Foster care practices

[Plucky]

I do respite care for foster kids and their foster families right now. They are great kids and a lot of work. I belong to a very good agency with exceptional foster families - they are sought after by families and dshs loves them, but there has been a certain trait that has concerned me. It's really a small thing.

 

Nearly all the kids that stay with me in the interim mention that they have a tv in their room. They also usually go to bed by 7 or 8 p.m. and watch tv until they fall asleep after being in day care til 6 p.m. The kids are safe and happy and feel well-loved from what I have seen so I really shouldn't nitpick, but then I will have kids that want to sleep on my couch instead of the bedroom because they are used to falling asleep to the tv.

 

I know that I have higher standards and more free time for kids than they do and good homes are desperately needed, but it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Is this common among families in general and I just don't know it?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Will the kids allow you to substitute music from a radio or a CD player for falling asleep to the t.v.?

[Ottakee]

They might do this as the kids most likely ARE used to that. Most of the foster kids we had (over 100) never had a bed time, a bedroom with a bed, etc. They just fell asleep on the couch/floor/chair whenever they were tired and yes, in front of the TV.

 

We try to use a CD player or radio/sound machine for the foster kids to get used to sleeping. It takes time and effort to get them used to sleeping in a bedroom and having a bedtime.

 

Just a side note, my friend was a foster child 40 years ago when she was 2 and about the only thing she remember about her time in that home before she was adopted was that she had a TV in her bedroom.........and that was in the early 1970s.

[Katy]

Yes, sadly, I think a lot of people do this these days. I don't think it's healthy or normal, but I do think it's common.

[Julie in Austin]

I think it is very common.

 

(And, as a respite parent, I'd be tempted to allow them to do it, although I wouldn't with longer-term foster kids, just because I wouldn't want to introduce one more kink into their lives, KWIM?)

[Plucky]

I think it is very common.

 

(And, as a respite parent, I'd be tempted to allow them to do it, although I wouldn't with longer-term foster kids, just because I wouldn't want to introduce one more kink into their lives, KWIM?)

 

This is what I do because I want them fully rested while they are here since it cuts down on behavioral issues. I'm not their main foster parent. I'm the fun house they get while on vacation. I've got it much easier than their main caretakers. :001_smile:

[Plucky]

They might do this as the kids most likely ARE used to that. Most of the foster kids we had (over 100) never had a bed time, a bedroom with a bed, etc. They just fell asleep on the couch/floor/chair whenever they were tired and yes, in front of the TV.

 

We try to use a CD player or radio/sound machine for the foster kids to get used to sleeping. It takes time and effort to get them used to sleeping in a bedroom and having a bedtime.

 

Just a side note, my friend was a foster child 40 years ago when she was 2 and about the only thing she remember about her time in that home before she was adopted was that she had a TV in her bedroom.........and that was in the early 1970s.

 

I needed this reminder. The kids I get are so good really that I forget they've been working with their own foster parents and did come from a much worse environment previously. Feeling rather dumb right now. LOL

[Chaos Coordinator]

Wait I'm confused. Are you more worried about the fact that they fall asleep with a tv on or that they are in daycare until 6 pm and then sent to bed at 7? The latter is much more concerning to me. One hour to play, eat, do homework, do chores, and develop relationship within the family structure? That seems really insufficient. Granted I dont know what time they have to get up in the morning either.

 

My kids sometimes are put to sleep on the couch snuggled with me while I watch a show or two. They were sleeping about 8:30 pm to 7-8 am but my husbands schedule changed and now he gets home around 8:30 and there is no hope if getting them to sleep immediately because the desire to build relationship overrides the need for an "early bedtime" - now they often sleep more like 10 pm to 9 am.

 

I don't think falling asleep to the tv is the problem. I have been doing that for twenty years.

[TravelingChris]

Now we aren't poor and we aren't particularly restrictive with tvs. But none of our kids got tvs in their rooms. How could we? TV cable outlets cost a lot of money. The kind of tvs you need to get nowadays cost a lot of money. SO while my kids had boom boxes and later got computers, we never got tvs. As it is, we have four tvs in this house for normally three people, though in the summer and other school breaks it is four. That said, only we get a tv in our bedroom and the girls can watch any other tv any other time they want and don't have other things to do like school or chores. THey ended up hardly watching any. We mostly have the tvs just so we can watch in different places. There are never more than two on at a time. But none in the kids' rooms. They have no need of one. IF they want to watch something, there is NEtflix available on their computers. BUt my youngest watches barely any tv at all and almost always with some other human. The girls also would much rather watch the big screen tv in the family room rather than some tiny thing we would have given them. FInally, my kid who does want music to fall asleep with uses a sound system, not a tv, and does it very quietly. SInce she is the one who likes tv the least, I couldn't even think of getting her one.

[Ottakee]

Don't feel dumb.

 

Being a foster parent is HARD work. We are currently doing respite for a 13 year old boy. These kids come with so much baggage that you need to figure out what is worth the battle and what isn't. While things might not be ideal, you are right, you need to remember where the kids came from and what changes they have had to make.

[Plucky]

Wait I'm confused. Are you more worried about the fact that they fall asleep with a tv on or that they are in daycare until 6 pm and then sent to bed at 7? The latter is much more concerning to me. One hour to play, eat, do homework, do chores, and develop relationship within the family structure? That seems really insufficient. Granted I dont know what time they have to get up in the morning either.

 

My kids sometimes are put to sleep on the couch snuggled with me while I watch a show or two. They were sleeping about 8:30 pm to 7-8 am but my husbands schedule changed and now he gets home around 8:30 and there is no hope if getting them to sleep immediately because the desire to build relationship overrides the need for an "early bedtime" - now they often sleep more like 10 pm to 9 am.

 

I don't think falling asleep to the tv is the problem. I have been doing that for twenty years.

 

Both. It isn't what I would do. The little girl I have with me right now though loves her foster family. It is a much better scenario than she used to have by 1000%. I also know if I went to full time foster care I would not do that. Oh, the families also send their own to bed at that time.

[Plucky]

Don't feel dumb.

 

Being a foster parent is HARD work. We are currently doing respite for a 13 year old boy. These kids come with so much baggage that you need to figure out what is worth the battle and what isn't. While things might not be ideal, you are right, you need to remember where the kids came from and what changes they have had to make.

 

Thank you. :grouphug:

[Plucky]

Yes, sadly, I think a lot of people do this these days. I don't think it's healthy or normal, but I do think it's common.

 

It probably is for a lot of tired overwhelmed parents.

[Plucky]

Will the kids allow you to substitute music from a radio or a CD player for falling asleep to the t.v.?

 

I don't have them long enough to make a change like that. If I went full-time I would do it.

[Denisemomof4]

I will be honest with you. None of my kids has ever had a tv in their room. A computer in the boy's rooms didn't even happen until their late teens. I have told dh that I want to put a window in a wall (enen if it is only plexiglass) and have bars or something across it so dd9 (RAD) can't acess it to break it, which she definitely will. I want a tv on the other side of the window. The reason I want to do this is because I have to be SO hypervigilant all day long that by 7:00 I want her in bed so I can live normally and freely for a few hours before I retire. Right now at 9 years of age, she surprisingly falls asleep pretty early. But I know that will change. I don't want HER to feel like this a punishment, and I openly discuss that it is not. So one day I want her to be able to watch a movie or a tv show I approve of, all rated G and wholesome ONLY, but she won't be controlling the tv and it will be turned off at a time when she needs to fall asleep. It will be outside her room and she can view it through a window. I am confident we can do this in a way to make viewing a pleasure for her and not allow her to access, or break, the tv. She would NEVER follow rules about it so this seems like a privilege which will happen in a way she can't sabotage it. I like the idea of looking forward to a little freedom, while she can enjoy looking forward to a little down time before she goes to sleep. So yes, it will be a babysitter in a sense. It sounds like your FF use it for one?

 

 

The difference with your ff is that you say the kids are in daycare all day long. Dd is at my side all day long so in that regard it is different.

 

Getting them into the habit of falling to sleep to the tv will be a lifelong issue if it isn't stopped. I know because I fight against this. My dd will only get an hour of viewing or a moviet, etc. Lights off won't be late so no falling to sleep to the tv.

Edited July 28, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[Ottakee]

Sounds like a good plan for your dd. I bet in a few years they will make TV and projectors, etc. that you could do that even easier with.

 

My ds does have a TV in his room and just got DISH cable with DVR down there BUT he is 24 and paying the bill on his own. He is mentally impaired but still an adult and as such, can have one. My girls don't have a TV in their rooms and won't for a long time, until after highschool, etc.

[Melinda in VT]

Wait I'm confused. Are you more worried about the fact that they fall asleep with a tv on or that they are in daycare until 6 pm and then sent to bed at 7? The latter is much more concerning to me. One hour to play, eat, do homework, do chores, and develop relationship within the family structure? That seems really insufficient. Granted I dont know what time they have to get up in the morning either.

 

Although I understand what you are saying, I'm guessing that the foster care system needs too many families to eliminate those with two employed parents.

 

Also, around here anyway, after-school care provides time for the kids to do their homework and play. Granted, one hour to eat dinner and bond as a family is not a lot of time. Hopefully the families make good use of their weekends.

[Denisemomof4]

Sounds like a good plan for your dd. I bet in a few years they will make TV and projectors, etc. that you could do that even easier with.

 

My ds does have a TV in his room and just got DISH cable with DVR down there BUT he is 24 and paying the bill on his own. He is mentally impaired but still an adult and as such, can have one. My girls don't have a TV in their rooms and won't for a long time, until after highschool, etc.

 

Well a projector would certainly make things less complicated!:tongue_smilie:

 

If we have any adult children in the home, they will be welcome to do as your son does, also at their own expense.

[AdventureMoms]

Well a projector would certainly make things less complicated!:tongue_smilie:

 

If we have any adult children in the home, they will be welcome to do as your son does, also at their own expense.

 

They have projectors now, but they are fairly expensive, IIRC. However it might not be so bad compared to the window setup. You'd only need a smallish box to go around it for protection and something to project onto (a white wall could work). A friend of mine had one in college over a decade ago, they must be around still.

[Denisemomof4]

They have projectors now, but they are fairly expensive, IIRC. However it might not be so bad compared to the window setup. You'd only need a smallish box to go around it for protection and something to project onto (a white wall could work). A friend of mine had one in college over a decade ago, they must be around still.

 

I do remember to older projection tv's. The systems were HUGE!

[Katy]

I do remember to older projection tv's. The systems were HUGE!

 

Those were huge, but the new ones are smaller than a regular DVD player. You mount them high on a wall or to a ceiling, and they project on the opposite wall.

 

They can be pricey... though they might be less expensive than a window setup.

[Ravin]

A projection system is comparable in cost over the lifespan of the unit to a large plasma tv. It's actually cheaper up front, but requires periodic bulb replacement.

 

As far as family routines, a lot of kids need the very regular schedule and amount of sleep described, and working people have to work what they have to work. Currently my DD has a tv in the bedroom; it was the only way to get her to sleep in there, we broke down and did it after she slept on the couch for a year, when she was 5. We've now got her down to TV off 30 min. After her 8PM tuck in time, more or less.

 

It's early, but she wakes early no matter what and her behavior suffers if we don't get her to bed early so she gets enough sleep.

[LNC]

Maybe it is the foster parent's issue, but it may also be the children's issue. Children who haven't experienced attachment may cope with fear of being alone by having constant background noise. The voices on the television may be a coping thing...

[Mergath]

I had to live in a foster home for a year as a teen because my dad was having, er, issues, and honestly, I wouldn't worry about the kids with the tvs. Where I lived, they had three of us crammed into a room in the basement the size of your average walk-in closet. We definitely did not have a tv. It sucks, but the kids in foster homes could be doing a heck of a lot worse.

[Pamela H in Texas]

It is pretty common for many/most children to have a tv in their room and often fall asleep watching it. We were in a training with one foster family a few months ago and were amazed by how they talked about how they do with the kids. It *seemed* like they kids were basically in their rooms constantly and tv was often the activity of choice. So opposite of us where the kids weren't allowed in their rooms AT ALL and I wouldn't dream of putting a tv in a child's room (rule here is you can have one you get for yourself when you graduate high school). Anyway, seemed sad they'd have the kids locked up like that. It also seems like that would invite certain types of behavioral issues (well, except our kids run all day long and still have PLENTY of behaviors; AND, because they have more interaction with one another, they act up towards/with one another more). However, I don't think these people are BAD people or foster parents. They just are handling things differently than *I* would. And I'm assuming the kids aren't locked up nearly as much as it sounded just because our agency would never put up with that and because I don't think you get more than a snapshot from one conversation.

[Haiku]

I know that I have higher standards

 

Ouch. That seems judgmental. When I was a foster care social worker, the only foster families that got respite were ones who fostered kids with pretty severe behavioral issues. These were kids who were pretty messed up when they came to foster care, and what I witnessed was foster parents picking their battles. Honestly, given all that some of these kids have been used to, tv in the bedroom and early bedtimes are not hills to die on.

 

Tara

[Ottakee]

I know that not everything we do as foster parents is "ideal" by normal standards but foster parents tend to deal with kids that have had very rough lives and many of them have some pretty severe behaviors.

 

Right now we have one for respite that is an "eyes on" kid---meaning when he is interacting with anyone other than my 24ds (meaning younger or female) he must have adults EYES ON supervision. For respite it isnt' so bad--esp. since we have boy bedrooms in the basement and girl bedrooms up stairs with dh and I a room on the main floor. That said, I could easily see us doing an early bedtime where the boys go downstairs and the girls upstairs (each floor has a bath) and letting them watch TV for a while just so that dh and I could have some down time.

 

Over time with some kids you can move away from some of these things but it can be very stressful parenting kids with some pretty severe issues.

[AimeeM]

Well, I know I'm in the minority here, but all of our children have televisions in their rooms - with full cable access and netflix. I enjoy falling asleep to television, as do the two older children much of the time - the eldest always, the 3 year old sometimes but also enjoys being sang or read to sleep (Baby Schmoo is too young to have a preference).

[Denisemomof4]

Well, I know I'm in the minority here, but all of our children have televisions in their rooms - with full cable access and netflix. I enjoy falling asleep to television, as do the two older children much of the time - the eldest always, the 3 year old sometimes but also enjoys being sang or read to sleep (Baby Schmoo is too young to have a preference).

 

NOT knocking you AT ALL for doing this but please consider my issue. I had a tv in my room which I fell asleep to and learned to NEED that noise to stay asleep. I am 49 now and it is very, very, very difficult for me to fall asleep without a tv now. And forget about sleeping without background noise. This is why I will be controlling the tv for dd and will be turning it off after an hour to hour and a half and she will still fall asleep on her own. Of course our special circumstances which will keep the tv outside her bedroom will make this all easier on me.

[Mom2OandE]

We adopted our children through foster care and were foster parents. I don't think this has anything to do with them being good parents or not. It's a personal preferance thing. I personally do not let my kids have tv's in their own rooms but most of their friends do. I don't think less of their parents just not something I'm willing to allow at this point. I think I'd let it go and be happy knowing they are well cared for. Honestly some of my foster children couldn't fall asleep if it was too quiet and I would sit with them for hours until they fell asleep. There was one point where it took me 3 hours to get every child asleep. I did move one into the den/playroom off the living room because if he didn't hear us he would wake up.