the evolving homemaker Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 This is my first question on the forum, but I am wondering how you all deal with homeschooling, plus your responsibilities to your friends. I feel as if many of my friends are annoyed that my schedule is busy and that I am not always available to get together. There are hobbies I enjoy trying too. People seem shocked and offended if I can't do something this week and have to schedule out. The reality is if one or two things come up in a week or someone has already asked me to dinner or something one of the nights, I can't get together. And our days are going SO much better now that I have not scheduled a bunch of play dates during the week. I feel too rushed if we have to hurry in the morning and hold the presses if the play date is at MY house...then I spend the day cleaning and not schooling. Just wondering what your thoughts are here. I am feeling a lot of guilt of not being what my friends need to be if I am what my family needs me to be...and what I need, like quiet time to myself too. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 are they homeschooling friends? Heck, right now I am looking to plan playdates in JANUARY. And my friends aren't available any sooner than I am, lol. :tongue_smilie: I schedule playdates for 2pm or later usually so we aren't rushed with school and even if we aren't done, at some point life has to happen. No old person ever said they wished they did more school. Most wish they had spent more time with people they loved and enjoyed. So set a time for your schooling and be available for friends who want to be with you all. If you say no all the time they will stop calling..... I am dumping school next week one day to go play with friends that we won't get to see again until February due to our opposite travel and schedules. if I didn't go next week the kids would be sad. It's one day. And sure, it throws off the week but it's time well spent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily_Grace Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I don't feel guilty. I do keep weekends open for friends and social time but during the week is usually a no-go unless planned way in advance. We follow a pretty simple routine in our house so it's easy for me to give my regrets but immediately follow with an offer to do something on ___day so they don't feel like I don't *want* to hang out, but that I do and want it enough to try to reschedule. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I just don't have that many friends. :tongue_smilie: Only one IRL, actually, and she's pretty busy too. I figure I'll worry about having friends in fifteen years or so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the evolving homemaker Posted November 11, 2011 Author Share Posted November 11, 2011 i understand. that is my fear, that they will stop calling. i love my friends and need them in my life. many are not homeschoolers actually and we school in the mornings, but then the kids have activities in the afternoons on T, W, TH i am taking a bee class on T night, my husband works on W nights, on TH the last two weeks I have gone out with friends. We went to a little girls piano recital on sunday and out to dinner with a friend who has surgery today. i am an introvert, i need rest in between bouts of business. my sister doesn't have friends that she has these responsibilities to. sometimes i get it. i wouldn't trade my friends for the world, but i just don't know how to balance it all at the moment. and feel a bit of sanity. ;) thanks for responding...i appreciate it! and i am glad to know others are busy too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm37 Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 This is my first question on the forum, but I am wondering how you all deal with homeschooling, plus your responsibilities to your friends. I feel as if many of my friends are annoyed that my schedule is busy and that I am not always available to get together. Just wondering what your thoughts are here. I am feeling a lot of guilt of not being what my friends need to be if I am what my family needs me to be...and what I need, like quiet time to myself too. :) I am going to tell you what I wish someone had told me years ago. It is inevitable that your friendships will change. You will need friends that move on with you, that cut you some slack, that don't NEED you all the time. If I had known this, I would have had less stress and certainly less drama. You will just have to let some people go. Bless them as they do! You will make new friends along the way. If you put all your energy into keeping old friendships, there won't be room for those new people. And they will come and go, too! I have had several "new best friends" along the way. Now that my kids are older, I am reconnecting with a few of those old friends. That's been fun! Remember that introverts only have so much relational energy anyway. Use it wisely. :) Blessings, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I am going to tell you what I wish someone had told me years ago. It is inevitable that your friendships will change.. Now that my kids are older, I am reconnecting with a few of those old friends. That's been fun! , I am at this stage in life. Now that my kids are older and all in school, I have more time to connect. I am re-connecting with a few friends that I have seen only sporatically over the years but we still have that bond and can jump right back in. I do have a very close friend now and while it won't work for you at your stage of life, it works for us. We tend not to sit and visit, have coffee, meet for lunch, etc. Instead we DO things together. This week we walked 4 miles, 4 different times. We both needed to exercise and that way we could exercise AND get in our chatting time all at once. We also do things like run errands together so that we chat along the way but we are still getting stuff done. We both have horses so we see the farrier and equine chiropractor together, often run to the feed store together, etc. you are wise though to guard your time and make sure that your dh gets plenty of your time as well. That is one area my friend has really encouraged me by her example is to take time for your husband and really communicate with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 During the years when all of my kids were young and I was homeschooling them all, it was all I could do to homeschool and get food on the table, AND, spend any extra "free" time with my husband.:) Any good friends I had were other homeschool moms, and we would get together at homeschool events -- that's about it! My other friends seemed to understand that it was a busy time in my life. When things started to slow down a little to a more manageable pace, often we had grown apart, or, maybe we'd pick up where we left off! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 (edited) It is inevitable that your friendships will change. You will need friends that move on with you, that cut you some slack, that don't NEED you all the time. If I had known this, I would have had less stress and certainly less drama. You will just have to let some people go. Bless them as they do! You will make new friends along the way. If you put all your energy into keeping old friendships, there won't be room for those new people. And they will come and go, too! I have had several "new best friends" along the way. :iagree: with this 100%. This is going to sound much harsher than I mean it to but the kind of friend who is frequently offended or irritated that I can't get together at the drop of a hat anymore isn't the kind of friendship I can maintain. I've got a friend right now who is like a walking pet peeve for this very reason. It's not going to work for us. And furthermore :tongue_smilie:, if I'm on the phone with someone and I say, "Oh, I really need to run. Can I call you back in a bit?" and they say, "Oh, but blah blah blah blah blah," they're not getting my priorities. And sorry, but they're my priorities. The friends who work for me are the ones to whom I can say, "Oh, I really need to run. Can I call you back in a bit?" and they say, "Oh, sure. Of course." Click. And I do likewise for them, because we are not the center of each others' existence. Can you tell I'm having lots of irritation right now about this issue? :lol: Now, if you are calling because your marriage is falling apart or if your mom is dying, you will immediately move up the priority ladder because that is the big stuff and I can explain to my family that a friend truly needed me for that time and sorry, but you're getting eggs and toast for dinner instead of pot roast. But if you're doing your daily gripe about life, it can wait. This is my first question on the forum, but I am wondering how you all deal with homeschooling, plus your responsibilities to your friends. I feel as if many of my friends are annoyed that my schedule is busy and that I am not always available to get together. There are hobbies I enjoy trying too. People seem shocked and offended if I can't do something this week and have to schedule out. The reality is if one or two things come up in a week or someone has already asked me to dinner or something one of the nights, I can't get together. And our days are going SO much better now that I have not scheduled a bunch of play dates during the week. I feel too rushed if we have to hurry in the morning and hold the presses if the play date is at MY house...then I spend the day cleaning and not schooling. Just wondering what your thoughts are here. I am feeling a lot of guilt of not being what my friends need to be if I am what my family needs me to be...and what I need, like quiet time to myself too. :) My family is my priority and I would not let guilt keep me from doing what is best for us all. As far as play dates go, I do find that getting together at parks frees up time too though. I don't have to spend any extra time cleaning up (before or after) and we still get the benefit of companionship. Edited November 11, 2011 by Alte Veste Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 This is my first question on the forum, but I am wondering how you all deal with homeschooling, plus your responsibilities to your friends. I feel as if many of my friends are annoyed that my schedule is busy and that I am not always available to get together. There are hobbies I enjoy trying too. People seem shocked and offended if I can't do something this week and have to schedule out. that is my fear, that they will stop calling. i love my friends and need them in my life. many are not homeschoolers actually I know how you feel. When my kids were babies/toddlers/preschoolers, I spent a lot more time visiting with friends during the day and talking with friends on the phone. Now I hardly ever do that. I just don't have the time anymore. Educating my kids has become a full-time job. And then I have to do householding on the side! :lol: I do currently have a few friends who come and visit me periodically when I am home in the evening without a vehicle, and it's not often enough to make me feel I can't recharge. Also, we get our families together periodically, and that's nice. Other than that, there is just not room in our family life for continual scheduled outings. I'm also at a point where I can see the end of the homeschooling tunnel. A few years ago it seemed as if I'd be doing this forever. Now I know I only have a few years left. So the lack of friend-get-togethers doesn't bother me as much as it did three or four years ago. I went through a period (long) when I felt lonely a lot of the time, esp. knowing that others in my social circles were getting together lots. It's only in the past year or two that I am finally being content about this aspect of this period of my life. I have sensed that annoyance from friends that you speak of. But some of my friends from that younger period of my life resurface close to me every so often, and when they do, it's nice. Those are the friends who are alright with meandering, probably because their lives are meandering, too. Raising children is just a busy time in life, period. And I'm no longer willing to hyper-schedule myself - I don't have the energy to run all the time (nor the money nor transportation, which I used to be dissatisfied with, but not much anymore). I also don't want my kids to think that life is all about running around with friends every spare moment. I want them to know how to relax and live their daily lives, while savouring the highlights that life presents. But it took me awhile to realize all this. :) You say a lot of your friends are not homeschoolers. I will gently say that some of them might just drift away if they just don't understand that, while you're not paid, this is your chosen job now and you have to prioritize it. But some of them might just stick around to see the homeschooling phase of your live evolve, and give you support and friendship. Those are the best kind of friends. I have some of those, too. Keep your eyes open for new friend possibilities that will mesh with this phase of your life. I've found a couple in the past few years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Just wondering what your thoughts are here. I am feeling a lot of guilt of not being what my friends need to be if I am what my family needs me to be...and what I need, like quiet time to myself too. :) Seriously, I only have friends who homeschool. I have a few old friends from pre-homeschool days, but we've all moved, so there are no demands on my time. I have no problems being in my insulated little world. I don't actively seek out hsing-only friends, or avoid non-hsing people. That's just my life right now--I meet people through hsing, and it's something we have in common. If someone were questioning my responsibilities and selfishly demanding more time than I had available, I would be questioning whether or not they were my true friend. They obviously have different priorities, and over time, our common likes and dislikes will take a backseat to what we each believe are important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 ALL of my friends know how busy I am and and recognize the pattern which shows that I have more time to socialize during the summer. I have many good friends who are homeschool moms themselves and are in the same predicament. My closest friends know all about my life anyway and never take it personally when a couple of months go by and we don't see each other. I have had friends who did NOT understand, but I am no longer in contact with them. Oh well.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 I've been working pretty hard on this issue. This is what is working right now: We have a weekly playdate, always at the same time, where I see two or three of my friends. I reserve one night each week for doing something with my friends. (My husband does the same.) Usually it's the same three friends, sometimes it's different people, and sometimes it works to combine friends who don't know each other. It works out especially well if friends hit it off and become more of one group than two totally distinct groups. If I take the kids to the park, I send out a text message to some friends reading, "We're headed to park x. If you're free and looking for something to do, we'd love to see you." Once every two or three months I'll set up a playdate with anyone we don't see very often but would like to maintain a friendship with. We go to many popular family events each year and touch base with a multitude of acquaintances at those. So that's 52 evenings, 52 weekly playdates, and 4-6 occasional playdates per year plus the things that we would do with or without friends. That's a lot of getting together and more than enough to maintain most friendships. Plus, there's email communication for interaction between face to face meetings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coffeemama Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Over my lifetime, different friendships have grown, changed, and faded away. It seems to me that this current homeschooling time is just another season of change...My current friends (both homeschooling and non) are just as busy as I am. Some I see only at kid activity related events, others walking through the neighborhood, and a few only at pre-planned events or parties. I am going away next weekend (scrapbooking :D) with one of my friends that I only see a few times a year even though we live only 30 minutes apart, but our schedules are very different. We keep up through email and phone calls every week or two. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 This is my first question on the forum, but I am wondering how you all deal with homeschooling, plus your responsibilities to your friends. I feel as if many of my friends are annoyed that my schedule is busy and that I am not always available to get together. There are hobbies I enjoy trying too. People seem shocked and offended if I can't do something this week and have to schedule out. The reality is if one or two things come up in a week or someone has already asked me to dinner or something one of the nights, I can't get together. And our days are going SO much better now that I have not scheduled a bunch of play dates during the week. I feel too rushed if we have to hurry in the morning and hold the presses if the play date is at MY house...then I spend the day cleaning and not schooling. Just wondering what your thoughts are here. I am feeling a lot of guilt of not being what my friends need to be if I am what my family needs me to be...and what I need, like quiet time to myself too. :) My experience? I lost the two really good friends I had. It was their way or no way so I said NO WAY! It was hard but I have established a couple of home school friend and although we don't get together very often we talk via email/face book, support one another, etc. I have come to realize that when a 'friend' expects me to put them, an adult, above my family, they really are not that valuable of a friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 My friends are as busy as I am. I have friends that homeschool and friends that don't. Friends that work and friends that are sahm. But the one thing we all have in common is that we are busy raising our families. It would really irritate me if my friends though I had responsibilities towards them. I have enough on my plate without adding more duties to the list. We get together when we can. We talk on the phone (I actually loathe the phone) when we do. I don't worry about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 (edited) I just don't have that many friends. :tongue_smilie: Only one IRL, actually, and she's pretty busy too. I figure I'll worry about having friends in fifteen years or so. -- Edited November 15, 2011 by butterflymommy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Life is too short for high maintenance friends. Friendships wax and wane. Sometimes, you have to let go of a friendship because you are no longer meeting each others needs. That is okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 You don't have "responsibilities" toward your friends at all. Your responsibility is your family. And yourself. Period. You see them when you can see them. If you can't, they should understand. If they get snippy about it and/or stop calling you, then maybe you're just growing apart...sometimes that happens. At the current time, I have very few non-homeschool friends and see those people rarely, here and there, when I can. They're understanding about it. Others, we've just drifted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I feel your pain. The thing I'm a bit sad about right now is that I don't have time to invest deeply into friends. I get together in groups and i enjoy that very much, but I have close to zero time to spend having dinner, coffee, talking and connecting. I have a very long mental list of people I want to spend some real face time with, but if I get time to do that with one friend, it is weeks and weeks before I can organize to make plans with another person. Boo. This is making me feel bad. Maybe I need to stop talking about it. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 You lost me at "responsibility towards friends." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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