for anyone interested....... (dd and swim)

[Denisemomof4]

I hate to keep bringing this up but because everyone has been so helpful and kind, I wanted to share a letter (be forewarned - a LONG letter!) I sent out early this morning. I have had trouble sleeping all week. My dd has been sleeping in my room and I keep looking over at her sweet little face, horrified that three people found it easy to treat such a loving and generous spirit so horribly, let alone a very sick and weak kid. I finally cried for a few hours and this letter ended up being my therapy session. I have not decided whether or not I will be attending the meeting on Thursday, but this letter gets everything out in a clear and concise way. Yes, there are some mistakes, but I had been up all night crying and I was positively DRAINED.

 

Dd is having fun and spending the night at her best friend's house, someone who struggles with her own health (metabolic) issue, and I am leaving shortly to have an evening away with friends. I'm so glad we can get this off of our mind.

 

 

Anyway, here it is for those of you interested:

 

L - head coach, started last fall

B - b*tch coach

C - " " was dd's coach first two years before B became her coach

K - bully brat, daughter of B

 

 

Dear L,

 

This is going to be long, so please bear with me.

 

This week has been an incredibly emotional week for R and I both. R is so passionate about synchronized swim and this was a sport she always wanted to be involved in. She thought she would be swimming at a minimum through high school, but she also has talked about finding a college where she could continue on with synchro. You yourself noticed enough to comment last year how happy she was to be there. I'm glad you noticed that. To have her have to give it up in the way she has been forced to has been heartbreaking for me, and confusing for her.

 

I have not communicated clearly to you all the issues that we have had with swim. I did not want to cause problems, and I didn't want to make the situation worse for R while she was there. So please forgive me for not being more clear about what she experienced.

 

L, I was told that you would be fully informed of R's medical condition. I hope you had been when you started coaching last year. R has a condition called Vasovagal Syncope as well as low blood pressure. Vasovagal syncope is a form of Dysautonomia and is very rare. While the condition is not life threatening, it IS life altering. After seeing two specialists so far (still waiting to see two more) and speaking to even more, I believe what she is experiencing now is still a part of this condition. Since her symptoms are new, as in the weakness and shortness of breath have never been experienced before, certainly not at a noticeable level, I did not think it was related to this condition. I've spent the week doing my research and even speaking with a mom from the UK, and on forums, and I am confident that this is what is going on. Unfortunately, it is common for kids to start to have a worsening of symptoms as puberty approaches, and thankfully they dramatically reduce by late teens/early twenties. Basically, her veins in her legs dialate and all the blood rushes to them. This causes there not to be enough blood and oxygen for her brain, which causes her lungs and heart to slow down dramatically, which causes all the other symptoms she has, including her near fainting spells. We are lucky that her heart and lungs do restart on their own, and this is because R has learned when she needs to stop and take a break because she's not feeling well. She has learned when she has to lie down, and now I know that we have to hold her legs up to get the blood to go back to her organs. We are aware of what some of her triggers are, and overheating, extreme temperature changes, not being properly hydrated, not eating enough or at proper timing, being fatigued, STRESS, are among the known triggers for anyone with this disorder, and these are known triggers for R.

 

HIVE FRIENDS: I included the explanation above just in case the other two coaches never informed L like they told me they would when she started last fall.

[Denisemomof4]

I have a "paper trail" of emails I've shared back and forth with C and B. Both were fully aware of what was going on with R. C was her coach at the time we started to investigate these issues, and C and B both knew R had issues with both the extremely cold water at the Goffstown YMCA, and I have an email where even B noted the bluish tint to R's entire face, not just her lips. I've also had numerous conversations with C about R's condition, my frustration over not having gotten answers or diagnosis' (7 years and 9 doctors later we got the Vasovagal diagnosis which I shared with both B and C) etc. There were times when she was weak and had to get out of the pool back then, although rare, and even then there were issues with C allowing her to get out, even though I had made it clear that she needed. to. I finally got to the point where I got angry with R and told her she is NOT to listen to Miss C, she is to listen to ME, her mother. If she was weak or too cold to continue on, she was ordered by me to get out of the pool or else she would have to leave synchro. The reason this happened? One night when the heater to the pool was broken, R was in the pool far too long. She wanted to get out but C wouldn't let her. She kept telling her to push through it, keep moving and it would help, etc. By the end of the class, R was very sick, could barely walk, her entire face was blue, and she was shaking like a leaf. I don't have to tell you that she has NO body fat. It was obvious that she needed to get out of the pool. Other parents noted how awful she looked. C wouldn't allow it. Being a younger child at the time, R wasn't going to defy an adult, so she stayed in the pool. Sitting in the balcony, I didn't realize the seriousness of the issue at the time. R was SO weak and sick from C's recklessness that I not only had to hold/support her to get her out to the locker room, but I also had to help her dress and she had to lean on me for strength to get her out to the car. By the time we pulled into our driveway, with heat seat on and the heater fully blasting, she was so weak that I had to carry her into the house and up to her bed, and she had a severe, pounding migraine as a result. This is really when I should have filed a complaint. I did not. Instead, I told C that she could NOT make R stay in the pool if it was too cold. C caused my daughter to suffer needlessly, and this is only the FIRST time she made her sick.

 

The second time C caused R to needlessly suffer and get sick was last year at the competition down at Wheaton. I think C just think's R is picky and perhaps spoiled, high maintenance, needing to get out of the pool at times (which I'm sure you can admit that until this year, it was very seldom) needing to eat more than other kids, etc. C should have realized it was a necessity to eat, take breaks, etc. especially since she has a daughter with diabetes and a good friend who's kid has seizures. C knew the doctor's were suspecting seizures with R, and she had numerous conversations with me about it, even offering up her friend's name and phone number so that I could speak with another mother who had a kid with seizures. Because of all the emails and conversations I've shared with her, she just should have known better that R was more frail than the other kids and did have special needs, which really were only hydration, which C and B both helped to encourage, regular eating, which I have always been careful about, not staying in cold water, and now taking breaks when necessary. C's actions, or lack thereof, can only be considered due to ignorance (which I find it difficult to believe since she was fully informed of R's issues) or a total lack of concern which kept her behavior with R completely reckless. At the competition at Wheaton last year, R made it clear that she needed to eat. The girls were NOT in the pool, and they had already swam their first competition. By the time R was allowed to finally leave the team to come see me, she was quite near the stage where she would faint. Why? C wouldn't allow her to come to me to get some food. R was shaking like a leaf, her face was as pale as a ghost, and she was very, very sick and weak. A parent sitting by me, who I will keep anonymous for now because I've not discussed this situation with her, could clearly see how weak and sick R was. She was also very concerned. R quickly shoved all kinds of food down her throat and I got her some pizza. She recovered after eating. This is the SECOND time C caused R to be sick. Could she really not see that R was struggling? This mother I was sitting by could and she inquired about R upon my return. I'm certain she won't admit to noticing anything, even with a diabetic daughter herself, but just about ANYBODY could. Even her teammates were concerned, asking her if she was ok, etc. THIS girl and THAT one (named) were both concerned for R, asked if she was ok, etc. K never expressed concern, neither did B or C. Two young teammates were sensitive enough to see my daughter struggling, but her coaches and the child who bullied my daughter for the past year ignored her.

 

The THIRD time C jeopardized R's health and safety was on Monday, this after I sent out an email to all THREE of you coaches stating my concern for R's lack of strength, her inability to keep up with the team, and letting you all know that she NEEDED to take breaks if she was too weak. I hope it makes sense now why I made it clear that she NEEDED to be let out of the pool, because in the past, my requests were ignored and R's safety was seriously jeopardized. The only coach who showed an ounce of concern for R this year was you, L. You were wonderful with her. Thank you for being so kind, and thank you for allowing her to rest and for checking in on her. Despite my request to all three of you coaches to let R rest when she needed to, C pushed R on, even though it was obvious to the naked eye that she was struggling. I'm sure one of you coaches heard of or saw me crying up in the balcony. Many of the moms were expressing their concern for R and noted her weakness. It was obvious. Still, C pressed R on and had the nerve to tell me she needs to push through these things. She told R to practice her scull layout, sending her to the middle of the DEEP END of the pool even though R was weak and resting at the side of the pool. C did this even though she had NO confidence in the life guard who was on that night, making a snide remark to me about how useless he was. I'm sorry, I don't remember the exact words she used because I was so distraught, but she clearly conveyed that she had no confidence in this life guard and yet sent my weak and struggling daughter to the middle of the deep end to press on, to work through it, etc. When R continued to struggle, C sternly and rudely told R to do her work or get out of the pool. That was the end of R's evening, and the end of R's synchro career. I can NOT send her back to the hostile environment she experienced, and I can not leave her with two coaches I clearly can't trust, who have NO concern for Rose's health, and who enabled one coach's daughters to bully my kid for over a year.

[Denisemomof4]

I have noticed a pattern with C that I have kept quiet for years. C will say one thing and behave one way with the kids, then she will run to the parents at the end of the evening to give her side of the story. Many times R has told me that C lied, and many times I overlooked. But on Monday evening I caught C in her lie. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I was able to hear what was going on that night. Was it unusually quiet? I don't remember. Anyway, I heard how C spoke to R. She was rude and she was harsh. When C rushed to me at the end of the night to give her incorrect recollection of the evening, I asked her if she was upset with R She said no, not at all. I told her that she sounded like she was upset with R, and when R came to speak to me, she shooed R away. When I spoke to R as we were leaving, yes, C was harsh and she was rude. I knew I had heard right but I wasn't going to press the issue with C without speaking to R first. Also I pointed out to C that she was wrong to press R to continue on, and that she needed to STOP this. C went on making excuses for herself, trying to justify her actions that night. I was so disturbed that I can't tell you exactly what she said, I had to end the conversation.

 

Do you both understand how heartbreaking it was to see my daughter treated in such a manner while being so sick? I will be filing a formal complaint after this is all done. The treatment R received by C and B was deplorable, the treatment K gave R was deplorable, and these three people did so KNOWING my daughter was sick, weak and struggling. I don't know how some people can face themselves in the mirror. They also did so in a manner which was sneaky and below the radar so they could keep you, L, oblivious to it all.

 

L, I can completely understand how this was off the radar for you. Not only did I not clearly communicate the issues for fear of retaliation, which R expressed this concern early on and her fear proved to be warranted, but C, B and K are very good at what they do. They know exactly when they can strike because every single time they have, you have been occupied. I've shared that concern with you recently when we had our first meeting. I had noticed the pattern. R had issues every single night with either B or K, and every single time she told me about them I would ask, where was Miss L? You were always busy or distracted every single time, working with a teammate, getting something for the team, etc. I can completely understand why you had no idea this was going on, and you stated so when we met. You also said that there were absolutely NO concerns or issues with R that you knew of. Last year I was spoken to twice about her talking too much during stretching, but you noted that those issues were fully resolved. You knew of absolutely NO concerns with R this year, and expressed your complete shock when I contacted you. I can understand how all of this has taken place. Please take note of it. I hope you won't face this again in the future.

 

I can also understand how you could not see the issues between K and R. K is also very good at what she does, and she will never let her true colors be shown in your presence. I have seen her demeanor change when she realized an adult was present more than once. Her demeanor changed and her act started. I told B about this last year when she tried to tell me that K had caused no issues with R. K has been a source of stress for R for over a year now. I will be listing all the issues we've had with her shortly, but I must address the seriousness of the issue she caused on Monday. I am assuming you did not see her attack on R, because it was clearly obvious to anyone watching that what she did was absolutely DELIBERATE and there is ZERO chance that it was an accident. I watched K THREE TIMES swim right up on top of R until her kick board was at R's upper back. She had her goggles on. She saw what she was doing and she knew exactly what she was doing. I watched R turn around and tell K to stop, I heard her tell K to stop, and I watched K continue on with with a vengeance. That's when I left the balcony to run downstairs and get R out of the pool. R later told me she thought that K was trying to force R to stay under the water. It was serious enough that R could not catch her breath because K would not allow her up. I jumped out of the balcony and ran downstairs. My glasses and papers fell to the balcony and my urgency caused concern for the parents up in the balcony, one which also witnessed this act. In all of R's years of swimming I have never once done this. But Monday, it was a CLEAR safety issue and K had no intention of stopping. By the time R had gotten out of the water, she was turning behind and splashing K to try to get K to stop plowing into her, and K continued on with her forcefulness, AGAIN, fully knowing R is struggling this year. I witnessed this entire thing and I am saying with absolute certainty that this was a deliberate act on K's part, again knowing that R has been weak and not able to partake in swim as she has in previous years. Could it be possible that none of the coaches witnessed this? It's hard to believe but do I know that another parent also clearly saw my concern and watched the entire thing. I have not discussed this with her and haven't decided whether or not I'm going to.

 

I am certain K will deny all of this, and I am certain that if B watched this, she will also deny this. I have noticed the pattern. Just because K is a coach's daughter she has been allowed to get away with this type of bullying. It should not be so.

 

I must point out the fact that R never once had an issue with a teammate until she was swimming with K last year. Although Elizabeth was a source of stress for her and always had mean comments for her, Elizabeth does that regularly to all people. R knows this, I know this, I've seen this in many settings now. But no behavior issues were EVER brought to my attention before B was R's coach. Yes, R has focus issues. I've made that clear, I've fully explained this, I've been sympathetic with the coaches because I understand the frustration. L, you were attuned enough to see that R simply HAD to be moving around to be able to focus on what was being taught or said. You said yourself that anyone who knew R knew that it wasn't a behavior issue and it was something she couldn't help. While her diagnosis DOES cause cognitive and focus issues, being a teacher in the public school system, I'm sure you've noticed that R struggles with ADHD. You said you had no issue at all with R's having to be in constant motion. Because B and C are so militant, I believe they expect perfection and absolute focus, and I do think both have viewed R's having to wiggle and move as a behavioral issue. R has gotten harshly spoken to because of this, I've heard her get yelled at by both B AND C through the years because of it, etc. This is why I've tried to speak of her focus issues so many times.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Denisemomof4

[Denisemomof4]

Again, no issues with R until she started to swim with K last year. K regularly would set R up to get into trouble. She would tell her to do or not do something, and then when R complied or didn't, she'd get out of the pool to tell her mother of the issue. I witnessed this many, many times myself, and I also witnessed many, many times where B automatically took K's word as an accurate accounting, never even gave R a chance to speak, and immediately got angry with R. This went on for MONTHS before I brought it to B's attention last year, and by the time I finally did go to B, Rose was distraught because things had gotten out of hand. Another issue was that K kept bossing R around, and when R didn't listen to K, K would go tell B and again, B would get angry and reprimand R. This happened COUNTLESS times. When I tried to talk to B last year, she immediately turned everything into a R issue, R was disrespectful to the team, R was this, R was that. I finally made it CLEAR that I wanted NO orders to be given by K, a CHILD, and I wanted K to be respectful to R. I had to keep drilling my point until B finally took note. I can understand why there may have been one issue where R didn't listen to Emily, the team captain, she had too many bossy people speaking to her harshly. I guess there was one time that R was excited to go see her dad and didn't listen to Emily. This is the ONLY time I've heard of disrespect on R's part. It surprised me to hear this, because R is not a mean spirited or disrespectful person. However, R was under a tremendous amount of stress and pressure because of B and K. She NEVER should have had to take orders from a child her age regardless of the fact the the child had swam for a year or two longer than R. Being the coach's daughter does NOT give the daughter the right to boss other kids around. More than one team mate HAS noticed how bossy K is and have made comments about it to R and other people.

 

R was regularly set up by K to get in trouble last year. Also, Ks constant comments of how slow she is, can she get in front of her, cutting in front of her in the line, just blatant disrespect, should not have been allowed to go on as long as it did. One place I do think you failed, L, was when I recently asked that K be kept away from R. After I requested this, K approached R every single evening simply to press her buttons and to continue gnawing away at her. It has been wearing R down, on top of everything else. K would leave her place of stretching to move by R to work out. She was too often allowed to swim right by R, continuing on with her biting comments. Over and over I saw K by R. I question why R wasn't allowed the same respect to have some space between her and K, the space and respect Elise was allowed when she was bullied by Abby. I know you all were very respectful of Elise's situation, and I clearly saw you all keep Abby away from Elise. I don't understand why this couldn't happen with R. Is it because she is the coach's daughter? I'm sure this is a big part of the reason why. By the time I said something to you, I had had to complain about K too many times. NOT TO YOU, but too many times altogether. I know that I only spoke to you twice, Monday evening being the second time. I also think it was a horrendous mistake to award K in front of the entire team for her good behavior and for being so kind and respectful to the entire team, fully knowing what she had done to R last year. B looked me straight in the eye as you read this award, doting on the child who had bullied my kid. This enabled her and empowered her and her bullying returned with a vengeance this year. Nobody cared to help R with this.

 

As I have already stated, B's harsh treatment of R was noticed by more than one team member this year. One girl was so concerned that she had her mother call me to tell me what she was concerned about because I was home with a migraine that night. On more than one occasion, B would not allow Rose to get out of the pool to go to the bathroom. Other teammates would ask to go to the restroom after R, and they were allowed. This was noted by a teammate. Another thing that Rose complained about to me, and was also noted by the team mate, was that R simply was not allowed to get out of the pool at all by B. This same girl told her mother that it was obvious that B didn't like R. It disturbed this child to see R treated so harshly. Again,R was not allowed out of the pool, this after I sent a note out to the three of you. (On a side note, I have saved many of the emails I reference in this note and will be forwarding them corroborate my story.) When R was doing her figures, B's demeanor and tone changed clearly when she was dealing with R. This, too, was noted by another teammate. It was obvious to another child, other than my own, that B clearly didn't like R.

 

On top of her decline in health, all of this has been very difficult for R to deal with. She was subjected to hostility and bullying, her safety was jeopardized more than once, and a coach caused her to become ill twice. Because of all of this I will be filing a formal complaint. I will be checking into proper procedure, and I want people in authority beyond aquatics to understand exactly what happened to my daughter.

 

L, I want to say again that you have been fantastic with R, and she has adored you since the day you began coaching the team. She is going to miss you, and she is going to miss the team. Mostly, she is going to miss synchronized swim, something she is so passionate about. Even if her strength returns next year, which I fully expect since her symptoms seem to come for a few months and then disappear for 3 - 3.5 years, I can't allow her to return to the team. The hostility she was subjected to by B, C and K are too great, they chipped away at her self esteem, and her safety was seriously jeopardized on more than one occasion. R understands it's no longer a safe environment for her. She understands that I have full confidence that you have her best interest at hand, that you are concerned for her well being and safety, and that I would have no issue entrusting her to your guidance and care. She also understands that it will never be a safe place for her to be left in the care of C or B, and that I simply can not allow them to allow or inflict harm on her again. Knowing that you can't be fully responsible for R, I will be withdrawing our membership from the YMCA and R's passion of synchronized swim has been forced to an end. Words can't even begin to express how difficult this has been for R. She doesn't want to leave a sport she absolutely loves. The trauma of watching K and C be so harsh and mean with R on Monday, knowing how weak and sick she is, can't begin to be quantified. This entire week has been an emotional roller coaster ride. I don't know how to comfort R about the loss of her sport. She thought she would be able to return when she regained her strength, but that simply can not happen because of everything I've stated here.

 

I am not sure if we will be moving forward with the meeting on Thursday. This entire situation has been very traumatic on R and I both. We have enough to deal with just to allow R to heal emotionally and let her dream go. It's very hard for me to understand how anybody could treat a sick child the way C, B and K did. I just don't know if I want to expend anymore energy into discussion at this point but I will most definitely be moving forward with the complaints against C and B.

 

I wish you the best of luck, L.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

 

HIVE FRIENDS, I know this is way too long and I know there are a few things I should have left out. This will leave no stone unturned, no questions, etc. I'm happy with the letter in it's entirety, and it was extremely therapeutic to write it.

 

I got some wonderful tips and advice, but I decided to go with suggestions to write it all out (I was going to do it in bullets and do more discussing)but I was so distraught last night and wanted to end this.

 

I'm leaning towards not meeting with the coach/supervisor this week but will make that decision once they respond to my book. I mean letter.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Denisemomof4

[Jenny in Florida]

I'm so sorry about your daughter's experiences. It's painful to watch them struggle with something they love that just isn't working, and it's even more awful when the adults who are supposed to be helping and nurturing them seem to go out of their way to make it worse.

 

I hope your letter gets the attention it deserves and that your daughter finds peace with the situation.

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think this letter was much better than your previous one because it gives concrete examples. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I do think that you need to read the posts here to remove names that inadvertently got left in at times.

[LaxMom]

Me, too. It's just horrible that a b#&^ coach can so totally destroy something she found such joy in.

[Guest Katia]

Denise,

This letter is excellent and I think you should send it in it's entirety. I'm so sorry for the way these people have treated your daughter. It makes my heart hurt.....mostly because it's just WRONG, but also because my own little girl (19yo) suffered a broken arm that required surgery this semester at college (and neither my husband nor I was able to fly out to be with her), was in pain and trying to do-it-all on her own, alone, and wondering if her career (she is a piano major) was over....and if that wasn't enough, her nasty roommate decided to bully and harass her. What is wrong with people? Do some people just enjoy overpowering those who are weak and in need? Obviously, the answer is yes. But, to do that to such a young girl as your daughter...and so very sick......Oh.My. Goodness!

I'm sorry it was your daughter; and I'm sorry it was my daughter. You are doing the right thing to address the issue so completely and not to let it go. These people should be held accountable for their deplorable actions. They are sick, sick, sick.

I pray that both you and your daughter will be able to find peace in your lives, and that she will find something that she loves even more than swim.

:grouphug:

[clementine]

Wow. Seeing it all typed out in its entirety is just unreal. I, too, think you should send the whole letter. At this point you have nothing to lose by laying it all out. It will make you feel better and make them fully aware of everything.

 

You have gotten screwed and it sucks when the bad guys win.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

Denise,

This letter is excellent and I think you should send it in it's entirety. I'm so sorry for the way these people have treated your daughter.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

Have you already sent this or were you asking for input?

[bookfiend]

Send it to L and anyone over her. Is there a board for this team? Is the pool that they use public or private? They should be alerted to the dangerous practice taking place on their property.

 

I say Stomp Your Feet until you are heard and help another little girl avoid the same treatment.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

It's very good to type it out. One thing though, their behavior was reprehensible even if your daughter had been healthy.

and you will want to do some editing where names were mistakenly left in.

[TranquilMind]

Again, no issues with R until she started to swim with K last year. K regularly would set R up to get into trouble. She would tell her to do or not do something, and then when R complied or didn't, she'd get out of the pool to tell her mother of the issue. I witnessed this many, many times myself, and I also witnessed many, many times where B automatically took K's word as an accurate accounting, never even gave R a chance to speak, and immediately got angry with R. This went on for MONTHS before I brought it to B's attention last year, and by the time I finally did go to B, Rose was distraught because things had gotten out of hand. Another issue was that K kept bossing R around, and when R didn't listen to K, K would go tell B and again, B would get angry and reprimand R. This happened COUNTLESS times. When I tried to talk to B last year, she immediately turned everything into a R issue, R was disrespectful to the team, R was this, R was that. I finally made it CLEAR that I wanted NO orders to be given by K, a CHILD, and I wanted K to be respectful to R. I had to keep drilling my point until B finally took note. I can understand why there may have been one issue where R didn't listen to Emily, the team captain, she had too many bossy people speaking to her harshly. I guess there was one time that R was excited to go see her dad and didn't listen to Emily. This is the ONLY time I've heard of disrespect on R's part. It surprised me to hear this, because R is not a mean spirited or disrespectful person (snip because can't post with a quote-too long)

 

 

On top of her decline in health, all of this has been very difficult for R to deal with. She was subjected to hostility and bullying, her safety was jeopardized more than once, and a coach caused her to become ill twice. Because of all of this I will be filing a formal complaint. I will be checking into proper procedure, and I want people in authority beyond aquatics to understand exactly what happened to my daughter.

 

 

I wish you the best of luck, L.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry for what your daughter has experienced and no child should ever be mistreated by coaches.

 

However, I don't think a letter like this will accomplish your objective, whether it is for your own daughter to be able to return and be treated appropriately, or to solve a similar problem should one arise with any other child.

 

It is far, far too long and emotional. It is the "vent letter" you write -and we have all done it - before you get down to business to write the actual letter, removing all of the distractions. It would have been more effective to simply stick to the facts. mostly in third person (which is how legal demand letters are written). "On this date, X occurred in violation of (whatever the swimming regulatory agency is) rules. (brief factual explanation, not you did this and she did that) On Xx/XX/XX, the following incident occurred....(explain). Add additional facts. My daughter has X condition (explain fully). This condition has caused her to have the following physical problems (explain). Her physical limitations have been misconstrued as diva behavior and my daughter has been labeled as high maintenance and difficult. Nothing could be further from the truth. Discriminatory behavior occurred at the following times (explain that other children were allowed bathroom breaks and other breaks and your child was not).

 

We requested (fill in what accommodations you requested). Said requests were not met (explain). Bullying has occurred on a repeated basis (Facts, dates). Her life was endangered when (fill in facts/dates) resulting in (fill in what medical treatment occurred as a result). We have no choice but to withdraw and regret that our daughter's physical needs were not considered in this program and trust that no other child will be bullied or endangered.

 

I think you are going to get the MEGO response here ("my eyes glazed over") with all of the emotional stuff and long, wordy, conversational sentences.

 

Just my opinion, but factual, direct letters with a specific goal tend to get better responses. All of the CAPITALIZED WORDS for EMPHASIS are not appropriate in formal writing, as they are in venting to friends.

 

Again, I'm sorry this happened, and I hope it is ok if I say this, even if only because you plan to file a formal complaint. If it looks like a serious complaint instead of appearing to be an emotional Mom vent, you will likely get more serious attention, as is appropriate.

 

I really do understand the temptation to vent, but as I always say to my kids and myself, "Keep your objective in mind".

[SueinNC]

:grouphug:

 

I really think it is rotten that these evil coaches are getting away with the treatment of your daughter. We are experiencing bullying on my dd's swim team too. I know how stressful it gets. Knowing that we are not alone, has been soothing for me. Seeing how you are trying to resolve the matter is inspirational to me. I agree with Tranquilmind. Keep a personal copy of your original letter for reference but re-write it in a legal business manner in the third person. Tranquilmind has outlined it perfectly.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Caledonia Academy

[StephanieZ]

Good for you for speaking out, and even more, for making the wise, brave choice to remove your daughter from that poisonous environment!

 

If I were you, I would not bother to attend future meetings unless they are part of some fact finding mission that the management/leadership of the organization is pursuing for the intent of removing these awful people from their roles and thereby protecting the other girls. I am sure they will find a new victim now that your daughter is gone, so *if* the leadership is interested in learning more in the hope of changing things, then I would cooperate. But, I would *not* be in a room with *any* of those *nasty* people again, ever, unless it was as a witness at a disciplinary or legal proceeding. NO CONVERSATIONS with them.

 

(((hugs))) and best wishes!

[Heather in AL]

Denise :grouphug: :grouphug:.

 

I have followed your swim stories since, I think, the beginning. I feel so sorry that your dd and you have gone through this. I am glad you wrote everything out in detail. That is very cathartic. It is also eye-opening to see it all laid out in one place.

 

I do agree that you should rework it a bit to be more succinct. Otherwise, you risk the reader skimming over important parts. I would definitely keep the longer letter... it will continue to act as therapy for you.

 

More :grouphug::grouphug:. I hope you feel the healing begin now that you have written it all down.

 

If there is nothing to be gained from future meetings, I would not bother to go. They will be an energy drain on you and cause you continued pain.

[Grover]

I agree with what was posted above - while this was probably a very cathartic process, it's not likely to be a useful thing to send off to the coach. A rework as suggested above may make it more likely you'll be heard.

[ChristineW]

I imagine writing that letter was cathartic. I do have a few questions for you especially if you are serious about following up with the complaint.

1. When and how did you inform the coaches about your daughter's medical condition. Have you ever submitted anything from the doctor regarding swim restrictions? After the cold pool incidents, what did you tell the coaches? Did you inform the doctor about the incidents? When did the episodes of weakness and shortness of breath begin? Given her medical condition right now, what is the doctor's opinion on R continuing to swim?

 

I'm asking because if you are going to argue that the coaches were reckless and endangered your daughter then you need to show that they were fully aware of your daughter's medical condition and the need for special accommodations--beyond your say-so. Also, that there was medical support for your daughter to continue on the team until her recent worsening of symptoms.

 

In regards to the bullying, I'd be very explicit about what B and K said and did. What harsh and belittling words did they use? Dates that the misconduct occurred. Document, document, document.

 

:grouphug:

[5kidsforME]

:confused:

 

Your daughter sounds like she is really sick. Why in the world is she even on the team at this point?

 

It sounds to me that you are putting a lot of blame on these coaches, now when you should have been a lot more forceful during this whole process.

 

Really, after reading (ok, sorry skimming, because let's be honest that was way to long) all of your letter, I think it was not very wise of you to keep her in swimming when she is obviously very sick.

 

ETA: Ok, went back and tried again to read the whole thing. Sigh, Skimmed it again, but got more info. First of all it stinks how your daughter was treated. I still stand by my above post. Also, sorry, but your letter comes off as very dramatic. (And I get that, you are her mom) It just does. I think you need to stick to the facts.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Momto4kids

[Little Nyssa]

First of all :grouphug:

I think the part you should leave out is where you mentioned how you have researched DD's condition, because online research & forums are not necessarily respectable...it leaves you sounding perhaps not quite credible, and the thing you are trying to avoid is being seen as a hysterical mom instead of someone having a good point. I would say, instead: the Dr.s say it is such-and-such, and it means such-and-such, and this was communicated to the leaders.

[lailasmum]

I'm glad you found a way to tie it all together in your head and then get it out.

 

Momto4kids my son has this condition and if kids are allowed to deal with any symptoms as they arise then they can often continue to take part in these sort of sports under supervision. The incidents when she was not allowed to eat or rest are big ones, she could likely have dealt with her symptoms and any risks associated easily without it rendering her so sick.

[BatmansWife]

I'm very sorry for all of this. :grouphug: I think the letter was good...I read each and every word. :001_smile:

 

In a perfect world.....B & C should be let go and K kicked off the team....but that's probably not how it's gonna happen. It's a travesty that R is the one that has to suffer and give up her dream. That just makes me steam.....why does the innocent one usually have to be the one to leave and stop doing something they love and the guilty ones possibly won't have to suffer any consequences at all??? :cursing: It seems to me that R was a target because they wanted her off the team.....and now they are getting their way. I really hope something is done to them once the formal complaint is made. Please keep us posted.

 

 

Good for you for speaking out, and even more, for making the wise, brave choice to remove your daughter from that poisonous environment!

 

If I were you, I would not bother to attend future meetings unless they are part of some fact finding mission that the management/leadership of the organization is pursuing for the intent of removing these awful people from their roles and thereby protecting the other girls. I am sure they will find a new victim now that your daughter is gone, so *if* the leadership is interested in learning more in the hope of changing things, then I would cooperate. But, I would *not* be in a room with *any* of those *nasty* people again, ever, unless it was as a witness at a disciplinary or legal proceeding. NO CONVERSATIONS with them.

 

(((hugs))) and best wishes!

 

:iagree:

If you do have to meet with them....there needs to be another person there to witness what takes place. Who that other person would be....I don't know.

[In the Rain]

Denise, I sent you a pm. :grouphug: