Just feeling lonely, I guess... help me understand this social situation

[Janie Grace]

One of my kids is in private school for the first time. We are sort of new to town (going on two years here, actually, but it's a town where that still "new to town"!). Homeschooling my other kids and mothering my preschooler, I'm feeling sort of isolated. Today was moms-go-to-school day. I was excited to connect with some other moms. I guess I thought maybe it would be a chance to meet potential friends.

 

I feel discouraged. The "big things" about me make me really weird in this setting (I have 5 kids, I homeschool). It seems like a lot of the moms already know each other. I felt like the new girl. No one was rude, but there wasn't great rapport with anyone. It just felt sort of fake.

 

I don't know what I'm asking. I guess I'm wondering if I've been in my homeschool cave for so long, I don't know how to make friends anymore. :( I felt like I didn't even know what to ask/say! I asked moms if they worked and where... how long their kid had been going to the school/if they enjoyed it... but it was so hard to think of how to connect with these strangers. I tried to smile and be pleasant but it was awkward. I'm younger than a LOT of them (we started having kids young)... maybe I don't seem like a peer to them. IDK. Or maybe my expectations are out of whack. It's not like friends just magically bond over the cafeteria table at their kids' school, right?

 

Sigh. Can anyone relate? Do I need to just keep being nice and hope that I'll make a friend someday? I do have friends at church... just not that "bosom friend" that I've always had in the past.

 

ETA: I think part of this is that we're on scholarship and I feel sort of like a poser. These parents are shelling out BIG bucks for this school. Their lifestyles are very different from ours (this comes out even in the most casual conversations -- "oh, I homeschooled once! I was able to use the tuition money I saved to hire tutors and go to Italy when we studied Latin! It was great."). So maybe I'm going in already assuming that we couldn't be close friends due to this lifestyle/status difference. Hmmmm.

Edited September 28, 2012 by Janie Grace

[regentrude]

My kids went to school from K through 5th/6th grade, and I have never made friends with other moms just because our kids attended the same school.

I make friends when I share an interest with people - work, choir, homeschooling.... but not just because people happen to be parents of similar age children.

 

I find that friendships take a long time to develop; it has taken me two years of attending our homeschool park days every week before I felt that some other mothers were my friends, and not that we just happened to coincidentally have homeschooled kids. Hang in there.

 

I do not think one can make friends at an event like you describe - that's just fro friendly small talk.

Edited September 28, 2012 by regentrude

[QueenCat]

I find those type of activities to center around small talk... BUT after seeing people repeatedly at similar events, I often find friendships develop, getting together with people on my own, outside of the activities.

[northcoast]

:grouphug: I just wanted to say I can relate! You are not alone. We are newer (almost 2 yrs in a small town) and it has been difficult to make friends here even in the home school co-op. There are many acquaintances but no "bosom" friend yet.

 

Meanwhile, I've figured I need to be more proactive to invite people into my home which is hard to do when one is more of an introvert. And, I'm resting in God's goodness that He'll provide that close friend some day.

[Cassy]

I can relate too. We moved a lot at the time my eldest two started school, they went through 4 four schools in as many years, and I was always 'the new girl'. What I found was that I had to consistently make an effort to talk to the other mums when dropping off and picking up, even though it felt forced and strange. Over time a 'rapport' developed, even with women I wouldn't normally have chosen as friends. Each time, after a year or so, at about the time when we were about to move on, I realised that I'd finally been 'accepted' and had friends. We've lived in our current town for over six years now, but I don't think I felt truly accepted here for the first two years or so. Friendships just take time.

 

I doubt that your age has anything to do with it. I'm an 'older' mother and I've always had lovely friends who were quite a bit younger than me.

 

Don't give up. Keep smiling, keep chatting. One day, when the other mums have had time to get to know you, you'll find you have lots of friends.

 

:grouphug:

[blakereese]

My kids went to school from K through 5th/6th grade, and I have never made friends with other moms just because our kids attended the same school.

I make friends when I share an interest with people - work, choir, homeschooling.... but not just because people happen to be parents of similar age children.

 

I find that friendships take a long time to develop; it has taken me two years of attending our homeschool park days every week before I felt that some other mothers were my friends, and not that we just happened to coincidentally have homeschooled kids. Hang in there.

 

I do not think one can make friends at an event like you describe - that's just fro friendly small talk.

 

 

:iagree:

 

When my son was in school, I was always sort of the odd man out. I just felt so different than most of the moms there, and it mostly did boil down to interests.

 

Now that we homeschool, I am REALLY the odd man out. My kids do many activities with the ps kids (soccer, girl scouts, etc) and I usually chat with the moms. We will seem to be having a good conversation and then as soon as they find out we homeschool the wall goes up. And several of our "friends" stopped hanging with us after I pulled my son out of school. A few of them really were upset about the hs thing (how it affected THEM I will never know :confused:) and others made it less obvious, but it was the same.

 

I try to connect with moms at hs activities but we really do not do too many of those types of things. And usually just having homeschooling in common has not been enough to start a true friendship.

 

Can you get out occasionally to do something that you enjoy? Book club? Go to the gym ( I met many friends there )? Knitting group or other such thing (our library has a lot of different groups that meet)? Community rec thing? I'm just throwing out some ideas, but take one of your interests and try to get out and do it. Maybe you will meet some friends that way, and even if you don't it is so nice to do something for yourself once and awhile.

 

Sorry mama. I totally understand where you are coming from, it is hard. :grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

One of my kids is in private school for the first time. We are sort of new to town (going on two years here, actually, but it's a town where that still "new to town"!). Homeschooling my other kids and mothering my preschooler, I'm feeling sort of isolated. Today was moms-go-to-school day. I was excited to connect with some other moms. I guess I thought maybe it would be a chance to meet potential friends.

 

I feel discouraged. The "big things" about me make me really weird in this setting (I have 5 kids, I homeschool). It seems like a lot of the moms already know each other. I felt like the new girl. No one was rude, but there wasn't great rapport with anyone. It just felt sort of fake.

 

I don't know what I'm asking. I guess I'm wondering if I've been in my homeschool cave for so long, I don't know how to make friends anymore. :( I felt like I didn't even know what to ask/say! I asked moms if they worked and where... how long their kid had been going to the school/if they enjoyed it... but it was so hard to think of how to connect with these strangers. I tried to smile and be pleasant but it was awkward. I'm younger than a LOT of them (we started having kids young)... maybe I don't seem like a peer to them. IDK. Or maybe my expectations are out of whack. It's not like friends just magically bond over the cafeteria table at their kids' school, right?

 

Sigh. Can anyone relate? Do I need to just keep being nice and hope that I'll make a friend someday? I do have friends at church... just not that "bosom friend" that I've always had in the past.

 

ETA: I think part of this is that we're on scholarship and I feel sort of like a poser. These parents are shelling out BIG bucks for this school. Their lifestyles are very different from ours (this comes out even in the most casual conversations -- "oh, I homeschooled once! I was able to use the tuition money I saved to hire tutors and go to Italy when we studied Latin! It was great."). So maybe I'm going in already assuming that we couldn't be close friends due to this lifestyle/status difference. Hmmmm.

 

I can completely relate. And I completely understood your description. I don't have much advice, but I've BTDT multiple times. It's hard sometimes. :grouphug:

[Sneezyone]

I'm also a new mom, well, actually a new/old mom at a swanky private school (for this area). We were at the school for two years before moving out of state and now we're back. It's taking a while for me to rekindle old aquaintances. Part of that is my personality. I'm not super social. I do know one or two chatterboxes among the moms so I gravitate to them. They're great at one-sided conversation and are genuinely funny too. :lol:

 

Also there are usually a lot more people on scholarships than you might think and some of the wealthiest among the families are the nicest people you ever want to meet, totally down to earth and humble. You can't always judge the family by the car. My renters, for example, have two luxury sedans (and are always late on their rent...grr...). I drive a 7-year old Dodge. My experience is that the newer the money, the more conspicuous the consumption (and name dropping). It's a sign of insecurity. Same with the hair swishing and over-tanning. Blech.

 

Hang in there...after a while, you'll get the lay of the land and find people who don't take themselves too seriously. They're there. They may be just a lot better at blending due to years of practice. :D

[Janie Grace]

Thanks, everyone. Such good reminders here that it just takes time... to keep going to events, being nice and eventually (hopefully!) I'll have friends. We haven't moved very much and I guess the other times I've had to start over, I've been in an easier season of life for doing that (freshman year of college, newlyweds, etc). Everyone now just seems really settled and busy.

 

So, if you meet someone you click with, then what? There was one school mom I bumped into at a bookstore and we had a great talk. Now we see each other in passing and I think there is a mutual desire to connect but not much context in which to do so. Do I see if she wants to have coffee or just try to talk to her at these school events? Don't want to scare her off. Gosh, I sound like I'm trying to break into the dating scene or something. :lol: I guess I just don't know what's "done" to build friendships as adults.

 

I'm glad to know others can relate. Helps to not feel so very much alone.

[Sneezyone]

I'd definitely do the coffee date, maybe just after am carpool meet up at a local brunch place. I try to avoid dates with kids present because I've noticed that I click with moms that have kids DD is not close to and vice versa. DD is good friends with one of three triplets.

[Janie Grace]

My experience is that the newer the money, the more conspicuous the consumption (and name dropping). It's a sign of insecurity. Same with the hair swishing and over-tanning. Blech.

 

 

Haha! I saw quite a bit of that today. But I also saw women who seemed down-to-earth and nice. I'm going to persist and try not to "disqualify" myself based on age or lack of wealth. Thanks.

[Laura Corin]

I found this hard. At the boys' private school (which they joined when other children had already been in the class for many years) there were friend groups already in place. As we came in late, this seems inevitable, so I didn't feel that it was aimed specifically at me. There were also 'Ladies who lunch', who had lots of money and lots of leisure (and lots of land, ponies, 4x4s....). They were friendly enough, but we live in different worlds and had little in common.

 

I tried not to talk too much about home education - not because I'm ashamed of it (I'm actually proud of what I achieved) but because it was not something that I could share with others. Instead I talked about common-ground things: school, homework, activities, weather, traffic, local politics....

 

Really, it was Hobbes who found friends for me. The children that he was drawn to tended to have parents who were willing to be friendly too. He seeks out the quirky kids who like to talk and read. And their parents tend to like those things too.

 

Good luck

 

Laura

[MrsBasil]

Thanks, everyone. Such good reminders here that it just takes time... to keep going to events, being nice and eventually (hopefully!) I'll have friends. We haven't moved very much and I guess the other times I've had to start over, I've been in an easier season of life for doing that (freshman year of college, newlyweds, etc). Everyone now just seems really settled and busy.

 

So, if you meet someone you click with, then what? There was one school mom I bumped into at a bookstore and we had a great talk. Now we see each other in passing and I think there is a mutual desire to connect but not much context in which to do so. Do I see if she wants to have coffee or just try to talk to her at these school events? Don't want to scare her off. Gosh, I sound like I'm trying to break into the dating scene or something. :lol: I guess I just don't know what's "done" to build friendships as adults.

 

I'm glad to know others can relate. Helps to not feel so very much alone.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Does the bookstore have a coffee bar or something? You could just chat the next couple times you see her and then say, "Hey, I really enjoyed bumping into you at the bookstore. It was nice to have adult conversation for once! Would you like to meet there sometime for a chat and a quick cup of coffee?"

 

If she says yes, get her number and call her. I meet other moms at MOPs and if I hit it off with someone after a couple of talks I just say, "Hey, I would love to have you over/meet at the park/fill in the blank"

 

The interested ones get out their phones and you exchange numbers. The uninterested ones just say, "Oh yeah, maybe sometime."

[tex-mex]

I can completely relate. And I completely understood your description. I don't have much advice, but I've BTDT multiple times. It's hard sometimes. :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

BTDT with having ds attend a swanky private school. We were both working 2 jobs (my paycheck went to ds' tuition) and there were many moms who did not work and a la Real Housewives... lived to shop and dressed expensively. I just was friendly. Ignored the shallow ones who could not relate to my experiences (former schoolteacher) and volunteered. Eventually, I made a few close friends and loved them dearly. They did not judge me on our low income and I did not judge them on their mansions. When ds fell into a coma, these parents went out to help us with paying bills (ds' hospital stay was extensive), support, prayer, and one family footed the bill ($3500) to ds to get a Pediatric Neurologist examination to qualify him for an IEP in the public schools and a homebound tutor. They even demanded the private school keep him in the next year's grade level... but that fell on deaf ears with the administration. Later, we kept in touch with them and they cheered us on with our decision to homeschool.

[Guest]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Does the bookstore have a coffee bar or something? You could just chat the next couple times you see her and then say, "Hey, I really enjoyed bumping into you at the bookstore. It was nice to have adult conversation for once! Would you like to meet there sometime for a chat and a quick cup of coffee?"

 

If she says yes, get her number and call her. I meet other moms at MOPs and if I hit it off with someone after a couple of talks I just say, "Hey, I would love to have you over/meet at the park/fill in the blank"

 

The interested ones get out their phones and you exchange numbers. The uninterested ones just say, "Oh yeah, maybe sometime."

 

:iagree: I also wanted to say I understand the "feeling like a poser" element. My dd is in a private school, though not on scholarship, but some of the other folks there are uber wealthy. I went to a meeting once about a trip opportunity to go to France with the French class. There were two parents there who were very, "Oh, we'll be bringing our five, plus Grandma. Would it be possible to add on a stopover in London? We've always wanted to do that." I felt like a total idiot, sitting there wondering how I might possibly pay for dd and myself to go while some others were totally unfazed by the price. I don't hold it against them; if that's their reality, bully for them, but it did make me think these people will not be my mom-buddies. We are too far apart in lifestyle. :grouphug:

[tex-mex]

So, if you meet someone you click with, then what? There was one school mom I bumped into at a bookstore and we had a great talk. Now we see each other in passing and I think there is a mutual desire to connect but not much context in which to do so. Do I see if she wants to have coffee or just try to talk to her at these school events? Don't want to scare her off. Gosh, I sound like I'm trying to break into the dating scene or something. :lol: I guess I just don't know what's "done" to build friendships as adults.

 

I'm glad to know others can relate. Helps to not feel so very much alone.

When ds was that age in private school, we often would schedule a playdate. We moms could talk over coffee as the kiddos played. Many of us were invited to the same parties and bumped into each other. I often volunteered at the private school and got to know those parents who volunteered. If you volunteer for the annual Silent Auction, you do get to meet parents who are amazing with dedication to the school. It just takes time, basically. I would not try to force it.

[Janie Grace]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Does the bookstore have a coffee bar or something? You could just chat the next couple times you see her and then say, "Hey, I really enjoyed bumping into you at the bookstore. It was nice to have adult conversation for once! Would you like to meet there sometime for a chat and a quick cup of coffee?"

 

If she says yes, get her number and call her. I meet other moms at MOPs and if I hit it off with someone after a couple of talks I just say, "Hey, I would love to have you over/meet at the park/fill in the blank"

 

The interested ones get out their phones and you exchange numbers. The uninterested ones just say, "Oh yeah, maybe sometime."

 

Shop doesn't have a coffee bar and it was kind of a fluke that we were both there. But I can follow your advice in terms of how to initiate getting together... I like the idea of throwing out an open-ended suggestion and then seeing if she responds with exchanging #s.

[amyrobynne]

I can relate. My husband teaches at a fancy private school and my boys were there on scholarship until this year. My oldest was there for 4 years and there was only one woman I was close enough to to friend on FB. The year each of them was in pre-k, there was a fair amount of time spend chatting while we waited to pick the kids up and I never felt like I was part of the club. There were a fair number of teachers' kids, although some of those had second parents with swanky jobs and fit in fine. It wasn't the biggest reason we decided to homeschool, but it was a small factor. I am much more comfortable with the homeschool co-ops I'm part of now.

 

I agree with earlier posters that there were a few wonderful women there. I remember one day that I'd found out my 2 year old was going to need major dental surgery and my grandma was very sick and I came to pre-k pick up with bloodshot teary eyes and one mom went out of her way to see if I was okay and checked on me later. She always had something caring to say. I didn't feel like we had much in common but I knew she cared about how others were doing.

[Garga]

Friendships take a long time to develop, and I agree with a PP, the best friendships are ones where you share a common interest/hobby and not just because your kids are the same age.

 

So, if you don't belong to a group with common interests, then you'll have to know that it'll take time for friendships to develop.

 

After meeting the moms a few times, you can try inviting a mom and her child to visit you and your child and see something blossoms? But it's hard to do that.

:grouphug:

[Trish]

One of my kids is in private school for the first time. We are sort of new to town (going on two years here, actually, but it's a town where that still "new to town"!). Homeschooling my other kids and mothering my preschooler, I'm feeling sort of isolated. Today was moms-go-to-school day. I was excited to connect with some other moms. I guess I thought maybe it would be a chance to meet potential friends.

 

I feel discouraged. The "big things" about me make me really weird in this setting (I have 5 kids, I homeschool). It seems like a lot of the moms already know each other. I felt like the new girl. No one was rude, but there wasn't great rapport with anyone. It just felt sort of fake.

 

I don't know what I'm asking. I guess I'm wondering if I've been in my homeschool cave for so long, I don't know how to make friends anymore. :( I felt like I didn't even know what to ask/say! I asked moms if they worked and where... how long their kid had been going to the school/if they enjoyed it... but it was so hard to think of how to connect with these strangers. I tried to smile and be pleasant but it was awkward. I'm younger than a LOT of them (we started having kids young)... maybe I don't seem like a peer to them. IDK. Or maybe my expectations are out of whack. It's not like friends just magically bond over the cafeteria table at their kids' school, right?

 

Sigh. Can anyone relate? Do I need to just keep being nice and hope that I'll make a friend someday? I do have friends at church... just not that "bosom friend" that I've always had in the past.

 

ETA: I think part of this is that we're on scholarship and I feel sort of like a poser. These parents are shelling out BIG bucks for this school. Their lifestyles are very different from ours (this comes out even in the most casual conversations -- "oh, I homeschooled once! I was able to use the tuition money I saved to hire tutors and go to Italy when we studied Latin! It was great."). So maybe I'm going in already assuming that we couldn't be close friends due to this lifestyle/status difference. Hmmmm.

 

The friendships are made while working together during volunteer activities at the school. (which I realize you probably don't have the time/freedom for) It would be tough to get to know someone in the setting you described.

 

:grouphug:

[happypamama]

:grouphug: mama. It does take time. I think it took a good two years of seeing the same moms at our homeschool group's events before I felt like I had friends that were more than just "Susie's Mom." But often, it starts with the kids. Maybe your child mentions Johnny a lot, so at the next event, you can find Johnny's mom and say, "Hi, you're Johnny's mom, right? I hear so much about him." Sometimes that helps break the ice a bit.

 

It is so hard, though. I'm super shy; it takes so much effort for me to go up to anyone and introduce myself. But it's been worth it.