What do you do to stop ruminating over an old hurt?

[Ginevra]

Okay, I'm a little bit OCD, so I'm sure that plays into this. I was once close friends with a SIL, but that relationship drastically changed at one point. It was a strange situation and I never understood why SIL "turned" on me, but eventually, we just defined a new normal that is cordial but not overly friendly.

 

She still has the power to hurt me, though. She is the one SIL with this 40th birthday dinner thing (for those of you who followed that story) who is acting weird and sort of passive-aggressive, or at least, that is how I'm interpreting it. She will not commit to a date that she can make the dinner and is urging me to just plan it and she'll come if possible.

 

I continue to feel hurt about her unfriendliness, even as I tell myself I should not care. In some ways, I consider it a relief to not be close with her anymore, because she isn't a very nice person and I often thought she was hard to get along with, even when we were close. But I still feel bad when she does things like this, things that seem rejecting towards me.

 

I do have other lovely friends. It's not as though I am waiting for her friendliness because it doesn't come from anywhere else. I think the main issue is that I don't understand her behavior in the first place. I can't seem to stop ruminating about it and this particular manifestation will probably bother me until after the dinner is over.

 

What do you do to move along from a hurt? Is it even possible to be done with it completely if you still have to have the person in your life? This issue is quite old and it has been 8 years since we were close friends, but it still informs things that go on now, in part because I am stuck with her in my life.

[Tohru]

:grouphug:

Only you have the power to forgive. Again and again and again. I'm sorry, it's crappy advice, but I do understand and this is what I tell myself.

[gardenmom5]

forgiveness is most often a process. when I tend to wallow - I just "don't go there". when the thoughts come up, I just refuse to cogitate upon them. there are times to think about it in a productive towards forgiveness manner, and other times it's just a rehash. when it's just a rehash - again, I just "don't go there". it is a conscious choice.

 

incidently, it does eventually make it easier to think on the situation objectiely so the hurt can be let go.

[Desert Rat]

I agree. I have a mantra: Let it go. Let it go. I tend to be OCD, too. I dwell on situations long after I should.

I also have a SIL who I was friends with. Six years ago, she quit returning our calls, quit inviting us to her children's birthdays, quit coming to our children's parties. She didn't come to Christmas dinner. I was super hurt for a long time because I didn't know what I had done wrong.

After about 3 years she said that at my then-3yo's party, I didn't talk to her. I know I did, but she felt snubbed. I tried to apologize for her hurting her feelings, but she wouldn't accept. This past Christmas she finally talked to DH. She said that she was in therapy and that she's mad at us but she doesn't know why. :confused:

I still feel hurt. I've missed her kiddos growing up. She's missed mine. We live 25 minutes away from each other and I have seen her in 6 years. It's just sad. But, that's the way it has to be right now.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I's successful most days.

[Cassy]

Yes, I have people in my life who I used to think I could, or should, be close to, but who I've since become less friendly with. It is difficult when you can't just 'move on' because they're part of a larger social group or extended family.

 

If I were in your situation I'd probably be relieved if SIL couldn't make my birthday dinner. I've found that although I can't cut these people out of my life entirely, it's less painful if I avoid them as much as possible. When I can't avoid them, I try to be as warm and friendly as possible, and to bear no grudges, and I have even been known to enjoy their company on such occasions. However, for all the reasons that led to the original 'cooling off' I can never contemplate allowing any real intimacy. These days I rarely feel too hurt or angry about the fact that they never truly cared much about me. I am who I am. I always tried very hard to be a good friend, and went out of my way many times to do kind and caring things for them. The truth is, like you have found with your SIL, they're really not very nice people ;). They have their strengths, they're not terrible people, but some of their values and attitudes have shocked me, and run very much counter to my own values and beliefs.

 

You can't make yourself 'move on', but you can encourage yourself to 'let go', and maybe be more accepting of both yourself and them.

 

I'm sorry all of this has been so difficult for you. I'm a very similar personality, and dwell on situations that have caused me hurt far longer and far more intensely than is good for me.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[WTMCassandra]

I bet it's because you don't understand it that you are ruminating so much. There are two choices:

 

1) Go to her and ask if you have done something to offend her and how you could improve the relationship. Based on what you have said, I don't think this has a high probability of success, but it's the most straightforward way to find out.

 

2) Tell yourself each time you think of it that you might never understand it, but it is okay because you can make it anyway. Rinse. Repeat.

[HSMom2One]

Every day I live with the pain of being completely cut out of my sister's life. There is no logical reason for her rejection other than her being resentful that I was born (I am the youngest child of three and she is in the middle). I believe my sis has deep, deep issues and that her rejection really isn't about me. Although she's cut herself off from the whole family, I seem to be the main target of all her bitterness. This has been very painful for all of us, especially our mother. My sister has come around minimally toward Mom, but she refuses to engage in anything more than an occasional card in the mail. She did come to see Mom once in the past 9 years, but it had to be when I wasn't going to be home. (Mom lives with dh and I due to health issues.)

 

How do I deal with the pain of rejection?

 

 

• I let sis know that my door is always open if she wants to reconnect.
  
• I told her I apologize for anything I have said or done that hurt her, and I was sure to add that I've never had a malicious thought in my mind toward her.
  
• I made a commitment to pray for her whenever I feel hurt creeping back into my heart and mind. When we pray blessings over those that hurt us, it becomes quite liberating. Jesus taught this for a reason!
  
• I try to send her a birthday card each year, but I keep it light.
  
• Through counseling, I determined that there isn't anything I can say or do to change my sister's behavior. This is her issue, and hers to resolve. Through a period of time I've come to accept this and live with it, but it didn't happen overnight.
  
• I reach out to friends that I know love me as much as I love them.
  
• I try to listen and be there for our mother whenever the hurts resurface.
  
• I go on with my life, choosing to focus on the good things.
  

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

Edited March 3, 2012 by HSMom2One

[Guest]

I agree. I have a mantra: Let it go. Let it go. I tend to be OCD, too. I dwell on situations long after I should.

I also have a SIL who I was friends with. Six years ago, she quit returning our calls, quit inviting us to her children's birthdays, quit coming to our children's parties. She didn't come to Christmas dinner. I was super hurt for a long time because I didn't know what I had done wrong.

After about 3 years she said that at my then-3yo's party, I didn't talk to her. I know I did, but she felt snubbed. I tried to apologize for her hurting her feelings, but she wouldn't accept. This past Christmas she finally talked to DH. She said that she was in therapy and that she's mad at us but she doesn't know why. :confused:

I still feel hurt. I've missed her kiddos growing up. She's missed mine. We live 25 minutes away from each other and I have seen her in 6 years. It's just sad. But, that's the way it has to be right now.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I's successful most days.

 

Awww, yeah, that's very similar to my situation.

 

If I were in your situation I'd probably be relieved if SIL couldn't make my birthday dinner. I've found that although I can't cut these people out of my life entirely, it's less painful if I avoid them as much as possible. When I can't avoid them, I try to be as warm and friendly as possible, and to bear no grudges, and I have even been known to enjoy their company on such occasions. However, for all the reasons that led to the original 'cooling off' I can never contemplate allowing any real intimacy. These days I rarely feel too hurt or angry about the fact that they never truly cared much about me. I am who I am. I always tried very hard to be a good friend, and went out of my way many times to do kind and caring things for them. The truth is, like you have found with your SIL, they're really not very nice people ;). They have their strengths, they're not terrible people, but some of their values and attitudes have shocked me, and run very much counter to my own values and beliefs.

 

 

In a way, there is that. If she is literally not in town, well, then that is simple. I guess it's just the personal rejection aspect that makes me sad. It's the attitude of, "I can't be bothered to make a decision about dates for your party, however if I happen to be free, well a dinner out is always better than cooking." It's like - I'm not terribly sorry that I don't have her friendship, but it pains me that I am so undervalued for a reason I can't discern.

 

I bet it's because you don't understand it that you are ruminating so much. There are two choices:

 

1) Go to her and ask if you have done something to offend her and how you could improve the relationship. Based on what you have said, I don't think this has a high probability of success, but it's the most straightforward way to find out.

 

2) Tell yourself each time you think of it that you might never understand it, but it is okay because you can make it anyway. Rinse. Repeat.

 

I do think that is most of my issue - that I don't understand it.

 

We did talk a few times in the early period when this went down. She just would not explain or clarify what her issue was; I don't think she actually knows. This whole thing went down shortly after my baby girl died. It was somehow tied with that, but I don't know whether she sort of blames me for my baby's death or just has some rage at the situation or some other mysterious thing I just don't get. I did apologize for anything I said or did, that I wasn't aware that I was doing anything wrong, etc. The conversations we had just did not do anything to resolve the bad feelings.

 

I think #2 is my best option and that "works" for the most part, but I can't help that she's in my life, so issues are bound to re-arise.

 

Every day I live with the pain of being completely cut out of my sister's life. There is no logical reason for her rejection other than her being resentful that I was born (I am the youngest child of three and she is in the middle). I believe my sis has deep, deep issues and that her rejection really isn't about me. Although she's cut herself off from the whole family, I seem to be the main target of all her bitterness. This has been very painful for all of us, especially our mother. My sister has come around minimally toward Mom, but she refuses to engage in anything more than an occasional card in the mail. She did come to see Mom once in the past 9 years, but it had to be when I wasn't going to be home. (Mom lives with dh and I due to health issues.)

 

How do I deal with the pain of rejection?

 

 

 

• I let sis know that my door is always open if she wants to reconnect.

• I told her I apologize for anything I have said or done that hurt her, and I was sure to add that I've never had a malicious thought in my mind toward her.

• I made a commitment to pray for her whenever I feel hurt creeping back into my heart and mind. When we pray blessings over those that hurt us, it becomes quite liberating. Jesus taught this for a reason!

• I try to send her a birthday card each year, but I keep it light.

• Through counseling, I determined that there isn't anything I can say or do to change my sister's behavior. This is her issue, and hers to resolve. Through a period of time I've come to accept this and live with it, but it didn't happen overnight.

• I reach out to friends that I know love me as much as I love them.

• I try to listen and be there for our mother whenever the hurts resurface.

• I go on with my life, choosing to focus on the good things.

 

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

Those are good items to remember. I do send her birthday cards and try to do some things now and then to demonstrate care, but that is part of why it burns me when I think she's being passive-aggressive towards me again.

[Cassy]

It's like - I'm not terribly sorry that I don't have her friendship, but it pains me that I am so undervalued for a reason I can't discern.

 

I understand completely, it's rejection, and it hurts. I suppose I eventually talked myself into just accepting that they don't value me, I don't like it, but I accept it. Lots of other people do value me, lots of people who matter so much more, and who I love. It isn't easy, I'm a very compliant person, I want to please, and I want to be approved of, but I don't want to feel all eaten up inside when someone, for whatever unfathomable reason, refuses to approve of or value me. So I guess acceptance became my choice, and eventually the hurt and anger subsided. I don't know how much sense that makes, but I really hope you find a way to resolve your hurt, you deserve to be loved and valued.

 

Cassy

[Catwoman]

Okay, I'm a little bit OCD, so I'm sure that plays into this. I was once close friends with a SIL, but that relationship drastically changed at one point. It was a strange situation and I never understood why SIL "turned" on me, but eventually, we just defined a new normal that is cordial but not overly friendly.

 

She still has the power to hurt me, though. She is the one SIL with this 40th birthday dinner thing (for those of you who followed that story) who is acting weird and sort of passive-aggressive, or at least, that is how I'm interpreting it. She will not commit to a date that she can make the dinner and is urging me to just plan it and she'll come if possible.

 

I continue to feel hurt about her unfriendliness, even as I tell myself I should not care. In some ways, I consider it a relief to not be close with her anymore, because she isn't a very nice person and I often thought she was hard to get along with, even when we were close. But I still feel bad when she does things like this, things that seem rejecting towards me.

 

I do have other lovely friends. It's not as though I am waiting for her friendliness because it doesn't come from anywhere else. I think the main issue is that I don't understand her behavior in the first place. I can't seem to stop ruminating about it and this particular manifestation will probably bother me until after the dinner is over.

 

What do you do to move along from a hurt? Is it even possible to be done with it completely if you still have to have the person in your life? This issue is quite old and it has been 8 years since we were close friends, but it still informs things that go on now, in part because I am stuck with her in my life.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I think the main thing you need to consider is why you care about her at all. It's obvious to me that she did something mean and hurtful to you, and she really wounded you.

 

So write her off.

 

Period.

 

Be civil. Be pleasant. But be distant.

 

Some people just aren't worth your time or trouble, and it sounds like she is one of them. She has made it very clear that you are not important to her. By being a pain about your birthday, she's telling you that she has no interest in your feelings. So forget about her feelings. It doesn't matter why she doesn't want to be friendlier with you. Put yourself and your own feelings and needs first.

 

I don't know if you're a people-pleaser, but I suspect that you may be, and it will be hard for you to accept that there is nothing you can do to rekindle your relationship with your SIL. It has been a long time, and it's not happening now, and it won't happen in the future, unless she needs you for something -- and then she will use you until she doesn't need you anymore.

 

I don't mean to be hurtful or harsh, but you are so nice, and it sounds like your SIL is not nice, so I hate to see you allowing her to hurt your feelings.

 

Forget she exists. If she shows up for your birthday, that's fine, but if she doesn't, won't you still have a great time without her?

 

I'm sorry she's not the SIL you wish she was.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Guest]

I understand completely, it's rejection, and it hurts. I suppose I eventually talked myself into just accepting that they don't value me, I don't like it, but I accept it. Lots of other people do value me, lots of people who matter so much more, and who I love. It isn't easy, I'm a very compliant person, I want to please, and I want to be approved of, but I don't want to feel all eaten up inside when someone, for whatever unfathomable reason, refuses to approve of or value me. So I guess acceptance became my choice, and eventually the hurt and anger subsided. I don't know how much sense that makes, but I really hope you find a way to resolve your hurt, you deserve to be loved and valued.

 

Cassy

 

That makes a whole lot of sense, especially the part I bolded. I am just like you describe yourself. I may even write the bolded on a post-it and keep it on my cabinet door (covered with other little reminders to myself). Thank you a lot.

[Guest]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I think the main thing you need to consider is why you care about her at all. It's obvious to me that she did something mean and hurtful to you, and she really wounded you.

 

So write her off.

 

Period.

 

Be civil. Be pleasant. But be distant.

 

Some people just aren't worth your time or trouble, and it sounds like she is one of them. She has made it very clear that you are not important to her. By being a pain about your birthday, she's telling you that she has no interest in your feelings. So forget about her feelings. It doesn't matter why she doesn't want to be friendlier with you. Put yourself and your own feelings and needs first.

 

I don't know if you're a people-pleaser, but I suspect that you may be, and it will be hard for you to accept that there is nothing you can do to rekindle your relationship with your SIL. It has been a long time, and it's not happening now, and it won't happen in the future, unless she needs you for something -- and then she will use you until she doesn't need you anymore.

 

I don't mean to be hurtful or harsh, but you are so nice, and it sounds like your SIL is not nice, so I hate to see you allowing her to hurt your feelings.

 

Forget she exists. If she shows up for your birthday, that's fine, but if she doesn't, won't you still have a great time without her?

 

I'm sorry she's not the SIL you wish she was.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thanks for your very kind words. I'm a fixer and yes, I'm a pleaser, too. I want everybody to like me. :D SIL isn't nice. She's fun, though. I miss having fun times with her. But I've seen her do and say mean and hurtful things to other "friends" of hers and I've seen some people disappear from her circle, so I surmise I'm not the only person who assesses her the way I do.

 

You all are right. I need to dust it off and party with the SILs who were cheerful in their response to the invite.

[LAS in LA]

OP - Are you and your brother close? There may be some jealosy issues there, on SIL's part. Or maybe he said something at the time of your baby's death that she's having a hard time with.

[Guest]

OP - Are you and your brother close? There may be some jealosy issues there, on SIL's part. Or maybe he said something at the time of your baby's death that she's having a hard time with.

 

She is my husband's brother's wife.

[Pink Fairy]

forgiveness is most often a process. when I tend to wallow - I just "don't go there". when the thoughts come up, I just refuse to cogitate upon them. there are times to think about it in a productive towards forgiveness manner, and other times it's just a rehash. when it's just a rehash - again, I just "don't go there". it is a conscious choice.

 

incidently, it does eventually make it easier to think on the situation objectiely so the hurt can be let go.

 

That's what I do too--just not go there as much as possible. Getting wound up and hurt all over again is what happens when I do go there.

[LAS in LA]

She is my husband's brother's wife.

 

Nevermind. :001_smile:

[Karis]

I've been in a similar situation. People have their own issues that really have nothing to do with how kind and how wonderful you are. She may be amused that you're so worked up or may be totally oblivious to how you feel.Have you had a "heart to heart?" If you've addressed it and it continues, you may be giving this individual too much power and influence. Why? If they cause you to FEEL undervalued, that's huge. She may in fact undervalue you but that doesn't negate your value.

 

When I was dealing with a similar issue, a person very close to the situation gave me something to consider.

 

"Sometimes, the way you feel is EXACTLY the way they want you to feel."

 

At some point you have to refuse to allow yourself to be so easily emotionally manipulated.

 

(Are you the youngest of the group? Can't remember)

 

So you COULD continually invest the time & energy to understand her attitude/ effect change...

 

But don't you have other things to do with your time? Shake the dust off of your feet. Be civil. Plaster on a smile and keep it movin.' Have fun and enjoy those who truly enjoy you.

Edited March 4, 2012 by Karis

[ma23peas]

....in part because I am stuck with her in my life.

 

If you want reconciliation, there needs to be some time for the two of you to have a talk...mostly, time heals these types..but other times there are just personality clashes that do not work well....but since you said you used to be close I think there could be room for forgiveness and forging new normals....right now your normal may just be this awkward exchange...make no demands, expect nothing and move forward.

 

Your last comment probably speaks some truths..perhaps she picks up on your attitude about being stuck with her...sometimes we wear our personal hurts/reactions on our sleeve, our facial expressions, the awkward pauses in our speech...this can make a sensitive person that much more prickly...

 

So, you either accept it, or have her out to lunch and make it all about not how you feel, but that you want to make sure you have not done anything to make her feel uncomfortable...one of you has to be the bigger person and make it about a better relationship not "well, you make me feel this way, and I don't understand why you did xyz." It would be very tough not to counter her sensitivities with your own, but that will get you nowhwere..acknowledge where she is feeling prickly, vow to do better and apologize...see if that makes things a bit better...but you need to have a heart ready to give up your own hurts to help heal another's.

 

Good luck and :grouphug:

[J-rap]

I am in the exact situation, exactly. And our extended family is quite small, so there is no way of avoiding it. We are very cordial, and she is not at all aggressive or outwardly unkind. But there was clearly a day when she turned and rejected our friendship. When I brought it up with her when it first happened, she implied that she would remain cordial for the rest of her life, but it would never go back to where it was. I was completely baffled, and I still am. I do miss the days when we were actually close. (It was 8-10 years ago.) I know she has some rather bizarre personal issues coming from a dysfunctional family, and a very low self-image. If people are whispering near her, she will always assume it's about her -- things like that. She must have misinterpreted things I did or said, but she will not explain it. Other people have had this happen with their friendship with her, too. I still imagine that someday when we're both old, we'll be close again and will be able to look back at this time and roll our eyes. But for now, I don't have the energy to keep trying to fix it, so I'm just cordial as is she. I don't know what else to do.

So, sorry! No words of advice, just understanding.

[Guest]

I am in the exact situation, exactly. And our extended family is quite small, so there is no way of avoiding it. We are very cordial, and she is not at all aggressive or outwardly unkind. But there was clearly a day when she turned and rejected our friendship. When I brought it up with her when it first happened, she implied that she would remain cordial for the rest of her life, but it would never go back to where it was. I was completely baffled, and I still am. I do miss the days when we were actually close. (It was 8-10 years ago.) I know she has some rather bizarre personal issues coming from a dysfunctional family, and a very low self-image. If people are whispering near her, she will always assume it's about her -- things like that. She must have misinterpreted things I did or said, but she will not explain it. Other people have had this happen with their friendship with her, too. I still imagine that someday when we're both old, we'll be close again and will be able to look back at this time and roll our eyes. But for now, I don't have the energy to keep trying to fix it, so I'm just cordial as is she. I don't know what else to do.

So, sorry! No words of advice, just understanding.

 

It is just like that. :grouphug: Except my SIL has sometimes been very aggressive and actively unkind. Cordial is a big improvement over how things were when it turned.

[kalanamak]

 

What do you do to move along from a hurt? Is it even possible to be done with it completely if you still have to have the person in your life? This issue is quite old and it has been 8 years since we were close friends, but it still informs things that go on now, in part because I am stuck with her in my life.

 

If I catch myself ruminating, I tend to pace about and then go into the bathroom and shout STOP at myself in the mirror. When home alone, of course.

 

This works for me.

[Sweetpeach]

I agree. I have a mantra: Let it go. Let it go. I tend to be OCD, too. I dwell on situations long after I should.

I also have a SIL who I was friends with. Six years ago, she quit returning our calls, quit inviting us to her children's birthdays, quit coming to our children's parties. She didn't come to Christmas dinner. I was super hurt for a long time because I didn't know what I had done wrong.

After about 3 years she said that at my then-3yo's party, I didn't talk to her. I know I did, but she felt snubbed. I tried to apologize for her hurting her feelings, but she wouldn't accept. This past Christmas she finally talked to DH. She said that she was in therapy and that she's mad at us but she doesn't know why. :confused:

I still feel hurt. I've missed her kiddos growing up. She's missed mine. We live 25 minutes away from each other and I have seen her in 6 years. It's just sad. But, that's the way it has to be right now.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I's successful most days.

 

This I relate to . . . especially the "mad at us but doesn't know why" bit. I've turned myself inside out trying to understand and at some point, you just have to be all done now. I loved my s-i-l like a sister -- she was and is dear to me. But, marrying her brother didn't bode well for us. :( I spent some time on these boards, many moons ago, processing some of that hurt . . . and the advice is always the same. Forgive, draw boundaries, forgive, let it go, try not to let it sink deeply into your core, forgive. Hard stuff especially since we've lost touch with the little people.

 

Warmly, Tricia.

[Sweetpeach]

 

At some point you have to refuse to allow yourself to be so easily emotionally manipulated.

 

(Are you the youngest of the group? Can't remember)

 

So you COULD continually invest the time & energy to understand her attitude/ effect change...

 

But don't you have other things to do with your time? Shake the dust off of your feet. Be civil. Plaster on a smile and keep it movin.' Have fun and enjoy those who truly enjoy you.

 

Yes, these parts. Peace to you.

T