WWYD

[mirth]

My first thought was no. It wasn't even a my house my rules sort of pulpit pounding thing. Sort of like if someone wanted to play clarinet in the nude at my house while they were here. Uh, no.

[Denisemomof4]

We do have two sofas. Generally, my daughter likes to sleep in the living room with her auntie, but we could rearrange to have sis and her SO sleep on the sofas.

This becomes less of an issue if my husband is out of town. My sister would sleep with me (like she usually does) and boyfriend can take the couch.

 

I'm still reading but your sister's boyfriend could take dd's room and dd could take the couch with auntie. Whether or not anyone agrees with your opinion on things, everyone SHOULD understand that where impressionable children are involved, that has to be respected.

 

You and your sister sound like you are very close. I think you need to warmly welcome her and her bf but still let her know you really want to set limits, especially where your dd adores auntie so.

[marbel]

Ask them to room separately while at your home.

 

:iagree: Completely reasonable to apply your standards in your home.

 

Before I was married, my fiance (now my husband) and I visited his family and some friends of family. At every house we stayed, we were given separate rooms - no one asked our preference, we were just showed where to sleep. Not that it matters, but we were in our 30s at the time, and there weren't any impressionable kids around. But we were given separate rooms, and we stayed in them.

 

If you sister doesn't like it, you can let her know where the closest motel is.

[Denisemomof4]

No clue how serious the relationship is - they've only been seeing eachother a month or so.

 

Really? I'm surprised you're even asking. If you are raising kids with a conservative view, where you believe in marriage first, etc. I don't think a sister dating ONE MONTH, a sister with a bad track record, should expect to share a bed in a relative's home with children present. IMO she shouldn't even consider that an option.

 

One month is the deal breaker for me. What is the acceptable time? I don't know.

[Denisemomof4]

I haven't read most of the other posts, but you said your sister has bad judgement when it comes to men and you're going to let a man you've never met before, with her choosing track record, stay overnight in the same house as your young daughter? That's a "no" for me. No offense to your sister, but you used the word "abuse" when you described her other boyfriends. Now she may have finally found a nice guy, but I wouldn't take the chance. Maybe nothing would happen, maybe something horrible could happen. I personally wouldn't take the risk. He can stay at a hotel or sleep in his car. Period.

 

Do you feel it was worth it?

 

Tara

 

 

Oy. I have honestly gone back qand forth on this issue with both gay and straight friends. To date I have never had to voice an opinion or conditions yet due to travelling with significant other never having panned out.

 

I will say that it would be a non-issue for me now, but someone my sister barely knows? No, only because of my own baggage with nice people in my home who turned out to be dangerous.

[AimeeM]

Really? I'm surprised you're even asking. If you are raising kids with a conservative view, where you believe in marriage first, etc. I don't think a sister dating ONE MONTH, a sister with a bad track record, should expect to share a bed in a relative's home with children present. IMO she shouldn't even consider that an option.

 

One month is the deal breaker for me. What is the acceptable time? I don't know.

Frankly, I'm only asking because I'm a bit thrown myself. I shouldn't have even posted. She told me the other day she was coming for a visit - I was thrilled!!! Then she texts me and asks if it's okay that she brings her boyfriend. I haven't responded. She's never brought a boyfriend before. Given, I've done some digging (between family members and facebook) and he actually seems a significant step up from the others - he has his own place, a career (dance instructor), income, looks sober in his pics. Lol.

I'm just a bit thrown, as I said. She's never brought "company" with her before.

[besroma]

:grouphug: I'd speak to my sister ahead of time and express my concerns and my wishes for my home. Then, I'd put dd/ds on a pallet in the floor in my room, sister in dd's bed and bf on the couch. You have no control over whether they abide by your wishes or not, but at least dd is in your room and you have control over the person you *should* have control over.

 

:iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

Frankly, I'm only asking because I'm a bit thrown myself. I shouldn't have even posted. She told me the other day she was coming for a visit - I was thrilled!!! Then she texts me and asks if it's okay that she brings her boyfriend. I haven't responded. She's never brought a boyfriend before. Given, I've done some digging (between family members and facebook) and he actually seems a significant step up from the others - he has his own place, a career (dance instructor), income, looks sober in his pics. Lol.

I'm just a bit thrown, as I said. She's never brought "company" with her before.

 

Ah! I can appreciate that this is ........... I don't know, uncomfortable? I still think a warm welcome is warranted, but I think that separate sleeping conditions, which you would prefer, should be expected after only one month. It can all work out wonderfully with her bf taking dd's room and dd camping out with auntie.

 

I hope you don't feel bad about askng for opinions here. Remember, opinions are like @ssholes.;). Everyone has one.

[Sahamamama]

My 11 year old daughter

 

No, and that's your reason.

[AimeeM]

Ah! I can appreciate that this is ........... I don't know, uncomfortable? I still think a warm welcome is warranted, but I think that separate sleeping conditions, which you would prefer, should be expected after only one month. It can all work out wonderfully with her bf taking dd's room and dd camping out with auntie.

 

I hope you don't feel bad about askng for opinions here. Remember, opinions are like @ssholes.;). Everyone has one.

You are all always very kind. I'll claim sleep deprivations as my reason for not using more discretion before posting.

I suddenly feel the need to lay down the rules with her ahead of time - no tongue kissing, no heavy drinking, etc - the things she does with her college mates, but we've never had to worry about when she visits here because she comes solo.

 

ETA: That last line was meant to be playful - she would never make out in front of the children. Lol.

Edited August 29, 2012 by AimeeM

[mom2one]

Sticky situation, for sure. I'm pretty much inclined to go with the my house, my rules way of thinking. You can't control what the whole world does, but you can control what goes on in your home in front of your children. Surely your sister will understand, and if she doesn't and chooses not to visit you because of this, then really, she needs to grow up, and that's her problem, not yours.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Do you feel it was worth it?

 

Tara

 

I regret how it affected us, but I would make the same decision again. I believe it was the right choice I had to make for my kids. She took it more personally, as a rejection, which it was not.

[LisaBoo]

:iagree: Great advice.

Ask them to room separately while at your home.

[Jennifer3141]

Maybe you can have the kids camp out in your room for a couple of days. It would give the illusion of one of the couple sleeping on the sofa, and one sleeping in a kid bed. This way, you would not have to worry about him. Your kids would be with you.

 

I just hate to see families argue and be divided forever. If she is OK with the hotel, or sleeping apart, and it won't damage your relationship, fine. Check with her. Ask her.

 

My sisters are part of my life blood. I never want them to be angry (for too long lol), or cut me out of their lives. Nobody quite knows me as well as my sisters do. We've had arguments (big ones), in the past, but we always kiss and make-up, and I am grateful! I lurve my sisters.

 

This would not be my hill to die on, especially since the children can be protected.

 

 

I don't have any sisters but this is my feeling. A strange man in my house means my kids would be sleeping with me. Perhaps this is the grand love of your sister's life. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on that and let her control her own sexual destiny.

 

It's the month thing that would bother me. That's not enough time to REALLY know someone. And in my house, that would mean every child and pet camps out in my bedroom. :001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

I've never been married and see quite a difference between a boyfriend and a defacto husband. But in this case I'd be getting them a hotel room because I'd be terribly embarrassed to have the kids waking the poor chap up and it's impossible to keep them from doing so in a small house. Then I'd very emphatically state that they must be over in time for a great cook up of a breakfast.

 

Rosie

[labst60]

Similar, but somewhat different situation....

 

My brother recently moved in with his girlfriend (of 10 months). SHe seems super-sweet though I've only met her once (we live 1000 miles away). The rest of my family (parents, sister and her husband and other brother and his wife) all live near them and like her as well.

 

We'll be visiting hometown in a few months and my bro asked for the "older" girls (7 and 5) to have a sleep over at his place. Without me even saying anything, he was very sensitive to the issue and told me that he understood if I wouldn't want them to b/c he and gf weren't married. I appreciated his sensitivity -and I did discuss it with DH and we decided to let the girls go. (This hasn't happened yet, so I can't report back how it went! :-0)

 

Different from op - this is a very serious, somewhat long-term relationship. Dh and I moved in together when we got engaged - it just made financial sense - we were both on our own burning through so much money on rent/utilities/etc each month that we were able to put towards our future.

 

Maybe they (my girls) will ask questions - maybe they won't. We'll see. But ultimately, we decided that we'd rather them get to spend the time with their uncle- they only see him 1-2x per year and if the military thing he is hoping for comes through - who knows when they'll get to see him again......

[Joker]

I'm living this with my sis who lives with her bf, but she's older than me and he's a good guy. My girls know how we feel, but they also know we love their aunt. They don't seem to magically think living together before marriage is ok nor do they seem to want that for themselves. We've talked and they just see it as people being different.

 

I also am glad my family didn't feel that a month was too short a time to allow my now husband into their homes for an extended period. We travelled together, were engaged by month two, and married by month four (it's now been 14 years). Sometimes you just know.

[IsabelC]

I'd say do not feel obliged to allow stuff that makes you uncomfortable in you house.

 

As far as the rest of your sister's life goes, it's not you place to tell her what to do unless she asks. Your job is to be loving and supportive, be a good role model, give her advice if she asks for it, and be there for her if it all goes wrong like you predicted it might.

 

But in your house with your kids, she should defer to your wishes. Knowing your stance on this, she shouldn't even be asking to share a room with her boyfriend. And if he is a decent man, he will understand and respect your wishes as well.

[Mandylubug]

I would let them stay in your home. I would ask them to please be respectful in front of the children but other than that I wouldn't mind. My husbands best friend and his girl friend visited us when we lived cross country and we allowed them to stay in the same room at our house. We have had conversations with our children before about how some families don't have married parents but two adults that aren't married living together. We believe in marriage before moving in but there will always be different scenarios. Kids have to learn that people are different. They have to learn to believe what they believe is correct and why it is correct not just because mama and daddy said so...

 

It goes along with the same topics of drinking alcoholic beverages in front of them, letting them read books about sorcery, etc... I come from a conservative family and my SIL and BILs on both sides of our family can't not believe we allow our kids to watch Sponge Bob :/ Not that they have EVER watched it but because they let a group of people dictate to them what they should think about the topic... I want my children to know that the world has a multitude of unique people out there.

[Haiku]

I suddenly feel the need to lay down the rules with her ahead of time - no tongue kissing, no heavy drinking, etc - the things she does with her college mates

 

Do you think your sister is unable to differentiate between acceptable behavior with her college friends and acceptable behavior while visiting her sister's family?

 

I don't know your sister, so maybe it's a legitimate concern, but I will say that when my older sister tries to tell me how to behave, it's very demeaning. I have been married longer and have more kids than she does. I'm not some chowderhead who needs to be told what's socially acceptable.

 

Tara

[mom4him]

I don't know what the other replies were but I can share what I did with my oldest dd(in her mid to later 30s). She was living with her fiance and they wanted to come and stay over Christmas. I told her they were welcome but they would need to be sleeping in different rooms. End of subject. I really didn't have to explain why as I had raised her the same and she already new.

 

Now I also did talk to my dc and explain that just because that is how I believe doesn't mean all others are going to live that way, not even their older sister.

[labst60]

I don't know what the other replies were but I can share what I did with my oldest dd(in her mid to later 30s). She was living with her fiance and they wanted to come and stay over Christmas. I told her they were welcome but they would need to be sleeping in different rooms. End of subject. I really didn't have to explain why as I had raised her the same and she already new.

 

Now I also did talk to my dc and explain that just because that is how I believe doesn't mean all others are going to live that way, not even their older sister.

 

^ When dh and I lived together, this was the rule at my parents. Funny, that once we got married, and the younger siblings were the ones in relationships, this rule no longer applied and they were free to do whatever they want......

[mrsrevmeg]

I haven't read most of the other posts, but you said your sister has bad judgement when it comes to men and you're going to let a man you've never met before, with her choosing track record, stay overnight in the same house as your young daughter? That's a "no" for me. No offense to your sister, but you used the word "abuse" when you described her other boyfriends. Now she may have finally found a nice guy, but I wouldn't take the chance. Maybe nothing would happen, maybe something horrible could happen. I personally wouldn't take the risk. He can stay at a hotel or sleep in his car. Period.

 

I agree with this. I would not want someone in my house overnight that I did not know, especially given the sister's track record and the word "abuse".

[IsabelC]

^ When dh and I lived together, this was the rule at my parents. Funny, that once we got married, and the younger siblings were the ones in relationships, this rule no longer applied and they were free to do whatever they want......

Ah, the joys of being the oldest child. You get to soften the parents up for your siblings.

[Renee in NC]

I've never been married and see quite a difference between a boyfriend and a defacto husband. But in this case I'd be getting them a hotel room because I'd be terribly embarrassed to have the kids waking the poor chap up and it's impossible to keep them from doing so in a small house. Then I'd very emphatically state that they must be over in time for a great cook up of a breakfast.

 

Rosie

 

Rosie, you are one of the most diplomatic people I have ever known. I love to read your responses on these kind of things, because you come up with the best!

[AimeeM]

Do you think your sister is unable to differentiate between acceptable behavior with her college friends and acceptable behavior while visiting her sister's family?

 

I don't know your sister, so maybe it's a legitimate concern, but I will say that when my older sister tries to tell me how to behave, it's very demeaning. I have been married longer and have more kids than she does. I'm not some chowderhead who needs to be told what's socially acceptable.

 

Tara

I was being playful and forgot that it doesn't always translate over the internet. I am very sure she would never make out in front of my children, lol :D