How do you "teach" your children to be kind to each other?

[Jackie in NE]

I am at my wits end with my dc (especially the middle two) being mean to each other. I've tried sweet-talking, cajoling, modeling, role-playing, punishing, restriction, etc. etc. etc. and NOTHING seems to work! I'm talking really mean here.... like fisticuffs, take-down, etc. They are very close in age (dd 9, and ds 8), and sometimes - even often - get along famously.

 

But during those times that they're fighting, I'm afraid that someone will get hurt. But more than that, my heart aches when I think that someday when I'm gone, they won't have each other for support because they're SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER!

 

Please, do any of you have any ideas or words of wisdom for how to foster a generous, loving spirit between siblings? When I think of my children out there in the world someday, I want to know that they'll be supporting each other..... not tearing each other down. :sad:

 

Thanks, Jackie

[Joanne]

A book recommendation. Don't let the title fool you, it's about much more than it seems. It's all about fostering *honor and respect* in family relationships.

 

"Say Goodbye to Whining, Bad Attitude and Complaining in You and Your Children" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. If you want, there is an amazon affliliate link on my site.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Another recommendation: Siblings without Rivalry:How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Elaine Mazlish

[Trivium Academy]

My younger brother and I didn't fight or so my mom says. :glare: But MY kids- woo boy! They will be sharing a room this time next week and I'm sure there will be some attitude adjustments needed. There was a time I remember that I had to hold my brother's hand ALL day b/c we were fighting and we had to do all our chores together, team style or neither one of us could play. We finally bonded together b/c we decided WE weren't as bad as our parents! Lol.

[Jackie in NE]

There was a time I remember that I had to hold my brother's hand ALL day b/c we were fighting and we had to do all our chores together, team style or neither one of us could play. We finally bonded together b/c we decided WE weren't as bad as our parents! Lol.

 

 

:lol: Now THAT'S extreme! Your parents were determined!

 

I guess maybe I'm extremely sensitive on this subject because my sister and I never got along, and now we don't even speak to each other...... It's such a waste. She's the only sister I have, and we can't seem to agree on anything. I just don't want that for my dc. My dh, who gets along with ALL 5 of his siblings, doesn't think this fighting thing is that big of a deal.......

 

Jackie

[Trivium Academy]

My brother and I are on different planets now, he got into drugs and the wrong crowd after I moved out (4 years difference between us). At 27 he still doesn't have his GED but he's got three kids and a stack of unpaid bills, repos and eviction notices. It's hard to stay in touch with someone whose address and phone # change so much and they don't reciprocate at all. :( We hardly have anything in common. It's just sad.

[Jackie in NE]

My brother and I are on different planets now, he got into drugs and the wrong crowd after I moved out (4 years difference between us). At 27 he still doesn't have his GED but he's got three kids and a stack of unpaid bills, repos and eviction notices. It's hard to stay in touch with someone whose address and phone # change so much and they don't reciprocate at all. :( We hardly have anything in common. It's just sad.

 

 

Yes, I agree. It is sad. I also have a brother who is hooked on drugs and alcohol. He got his 3rd DUI the other day, and is probably headed for jail time. I feel like writing a letter to the highway patrol thanking them for getting him off the roads. He drives a semi.:mad:

 

There are 4 of us kids, and my other brother and I get along very well. I am so thankful for our relationship. And it's not like it's hard to get along.... We just respect each other, are kind to each other, and laugh together about ourselves and life in general. I so want that kind of sibling relationship for my dc.

 

Thanks for sharing, Jackie

[Amy in NH]

I know that many people think you should let kids figure it out or work it out for themselves, but I honestly believe that they should be given good tools before they are allowed that freedom. If I were in your situation, I would "tomato stake" them so that they would be with me for each and every interaction they have together. This would allow me to stop each incident as it was occurring, so that we could practice good relationship skills as the incident unfolds.

 

The good relationship skills I'm talking about are:

not grabbing things from each other/learning how to take turns

keeping one's body to one's self and understanding the personal space of others

using words to tell someone if you don't like what they are doing

listening (really listening) to someone if they are trying to tell you something, especially if it's that they don't like what you are doing

 

and I would probably spend a lot of time verbally empathizing and having them do the same.

 

When they have it down and can use those skills without my prompting, I would give them a little space until I'm sure they can work out problems in a pro-social way without me (allowing them to play around the corner, so I can listen in).

 

I'm sure I'm probably forgetting something, but this is what really works for me, & my kids rarely fight.

[Soph the vet]

My younger brother and I didn't fight or so my mom says. :glare: But MY kids- woo boy! They will be sharing a room this time next week and I'm sure there will be some attitude adjustments needed. There was a time I remember that I had to hold my brother's hand ALL day b/c we were fighting and we had to do all our chores together, team style or neither one of us could play. We finally bonded together b/c we decided WE weren't as bad as our parents! Lol.

 

This sounds very similar to what a homeschool mom of 9 friend of mine does with her sibling rivalry issues. She calls it "maturity mode" and the two offenders have to do everything together. They are not allowed to play with other siblings or friends, all chores and fun are done together, I think they even sleep in the same room whether they normally do or not. Sometimes they are on it for a week, sometimes for weeks according to her. Anyway, some of her kids are grown now and they are the most awesome, mature, and solid young adults you'll find.

[Storm Bay]

I am at my wits end with my dc (especially the middle two) being mean to each other. I've tried sweet-talking, cajoling, modeling, role-playing, punishing, restriction, etc. etc. etc. and NOTHING seems to work! I'm talking really mean here.... like fisticuffs, take-down, etc. They are very close in age (dd 9, and ds 8), and sometimes - even often - get along famously.

 

 

Thanks, Jackie

 

Tomato staking would be a big failure here unless I were also in the room all the time mediating. Sometimes my kids just need time apart. Lots and lots of teaching, too. But, interestingly, when my younger two fight and I separate them, they're immediately begging to be back together. Regardless of method, some kids will take longer than others to get this. Also, some kids who fight a lot grow up to be best friends, particularly if there's lots of teaching. But some are just going to be stellar opposites. My sister and I get along, but we aren't best friends because we're just so different. As she said once, we wouldn't even be in the same circle of friends if we weren't in the same family. But we talk and get together.

[Claire in NM]

When our second child (my dd) was born, I was struck with the idea that I wanted my kids to be friends. I mean, I wanted them to enjoy one another's company and I wanted them to be willing to lean upon each other when things get difficult.

 

Well, homeschooling helped because they spend so much time together. Because sometimes they are so close in proximity, they play together.

 

But when the fighting started, I wanted to teach my kids how important it was that they make up. First, I stopped the fighting. Second, I put each in a time out. Third, I talk to them individually, either asking the one why they started fighting, and consoling the other. Fourth, I bring them back together, making the one say "I'm sorry" and making the other say "Thank you." Fifth, I make them hug.

 

This was something I started when the kids were very young. Sometimes I still have to intervene (ds is 14 and dd is 10), but for the most part they enjoy one anther's company and get along great.

 

Claire in NM

[Elaine]

I am at my wits end with my dc (especially the middle two) being mean to each other. I've tried sweet-talking, cajoling, modeling, role-playing, punishing, restriction, etc. etc. etc. and NOTHING seems to work! I'm talking really mean here.... like fisticuffs, take-down, etc. They are very close in age (dd 9, and ds 8), and sometimes - even often - get along famously.

 

But during those times that they're fighting, I'm afraid that someone will get hurt. But more than that, my heart aches when I think that someday when I'm gone, they won't have each other for support because they're SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER!

 

Please, do any of you have any ideas or words of wisdom for how to foster a generous, loving spirit between siblings? When I think of my children out there in the world someday, I want to know that they'll be supporting each other..... not tearing each other down. :sad:

 

Thanks, Jackie

 

It sounds to me like you are really doing a great job! :001_smile: Have you considered seperating them? My boys don't fight too much, but when they have a day where they are just at each other constantly, I tell them that they are not allowed to be near each other. No talking, no playing, no contact. Reverse psychology seems to work because they end up together and happy.

 

Maybe your kids just need some time apart.

[Rosie_0801]

My mother used to allow us to fight, as long as we did it outside. Funnily enough, nothing ever seemed important enough to leave the house for. Especially in winter!!

:)

Rosie

[Reya]

Separate them the instant they start so they can't play together (or at least forbid them from speaking to or looking at one another). That'll get old fast.

 

With my 5-y-o and the neighbor's 4-y-o, it usually goes something like this: "If you guys don't cut out the obnoxiousness, I'm going to knock your heads together."

 

Of course I don't mean it--they usually laugh--but it works 9 times out of 10.

[HappyGrace]

if someone in this house touched another in anger in any way, I'd make sure the punishment would be fitting enough that it would not happen again. Even a raised voice to each other puts them BOTH in time out, where they usually end up bonding! I have not had to do much more than this because we nipped it at raised voices. Not sure what to do once it gets to that point. I know a friend's ds6 hit his older sister (8) and he had to spend the entire day in his room, including meals, and that made a big impact. Also, I haven't read the other responses, but I've heard The Young Peacemakers is an AMAZING resource for this type of thing.

[WTMindy]

I have what I call "Teamwork practice". If the kids are fighting I tell them it sounds like they need to practice their teamwork so I assign them a chore to do together. Sometimes they will fight about whose fault it is that they have this chore and who isn't doing it right so I'll assign more practice. (I usually start with washing the floors, which they don't like to do.) I have never had to assign more than 1 extra chore because I find that they both get a little annoyed with me and team up together to prevent getting another chore, and so they stop bickering. I will say that most of the time they play together wonderfully, but they are normal and will fight too.

[nmoira]

Sometimes there are communication problems and I will act as "translator," simply helping each to state their case, but I don't "make" their case for them. However, we're big on Parent Effectiveness Training, and, as the kids are at an age now they can more or less look after themselves with each other, I generally don't interfere with how the children are playing unless what they're doing becomes my problem. Then I treat it as my problem and may separate them for awhile or, more usually, move on to something else.

[cin]

My 2 are 3 & 6 and they are already starting the bickering stuff. I am working on teaching them to use words, and to respect and listen to the words. If Z says stop, then P should stop and not keep doing whatever it is. If you want the toy, you say "can I play with that when you are done?" And so on....It is tedious, and my 3 yr old is being tomato staked starting Saturday, because she is going through a mean phase.

 

One of my friends made her girls sit on the couch & hold hands when they started fighting. I like that idea, and once dd3 is a little older, we'll probably do that too.

[lighthouseacademy]

A few things come to my mind,

first, my stepmom had 2 number ONE rules- NO COMPARING and TALK NICE. She would always jump in with, "What's my number one rule?" It worked very well. There are 4 of us, including a set of twins and we all get along very well. The next thing that comes to mind I have used with my older 2 when they were littler because they fought more then. When they fought, we would make them stand nose to nose- they would end up making faces at each other and laughing and hugging each other on their own. If it was really bad, I would make them sit back to back with their arms linked. With older children, they would then be required to stand up and sit down TOGETHER with arms linked. Some families have their kids wash windows on 2 opposite sides of the window.

I also second the recommendation for Siblings Without Rivalry.

[PameliaSue]

My dad still says, "Pain is a good instructor."

 

I love Tedd Tripp's Shepherding A Child's Heart parenting book and a couple years ago I came across a little companion book written by a mother who believes in his philosophy called, Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman. The title may sound like it would miss the age of your children but don't get hung up on the title. It is full of scripture on communicating and relating and ways to implement it into parenting. I feel like this little book is Growing Kids God's Way meets Shepherding A Child's Heart because it has all the practical hands on ideas that GKGW does but the HEART focus that SCH pursues. AND it is a small book so I wasn't overwhelmed with the prospect of having to fit it into my life before I could reap the benefits.

In Ginger's book she gives specific scriptures that apply to children fighting and tormenting one another. She says, "My goal is to use the scriptures to teach, rebuke, correct, and train in righteousness. 2 Peter 1:3 says, 'His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness.'" She doesn't at all come across as someone who beats her children up with the Bible either. What she does it takes scripture and fits it into a 9 year olds life.

Just a quick example. In her book she talks about her children tattling and how it would drive her crazy. Then the Lord reveled to her Mathew 18:15-17 and how it even applies to tattling. "When your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you." verse 15. Then verse 17a says, "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church,". She instructed her children to confront the offender first and remind them not to disobey/sin before bringing the offense to the attention of authority/church. I have been working on memorizing basic scriptures like this that often apply to parenting, so that they come fast and easy in a pinch when I need to get right to the heart of the matter with my kids.

Now back to my dad's favorite saying.... Which I think is a lot like the Mike & Debi Pearls' To Train Up A Child philosophy. When we were kids if we just couldn't get along we were put to work. Even if it was meaningless like hauling rocks, which we loathed. If it hurts more to bicker than it does to get along they will avoid "sinning in their anger." And until you've worked on the heart issues, which is a huge part of what is going on, keep them too tired to fight. Take that energy and put it to work. My sister implemented this with my 13 year old niece who could not stop arguing. Every time she talked back to my sister she would get 15 minutes in the corner (yes, the corner... she HATED it!). If she persisted my sister just tacked on another 15 minutes. Hannah spent 45 minutes in the corner the first time my sister tried it...lol. She only had to stand in the corner 3 or 4 times before she stopped talking back. Whatever it is you settle on, make it painful.

 

I haven't read any of the books others have mentioned on peacemaking and so forth but I imagine if the focus is scripture based, dealing with man's heart in relation to God and others then they will be helpful.

[Peela]

I read a book called Parachutes for Parents years ago, and it's one of the few books I took notes from. In that, they recommended simply not to take sides in arguments between siblings because taking sides means you are saying to one child, the aggressor, that they are in the wrong, while the other child, the victim, is in the right. But the victim is actually rarely just the victim...being a victim has good pay! For starters, you get mom on your side- what a win! It's the other side of the coin. By making them work it out, neither gets to play either role, they have to grow beyond the roles.

Can't say I have always done that. Are there any underlying jealousy issues? My oldest always had a slight jealousy issue of her brother...not surprising. She had a wonderful life until he came along and usurped her! And while she was easygoing and happy, he was a screamer who wouldn't be put down, so he always got a disproportionate amount of attention, for many years, no matter how we tried to balance it. It wasn't until they were old enough that we could really talk about it through and through that it started to heal in her. Meanwhile, she was mean, and you could see she could barely help herself....she just wasn't mature enough to handle her own jealousy. And he...he was just plain emotional and immature. Nowadays, I am so heartened that they are finally good friends, even though they still fight, they actually get on well, too.

I personally feel that the less interference the better, and sibling fighting is fine and a normal, healthy part of growing up. Its not going to stop you trying to work it out with them sometimes, but I suggest you just "let go" somewhat and let it be. Separate them when they fight in your face..or put them together in a room away from you...whatever. I try and only interfere when there are really heart issues at stake, when I can feel one child is coming out of some meanness that I feel I can reach, do something about, or want to make them more aware of.