Weird neighbor situation. What would you do?

[mom2scouts]

First some background:

I have a next door neighbor with one child, a boy in K. I have a dd in K and the two children like to play together. I posted once before that my dd was getting annoyed because the boy wants to play with her all the time. He rings our doorbell at 8:30 am on Sunday mornings sometimes and frequently interrupts our dinner with requests to play. Now that PS is in session, dd seems happy to play with him on evenings and weekends when we're home. Recently the neighbor man confided to dh and I that he and his wife were having major marital issues and were on their way to divorce, despite his efforts to save the marriage. He said he was happy his son has our dd to play with because she is a good influence on the boy. Our dd is very mature for her age, has excellent speech, and is very coordinated. His son is extremely immature and small for his age, has poor speech, and is uncoordinated but is an otherwise intelligent child.

 

Recently, the man asked what church we attend and we told him. We were happy to see them at church a few weeks later. The little boy is in dd's Sunday School class. This past weekend the wife moved out and the man has custody of the child. The boy came home from K and threw a tantrum because my dd couldn't play with him because she was on her way to dance. My dd loves dance. She's on the studio team and works very, very hard in her dance classes. The man told his son that she'd be back soon to play and I informed him that my dd had 3 dance classes in a row and probably wouldn't have any evening playtime. So...I'm sitting in the studio waiting room for the third class and the neighbor shows up to sign his son up for one of my dd's classes!:001_huh: This is a fun, but serious, dance studio! This boy doesn't have the attention span or coordination to be anything but a distraction in the class, but what do I do now? He would also be the only boy in a class full of girls who are very serious about dance. His son qualifies for the class by age, but I see this as being a huge distraction for my dd. I tried to steer the father to an all boys class that is a little more relaxed, but he seemed determined to have the boy in one of dd's class. I can't do anything to stop them from following us around and joining all the same activities, but I'm not happy about it. Don't tell me to talk to the parents about it. The mother has totally checked out of the family and the father is very needy and distracted right now by the disintegration of his family. I can be sensitive the the family's issues, but I'm not willing to do it at the expense of my young dd's passions! I'm afraid to even mention anything else she does! Should I just wait and see what happens? Is this weird? I'm not sure what to think.

[Catwoman]

Well, there's nothing you can do about the dance class thing, so I would just smile and see what happens. If it's a serious dance school, the boy will drop out after a few classes, or else he'll learn to behave. Let the dance teacher deal with the boy. He's not your responsibility.

 

If it seems like the father is letting the kid show up at your house to play with your dd at odd hours, politely tell him that your dd isn't allowed out to play early on Sunday mornings, and that it would be best if he didn't come over around dinnertime. The father is probably a nice guy, but doesn't understand neighborhood protocol yet.

Edited September 25, 2012 by Catwoman

[Anne in CA]

Wow, just Wow! I don't see how you can do anything other than sit back and see what happens. IME in the middle of a divorce and for a few years after dad's tend to try to give the kids what ever they want, but I have never seen a dad give a kid a friend as a security blanket. My dh felt so bad about his divorce that he gave my step dd anything she wanted for many years, but my dd never wanted to be with another kid this much. She wanted stuff like candy, or to skip eating her veggies, lol. I do think that if my dd had decided she wanted to be around someone else that much that my dh might have enrolled her in dance classes to be with them.

 

These are hurting people so I would be extremely careful not to make this situation worse. Are there other people in your church who can pick up the ball and help take this man and his son under their wing to give your family a break? My best suggestion is to get help from people at your church. Other than that hold on for the ride:001_huh: You have all my sympathy.

[In the Rain]

If it's a serious dance school, the boy will drop out after a few classes, or else he'll learn to behave. Let the dance teacher deal with the boy. He's not your responsibility.

 

If it seems like the father is letting the kid show up at your house to play with your dd at odd hours, politely tell him that your dd isn't allowed out to play early on Sunday mornings, and that it would be best if he didn't come over around dinnertime. The father is probably a nice guy, but doesn't understand neighborhood protocol yet.

 

:iagree: You might mention to the dance teacher that your neighbor is joining the class, and that you want dd placed apart from him in the room. If she knows they might be a distraction to each other, she can nip it in the bud.

[Lara in Colo]

:iagree: You might mention to the dance teacher that your neighbor is joining the class, and that you want dd placed apart from him in the room. If she knows they might be a distraction to each other, she can nip it in the bud.

 

 

This would be my advice : talk to the teacher.

 

 

I also think that by not telling the child "no" and to respect other people's feelings the father is teaching the child some very unhealthy actions : stalking among one of them.

[Murphy101]

:iagree: You might mention to the dance teacher that your neighbor is joining the class, and that you want dd placed apart from him in the room. If she knows they might be a distraction to each other, she can nip it in the bud.

 

:iagree:

 

And I'd stop letting my dd play with them outside of being polite when you encounter them at SS and dance. And yes, I'd be very selective about what I me ton to him in the future.

 

It's sounds like a lot of unhealthy drama and you don't know the whole story of what all is going on in their house.

[mom2scouts]

Yes, I think I will mention something to the dance teacher and ask that they be separated as much as possible during class.

 

I'm glad someone else mentioned stalking because that's almost how it feels.

 

I already know way, way more about what's going on in that house than I want to know and it's all pretty bad.:001_huh:

[Catwoman]

I'm glad someone else mentioned stalking because that's almost how it feels.

 

I didn't realize it was that bad. I just thought the kid was a bit of a pest, and his dad is trying to help him make friends. There is obviously a lot more to this story that I don't know! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Forget-Me-Not]

Yikes, that would freak me out too. I'd suddenly be very, very "busy" all the time. Plan errands and outings for afternoons when the boy his home and be vague about where you're going and what you're doing. I wouldn't let on to anymore extracurrics your daughter is in. Be polite but distant at church and dance, and speak to the dance teacher and make it clear that your daughter and this boy are not to be placed together. My guess is the dance thing will fizzle out quickly .

[southernm]

Yikes, that would freak me out too. I'd suddenly be very, very "busy" all the time. Plan errands and outings for afternoons when the boy his home and be vague about where you're going and what you're doing. I wouldn't let on to anymore extracurrics your daughter is in. Be polite but distant at church and dance, and speak to the dance teacher and make it clear that your daughter and this boy are not to be placed together. My guess is the dance thing will fizzle out quickly .

 

:iagree: I would start telling the boy she couldn't play because we are "busy" and leave it at that. I would talk to the dance studio too!

 

Eta: I thought stalking too. The dad's actions are super creepy.

[QuirkyKapers]

I think that is so weird that the dad showed up to sign up his son. I would not tell him about anymore of your activities. I would be very busy. Create things to do, errands to run. Next, the dad is going to ask you to take his son with you to class since you are going anyway.

[Catwoman]

Quick question -- Do you think the dad is "stalking" your family so your dd will be friends with his ds, or do you think he has a creepy predatory attraction to your dd, or could he have a crush on you and be picturing you as his future bride?

 

So many unpleasant possibilities... :ack2:

 

But from your original post, it really sounded like nothing more than a newly-single man trying to find friends for his kid. The only red flag I noticed was that he signed the boy up for an all-girls' dance class when there was a class available for boys. Many dads wouldn't be too thrilled about their ds being the only boy in a girls' dance class, so that struck me as being a bit odd.

[NorthwestMom]

 

But from your original post, it really sounded like nothing more than a newly-single man trying to find friends for his kid. The only red flag I noticed was that he signed the boy up for an all-girls' dance class when there was a class available for boys. Many dads wouldn't be too thrilled about their ds being the only boy in a girls' dance class, so that struck me as being a bit odd.

 

My gut feeling is that this is a family in chaos, a father and son in pain, and the father is probably trying to give his son what he wants - more time with your DD.

 

I would try not to worry about the dance class; if you privately ask they be separated within the class, the boy will probably not last long if dance is not his natural inclination.

 

I would talk to the powers that be at church privately and ask if they can help the family build social support that is not foundational on your family.

 

Finally, I would make sure to have firm boundaries for my family time at home, and be very clear about them. Any child who knocked on my door at 8am would be told VERY firmly not to come over before 10am EVER.

 

Good luck, OP. it sounds like a delicate situation and I wish you the best in navigating it.

 

:grouphug:

[mom2scouts]

Quick question -- Do you think the dad is "stalking" your family so your dd will be friends with his ds, or do you think he has a creepy predatory attraction to your dd, or could he have a crush on you and be picturing you as his future bride?

 

So many unpleasant possibilities... :ack2:

 

But from your original post, it really sounded like nothing more than a newly-single man trying to find friends for his kid. The only red flag I noticed was that he signed the boy up for an all-girls' dance class when there was a class available for boys. Many dads wouldn't be too thrilled about their ds being the only boy in a girls' dance class, so that struck me as being a bit odd.

 

I think the father likes that my dd keeps his kid occupied so he doesn't have to entertain him. Since my dd is gone because of her activities and therefore can't play with his son, the man decided he would just have his son do the same activities as dd. The father is pretty nerdy, so he probably doesn't think anything about his son being in the dance class. I even pointed out to him that there aren't many boys in most of the classes, but he was more interested in an activity that his son can do with my dd. Someone mentioned that he might want me to start driving his son to class and the dad did ask if parents needed to be at the studio. Fortunately for me, I can and often do leave before the boy gets off the bus so we don't have to rush to get ready at the studio. I'll make sure to be gone from now on!

[Catwoman]

I think the father likes that my dd keeps his kid occupied so he doesn't have to entertain him. Since my dd is gone because of her activities and therefore can't play with his son, the man decided he would just have his son do the same activities as dd. The father is pretty nerdy, so he probably doesn't think anything about his son being in the dance class. I even pointed out to him that there aren't many boys in most of the classes, but he was more interested in an activity that his son can do with my dd. Someone mentioned that he might want me to start driving his son to class and the dad did ask if parents needed to be at the studio. Fortunately for me, I can and often do leave before the boy gets off the bus so we don't have to rush to get ready at the studio. I'll make sure to be gone from now on!

 

That's what I thought you meant, but after reading some of the responses, I started wondering if I might be missing something sinister here.

 

I think it's good that you leave for the dance studio before the boy gets off the bus, because you definitely don't want to become the designated driver for the kid. If the dad ever approaches you about it, just say you often have things to do after dance class and you can't commit to driving.

 

It's a shame that the father is in a tough spot, but it's not like he's a close friend of your family, so I don't think it's a great idea to become too friendly right now, when he appears to be very needy, because he might very well start taking advantage of you if you do him any favors. It's not a big stretch from driving his kid to dance class or letting him play at your house all the time, to being asked to babysit on the weekends so the dad can go out trolling for Wife #2.

 

I know I sound mean, but I have known a few divorced fathers who seemed to make it their mission in life to pawn off their kids on other people.

[Starr]

This isn't the first time a child and parent wanted to do everything another child did. It seems stressful for you and dd but not really stalking in a dangerous way. They just need some help with boundaries. lol The dance teacher will sort out the class and you can set your own schedule as to when dd can or cannot play. It's time for the WTM red light - green light on the door. I wouldn't worry if he has fits. Those are dads problem. Good luck, it sounds like a real pain.

[Shellers]

This sounds like a Lifetime movie ...

 

I think it's very creepy.

[airforcefamily]

It sounds like he's fumbling his way through being a single parent. Unless it feels creepy to you I would cut him some slack. Definitely talk to the dance teacher to get that sorted out, I doubt he'll last long in the class. Something we've had to do with 'pesky' neighborhood kids is to make play appointments. When they finish playing tell the kid (if you think that's enough) and/or the dad how much fun everyone had and how very busy you are. If your daughter plays outside a lot say that she sometimes likes playing by herself. Say whatever you have to say to get the point across that your daughter shouldn't be used as another child's constant companion. Give a specific day and time and mention how you like to sleep in on the weekends so there will be no playing before noon or whatever time. Hopefully they'll get the message. Our neighbor kids didn't, we finally had to talk to their parents. I couldn't even open the garage without finding those kids rummaging through things ten minutes later, they just didn't seem to grasp why other kids aren't ready to play at 7am and needed to have their parents remind them. There were times I had to get out of bed and walk the kids back home to remind their parents that my family sleeps late on the weekends but it paid off with no more early morning wake ups.

[Ruby Rose]

I'd be leery of becoming surrogate Mommy. I agree with others, separate them at dance and ask for others to step in and help them. Perhaps there are other single dads with boys that could take him under their wing. You do not want to be the shoulder he cries on!

[Tidbits of Learning]

I think it is terribly strange for the Dad to give in to a tantrum and drive to the dance studio to sign his child up that same day. A child without boundaries can be a lot more than irritating. I agree with the pp that less is more and not to try to calm the boy or to let him know you will be gone for longer than he thinks or such. Every answer from here on out when I left would be...We are going to run some errands...We are not sure how long we will be out....

Does your dd know about the dance yet? It sounds in your original post that your dd may be relieved to get a breather from this child during the school year. How does she feel about him joining the dance class?

I feel for the family's pain, but I agree that this could become an issue for you. It is fine for kids to want to do everything together, but when that feeling isn't reciprocated by one of the children...it is an awkward position for a small person to be in without the life skills and experience to deal with it. You are going to wind up being the buffer to keep this from effecting your dd's enjoyment of the dance class. That will get draining for you over time.

I do think it is stalking. I do think you will get asked to help his son at dance class or to look after his son whether or not you are gone when the bus gets there or not. I would check and make sure he hasn't put you down as emergency contact. That happened to me with a particular family without my knowledge.

I don't think this boy will give up on dance as it gives him more time with your dd. My husband would also be a bit peeved at this point if a man was following our family to everything and joining it (be it as a family or his son joining every thing our dd does).

I had one friend that wanted to join things and then ask me to take her son to it all. I started having my dh take my dd's and when she would ask for my help after that I would say dh is taking them. She was not inclined to ask the same things of my dh that she was more than willing to encroach upon me for help with her son. You may have to see if your dh can swing some of the time at the dance studio or such. I doubt the father would be inclined to encroach upon your husband's generosity as much.

In our situation, we had to change our activities and become very busy. DH had to start answering the phone. DH had to take the girls to activities for a while. We were lucky that the child did not live in our neighborhood.

The real reason it went away was that I had to go home (3 states away) for a family emergency for 3 months. When we were gone, they seemed to find other activities and the child quit stalking my child. I do think it was stalking and it had escalated over 2 years from them being 9 and 10 year olds (the boy was older) to 11 and 12 year olds and there was a whole new can of worms with the boy having such an attachment to my dd.

Honestly, if it were me...I would be looking for a different class time and switch classes or I would start shopping for a new dance studio. I can't see it going away otherwise and I have been there done that with a Mom that did the same thing with her son and my dd. I can't imagine trying to talk it out with the Dad in the same situation.

I would definitely be changing dance class times and not give a reason and tell the dance studio not to give my information or dd's information out. If a class time change couldn't happen, I would change studios. This family needs more counseling and therapy than a friendship with your dd can provide and I know that dealing with this every dance class will start to put strain on you.