Twin Friendship(s) Advice

[fourcatmom]

We have neighbors that have twin girls. Each one of my girls likes a particular girl. They all play together but each have a girl that they are closer to. This is mutual. Most of the time they all play together but sometimes they split up and each pair does their own thing.

 

The other day my oldest dd was doing homework and my younger dd wanted to play but it was raining. She asked if she could invite her "twin" over. I said okay but didn't necessarily want both girls over since my other dd was doing work and it adds to the noise level in the house. I was tired and just didn't need the extra noise. Three kids changes things more then just two. She asked but the mother said no. Fast forward to a day later and my dd went again to ask if the girl could play (this time outside) and the girl told her that she was grounded because my dd didn't invite the sister over as well.

 

Like I said, for the most part I would always invite both of them as I have two children as well and it works. I had just had both girls over for a sleepover this weekend. I am really surprised that this child was grounded just because I didn't want two extra kids in my house. How is that her dd's fault?

 

So, is it always a two for one deal with twins? Do your twins engage in different activities and have their own friends?

 

My dd wanst to apologize to the mother but I don't think she should. I don't think I should have to apologize for only inviting one child, one time. Especially after having them over for the weekend. I feel sorry for the daughter and don't mind my dd telling her that we are sorry that she is grounded but I don't feel like I owe the mother any explanation or apology.

 

Am I wrong? How would you proceed?

Edited October 24, 2012 by fourcatmom

[Catwoman]

You're not wrong. Your dd has nothing to apologize for. Twins do not have to be joined at the hip 24/7.

 

Personally, I understand that the other mom might not want one of her kids to be excluded, but her response seems extreme to me. Why would she punish her own dd because the dd's twin wasn't invited to your home? :confused:

 

The mom sounds like kind of a nut.

[kewb]

I don't understand why the twin was grounded. That sounds a little wonky to me.

I guess my question is, does the other mother know that your dd is really only friends with the one twin.

 

As for them always being a twofer, I don't have twins but I have known some. The families I did know the twins had their own interests and friends.

 

As for your dd apologizing, I don't think she needs to but if the mother is going to behave like this it may be necessary to salvage the relationship between the girls.

[fourcatmom]

Personally, I do believe the mom is little wonky but that's a whole other topic. I can also understand her saying no to coming over since one might feel left out but the grounding part really confused me. I really don't understand the logic behind it. I was pretty sure there wasn't any logic, actually.

 

I do try really hard to not have anyone feel left out, including my own but sometimes that's the way life works. My kids are only 14 months apart and some of their friends are the same and some are not. Just the way it is.

 

Thanks!

[Catwoman]

If anyone explains things to the other mom, it should be you and not your dd.

[myfatherslily]

I have no advice on the twins friendship aspect, but I know my kids translate stuff in weird ways sometimes. It could be that the girl said something to the other like, "Only *I* was invited and you can't come!" and got herself grounded. Or maybe the mom said that she should stay home unless they were both invited and the girl related that as being "grounded". Honestly, it feels like playing the game Telephone when kids pass messages along!

[AndyJoy]

I have no advice on the twins friendship aspect, but I know my kids translate stuff in weird ways sometimes. It could be that the girl said something to the other like, "Only *I* was invited and you can't come!" and got herself grounded. Or maybe the mom said that she should stay home unless they were both invited and the girl related that as being "grounded". Honestly, it feels like playing the game Telephone when kids pass messages along!

:iagree:I was thinking the same thing. Or maybe mom said they can only go as a pair and the girl threw a fit. A lot usually gets left out when kids retell things, especially regarding their own behavior/punishments!

[Pink Fairy]

:iagree:I was thinking the same thing. Or maybe mom said they can only go as a pair and the girl threw a fit. A lot usually gets left out when kids retell things, especially regarding their own behavior/punishments!

 

Yep, this.

[Tasia]

That sounds odd to me, but maybe the second girl was upset about not being invited? Or they could have had problems with one of them getting left out in the past?

 

Ds11's best friend is a twin, and he and his brother are complete opposites. I don't think they have any of the same friends, one plays hockey, one figure skates, etc. When they were younger, their mother was thrilled when one was invited somewhere, because so many people thought of them as a package.

[Impish]

When it comes to kids versions of events, I've learned it's best to take it w/a salt lick.

 

Case in point: Diva was at Sunday School, and asked for a paper and pen to write a note. She told the teacher that she wasn't allowed to talk to us for a wk.

:001_huh::glare:

 

The REALITY of it was, she'd begged us to have a bet w/her for $20, that she could go a wk w/out talking. We said there was no way, she insisted she could...blah blah blah.

 

but, I got accused of refusing to allow my child to speak to me for a wk. :glare:

[Caitilin]

I have twins. They do have their friends in common, but each is closer to some than others, and they're not the same ones. However, I don't remember their ever being invited separately to do something. Occasionally, one has a previous engagement of some type, or is sick or something, but in my memory, invites are made to both twins, even if only one can attend.

 

So basically, I don't think it's "wrong" that you only asked one twin over, but I do think its kinda strange. YMMV. :001_smile:

[fourcatmom]

If anyone explains things to the other mom, it should be you and not your dd.

 

I agree but I am not sure I want to get that involved. When she told my dd about it, the other twin said, "your not suppose to tell her!" I really have no idea what is going on but I am not sure it's my place to go and ask about it.

 

I have no advice on the twins friendship aspect, but I know my kids translate stuff in weird ways sometimes. It could be that the girl said something to the other like, "Only *I* was invited and you can't come!" and got herself grounded. Or maybe the mom said that she should stay home unless they were both invited and the girl related that as being "grounded". Honestly, it feels like playing the game Telephone when kids pass messages along!

 

I do feel like there should be more to this story then just what we heard and I told her maybe at some point we would understand it. They were on opposite days though but I am thinking something else must have happened to have her grounded and it started with my dd asking her to visit. I know their brother is often offended if he is not included so maybe that's just what they believe.

 

I have twins. They do have their friends in common, but each is closer to some than others, and they're not the same ones. However, I don't remember their ever being invited separately to do something. Occasionally, one has a previous engagement of some type, or is sick or something, but in my memory, invites are made to both twins, even if only one can attend.

 

So basically, I don't think it's "wrong" that you only asked one twin over, but I do think its kinda strange. YMMV. :001_smile:

 

I understand but I don't think I have to invite all of them everything my dd wants to play just as I would not expect her to invite both my dd's if just one of her girls wanted to play. If others feel differently, that' s fine and we won't be inviting one any more but probably won't have much opportunity for both of them to come either. If both girls were really good friends I could even understand it more but they each really like one of the twins and if that twin doesn't play that they like, then my dd's usually don't play and that is mutual with the twins. If twin one plays with older dd and if she comes over, she just asks for that child not my other child.

 

I appreciate the feedback. What does YMMV stand for?

Edited October 24, 2012 by fourcatmom

[Juniper]

I would not ground my child, because a neighbor invited one and not the other...but I might not let the one go over either. It really depends on how the twins relationship between the two of them is. If the separate friendships are strong and the twins are secure in their mutual love for one another (read none competitive over relationships) it wouldn't be a problem. More often than not, this can be very hurtful for the one that is not invited. Look at it from their perspective, they are not being invited over simply because "they" are not wanted. Nothing to do with age or gender. They are not the younger or older sibling...they just are not wanted.

 

I wouldn't be mad at you...heck having them both can be overwhelming!!! but I still would not allow the scenario you described, most of the time. If the other twin was completely engrossed in something else and had NO interest in coming over, it probably wouldn't bother me.

 

Now, your child would be welcome to play at my house till her sibling was done with homework, or they could all go outside.

[Catwoman]

What does YMMV stand for?

 

Usually, it means Your Mileage May Vary. :001_smile:

[Catwoman]

 

So basically, I don't think it's "wrong" that you only asked one twin over, but I do think its kinda strange. YMMV. :001_smile:

 

Why would it be strange? Twins have different personalities, so a kid that likes one twin may not be particularly thrilled with the other one. Also, many kids like to play one-on-one with their friends, and prefer not to include the friend's sibling.

 

When we were growing up, the girls next door were twins, and they had separate friendships in addition to the ones they shared. We thought nothing of going over and asking one twin to play -- and the girls and their parents were fine with it, too.

 

They won't always be a "package deal," so I don't know why it would seem strange when other people view them as two separate entities, rather than just as, "the twins."

[Juniper]

Why would it be strange? Twins have different personalities, so a kid that likes one twin may not be particularly thrilled with the other one. Also, many kids like to play one-on-one with their friends, and prefer not to include the friend's sibling.

 

When we were growing up, the girls next door were twins, and they had separate friendships in addition to the ones they shared. We thought nothing of going over and asking one twin to play -- and the girls and their parents were fine with it, too.

 

They won't always be a "package deal," so I don't know why it would seem strange when other people view them as two separate entities, rather than just as, "the twins."

 

Because depending on age and personalities the "twins" may not yet view themselves as completely separate entities.

 

When mine were in PS, I insisted they were in separate classes, because I wanted them to have separate friends. In those cases I would let them do things with their separate friends. But neighborhood and team friendships fall into a different category.

 

I am not saying that it will be this way forever...I sure hope not! But at the 10-11 age they are still quite the unit and it is difficult on them to be separated if their isn't a very clear dividing line...like a different classroom.

[Catwoman]

Because depending on age and personalities the "twins" may not yet view themselves as completely separate entities.

 

When mine were in PS, I insisted they were in separate classes, because I wanted them to have separate friends. In those cases I would let them do things with their separate friends. But neighborhood and team friendships fall into a different category.

 

I am not saying that it will be this way forever...I sure hope not! But at the 10-11 age they are still quite the unit and it is difficult on them to be separated if their isn't a very clear dividing line...like a different classroom.

 

That's very interesting. It definitely wasn't the case with the twins we knew, even when we were all very young. Maybe those twins were the exception, rather than the rule, though!

[fourcatmom]

Maybe it just comes down to how the family of the twins see them. I am starting to think that this family seem them as a package and they should stay together, although when they were coming for a sleepover this weekend there was a comment that one might not be able to come because she had unfinished homework. I don't know. I wonder if the mother is not more mad at me thinking "why" I didn't want them both. As one person said, inviting one and having two friends play is different then inviting two and having three children especially when the fourth was still doing homework. Honestly, she also seems to me like the kind of parent that enjoys having other people watch her children. I adore the girls but the rest I could live without.

 

I would also agree that I was hesitant to do it because I didn't want the other girls feelings to get hurt but at the same time they come over and ask for their "friend" to play and don't think twice about it.

 

If they are being raised in a family that sees them as individuals then maybe it's not a big deal but if they are a package then I can see how this might upset them. I still don't get the grounding part though! :confused:

[Juniper]

That's very interesting. It definitely wasn't the case with the twins we knew, even when we were all very young. Maybe those twins were the exception, rather than the rule, though!

 

 

Who knows!!! :D Twins are fascinating. Mine have very different personalities, but their interests are the same. I know that mine miss out on a lot of invitations, because they do come as a unit and they are very ACTIVE! It is okay, the damage that would be done leaving one out so the other can go do something fun is not a price I will pay.

 

Deep down...they do not like to be separated by friends like that. At first it is flattering, but they know the other is hurting or jealous...and well...blood is thicker than water in the long run.

[fourcatmom]

Because depending on age and personalities the "twins" may not yet view themselves as completely separate entities.

 

When mine were in PS, I insisted they were in separate classes, because I wanted them to have separate friends. In those cases I would let them do things with their separate friends. But neighborhood and team friendships fall into a different category.

 

I am not saying that it will be this way forever...I sure hope not! But at the 10-11 age they are still quite the unit and it is difficult on them to be separated if their isn't a very clear dividing line...like a different classroom.

 

 

I can understand this. They are in different classrooms, actually the brother is in the same grade although older so all three are separated at school but I can see where in the neighborhood their expectation might be different. Thanks. I do feel bad that we may have inadvertently hurt their feelings but really can't understand the grounding at this point.

[fourcatmom]

Who knows!!! :D Twins are fascinating. Mine have very different personalities, but their interests are the same. I know that mine miss out on a lot of invitations, because they do come as a unit and they are very ACTIVE! It is okay, the damage that would be done leaving one out so the other can go do something fun is not a price I will pay.

 

Deep down...they do not like to be separated by friends like that. At first it is flattering, but they know the other is hurting or jealous...and well...blood is thicker than water in the long run.

 

Thank you for this perspective. Something to think about. I was so focused on the fact that they seem to have their own friend (my dd's) whom they are close too but I can see how their relationship is different and special then single children. Even though my girls are very close and close in age, they do appreciate time apart but also clearly see themselves as two different people. I do really appreciate the point of view from the "twin" side.

[Juniper]

I can understand this. They are in different classrooms, actually the brother is in the same grade although older so all three are separated at school but I can see where in the neighborhood their expectation might be different. Thanks. I do feel bad that we may have inadvertently hurt their feelings but really can't understand the grounding at this point.

 

The grounding thing is weird. In a bad parenting moment, if I didn't at first understand that both were not invited, I might suddenly remember that the invited twin was "grounded" and could not come over.

 

If I say, No she cannot come without her sister...I open the sister up to being resented by her twin (which will only last until the shoe is on the other foot) and by you and your dd. With you being a neighbor I may not be willing to risk the long term consequences for her. I would rather you think me a little kooky, than my dd be viewed as someone to be tolerated so your dd can play with her sister.

 

It sounds like a bit of an awkward situation. :grouphug:

[fourcatmom]

The grounding thing is weird. In a bad parenting moment, if I didn't at first understand that both were not invited, I might suddenly remember that the invited twin was "grounded" and could not come over.

 

If I say, No she cannot come without her sister...I open the sister up to being resented by her twin (which will only last until the shoe is on the other foot) and by you and your dd. With you being a neighbor I may not be willing to risk the long term consequences for her. I would rather you think me a little kooky, than my dd be viewed as someone to be tolerated so your dd can play with her sister.

 

It sounds like a bit of an awkward situation. :grouphug:

 

And I guess if she had just no that they couldn't play which she did then that would have been okay and I understand this but to ground her the next day and not allow her to play because of it is what I am missing. I can totally understand her not wanting one to play without the other, and I respect her reasons for that.

[sparrow]

I can understand this. They are in different classrooms, actually the brother is in the same grade although older so all three are separated at school but I can see where in the neighborhood their expectation might be different. Thanks. I do feel bad that we may have inadvertently hurt their feelings but really can't understand the grounding at this point.

 

:grouphug: I can't understand the grounding, either.

 

 

Because depending on age and personalities the "twins" may not yet view themselves as completely separate entities.

 

When mine were in PS, I insisted they were in separate classes, because I wanted them to have separate friends. In those cases I would let them do things with their separate friends. But neighborhood and team friendships fall into a different category.

 

I am not saying that it will be this way forever...I sure hope not! But at the 10-11 age they are still quite the unit and it is difficult on them to be separated if their isn't a very clear dividing line...like a different classroom.

 

We have twins in our Junior Girl Scout troop that we separate as much as possible. If we don't separate them, they only interact with each other, or us, the adult leaders. Ideally, I think they'd do best in separate troops altogether, but that's not an option. They always give us a hard time when we split up the unit, but as soon as they start a project with the other girls, they are fine. They are a handful, though, in addition to the twin aspect.

[Paige]

If they are being raised in a family that sees them as individuals then maybe it's not a big deal but if they are a package then I can see how this might upset them. I still don't get the grounding part though! :confused:

 

IMO, as a parent of identicals, I don't think it is fair to say that parents/families raise twins as individuals or as a package. Families respond to their children's personalities and to who these people show them that they are. Some twins may be closer than others and some may want to be a unit more than others. The dynamics with twins is very different than it is among other siblings and it develops very early.

 

My twins have very similar personalities and always have. They pick their own clothes out in the morning and choose to dress alike more than half the time- partly because they like to look alike and partly because they both want to wear the same thing and neither wants to change just to be different. They were in the same class at school because they wanted to be and because they do better like that. Their teachers have always told me that once in the classroom, they do not interact much with each other and play with the other kids normally. They have the same friends- always- probably because their personalities are so similar. I think that right now, having their twin with them makes them feel secure to branch out and be more outgoing with others. When people insist on separating them, they usually don't do as well and become very shy. They end up not talking or playing with anyone and don't participate in whatever the activity is.

 

I don't think it is wrong for you to want to invite just one twin, but I also don't think it is wrong if the mother decides to decline. I find the whole grounding issue to be bizarre and I think that it is likely there is more to the story. If it really bothers you, maybe you could tell the mother what you heard and ask for clarification so nobody is upset in the future.

[SpecialClassical]

Perhaps the mom told the daughter that she didn't want the daughter to visit for a few days in order to think through the situation. (The appearance of one girl being grounded.). The little girl might have taken that as a grounding and repeated it as such.

[Unicorn.]

As a mom of twins, you were absolutely right to let your dd only invite one! My girls missed out on some friendships and play dates, because people thought they had to invite both of them, even after I repeated over and over, that I wanted them to have separate friends! You don't need to apologize to the other mom at all. And I agree that she probably isn't grounded for your dd only inviting one.

[Caitilin]

My twins are identicals. I am the first, always, to say that my girls are different people, with different personalities and likes and dislikes, and ought not to be considered simply as a package. I never refer to them IRL as "the twins", for example.

 

However, it is our experience that a) they consider each other to be friends as well as sisters, and close friends at that; b) that their friends consider that it would be rude, RUDE to invite only one and not the other; and c) that yes, they tend to be perceived by others as "a package," though we don't foster that perception ourselves, either with our dds or with their friends.

 

In our case, as I said, though my girls are now very nearly 15, they still have all their friends in common, though as I say, they have varying degrees of closeness; I know that their feelings would be hurt if only one of them were invited to come to something. Now one might well decline, but that's her choice, not a snub.

 

If it were my children, and this one-child-only-invitation happened more than once, we'd probably politely be "busy" all the time. I don't do hurt feelings for my kids when simple courtesy could avoid it. And, FTR, I do the same for my boys who are close in age though not twins, and extend the courtesy to other friends' families whose children are close in age.

[Unicorn.]

It could very well be that she wants them to play as a unit, but she should have just told her dd to tell you that they had to go together Depending on their age, it could be a safety concern, but again, she should have just told you. You might need to bring it up and ask for clarification.

[fourcatmom]

IMO, as a parent of identicals, I don't think it is fair to say that parents/families raise twins as individuals or as a package. Families respond to their children's personalities and to who these people show them that they are. Some twins may be closer than others and some may want to be a unit more than others. The dynamics with twins is very different than it is among other siblings and it develops very early.

 

My twins have very similar personalities and always have. They pick their own clothes out in the morning and choose to dress alike more than half the time- partly because they like to look alike and partly because they both want to wear the same thing and neither wants to change just to be different. They were in the same class at school because they wanted to be and because they do better like that. Their teachers have always told me that once in the classroom, they do not interact much with each other and play with the other kids normally. They have the same friends- always- probably because their personalities are so similar. I think that right now, having their twin with them makes them feel secure to branch out and be more outgoing with others. When people insist on separating them, they usually don't do as well and become very shy. They end up not talking or playing with anyone and don't participate in whatever the activity is.

 

I don't think it is wrong for you to want to invite just one twin, but I also don't think it is wrong if the mother decides to decline. I find the whole grounding issue to be bizarre and I think that it is likely there is more to the story. If it really bothers you, maybe you could tell the mother what you heard and ask for clarification so nobody is upset in the future.

 

I wasn't trying to generalize so much as just understand from their point of view and what we all do as family does influence how are kids behave so I am just trying to say that if they Mom really encourages them to be together and likes that then maybe they have those feelings as well. I am really trying to understand this from a twin point of view.

[fourcatmom]

My twins are identicals. I am the first, always, to say that my girls are different people, with different personalities and likes and dislikes, and ought not to be considered simply as a package. I never refer to them IRL as "the twins", for example.

 

However, it is our experience that a) they consider each other to be friends as well as sisters, and close friends at that; b) that their friends consider that it would be rude, RUDE to invite only one and not the other; and c) that yes, they tend to be perceived by others as "a package," though we don't foster that perception ourselves, either with our dds or with their friends.

 

In our case, as I said, though my girls are now very nearly 15, they still have all their friends in common, though as I say, they have varying degrees of closeness; I know that their feelings would be hurt if only one of them were invited to come to something. Now one might well decline, but that's her choice, not a snub.

 

If it were my children, and this one-child-only-invitation happened more than once, we'd probably politely be "busy" all the time. I don't do hurt feelings for my kids when simple courtesy could avoid it. And, FTR, I do the same for my boys who are close in age though not twins, and extend the courtesy to other friends' families whose children are close in age.

 

Just for clarification this is the only time I have done this and was really because I did not feel well and my other dd was busy. I will certainly not do it again for this family and hopefully can clarify for the mother as some point why I did what I did. I honestly did not find it rude but I find it presumptuous to think that I always have to have them both. I also mentioned that the brother has displayed quite objective behavior about being left out by his sisters so I suspect that being alone is just not something they entertain. I am okay with that, we each have our own opinions. I started this thread to get a better understanding of twin relationships so that I can proceed and maybe make different choices next time. Unfortunately, if they always have to come as two then I probably won't invite as much and they can play outside when they can. That's just the way I feel and I don't have any interest in making one feel not wanted. I just saw it more as a friend issue and not a twin issue when I invited the one.

 

On the flip side, the TWINS come to my house and ask for a specific child to play, not both so this has been the relationship that has been set-up. If it had always been that both play with both then I would agree if would feel unfair. If twin 1 comes to my door and asks for dd 1 and not dd2 then isn't is kind of the same?

Edited October 24, 2012 by fourcatmom

[Caitilin]

Well, I find that with so many kids in my house already, having a friend for each keeps everyone busier and out of my hair than having only one extra person would. :lol: I admit that when my boys have birthday parties and there are 8 or 10 of them, I am very ready for them to go home at the end, but in general I don't find a couple more kids a big deal. I do understand, though, that my perspective is formed from my having a largish family, and many people don't share it. :001_smile:

[fourcatmom]

Well, I find that with so many kids in my house already, having a friend for each keeps everyone busier and out of my hair than having only one extra person would. :lol: I admit that when my boys have birthday parties and there are 8 or 10 of them, I am very ready for them to go home at the end, but in general I don't find a couple more kids a big deal. I do understand, though, that my perspective is formed from my having a largish family, and many people don't share it. :001_smile:

 

And again this was party only because my other dd was doing schoolwork. In general, I am okay with them both coming over. It was a bad day and I guess I should have just said no but then I feel like I am punishing my dd because her friend happens to be "twin" or because her sister didn't finish her work.

Edited October 24, 2012 by fourcatmom

[Catwoman]

I find it presumptuous to think that I always have to have them both.

 

I would feel exactly the same way.

 

On the flip side, the TWINS come to my house and ask for a specific child to play, not both so this has been the relationship that has been set-up. If had always been both play with both then I would agree if would feel unfair. If twin 1 comes to my door and asks for dd 1 and not dd2 then isn't is kind of the same?

 

Sounds exactly the same to me. If it's OK for them to ask to play with only one of your children, why wouldn't it be OK for your kids to do the same and just invite one of them to play? :confused:

 

Fair is fair.

[Catwoman]

And again this was party only because my other dd was doing schoolwork. In general, I am okay with them both coming over. It was a bad and I guess I should have just said no but then I feel like I am punishing my dd because her friend happens to be "twin" or because her sister didn't finish her work.

 

Don't apologize, Michele -- You didn't do anything wrong. :001_smile:

[fourcatmom]

Don't apologize, Michele -- You didn't do anything wrong. :001_smile:

 

I just feel bad. I also really wanted my dd to be able to play. She is not the most social child so I want to encourage her to have these friendships. Even on a day where I didn't feel good, I knew that it would be good for her. I do think having twins is a unique experience and I do value and respect the other opinions that were shared. It is some food for thought for sure. I think in combination with a "difficult" mom this grew into something it wasn't meant to be but maybe there is more to the story that I know.

 

This thread really got long....but great feedback. Thanks! :001_smile:

[Juniper]

As a mother of twins...don't apologize!!!! You didn't do anything wrong. It is not you or your child's fault that I have to deal with something a bit unusual. It doesn't mean their might not be awkward moments, but you didn't do anything wrong.

 

Let's look at this from your perspective. Imagine that your girls have been at each for a couple days. Just a bit biting and rude towards each other. The neighbor twin comes over and begins to issue an invitation.....your mistakenly think, "Okay, the girls could use a change of scenery, they will each have someone to connect to, I am okay with this because even though they have not been behaving well, I think distraction will accomplish more than punishment."

 

Just as quickly, you realize that only one is going to be able to come over. Your not mad at the neighbor, that is their right, but it will make a trying situation in your family even more difficult. You cannot reward on catty child, while the other stays home.

 

This may not be what happened, but I can see this happening in my house. After thinking about, I don't even know that it is a twin thing. This is just having siblings in close age with similar neighbors.

 

You walk a vary fine line with this issue and identical twins. They are different people, they have different personalities. I have one that after you get to know them is more personable than the other. The other is a tad bit more high maintenance and whiny. I have watched as a mutual friend begins to prefer one over the other. Although, on some level I completely understand, a 10 year old who is genetically identical will not understand. It is a deep cut thought of "something is horribly wrong with me." I am confident they will mature out of this, but until said time I do have to protect them.

 

So, I might allow them to seek out your dd's as individuals as they begin to mature as individuals. It is good and healthy for them. Everyday, though is not the same and sometimes I have to fight the bigger battle.

 

None of this is your fault...it is just one of the joys of identical twins! :D

[LNC]

I am an identical twin. We had some different friends being in different classrooms. However, when invited over or to parties it was always together.

 

edited: I just saw how long the thread was and my experience may not be how you want to handle it. But, that is how it was for me, I'm not really saying it was right or wrong... My mom probably would have done what the neighbor did though...

Edited October 24, 2012 by LNC

[Kari C in SC]

My oldest son was best friends with twins from the time he was 5. When he was younger, they mostly all played together. As they got older, he became closer to one twin. I would say like 11 or 12ish. Then, for the most part, we only ever had the one twin over. Not that he wasn't still friends with both, but it was clear that he was closer to one. I am not sure what I would have done in your situation. I never really had to deal with it because, honestly, my son always wanted to go to the twins house.

[Parrothead]

Dd is friends with a set of twins. These twins insist on being treated as individuals instead of a unit. Hopefully no one gives them the idea that dd ought to invite them both separately. So no, I don't think it would have been a problem if dd invited one but not the other. Actually I think I've had one show up here but not the other.

 

I think it will depend on their personalities and how they are being raised.