Getting a step-mom as an adult.

[The Girls' Mom]

Is just awkward to deal with sometimes. This is really just a vent because I wouldn't say this to her directly.

 

My dad remarried after being divorced from my mother for over 16 years. They divorced before I can even remember them being together. He wasn't a huge part of my life as a child. He got remarried after I was married and pregnant with my first child (and soon to be step-mom was pregnant with my half-brother). I've never been close to him, and the relationship has been down right disfunctional at times.

 

The awkward part is dealing with said step-family. Step-mom has always been kind to me, but there is a bit of a cold distance between us. We don't see them often. We talk on FB :tongue_smilie:.

 

Anyway, when she posts stuff to my wall about how much she loves her kids and grandbabies, it is just weird to me. Like today she posted one (on my wall) of those cheesy re-posts about how she hasn't always been the best mom, but she loves her kids. But a big part of me is going...what? You don't even know me?! You aren't my mom...and you haven't ever had an occasion to be motherly toward me. She's just someone attached to my family by marriage.

 

I know she doesn't mean anything by it, but I just don't get warm fuzzies AT ALL when I think of her or my dad. And stuff like that just gets under my skin.

 

My brain knows she's just trying to include me in the family. My heart just doesn't feel it and doesn't WANT to be included. :glare:

 

ETA: My mother got remarried when I was very young. My step-dad and his extended family ARE my family. He was my DAD, IYKWIM. So, it just isn't a bias against step-family.

[southernm]

I've BTDT. My mom passed away 14 years ago. My dad remarried last year. I don't consider his new wife a mom of any type. I just consider her his new wife. My children address her by her first name. She (in my mind) is not their grandmother. I like her, there are no issues there. I think it is a quiet understanding from both sides. She has a son in college and I certainly do not think of him as a "step brother". I think that things are different when you are a child and a parent remarries. When you are an adult it's completely different.

[Starr]

It beats the step mom that sends out the family Christmas cards over the years and mentions everyone but you. ;) She gets some credit for trying.

[linguistmama]

No advice, just commiseration. My parents divorced when I was a kid and my mom got remarried years later to an old college friend. She remarried the same year I got married. It was awkward. My mom was always trying to have us talk on the phone to him and telling me how much he liked being a grandparent to my kids etc. But it was very fake and neither my brother or I were ever comfortable with him. I have other friends who have wonderful step parents, but my mom is just into the fake facade.

Edited November 15, 2011 by linguistmama

[DusksAngel]

I've had two step-moms since my parents divorced. The first was only 4 years older than I was. I told her I would never call her mom or consider her a parental figure.

I don't have a relationship with my current one either. But then, I don't have much of one with my father either. When he grows up and decides he wants to have one with me, maybe this will change.

[Lara in Colo]

My father and I are not close. That being said, I am not close to my step mother, even though she has been married to my father for 25 years.

She always tries to be good to me and I never really was super receptive--for a lot of reasons (that had nothing to do with her).

I have gotten closer to her in recent years. She has been good to my father, she is good to my children--not perfect but she tries.

 

I developed a theory, for myself, when dealing with unwanted affection from people.

 

NEVER turn down love. You don't have to like everything about her, and her actions may grind you the wrong way,-- think about her motives and if they are good, just let her love you. This will be much better for you and everyone else. She isn't your mother. She might be your friend.

She is the person keeping your father happy and helping you to not have to take care of him as much.

 

I don't know the whole story, but if she is good, and trying -- give her a break.

 

Lara

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

My mother divorced my father after they were both arrested and convicted of child abuse. They'll be in jail for quite some time. So imagine my surprise when she told me she has a boyfriend :blink: Who is 11 years younger than her. Who is also in prison. Who's name is Rocky. Oh, and at the time my younger sister had a boyfriend who was only a few months younger than Rocky.

 

I'm not calling him "Dad."

 

They're in Oregon, and he doesn't get out until sometime next year, so I'm not going to have to deal with this until next Thanksgiving.

 

Sorry your step mom is awkward. :grouphug: I hope my story cheered you up, some.

Edited November 15, 2011 by theYoungerMrsWarde

[arghmatey]

BTDT and had to tell her to knock it off. She ONLY made affectionate gestures when an audience existed. She made MY special life events into her personal theater, which I quickly nipped. It wasn't love. It was a performance, and I am certain I've made her life easier and more pleasant by allowing her to opt out of mine. That was me giving her a break.

 

My father and I were VERY close and still were after they married. She has four children, and while I appreciate their personalities, none of us make attempts to become closer. As far as I know, we are all fine with the arrangement.

 

Step mom is getting better at polite distance and has stopped all the stupid emails as well as discontinuing attempts to impose her maternal desires onto my life.

 

As far as I know, she and my dad lead a very happy life, and so do I.

[JenniferB]

I have a similar family structure, but it was my mom who remarried when I was an adult, and my dad when I was a child. I think of my step-dad as more of a peer. My mom married 10 yrs. or so younger. So, we chop it up just like buds. He's really nice, and a bonus is he idealizes me. :D But, I wouldn't call him "dad" or think of him that way. I call him by his first name. We always have a lot to talk about when family gets together, and he's always asking me for advice. Is there any way you can reverse the thinking and help her think of you as a peer. Then, maybe you can get along like girlfriends or something like that? I'm sorry you are so irritated. I get that way with my step-mom, and she's more of a motherly figure in my mind, but I still get massively irritated. I hope you can find a way to peace and friendship.

[akmommy]

My parents divorced when I was nine so my dad was my dad as far family loyalties went, and I never called or considered either of my step parents Mom or Dad. They never really pushed it though. I do consider each of them a good friend and feel that even though my parents divorce was a bad one I really did get lucky with the stepparents I got.

[Remudamom]

My dad married the woman he was having an affair with when he and mom got divorced. I was about 30. It took years but we get along now. She tries hard. She doesn't refer to the children as "her grandchildren" and they will not call her grandma. They call her by her first name. She is my age.

[Rhonda in TX]

I've BTDT. My mom passed away 14 years ago. My dad remarried last year. I don't consider his new wife a mom of any type. I just consider her his new wife. My children address her by her first name. She (in my mind) is not their grandmother. I like her, there are no issues there. I think it is a quiet understanding from both sides. She has a son in college and I certainly do not think of him as a "step brother". I think that things are different when you are a child and a parent remarries. When you are an adult it's completely different.

 

Same situation here. It's too weird to think of my dad's new wife (married 5 years ago, 2 years after Mom passed) as a stepmom, much less any other type of mom. I call her by her first name. The kids wanted to know what to call her, and I left that up to her. She asked them to also call her by her first name. She's a lovely woman, and she makes my dad happy, for which I'm grateful. However, she's not my mom.

[tex-mex]

My dad married the woman he was having an affair with when he and mom got divorced. I was about 30. It took years but we get along now. She tries hard. She doesn't refer to the children as "her grandchildren" and they will not call her grandma. They call her by her first name. She is my age.

There is hope from what you shared.

 

Hubby just found out his dad married soon after his mother's death. We all discovered he had a long (17+ year) affair which his mom never knew about. And there may be a stepsister involved too as a product of the affair. Hubby at the moment wants nothing to do with his father (this is one of many affairs with different women, btw) and has refused to communicate soon after the funeral. The new stepmother is hubby's age, which does not sit well with him, either. Personally, I have more respect for my departed MIL as it appears she covered up a litany of sins for FIL. I would have left him ages ago -- hubby thinks the same.

[SonshineLearner]

Gosh, my mom is alive, but I hope that if my dad remarries... that she welcomes my kids as grandchildren. (and she has cancer right now, so this is likely a reality for our family) Otherwise, I think that it would be awkward. Course, who am I kidding... either way it will be awkward. BUT, I do know that when my aunt died, my uncle remarried a woman.... They talked about it (their whole family) and the little one said, "I need a g-ma, I'd like to call you g-ma"....

[Cammie]

My mother divorced my father after they were both arrested and convicted of child abuse. They'll be in jail for quite some time. So imagine my surprise when she told me she has a boyfriend :blink: Who is 11 years younger than her. Who is also in prison. Who's name is Rocky. Oh, and at the time my younger sister had a boyfriend who was only a few months younger than Rocky.

 

I'm not calling him "Dad."

 

They're in Oregon, and he doesn't get out until sometime next year, so I'm not going to have to deal with this until next Thanksgiving.

 

Sorry your step mom is awkward. :grouphug: I hope my story cheered you up, some.

 

 

:lol: Ok, it cheered me up (hopefully the OP too!) My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage. Dad remarried and I have NO, as in Zero, relationship with his new wife. She is not much older than me. I am ok with her kids, I have nothing against them. I just cannot bring myself to even speak to her. Good think I live on the other side of the world!

[Remudamom]

There is hope from what you shared.

 

Hubby just found out his dad married soon after his mother's death. We all discovered he had a long (17+ year) affair which his mom never knew about. And there may be a stepsister involved too as a product of the affair. Hubby at the moment wants nothing to do with his father (this is one of many affairs with different women, btw) and has refused to communicate soon after the funeral. The new stepmother is hubby's age, which does not sit well with him, either. Personally, I have more respect for my departed MIL as it appears she covered up a litany of sins for FIL. I would have left him ages ago -- hubby thinks the same.

 

It was rough. My dad was the same way, had affair after affair. No telling how many step sibs I've got floating around. He was an OBGyn, so he probably arranged adoptions and all kinds of ^*%.

 

But you know, he's my dad. He still denies everything. Every once in a while I like to bring up names of his former mistresses just to let him know he's not pulling a fast one over on me.

 

The currant wife was having an affair with dad, and made sure my mom found out. She had a bill sent to my parent's home for some furniture my dad had bought for their little love nest. Mom had enough and kicked him out.

 

She had family not too far from us, so she and dad would drive 13 hours and he'd stay here, she'd drive on to her family and visit. I remember once when she dropped him off and she needed to go to the bathroom and I wouldn't let her in my house.

 

She stayed quiet through the whole thing, never responded to my ugliness to her. She's smart, I'll give her that. The worst part is I like her better than the two guys my mom has married since. Never say never.

[oneddmanybooks]

I've had two step-moms since my parents divorced. The first was only 4 years older than I was. I told her I would never call her mom or consider her a parental figure.

I don't have a relationship with my current one either. But then, I don't have much of one with my father either. When he grows up and decides he wants to have one with me, maybe this will change.

 

Jeanette, we have some things in common (in addition to our names :)). I've had two "stepmoms" - the first was 14 years older than me. I got along pretty well with both (helps that I live a few states away). I think I would definitely have more of a relationship with my dad and his current wife if we lived in the same area. It's hard to "start" a relationship with a parent from many miles away, especially with major "baggage" involved. It is sad when adults seemingly choose to not grow up, isn't it?

[The Girls' Mom]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I would never tell her these things...she is a nice woman. And I admire her for putting up with my dad :lol: Just the fake familial bond thing gets to me sometimes. She's very lovey dovey online, but I have always gotten the impression that she doesn't like me very much in person.

 

And this could be because of the fact that she came into my father's life at a time that I was struggling A LOT with my feelings toward him. My mother had just passed away and I was pregnant with my first child after 2 losses. I picked that time, wisely or not, to let my dad know exactly how I felt about his crummy fathering during my childhood. I'm sure that wasn't the best first impression of me.

 

Eh, guess I'll just pass the virtual bean dip on FB, and keep things status quo in person.

[beaners]

No advice, just commiseration. My parents divorced when I was a kid and my mom got remarried years later to an old college friend. She remarried the same year I got married. It was awkward. My mom was always trying to have us talk on the phone to him and telling me how much he liked being a grandparent to my kids etc. But it was very fake and neither my brother or I were ever comfortable with him. I have other friends who have wonderful step parents, but my mom is just into the fake facade.

 

 

Huh. I could have written this.

[Amy in NH]

BTDT, but I don't consider her my step-mother. A step-mother implies a mothering relationship. FWIW, she doesn't have ANY children at all, so that might make it easier for her to not try to assume a mothering role with my sister and me.

 

She is my father's wife, and as such, she is a very nice person.