" though. On the bold, I am resisting the urge to say "Well, duh." ;) So I will say, I agree with TM. (I can call her by her nickname; we are that close.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 There's some overconfidence for you. Even people with gut feelings can be wrong, in either direction. It's not about "gut feelings". And while I am not bold enough to say you can always spot a predator, your gut speaks because predators give information. Predators tell "you" about themselves and their intent, but you have to be trained about it AND also have the indoctrination of "be nice" removed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Where is the contradiction, exactly? Oh nevermind... Anyway, thanks for your opinions. Glad to know that my instincts are not unique. When all is said and done, I'm fairly sure my kids will have slept over at someone's house and at camp before they've hit 21, but right now I'm sticking to a no-sleepover policy. That's all from me! I realize that you don't really want an answer to your quasi-question; you just wanted to make a point and then bail on the thread. I'll answer anyway. momPhD, on 06 December 2012 - 08:50 PM, said: But this is exactly my point. No one can spot every molester. There *are* no doubts. As one Hive member put it: "My grandfather was a pedophile with many victims, yet I can almost guarantee that any of you would have felt very comfortable having him pay attention to your child. He worked at the local school, tuned skates at the roller rink, and appeared to be a very involved parent and all-round nice guy. He wasn't a nice guy, but it was impossible, IMPOSSIBLE, to see that unless you were his victim. To be sadly honest, some of the victims didn't even really figure it out for many years. They covered for him and made excuses for his behavior repeatedly, and ALL of the parents were in the dark." Paragraph 1 asserts that g'pa appeared to everyone as kind, loving, and safe and no one would have suspected anything. Paragraph 2 asserts that they covered and made excuses - that implies knowledge and awareness. You can't be both unaware and unassuming and cover up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Where is the contradiction, exactly? Oh nevermind... Anyway, thanks for your opinions. Glad to know that my instincts are not unique. When all is said and done, I'm fairly sure my kids will have slept over at someone's house and at camp before they've hit 21, but right now I'm sticking to a no-sleepover policy. That's all from me! I just noticed your oldest is 7. When my oldest was 7, sleepovers weren't really on my radar yet either. He had his first at 8 when 2 kids right around his age moved across the street and we got to know that family really well (they even go to our church). That felt like the right time. Had he not met these kids and had a trusted family, it may have been 9 or 10 until he had a sleepover. I think these circumstances tend to present themselves appropriately. Had some family I had known asked my 7 and under to sleep over, it would have been an absolutely not. That does seem like a no brainer to me. Now with my oldest at a pragmatic and reasonably mature 12 year old, I would allow somewhat more leeway with sleepovers. But to this point, it's just been with very beloved and well known friends (and relatives). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 On the bold, I am resisting the urge to say "Well, duh." ;) So I will say, I agree with TM. (I can call her by her nickname; we are that close.) Laughing. I was interrupted and that definitely was a "duh" response. Believe it or not, people do it. If some kid in the class is having a party, some parents will just drop off with people they don't know. Not overnight, I hope. But I've been left with a few extra kids six and under at a party. Can I call you, "Jo"? :thumbup1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peplophoros Posted December 7, 2012 Author Share Posted December 7, 2012 I realize that you don't really want an answer to your quasi-question; you just wanted to make a point and then bail on the thread. I'll answer anyway. Paragraph 1 asserts that g'pa appeared to everyone as kind, loving, and safe and no one would have suspected anything. Paragraph 2 asserts that they covered and made excuses - that implies knowledge and awareness. You can't be both unaware and unassuming and cover up. Except paragraph 1 is talking about everyone else and paragraph 2 is talking about the victims. How's that for a "duh" moment? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Except paragraph 1 is talking about everyone else and paragraph 2 is talking about the victims. How's that for a "duh" moment? Good grief. Why do you even care what other parents think of your decision on, of all things, sleepovers?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 We're considered odd by most. We don't allow sleepovers across the board unless it's with family. But then again we homeschool too among other things, lol, and that's also considered odd by most people I know. I did loads of sleepovers as a kid and what I most remember is a lot fun - learning about things I shouldn't have been learning about ; ) I'm certainly glad no one had access to the internet back then! I guess our friends weren't from the most outstanding families, we were always into something we shouldn't have been. I just tell the kids it'll have to be one more thing they'll need therapy for when they grow up. I wouldn't be a good parent if they didn't have a few issues to work through. This ! We are not comfortable with them....I am really uncomfortable with them. The one sleepover at a friend's house was a situation that was an emergency with one child and my friend very graciously took our other child for the night. I would happily do this for any of our close friends, but I don't like the idea of purely recreational sleepovers. My issue with them is not so much fear of molestation as concerns about what they might be exposed to. We cannot know what goes on in someone else's private home, or what influence another child may present away from parental supervision. I went to a lot of sleepovers growing up. I was exposed to a lot of very unsettling things in other families' houses ! And these were families my own parents "knew well". Now when I think about what kinds of things I was exposed to, and how young and clueless I was, and the things I knew about our family's friends that my parents didn't know, I cringe. There was also almost no supervision at all at many households, especially once I reached the middle school years and I guess the parents assumed we were big enough kids to not need supervision...so very wrong ! The opportunities to get into all kinds of trouble were huge ! As a parent, it is a road I am not interested in starting down. I am happy to bend over backwards and spend time and money on opportunities for our kids to do fun things with other kids well into the evening hours, but I think it's best if the evening ends with ours home with us. I realize this may affect the closeness of some of their friendships, but thinking back on my own experience, that's not totally a bad thing. Most if not all of the things I was exposed to or involved in growing up that I cringe to think of now happened on overnight occasions. There is a lot of protection that comes with keeping our kids home with us at night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 This ! We are not comfortable with them....I am really uncomfortable with them. The one sleepover at a friend's house was a situation that was an emergency with one child and my friend very graciously took our other child for the night. I would happily do this for any of our close friends, but I don't like the idea of purely recreational sleepovers. My issue with them is not so much fear of molestation as concerns about what they might be exposed to. We cannot know what goes on in someone else's private home, or what influence another child may present away from parental supervision. I went to a lot of sleepovers growing up. I was exposed to a lot of very unsettling things in other families' houses ! And these were families my own parents "knew well". Now when I think about what kinds of things I was exposed to, and how young and clueless I was, and the things I knew about our family's friends that my parents didn't know, I cringe. There was also almost no supervision at all at many households, especially once I reached the middle school years and I guess the parents assumed we were big enough kids to not need supervision...so very wrong ! The opportunities to get into all kinds of trouble were huge ! As a parent, it is a road I am not interested in starting down. I am happy to bend over backwards and spend time and money on opportunities for our kids to do fun things with other kids well into the evening hours, but I think it's best if the evening ends with ours home with us. I realize this may affect the closeness of some of their friendships, but thinking back on my own experience, that's not totally a bad thing. Most if not all of the things I was exposed to or involved in growing up that I cringe to think of now happened on overnight occasions. There is a lot of protection that comes with keeping our kids home with us at night. I never had any of that at the multiple sleepovers I enjoyed as a preteen and teen. I don't consider "seances" or ouiji boards a problem - so that kind of explorational "play" doesn't bother me. That was the "worst" we did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 I never had any of that at the multiple sleepovers I enjoyed as a preteen and teen. I don't consider "seances" or ouiji boards a problem - so that kind of explorational "play" doesn't bother me. That was the "worst" we did. Same here. Oh, there was some talk about boys and sex and dating. A few times we stayed up late and experimented with someone's mom's makeup or curling iron. I suspect some people's comfort level has to do with what some people are willing to discuss/are comfortable with in regards to things like sex and the opposite sex in general. At least, that's what I was getting from the "no way because there's misinformation about sex out there" reasons. And I'm not saying that's wrong - everyone is entitled to raise their kids according to their beliefs so long as no one is getting hurt. The molestation reasoning, though, is baffling. Kids are only molested at night? As far as the stats go, kids are far more likely to be molested by a family member or trusted family friend. Eh. Again, I think some of it is a gut reaction to how comfortable some parents are with sex in general. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyLittleWonders Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 To answer a question up-thread regarding sleep-away camps and the such; as of now that is not an issue as our kids are not involved in anything that would have such activities. I'm not sure at this point if it ever would be an option (they don't do scouts nor organized sports at this time). That said, though, like I posted earlier about why we don't do sleep overs, the food issues are just too much to deal with to have them sleeping somewhere else except grandparents' houses. (We send food they can eat to the birthday parties they attend; I wouldn't expect their friends' parents to make special meals or have special foods in the house for them for sleeping over.) Of the two kids that would be eligible based on age here, ds11 would probably do better at a sleep over, but honestly, they would not sleep well (they sleep best in their own beds - they don't even sleep nearly as well when they "sleep over" in each others' beds :lol: ). I had some sleepovers as a kid (one-on-one and also birthday party) that were fine and some that definitely weren't. Overall, though, I much preferred my friends here as I was quite anxious sleeping over at a friend's house. I can say I am eternally thankful to my friends' parents who allowed their daughters to stay over at my dad's house with me, especially considering that most the time his best (male) friend (completely utterly platonic) lived in the same house. I think as a parent I am much more concerned with issues like access to internet or inappropriate movies/video games and the potential for their being guns in the house that are not stored safely than molestation. We watched a few racy things when I was at sleep overs (I remember being 10 or 11 and at a soccer-team sleep over, thankfully with one of my best friends, and they (the kids; I think the parents hosting were rather ignorant of it all) showed some movie with soft p*rn; we were horrified and hung out in a different room), but mostly it was the horrific horror movies that were shown that gave me nightmares for the longest time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 Based on this and your OP, I'd highly encourage you to get educated on the real information regarding predators, and ways to protect your family. I'd begin with the book Protecting The Gift. And, just a hint, you CAN spot a predator before it's too late. As far as the questions in the OP, the assertions in it and premise are not a match for my life orientation. However, I am pro sleepever for my kids. We have hosted more than they've attended, but all 3 of mine have had sleepover fun for years now. :iagree:YES, this!!! I am early in the thread but I just want to say that the internet is NOT real life but is the exact place you want to be if you want to instill fear, or back up your own opinion, unless you are well seasoned in internet searches. Nobody can base their opinion on internet search alone, but a FB poll puts the reliability pretty close to as unreliable as possible Similarly, don't base your opinions on your social circles. You have mommy instincts. Trust them. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 I have not officially made a declaration regarding sleepovers because it has not come up yet, but I honestly do not want to allow them. I don't want anyone sleeping over. I don't want my kid at someone's house unless I know them well. My kids have slept over at Grandpa's and my sister's. Otherwise, no they haven't gotten into any of that. I guess I don't see the point. I went to a few growing up and never enjoyed them. Maybe that is why I feel that way and maybe that's not fair, but I just don't understand the point. I could have written this. I am so not into sleepovers - on either end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljenn Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 I didn't let my dd sleep over anywhere until she was about 10- 5th grade. At that point, I knew she was old enough to call me on her own and let me know something was wrong, and she was old enough to speak up for herself if she needed something while she was there. I would let her go to the party and then pick her up around 9 pm and bring her home. She only slept over at one friend's house (and vice-versa) until she was about 12, then two more over the last few years. And my sister's house, but that's it. She didn't really want to sleep away from home before that anyways, so it wasn't much of an issue for us, but there were a few times she got a flat-out "no". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 We have allowed sleepovers off and on over the years but most of the time I was uncomfortable with it. Then to find out later what sort of things went on, or the discomfort of the child/teen. Right now, 16 yr old son is camping out with two friends in one friend's field. I trust them all, parents, kids. When we've had to, in emergencies, we had three of them stay for several days at one family's home, folks we absolutely trusted. I don't like it when kids do sleepovers for several reasons. Up all night, too tired the next day. Who knows what they're watching on tv? The internet? I have no control over who else is invited and how many there may be at someone else's home. Someone mentioned the parents of friends, even though mom & dad knew them, were involved in things that just did not happen at your own home. Porn left out in the open, easily accessible marijuana (siblings), liquor. There have been other things that I experienced and I'm sure that all of those things would not happen with my kids and their friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 We don't and won't. I think nighttime and bedtime need to be for family. Lots of reasons. I think it outweighs the 'fun' aspect and the 'harmless' aspect of sleepovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 We allow it, but only with families we know well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 Yes, yes you are. and your children will grow up to be maladjusted freaks that hang out under the porch and eat stray cats. So that's where all my cats have been going............ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 So that's where all my cats have been going............ Yup, under the porch dwellers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 I enjoyed sleepovers as a kid, both as host and guest, and I have often hosted them as a parent. However, I do not view them as a vital experience of childhood. Before WTM, I never knew they were controversial; I had always considered them a minor aspect of childhood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.