I'm a Mama Failure :(

[RainbowSprinkles]

My older dd is only 10 (11 in Feb) and she's seriously acting like 15 already. She's the complete opposite of how I was as child, so that makes things harder.

 

She's the kind of kid who thinks things should be given to her simply because. She's never content with what she has. For example, she has a twin bed, she wants a queen bed. She has a beautifully painted desk, she wants an Ikea desk. She has brown flats, she needs black and pink ones too.

 

The other problem is that she is hardly ever kind to her brothers (8 and 3), especially the older brother. When he talks, she'll start talking or she'll correct a word he used.

 

And she is lazy. She only does minimal. When we tell her to vaccuum downstairs (which is a small area to begin with) she moves the vaccum around a few times and calls it done. When she supposed to do the dishes, she'll put the clean ones away, but not put the dirty ones in. She consistently fails to feed her pet rabbit on her own and we also remind her daily to feed the dog dinner (which she's been doing for the last 3 years, you would think she doesn't have to be reminded anymore so often).

 

So she started public school 2 weeks ago and she of course loves it, especially the social aspect of it. She's all about having friends. She was invited to a Halloween party that is today. But this morning went horrible and I told her she's not going to go at all. (I was going to let her go for a couple of hours, the party is 4 and a half hours).

 

I told her if she cannot be kind to her siblings, she doesn't need any friends.

 

I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm so sad. She's only 10, how much worse will it be when she's 15.

 

If anyone can relate or has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

[bkpan]

My older dd is only 10 (11 in Feb) and she's seriously acting like 15 already. She's the complete opposite of how I was as child, so that makes things harder.

 

She's the kind of kid who thinks things should be given to her simply because. She's never content with what she has. For example, she has a twin bed, she wants a queen bed. She has a beautifully painted desk, she wants an Ikea desk. She has brown flats, she needs black and pink ones too.

 

The other problem is that she is hardly ever kind to her brothers (8 and 3), especially the older brother. When he talks, she'll start talking or she'll correct a word he used.

 

And she is lazy. She only does minimal. When we tell her to vaccuum downstairs (which is a small area to begin with) she moves the vaccum around a few times and calls it done. When she supposed to do the dishes, she'll put the clean ones away, but not put the dirty ones in. She consistently fails to feed her pet rabbit on her own and we also remind her daily to feed the dog dinner (which she's been doing for the last 3 years, you would think she doesn't have to be reminded anymore so often).

 

So she started public school 2 weeks ago and she of course loves it, especially the social aspect of it. She's all about having friends. She was invited to a Halloween party that is today. But this morning went horrible and I told her she's not going to go at all. (I was going to let her go for a couple of hours, the party is 4 and a half hours).

 

I told her if she cannot be kind to her siblings, she doesn't need any friends.

 

I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm so sad. She's only 10, how much worse will it be when she's 15.

 

If anyone can relate or has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

 

Honestly, my first thought is that she really sounds like a normal 10yo (sorry!). Our kids are born with a variety of strengths and weaknesses that is different for each child. Our job as parents is to discover those strengths and really support and build them up in those areas, and to be patient and forgiving with the weaknesses, remember that our own are also a struggle.

 

The child that is so different from us is always the most difficult because we just cannot get WHY this child cannot be more like (fill in the blank). It is foreign to us and probably an area that comes naturally or easily for us. I have one son, especially, that I struggle with in this area. One day I realized that my negative attitude toward him - always focusing on the areas that he needed to improve - was really damaging our relationship, and his opinion of himself. IOW, I was making the problems even worse!

 

Each child needs to feel our approval and pride in the areas that they ARE strong in. The more that they can trust in our love and respect of them, usually the harder they will try to keep up those good qualities, and hopefully they will also trust more in our loving criticism in areas.

 

I know that it is hard and that it is a struggle. I eventually had to put my one son in school to preserve our relationship so I could do a better job at being his champion instead of the one tearing him down. The distance helped me to see him with fresh eyes - to remember that he DOES have some really beautiful qualities that I had stopped recognizing. He needed to hear from me that I was proud of him.

 

It IS hard. :grouphug:

[T29acash]

My 11 yo acts the same ways sometimes. You also need to set down with her and get to the root of the problem. I have has many converstations with my daughter about her attitude and just because the hormones are raging that does not give her rights to be mean. She also is required to play with her brother. I get to spend more time with her though since we do homeschool.

 

You might try to do something special with her to first get her heart and then work on attitude. I set on the couch and cuddle my daughter while we talk. She is relaxed. You could also tell your daughter that if she wants to change the stuff in her room she has to work for money and buy the stuff herself.

[PrincessMommy]

My older dd is only 10 (11 in Feb) and she's seriously acting like 15 already. She's the complete opposite of how I was as child, so that makes things harder.

 

She's the kind of kid who thinks things should be given to her simply because. She's never content with what she has. For example, she has a twin bed, she wants a queen bed. She has a beautifully painted desk, she wants an Ikea desk. She has brown flats, she needs black and pink ones too.

 

The other problem is that she is hardly ever kind to her brothers (8 and 3), especially the older brother. When he talks, she'll start talking or she'll correct a word he used.

 

And she is lazy. She only does minimal. When we tell her to vaccuum downstairs (which is a small area to begin with) she moves the vaccum around a few times and calls it done. When she supposed to do the dishes, she'll put the clean ones away, but not put the dirty ones in. She consistently fails to feed her pet rabbit on her own and we also remind her daily to feed the dog dinner (which she's been doing for the last 3 years, you would think she doesn't have to be reminded anymore so often).

 

So she started public school 2 weeks ago and she of course loves it, especially the social aspect of it. She's all about having friends. She was invited to a Halloween party that is today. But this morning went horrible and I told her she's not going to go at all. (I was going to let her go for a couple of hours, the party is 4 and a half hours).

 

I told her if she cannot be kind to her siblings, she doesn't need any friends.

 

I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm so sad. She's only 10, how much worse will it be when she's 15.

 

If anyone can relate or has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

 

At 10 I don't know that I'd expect my child to do their chores completely without my being on them and reminding them to complete the work. My problem is that my older kids badger their younger siblings when they get distracted or don't complete their work. I'm constantly reminding them, "You're not the Mother!".

 

That said, I think your response to her being unkind to her siblings is appropriate. Stick to your guns though and don't give in.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My dd10 and I butt heads over some of the same issues.

 

RE. entitlement - special things are worked for and earned. My son bought his own $400 computer at age 10 with money he had saved up. The furniture would be hard but saving for some special shoes would be one way for her to learn the value of a dollar.

 

RE. chores - have you showed her exactly how to do the chore? Are you doing chores at the same time (doesn't have to be the same chore). Have you tried making it a game?

 

Also - I often remind my kids in a more oblique way - "It is time for morning chores. What is it that you need to do?" It makes them think through the routine.

 

RE. siblings - You're going to have to remind her over and over to not interrupt her sibling if that is a problem. "Whose turn is it to talk?" is often heard around here.

 

I don't understand why it is so terrible for her to correct a word her brother used. It needs to be done nicely though. "Say that again nicely" is one way to do it.

[JumpyTheFrog]

You are not done parenting, so it's too early to call yourself a failure. You still have 8 years left with your daughter, which is plenty of time to teach her how to be thorough with her chores.

 

You have two issues going on. One is that she hasn't made the connection that work leads to income which leads to the ability to buy things. Have you considered posting a list of extra jobs and how much they pay? We pay our 6 year old to vacuum the car or do other jobs that go above and beyond everyday work like emptying the dishwasher, putting laundry away, or vacuuming.

 

I have to go now. I'll come back and post more later.

[BellaMama]

You know, regarding friendships and how she treats her siblings...

 

I used to think along the lines of "if she can't even treat her brother (one of the most important relationship in her life, at least to me) with respect, than forget about being friends with other people" !

 

Well... that has changed. While siblings are very important, peers are too. They are very important at that age. She will learn to interact equal to equal, not always in the role of the big sister. She is developing her identity through her own eyes but through those of her peers as well and that is OK. That she is thriving socially in her new environment is fantastic! Only 2 weeks in and she is already invited to a party. That, as a parent, is something to rejoice in.

 

Here is the part where I might land straight on your enemy list but, I think she should go to the party. This morning's behaviour can have a different consequence. Have a talk with her about her behaviour and your concerns tell her your expectations/ then consequences. I think preventing her from going to the party will only be making her resentful.

She sounds like a lot of work (I have a 10 yr old a well, 'nuff said!) and needs guidance in many areas, but I don't think the two are related.

She might have a better attitude inside the home if she has a positive experience as a individual outside the home.

The eldest child has the toughest job!

:grouphug:

[I.Dup.]

I think your consequence is perfectly appropriate. My 10yo has similar problems and one of the reasons I don't put her in PS (even though it would make my life a lot easier in many ways) is because I know it would become all about peers and having fun, and that would increase the problems in different ways. I think siblings are much more important than peers; peers come and go, especially in childhood/teenage years.

[sarahbobeara]

 

I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm so sad. She's only 10, how much worse will it be when she's 15.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

This is why you took the party away because you don't WANT her to be like this when she's 15. Punishment isn't fun, and you'll have to say this many times, now and in the future: you're not punishing her to be mean but b/c she disobeyed you by disrespecting her brothers.

 

There will have to be firm rules about respecting everyone in the family, no matter the age. All family members have something valuable to contribute to the family. (Yes, I had to have this talk with my daughter already!) God put our family together for a reason and it wasn't so she could treat them horribly.

 

I don't envy your position this weekend, I'm sure I'll be in your shoes again though.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

You described my 12yr old perfectly.....I'll be "listening" :)

[WishboneDawn]

She's the kind of kid who thinks things should be given to her simply because. She's never content with what she has. For example, she has a twin bed, she wants a queen bed. She has a beautifully painted desk, she wants an Ikea desk. She has brown flats, she needs black and pink ones too.

 

If she wants it, that's her problem. You supplied her with a bed, desk and shoes, you did your part. You're free now, when she brings these things up, to say,"That's nice dear. When you save/earn the money for that I'll take you in to purchase it."

 

Regardless, be calm and kind whenever you're talking about this.

 

Maybe put a bulletin board up in her room for her to post pictures of those things and any plans she might make to acquire them. Let her take ownership. Help her pin a few pictures up and comment on how nice the shoes are or something.

 

The other problem is that she is hardly ever kind to her brothers (8 and 3), especially the older brother. When he talks, she'll start talking or she'll correct a word he used.

 

I think you're going to have to be prepared to constantly step in with a calm, "Wait until he's finished talking please." If she won't stop correcting him say, "That's a good point," and then have her copy down what he said and then correct it on paper a few times. Make it into a lot of work. Right now she's probably doing half by habit.

 

Any big examples of being unkind I deal with by making the offender serve the offended for a day.

 

Another thing to look for is if you're talking to her in a similar manner or maybe in too negative a manner. When I get on my daughter's back too much then she offloads by dumping on her brother. Maybe she's getting/sensing a lot of your disappointment here and it's spilling over onto the sibs?

 

Remember, be calm and kind when dealing with this behaviour. You're her model. You, as the mom, set the tone and mood.

 

And she is lazy. She only does minimal. When we tell her to vaccuum downstairs (which is a small area to begin with) she moves the vaccum around a few times and calls it done. When she supposed to do the dishes, she'll put the clean ones away, but not put the dirty ones in. She consistently fails to feed her pet rabbit on her own and we also remind her daily to feed the dog dinner (which she's been doing for the last 3 years, you would think she doesn't have to be reminded anymore so often).

 

She's ten so I'd really lighten up the expectations around chores in terms of reminding. I have to remind my ten year old. I have to remind my 14 year old. :) If it's an extreme issue then you may want to shadow her for a week and make sure she gets those chores done. Or, if you notice after that they aren't done or aren't done correctly, pleasantly and calmly make her do them again. And again. My son had a habit of throwing his coat on the closet floor. The next time he did it I had him hang it up, remove it, toss it on the floor, hang it up...We were laughing as he did it but he does hang his coat up every time now. When a kid learn it's less work to simply do the job right the first time, they'll do it right the first time.

 

The pet rabbit is more serious though. I'd have a heart to heart to hear about caring for it. If she can't feed it then maybe it should have a new home. Animals don't deserve to be stuck in a situation like that.

 

Again, always be calm and kind.

So she started public school 2 weeks ago and she of course loves it, especially the social aspect of it. She's all about having friends. She was invited to a Halloween party that is today. But this morning went horrible and I told her she's not going to go at all. (I was going to let her go for a couple of hours, the party is 4 and a half hours).

 

I told her if she cannot be kind to her siblings, she doesn't need any friends.

 

I think the last was a bit mean. I've said mean things to my kids, I'm not trying to be judgmental, that happens. It could have been phrased something like, "Look, if this is how you're behaving today then I don't feel I can trust you to treat the people at the party well. If you want to go to parties like this, I think that's fantastic but you have to show me that you can treat people respectfully and that starts with your brothers and I."

 

And be calm and kind when you say it. :)

 

I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm so sad. She's only 10, how much worse will it be when she's 15.

 

She's 10. 10! Don't be sad abut what if's that are years in the future!!!

 

Don't dwell on that. There's a whole five years there for you to deal with her and for her to change and mature. Meanwhile if you've already decided that she's destined to be the troubled, rebellious teenager you'll be treating her in a way that might well make that an easier road for her.

 

You don't have a bad kid. You have a normal kid with some normal issues that need addressing.

 

One more thought, do you guys get time together? Get to go out for lunch or shopping or anything? If not, do it. Talk about whatever she wants to talk about, don't try to sneak any lectures or anything in. Just enjoy her company so you can reassure yourself that she really is a fantastic girl with lots of great qualities. :)

[RainbowSprinkles]

Honestly, my first thought is that she really sounds like a normal 10yo (sorry!). Our kids are born with a variety of strengths and weaknesses that is different for each child. Our job as parents is to discover those strengths and really support and build them up in those areas, and to be patient and forgiving with the weaknesses, remember that our own are also a struggle.

 

The child that is so different from us is always the most difficult because we just cannot get WHY this child cannot be more like (fill in the blank). It is foreign to us and probably an area that comes naturally or easily for us. I have one son, especially, that I struggle with in this area. One day I realized that my negative attitude toward him - always focusing on the areas that he needed to improve - was really damaging our relationship, and his opinion of himself. IOW, I was making the problems even worse!

 

Each child needs to feel our approval and pride in the areas that they ARE strong in. The more that they can trust in our love and respect of them, usually the harder they will try to keep up those good qualities, and hopefully they will also trust more in our loving criticism in areas.

 

I know that it is hard and that it is a struggle. I eventually had to put my one son in school to preserve our relationship so I could do a better job at being his champion instead of the one tearing him down. The distance helped me to see him with fresh eyes - to remember that he DOES have some really beautiful qualities that I had stopped recognizing. He needed to hear from me that I was proud of him.

 

It IS hard. :grouphug:

 

Thank you. I feel better knowing this is mostly normal 10 year old stuff.

 

At 10 I don't know that I'd expect my child to do their chores completely without my being on them and reminding them to complete the work. My problem is that my older kids badger their younger siblings when they get distracted or don't complete their work. I'm constantly reminding them, "You're not the Mother!".

 

I am right there in the same room while she does these things.

You are not done parenting, so it's too early to call yourself a failure. You still have 8 years left with your daughter, which is plenty of time to teach her how to be thorough with her chores.

 

Thank you.

 

You have two issues going on. One is that she hasn't made the connection that work leads to income which leads to the ability to buy things. Have you considered posting a list of extra jobs and how much they pay? We pay our 6 year old to vacuum the car or do other jobs that go above and beyond everyday work like emptying the dishwasher, putting laundry away, or vacuuming.

 

This could be a good idea. I would have to think about stuff she could do for money. But mostly, I'd like her to understand that she has jobs around the house simply because she's part of the family and we all need to help out.

[RainbowSprinkles]

If she wants it, that's her problem. You supplied her with a bed, desk and shoes, you did your part. You're free now, when she brings these things up, to say,"That's nice dear. When you save/earn the money for that I'll take you in to purchase it."

 

Regardless, be calm and kind whenever you're talking about this.

 

Maybe put a bulletin board up in her room for her to post pictures of those things and any plans she might make to acquire them. Let her take ownership. Help her pin a few pictures up and comment on how nice the shoes are or something.

 

Thank you. I think this is a great idea.

 

 

 

I think you're going to have to be prepared to constantly step in with a calm, "Wait until he's finished talking please." If she won't stop correcting him say, "That's a good point," and then have her copy down what he said and then correct it on paper a few times. Make it into a lot of work. Right now she's probably doing half by habit.

 

Any big examples of being unkind I deal with by making the offender serve the offended for a day.

 

Another thing to look for is if you're talking to her in a similar manner or maybe in too negative a manner. When I get on my daughter's back too much then she offloads by dumping on her brother. Maybe she's getting/sensing a lot of your disappointment here and it's spilling over onto the sibs?

 

Remember, be calm and kind when dealing with this behaviour. You're her model. You, as the mom, set the tone and mood.

 

Good points and ideas, thank you.

 

 

She's ten so I'd really lighten up the expectations around chores in terms of reminding. I have to remind my ten year old. I have to remind my 14 year old. :) If it's an extreme issue then you may want to shadow her for a week and make sure she gets those chores done. Or, if you notice after that they aren't done or aren't done correctly, pleasantly and calmly make her do them again. And again. My son had a habit of throwing his coat on the closet floor. The next time he did it I had him hang it up, remove it, toss it on the floor, hang it up...We were laughing as he did it but he does hang his coat up every time now. When a kid learn it's less work to simply do the job right the first time, they'll do it right the first time.

 

The pet rabbit is more serious though. I'd have a heart to heart to hear about caring for it. If she can't feed it then maybe it should have a new home. Animals don't deserve to be stuck in a situation like that.

 

Again, always be calm and kind.

 

 

I think the last was a bit mean. I've said mean things to my kids, I'm not trying to be judgmental, that happens. It could have been phrased something like, "Look, if this is how you're behaving today then I don't feel I can trust you to treat the people at the party well. If you want to go to parties like this, I think that's fantastic but you have to show me that you can treat people respectfully and that starts with your brothers and I."

 

And be calm and kind when you say it. :)

 

 

 

She's 10. 10! Don't be sad abut what if's that are years in the future!!!

 

Don't dwell on that. There's a whole five years there for you to deal with her and for her to change and mature. Meanwhile if you've already decided that she's destined to be the troubled, rebellious teenager you'll be treating her in a way that might well make that an easier road for her.

 

You don't have a bad kid. You have a normal kid with some normal issues that need addressing.

 

One more thought, do you guys get time together? Get to go out for lunch or shopping or anything? If not, do it. Talk about whatever she wants to talk about, don't try to sneak any lectures or anything in. Just enjoy her company so you can reassure yourself that she really is a fantastic girl with lots of great qualities. :)

 

Yes, we do. We do have to take her baby sister who still nurses.

 

Thank you. Your post was so helpful to me!

[Joanne]

RainbowSprinkles?

 

I've read this and your other thread.

 

(please read this post assuming that I want to help, but have to get there through some direct words)

 

I think your perspective and response to this particular child are working against you. I think she is different from you, and her particular "bent" or personality are a challenge for you. I think that you read *character* into her age expected behaviors. I think that because she values things you don't (particular material items, a certain status or relationship with friends), you get "stuck" mentally instead of responsive to the child in front of you.

 

You can not generalize chore behavior into what she is going to be like as an adult. Her adult habits will emerge from a different relationship and motivation; it won't be the same thing.

 

Her behavior with chores, minimal compliance, and her siblings are well within normal bounds. Annoying? Yes. :grouphug: But normal. You did not create it; you can't "fix" it.

 

Here's the thing. When you have a disconnect of *getting* a child, punishment (which I am not terribly fond of anyway) is not going to help. It is only going to reinforce the disconnect. It WON'T attach or effect the behavior you think it will.

 

And, while I am on it, I don't agree with "follow through" advice. Just because you said it (i.e. you can't go to the party), it does not mean you have to stick with it. Going to that party (which sounded reasonable, attractive and fun) was important to her. You said in your update it wouldn't have been a big deal if she had missed it. I think you, in your not "getting" your dd, are making the disconnect worse.

 

If you want to teach her contentment, satiety, or gratitude, begin a gratitude journal together. Without a hint of object lesson. As a mother/daughter project. Find service work you can do with her - without a lecture of any kind about "how lucky she is." When she asks for another pair of flats, and you are not buying them, say a firm "No. Do not ask again." But don't lecture on the desire for them. I want multiple flats. ;)

 

RainbowSprinkles, I would prescribe bonding and attachment with your dd. I'd encourage you to focus on affection, playfulness, and finding ways to like this child. I'd tell you to find ways to genuinely let her know you like her. I'd find ways to physically interact with her (fix her hair, rub her back, etc). I'd work towards building a positive dynamic and tone. What will happen with that is 1) she'll act better and 2) her habits will be less annoying to her.

[WishboneDawn]

RainbowSprinkles?

 

I've read this and your other thread.

 

(please read this post assuming that I want to help, but have to get there through some direct words)

 

I think your perspective and response to this particular child are working against you. I think she is different from you, and her particular "bent" or personality are a challenge for you. I think that you read *character* into her age expected behaviors. I think that because she values things you don't (particular material items, a certain status or relationship with friends), you get "stuck" mentally instead of responsive to the child in front of you.

 

You can not generalize chore behavior into what she is going to be like as an adult. Her adult habits will emerge from a different relationship and motivation; it won't be the same thing.

 

Her behavior with chores, minimal compliance, and her siblings are well within normal bounds. Annoying? Yes. :grouphug: But normal. You did not create it; you can't "fix" it.

 

Here's the thing. When you have a disconnect of *getting* a child, punishment (which I am not terribly fond of anyway) is not going to help. It is only going to reinforce the disconnect. It WON'T attach or effect the behavior you think it will.

 

And, while I am on it, I don't agree with "follow through" advice. Just because you said it (i.e. you can't go to the party), it does not mean you have to stick with it. Going to that party (which sounded reasonable, attractive and fun) was important to her. You said in your update it wouldn't have been a big deal if she had missed it. I think you, in your not "getting" your dd, are making the disconnect worse.

 

If you want to teach her contentment, satiety, or gratitude, begin a gratitude journal together. Without a hint of object lesson. As a mother/daughter project. Find service work you can do with her - without a lecture of any kind about "how lucky she is." When she asks for another pair of flats, and you are not buying them, say a firm "No. Do not ask again." But don't lecture on the desire for them. I want multiple flats. ;)

 

RainbowSprinkles, I would prescribe bonding and attachment with your dd. I'd encourage you to focus on affection, playfulness, and finding ways to like this child. I'd tell you to find ways to genuinely let her know you like her. I'd find ways to physically interact with her (fix her hair, rub her back, etc). I'd work towards building a positive dynamic and tone. What will happen with that is 1) she'll act better and 2) her habits will be less annoying to her.

 

:iagree: All excellent advice.

[Hoot]

She's the kind of kid who thinks things should be given to her simply because. She's never content with what she has. For example, she has a twin bed, she wants a queen bed. She has a beautifully painted desk, she wants an Ikea desk. She has brown flats, she needs black and pink ones too.

 

She gets what she gets and has a couple of options. If she wants something that she doesn't currently have, she can save to buy said item(s) on her own or add them to her Christmas/birthday wishlist. If that isn't good enough and whining, complaining, and arguing ensues then you simply take away what she DOES have. If a twin bed isn't good enough, then you sleep on the floor. If brown flats aren't good enough, you'll wear a different pair of shoes and only those shoes until you've decided to be grateful for the choices you have.

 

 

The other problem is that she is hardly ever kind to her brothers (8 and 3), especially the older brother. When he talks, she'll start talking or she'll correct a word he used.

 

I only have one child so no experience here. Others can probably help you with this a little better.

 

And she is lazy. She only does minimal. When we tell her to vaccuum downstairs (which is a small area to begin with) she moves the vaccum around a few times and calls it done. When she supposed to do the dishes, she'll put the clean ones away, but not put the dirty ones in. She consistently fails to feed her pet rabbit on her own and we also remind her daily to feed the dog dinner (which she's been doing for the last 3 years, you would think she doesn't have to be reminded anymore so often).

 

She needs to be glued to you for awhile when it comes to chores. Stand over her while she vacuums and make sure she understands exactly what you expect. She's a kid and she wants to be done so she can move on to her own things. This is normal behavior but not acceptable. When she earns the privilege of doing the chores correctly without a chaperone, then have her check in with you when the job is done. You then have to inspect the job immediately upon completion and determine whether it has been completed to your satisfaction (and her ability). Doing a job incorrectly on purpose just to get done quickly earns you the privilege of doing it over (and over and over) again until it's done correctly.

 

As for the rabbit, if it is HER rabbit and not a family pet then it needs to go to a new home. A child who is unable to care for an animal on their own should not own said animal. We have lots of animals but they are primarily my own with the exception of one cat that belongs to DS. I am VERY strict about my rules with the animals. If it is a family pet as I assume the dog is, then my policy is that you don't eat until the animal eats. My son is not allowed to have breakfast or dinner until his cat is fed. That is a non-negotiable rule in my house and has been for a long time. DS13 has had the job of taking care of one or more of our animals for several years now and my rule has always been that the animals come first, NOT because they are more important, but because they are totally dependent on us and it is not an option to just forget about them when they become inconvenient.

 

 

So she started public school 2 weeks ago and she of course loves it, especially the social aspect of it. She's all about having friends. She was invited to a Halloween party that is today. But this morning went horrible and I told her she's not going to go at all. (I was going to let her go for a couple of hours, the party is 4 and a half hours).

 

 

I agree with this. If you cannot show kindness and respect to your own family, then you do not get the privilege of spending time with others. In my house, hanging out with friends is a privilege, not a right.

 

All that said, you are not a failure. She is 10 and you are still the mom. Love her the way SHE needs to be loved, but don't let her walk all over you and the rest of the family. Don't let her dictate the climate of your home. Be firm with her, but make sure you are clearly showing your expectations. :grouphug:

[goldberry]

Joanne, you rock! Would you come live with me to advise when I need you???

 

I went through this "disconnect" with DD. Over the last few years, (and thanks to homeschooling and having her close to me), it has gotten better. She STILL throws me for loops sometimes. But now I recognize that she is SO DIFFERENT from me, but different doesn't equal bad. I was doing EXACTLY what Joanne said, implying character issues to differences. I also realized that what I was doing, no matter how logical it seemed, WASN'T working, and if I didn't change I was going to lose the relationship.

 

I recently had another thread posting for advice, and someone recommended the book, Strong Willed Child or Dreamer. That book is totally my daughter. Rainbow, I don't know if that's your daughter or not, but you might check it out.

[Hikin' Mama]

Rainbow sprinkles,

 

Please read and re-read what Joanne has written. And take it to heart. My oldest was like your daughter and was difficult as a child. I tried to focus on maintaining a relationship with him in spite of that. He is 20 now and we have a great relationship. He's not a perfect kid, but guess what? Neither is his mom. :001_smile:

 

Try not to take her behavior personally. I know it is hard, but that is one of the mistakes I made.

[twinmami01]

RainbowSprinkles?

 

I've read this and your other thread.

 

(please read this post assuming that I want to help, but have to get there through some direct words)

 

I think your perspective and response to this particular child are working against you. I think she is different from you, and her particular "bent" or personality are a challenge for you. I think that you read *character* into her age expected behaviors. I think that because she values things you don't (particular material items, a certain status or relationship with friends), you get "stuck" mentally instead of responsive to the child in front of you.

 

You can not generalize chore behavior into what she is going to be like as an adult. Her adult habits will emerge from a different relationship and motivation; it won't be the same thing.

 

Her behavior with chores, minimal compliance, and her siblings are well within normal bounds. Annoying? Yes. :grouphug: But normal. You did not create it; you can't "fix" it.

 

Here's the thing. When you have a disconnect of *getting* a child, punishment (which I am not terribly fond of anyway) is not going to help. It is only going to reinforce the disconnect. It WON'T attach or effect the behavior you think it will.

 

And, while I am on it, I don't agree with "follow through" advice. Just because you said it (i.e. you can't go to the party), it does not mean you have to stick with it. Going to that party (which sounded reasonable, attractive and fun) was important to her. You said in your update it wouldn't have been a big deal if she had missed it. I think you, in your not "getting" your dd, are making the disconnect worse.

 

If you want to teach her contentment, satiety, or gratitude, begin a gratitude journal together. Without a hint of object lesson. As a mother/daughter project. Find service work you can do with her - without a lecture of any kind about "how lucky she is." When she asks for another pair of flats, and you are not buying them, say a firm "No. Do not ask again." But don't lecture on the desire for them. I want multiple flats. ;)

 

RainbowSprinkles, I would prescribe bonding and attachment with your dd. I'd encourage you to focus on affection, playfulness, and finding ways to like this child. I'd tell you to find ways to genuinely let her know you like her. I'd find ways to physically interact with her (fix her hair, rub her back, etc). I'd work towards building a positive dynamic and tone. What will happen with that is 1) she'll act better and 2) her habits will be less annoying to her.

 

Such great advice. This was good for me to hear in dealing with my own tween boys.

[JumpyTheFrog]

And she is lazy. She only does minimal. When we tell her to vaccuum downstairs (which is a small area to begin with) she moves the vaccum around a few times and calls it done. When she supposed to do the dishes, she'll put the clean ones away, but not put the dirty ones in.

 

When Tigger was 5 he wasn't doing a very thorough job vacuuming one of the bedrooms. One day I dumped a bunch of baking soda all over the floor and said to vacuum until all the baking soda was gone.

 

You could try this with your daughter. Sprinkle the baking soda all over the floor every time she has to vacuum until she is consistently thorough. Stand there and watch if you have to, showing how to move the vacuum back and forth in lines to make sure no spots are skipped.

 

If you have a video camera or can borrow one, you could set it up to record while she works. After she's done, have her watch the video while you point out the areas she skipped. Using the camera is a way to "watch her" when you can't be there with her at the time.

[2squared]

I used to think along the lines of "if she can't even treat her brother (one of the most important relationship in her life, at least to me) with respect, than forget about being friends with other people" !

 

Well... that has changed. While siblings are very important, peers are too. They are very important at that age. She will learn to interact equal to equal, not always in the role of the big sister. She is developing her identity through her own eyes but through those of her peers as well and that is OK. That she is thriving socially in her new environment is fantastic! Only 2 weeks in and she is already invited to a party. That, as a parent, is something to rejoice in.

 

:iagree: Your dd is going to need the support of good friends, particularly in public school. If your go-to punishment is taking away social opportunities, she will emotionally distance herself from her family. This punishment will only make things worse.

 

She's the kind of kid who thinks things should be given to her simply because. She's never content with what she has. For example, she has a twin bed, she wants a queen bed. She has a beautifully painted desk, she wants an Ikea desk. She has brown flats, she needs black and pink ones too.

 

I have a 10yo dd who covets. This used to drive dh & I crazy. We were so negative to her about it, and our negativity made things so much worse. One day I realized that I wasn't giving her a fair shot. Why was it so wrong that she wanted more, different, or better? I certainly want more, different, and better. Home should be a place where she feels comfortable discussing her thoughts. Also, and this is big, I realized that I don't want her to be complacent with her life. I want her to dream big. I want her to push herself to be better and to do more. Now we both talk about our dreams and our desires. I am teaching her to reframe her thoughts in a positive way, and our relationship is much stronger.