Inlaws-AAAHHH

[saraha]

Ok, this is a big ole jawm vent. I married into an entire family who can't be anywhere on time. And not just 5 or 10 minutes late, but like very, very late. This weekend we had a birthday party for one of my daughters. We had set the time at 4:00. Her friend's mom called at 3 to say they would be late, but that they would definitely be there. They got there at 4:30 and were the FIRST ones to arrive! My m/fil and b/sils were over 30 minutes late! My daughter was in tears thinking no one was coming to her party.

Today, my husband was supposed to go with bil and nephews on a big guys week up to Maine, picking up a cousin on the way in NJ. Bil insisted that he meet him at 4:00 at my inlaws house. Nephew (bil's grown son) was there at 3:30. Husband flew home from work stressed out because he was running behind because of a big project he was leaving at work, threw his already packed stuff in his car, gave us a hasty goodbye in which there were 4 little girls crying and drove off to inlaws house. They didn't leave until 3 HOURS later. Bil showed up 2 hours late, and then for some reason I don't know because husband didn't want to say too much as they were all in the car together, they didn't leave for another HOUR! I am so mad on his behalf! I am a very punctual person and consider lateness rude/ inconsiderate to the people waiting. My husband could have spent a couple of hours at home decompressing and hanging out with us! And they wonder why I have refused to go on a big family vacation with them for years!!! I have sat in a car for over an hour with starving/crying children waiting on these people before, and it drives me insane everytime! AAAHHHH!!! Now they will be driving all night after they all worked all day. That is not safe and I am worried because they were supposed to get to NJ, sleep for about 4 hours and then get back on the road to Maine. Now all of their sleeping time in NJ is gone, so husband will be up from 5:00 this morning until they arrive in Maine sometime tomorrow night! In a car with 4 other guys in the same boat!

I know there are other people on here who have way worse inlaws, and I am truly sorry to be a whiner when I have it good compared to some, but I am going to worry like crazy until tomorrow night and they arrive safe.

[4everHis]

WOW! That would be my undoing! So sorry you and the girls missed time with your dh. Does he 'see' this and realize it is done in total disrespect to him?

[besroma]

:grouphug: I am sorry your kids didn't get the time they needed to say goodbye. I am also sorry this put you in a situation where you will be concerned about your DH's safety. :grouphug:

[nukeswife]

:grouphug: That would drive me to drink. I hate being late and also find it rude in others. If it's a few minutes once in a blue moon, I get it, but to be consistently late is just inconsiderate. I have an aunt that is consistently 30 minutes late, when I used to live near her I would intentionally tell her the start time was 30-45 minutes before it really was, usually she was then only 10 minutes late. Not great, but somewhat of an improvement.

[tex-mex]

If this is the case... why not tell them the event starts an hour "early" knowing if they are late... they in reality, show up on time? ;)

[saraha]

I know, right!!!! He does know this, but would also be habitually late if it weren't for me. Husband is the youngest and just lets everyone else have their say. I am going to be up all night praying and all day tomorrow praying that they make it without killing themselves or someone else. They want to do a big family vacation this summer, which I have already started campaigning against. The last time we all went together 6 years ago, we were meeting up at the condos we had rented. We got there first of course so got our pick. Sil (who is the oldest) was livid. Hey, first come first served. THen they insisted we do EVERYTHING together. Us and our 3 kids, Bil with his 3, Sil with her 3 and m/fil. No one could ever agree on anything and I remember driving around for a full hour and a half while they argued over walkie-talkies on which restaurant to eat at one day for lunch. It is like this with everything! For mother's day, we were supposed to meet up at a park for a picnic for mil. Guess who was the only ones there at the designated time? With hungry, anxious kids? And of course I have tried the whole, well you know they are going to be late, so don't hurry, and of course that would be the time that everyone else showed up at a reasonable hour and gave us a hard time for getting there late.

My mother was insane about getting places early. I grew up with things like getting dressed in the car just so we wouldn't be late some where. It was humiliating for her to be the last one to arrive, and I totally feel the same way. How, oh how did I not know this about these people before I got married?

[saraha]

If this is the case... why not tell them the event starts an hour "early" knowing if they are late... they in reality, show up on time? ;)

 

 

I actually tried that once, but when husband figured out what I had done, he was very annoyed at me. He said it was being manipulative and disrespectful. I think he was really afraid that they would find out and be insulted.:glare:

I know I sound terrible right now, but I have no one IRL to vent this too, and I really am angry and worried. And I have to play it cool in front of 6 kids who are already keyed up about daddy leaving. And I don't journal and all of this anger has to go somewhere.

Edited October 4, 2012 by saraha

[Unicorn.]

If this is the case... why not tell them the event starts an hour "early" knowing if they are late... they in reality, show up on time? ;)

 

Yep, dh's aunt is always told we are eating an hour earlier than we really are at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Of course, she knows this now, and is still late. We don't wait anymore. If mil says 12, we eat at 12. Even if half the food hasn't arrived.

 

OP- it really isn't hard to JAWY on this one. That is beyond aggravating.

[tex-mex]

I actually tried that once, but when husband figured out what I had done, he was very annoyed at me. He said it was being manipulative and disrespectful. I think he was really afraid that they would find out and be insulted.:glare:

:confused::confused::confused:

 

Sounds like both you and your dh do not agree on the problem? Does he see their tardy for the party an issue or not? He does not see their behavior as manipulative or disrespectful? LOL

[tex-mex]

Yep, dh's aunt is always told we are eating an hour earlier than we really are at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Of course, she knows this now, and is still late. We don't wait anymore. If mil says 12, we eat at 12. Even if half the food hasn't arrived.

My grandma had this rule for holiday meals. She would threaten us if we weren't at her home in time for 12 noon meal -- we would get cold leftovers. It only happened once. After that, we made sure to get there on time. :D

[saraha]

:confused::confused::confused:

 

Sounds like both you and your dh do not agree on the problem? Does he see their tardy for the party an issue or not? He does not see their behavior as manipulative or disrespectful? LOL

 

We don't see it the same. He was like "Don't worry, they'll be here. Eventually." Pat daughter on the back. He was frustrated with tonight's thing, but I know he won't say anything about it since there isn't anything that will come of it, and he wanted to go on the trip, so wouldn't have backed out.

 

 

My grandma had this rule for holiday meals. She would threaten us if we weren't at her home in time for 12 noon meal -- we would get cold leftovers. It only happened once. After that, we made sure to get there on time. :D

 

My mom is like that too. I really like order and schedule. Showing up late with the daggone turkey is just inexcusable. When my mom says Thanksgiving is at 12, that means get here by 11:30 so we can have all the food ready and on the table at 12. When my mil says Thanksfiving is at 12 that means show up around 12 or whatever and we'll eat whenever everyone gets here. For my mom's dinner, I bring the meat. For my mil's dinner, I bring appetizers and finger foods so me and the kids don't starve to death waiting.

 

Thanks everyone for all of the support. Please pray that these lunatics make it to Maine without endangering anyone else on the road.

[Anne in CA]

You do have all my sympathy. My BFF is this exact way and there is no changing her. I would love to go to the beach with her this weekend, it's going to be sunny, but knowing how late we would start it would be a huge chunk out of the weekend.

[Catwoman]

What I don't understand is why your dh would race like a lunatic to get out of your house and on the road, when he had to have known that there was no possible way in the world that his relatives would have been ready to leave on time, anyway. Also, why would your dh worry about being late, when his family probably wouldn't even notice? :confused:

 

I think he is showing your in-laws far too much respect in this regard. He should have called them to say he was running late, and then spent an hour or two relaxing with you and the kids so he could have said goodbye properly.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about them not sleeping and being on the road while they're too tired. What are the chances they will be punctual about getting up and getting back on the road? If anything, I'll bet your dh will be waiting for them again.

 

I have to say that I tend to be a little late sometimes, but never HOURS late, and if we're going to be more than 10-15 minutes late, I always call to let people know what's going on. Your in-laws sound horribly inconsiderate! What kind of rotten family is hours late for a kid's party???

[PrincessMommy]

I have people like this in my life (although not usually an hour late!)... and it's frustrating. I don't think they realize that they are saying by their actions that other people don't matter. It really is quite rude and thoughtless. Sigh.... but not much you can do to change them.

 

I would really encourage you to talk with your husband again. Explain how it hurts his children. Maybe he'll get it then.

 

:grouphug:

[Lisbeth]

I actually tried that once, but when husband figured out what I had done, he was very annoyed at me. He said it was being manipulative and disrespectful. I think he was really afraid that they would find out and be insulted.:glare:

I know I sound terrible right now, but I have no one IRL to vent this too, and I really am angry and worried. And I have to play it cool in front of 6 kids who are already keyed up about daddy leaving. And I don't journal and all of this anger has to go somewhere.

 

Ugh...sorry, but they deserve to be insulted, U for the life of me don't understand all of tgis coddling of adults that goes on in families.

[Kirch]

IME, the only way to handle this without losing your sanity is to make your plans and stick to them, letting the latecomers figure things out or fend for themselves if that's what the consequences are. If I say we're going to eat at 12:00, we eat at 12:00, whether everyone's there or not. If they're late, they can heat up a plate in the microwave or choose from the picked-over food that's left. If we arrange to meet someplace, my family starts the activity at or close to the agreed-upon time whether they are there or not. They can join us when they arrive. In your example about the driving around forever trying to choose a restaurant, I would have said, "Sorry guys, I've got some really hungry kiddos. We're going to stop at (restaurant) if anyone else wants to join us." Everything is cheerful and matter-of-fact, so if anyone wants to get their pantries in a wad, that's their problem. Of course, the issue isn't with my dh's family of origin--that would make things harder, especially if he's not 100% with you on it.

 

In your situation, if it's something where you're not in control (dinner at their place rather than yours, for example), plan ahead knowing how things will probably happen. Eat early or bring munchies for the kids/yourself. If you need to leave at a certain time, do it without feeling bad, even if someone else just arrived (or hasn't arrived yet). If someone complains, maybe gently point out that the event was supposed to start at X:00--if they'd been here earlier, your family could have spent more time with them. Bummer.

 

Always have a contingency plan and be willing to go your own way with your family if necessary to avoid getting stuck in the lateness/indecisiveness quagmire. Who knows--maybe they'll follow your lead!

[beaners]

I hope the drive goes okay! That's a tough one to make without much sleep. If there was a scoreboard for life, putting up with in-laws would rack up points pretty quickly.

[cjzimmer1]

I come from a family where relatives are always late. But I grew up with that expectation so it never bothered me. For a family party a start time simply meant, "please don't arrive before this time unless you are planning on helping clean or set up". An end time simply meant, "I might want to go to bed at this time but you are welcome to stay later and hang out with other relatives". I always tell me husband when it comes to family events, they start when we get there and they end when we leave and the time on the clock is completely unimportant. However, I'm always on time for doctor's appointments etc so I'm not a tardy person, I just flex to the family dynamics.

 

My husband doesn't understand this logic at all. His family complained when we arrived for a family party at 10:05 (We had a under 2 weeks newborn, I had a c-section and it was heavily snowing outside) for a party that started at 10:00. That drove me nuts because they didn't care at all about "us" arriving safely as they did about the time on the clock.

 

So I know you want JAWM, but I thought I'd post it anyways. You really aren't going to change them but maybe if you can change you expectations when dealing with them it will help reduce your stress levels. And if I were you I certainly wouldn't plan to arrive "on time" for events involving his family.

[QueenCat]

That kind of lateness is rude and would drive me crazy. A few minutes late, fine..... I never got people using their children as an excuse for regular, super lateness. For me, when the kids were little, it meant getting ready to leave started earlier so we would be there on time. Still managed to do that, even with a child with reflux, who puked as soon as we were all ready to go on a rather frequent basis.

[saraha]

I come from a family where relatives are always late. But I grew up with that expectation so it never bothered me. For a family party a start time simply meant, "please don't arrive before this time unless you are planning on helping clean or set up". An end time simply meant, "I might want to go to bed at this time but you are welcome to stay later and hang out with other relatives". I always tell me husband when it comes to family events, they start when we get there and they end when we leave and the time on the clock is completely unimportant. However, I'm always on time for doctor's appointments etc so I'm not a tardy person, I just flex to the family dynamics.

 

My husband doesn't understand this logic at all. His family complained when we arrived for a family party at 10:05 (We had a under 2 weeks newborn, I had a c-section and it was heavily snowing outside) for a party that started at 10:00. That drove me nuts because they didn't care at all about "us" arriving safely as they did about the time on the clock.

 

So I know you want JAWM, but I thought I'd post it anyways. You really aren't going to change them but maybe if you can change you expectations when dealing with them it will help reduce your stress levels. And if I were you I certainly wouldn't plan to arrive "on time" for events involving his family.

 

Thanks for posting this. I am slightly more calm this morning.:tongue_smilie:

In case anyone is wondering,I got a text this morning that they rolled into NJ at 5:30, ate some oatmeal, picked up cousin and got back on the road. I guess cousin is driving right now since he is the only one that has slept since 5:00am YESTERDAY. They had a 12 hour drive and have to check in to their campsite no later than 8:30, so they are rolling on.:tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie:

[HomeschoolMamaOfTwo]

I feel you! Being late all the time drives me nuts! On Tuesday, I had a friend who was supposed to be meeting my to purchase something pretty large from me. We agreed on a time and I told her I really needed to stick to it because I had to be somewhere else at another time. She is always late, so I should have known better. I texted her when I got to the place for us to meet, and it was about 5 minutes after the designated time by the time I texted her and she hadn't left yet! She said she was running a bit behind. 53 minutes later she showed up. I was so irritated, but she is such a sweet person that it was hard to be mad. It was really a pain trying to entertain the kids for almost an hour while we waited, though.

[Catwoman]

Thanks for posting this. I am slightly more calm this morning.:tongue_smilie:

In case anyone is wondering,I got a text this morning that they rolled into NJ at 5:30, ate some oatmeal, picked up cousin and got back on the road. I guess cousin is driving right now since he is the only one that has slept since 5:00am YESTERDAY. They had a 12 hour drive and have to check in to their campsite no later than 8:30, so they are rolling on.:tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie:

 

I hope they have a safe trip, and that your dh is able to get some sleep while his cousin is driving. It sounds like he really needs the rest, and if he can sleep, the trip will feel a lot shorter, too. :001_smile:

[saraha]

Thanks. I am the worst wife ever. In his haste yesterday, he left his phone charger, so we are not calling much, but he did call to check in when they stopped at Walmart. I have been so worried that when I finally got to talk to him after all the kids did, I was just crabby and naggy about the driving, unsafe etc. I feel terrible. I did call him back and leave a voice mail saying that I didn't mean to be so nasty, I am just worried sick, and that I love him and be careful, yada yada. I really am happy for him to go on this trip, really, he needed some time away from us doing manly things, but I am so unhappy with how incredibly irresponsible they are being. They aren't kids anymore, they are middle aged men! I keep waiting to hear that there has been some horrific accident where they have taken out an entire family and they all perished in terrible flames. I finally decided to take the kids down to the city to distract myself from this morbidity. When they finally get there tonight, I will finally be able to relax. If I weren't the only responsible adult in the house, I would so be drowning my worries in the special stash in the back of the freezer.

 

Thank you everybody for letting me throw all my worries and emotions on you!

[Catwoman]

Tell him to buy a new phone charger at a Walmart -- it never hurts to have an extra one, anyway. Depending on his phone, he might be able to borrow a charger from one of the other guys, so it would be worth trying that before buying a new one.

 

I'm sure he knows you're worried about him, so don't worry about being crabby -- and I'm also sure he will be just fine. I'm a worrier, too, but in this case, there are enough people to split up the driving if someone gets too tired, so I think all will be well.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Bluegoat]

I agree with the poster who said that the best idea is to just kind of accept the family time-table.

 

Timing is really relative, it's cultural more than objective. Most North Americans come from an "on-time" sort of culture. You show up a bit early for work or a dentist appointment, a few minutes late for an adult party (here typically 20 min).

 

But in a lot of places the timings are totally different - people conventionally arrive hours after events are schedualed to start, even appointments and interviews. It sounds like your husband's family is like that, so while frustrating (I am an on time person myself) I wouldn't take it personally at all. They are just like a family that things burning hot curries are great and everyone can eat them.

 

It is very hard to change people's sense of timing, and since I doubt you could manage to change the whole family's sense, I'd just try to adapt.

 

I don't mean things like surreptitiously inviting them for three instead of four, which will not work once they figure it out and they might feel it was rude. But, when you decide to have a party, remember that they will all be there about an hour later and plan it accordingly. So, maybe plan the party for three, and be ready for three, and sit back and relax until they arrive and you can all eat on time with no stress. And tell your kids not to expect people to file in right at the "start" time so they won't be disappointed.

 

And by the same token, when you go to their events, don't feel you have to arrive on the dot. Take a more leisurely approach to arriving. Drink a martini and listen to some music once you are dressed, and let the kids get ready without rushing them along (too much).

 

Speaking of different timings, I knew a fellow living in Africa who arrived at a wedding a day late, only to find that he was still too early! So your relatives aren't as bad as they could be!