Teens, texting/phone use and late night activity

[Halftime Hope]

Um, you can guess why I'm asking...:glare:

 

Assume you are setting boundaries for a 16 yo who has a very full life, lots of school work (bar set higher this year), extracurriculars and a part time job. IOW, the phone is not the only link to "a life."

 

What do you all do in your family?

 

Said teen says that none of the peers' parents care what is going on in their households. That surprises me, but before I circulate a questionnaire amongst IRL friends, causing all kinds of mortification and angst, I thought I'd ask here. :lol:

 

P.S. I should say that based on what I'm seeing, remembering that it takes two to conduct phone conversations, *some* other parents either do not care or are not aware.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Valerie(TX)

[fhjmom]

When step-DD was still under our roof, we had to implement a rule that the phone was not allowed in her room when she went to bed. We started this after we reviewed her phone usage on-line and found that she regularly texted at all hours of the night, usually with very short intervals in between, and I am talking *all night*. There was no way she was getting any useful amount of sleep. It was a struggle for her to let go of that 24/7 communication because she had a very close friend commit suicide and she felt like she "had to be there" for her friends. The problem with that is none of their all night texting is that important and they do not only limit it to emergencies (as if another teen friend is who they should be texting in an emergency anyway :tongue_smilie:). So we did put our foot down for sake of her own health and mood - but we had a lot of other issues we were dealing with, too.

[KidsHappen]

Natural consequences here. Better to learn in high school than in college or at work. IMHO, if mom and dad are always telling them what to do (in non-life threatening situations) then what are they going to do when mom and dad aren't there anymore? There is a time to learn these sort of things and IMO 16 is a good time to start. JMO YMMV

[regentrude]

As long as DD is in her room, she can choose when she wants to sleep. School starts at 8am, no matter how long she stayed up. So, the occasional late night will lead to earlier bedtime the next evening. My kids have been self-regulating their sleeping time for many years.

I need a lot of sleep and am usually in bed before them.

 

DD often skypes or at night, more than texting.

Edited October 24, 2011 by regentrude

[TravelingChris]

I had to check other. I don't need to have that much control over dd with phones because she doesn't use it hardly at all. She has no friends here and she uses facebook and email to communicate with her friends from all the other places she has lived. If there was a problem, I would restrict access to the phone. In terms of bedtime, she usually goes to bed either at the same time as us or earlier. She rarely stays up too late. One night last week, I went to bed earlier since I was not feeling well and she ended up falling asleep with the light on. She was reading a book she really wanted to keep reading. That is much more the kind of thing she does right now. She is almost 15.

[Cheryl in NM]

Um, you can guess why I'm asking...:glare:

 

Assume you are setting boundaries for a 16 yo who has a very full life, lots of school work (bar set higher this year), extracurriculars and a part time job. IOW, the phone is not the only link to "a life."

 

What do you all do in your family?

 

Said teen says that none of the peers' parents care what is going on in their households. That surprises me, but before I circulate a questionnaire amongst IRL friends, causing all kinds of mortification and angst, I thought I'd ask here. :lol:

 

P.S. I should say that based on what I'm seeing, remembering that it takes two to conduct phone conversations, *some* other parents either do not care or are not aware.

 

Ds 15 turns off his phone and laptop and sets them on the dining room table at 10pm. If he is late the amount of time he is late is deducted from the next night. If he is late 2 nights in a row he loses the laptop and phone for the entire next day. We offer no reminders, he's 15, he needs to learn to pay attention to the clock and his obligations.

 

Ds is not allowed to use phone or laptop (unless it's for school) until 3pm or schoolwork is done.

 

Ds knows that we will check phone and laptop for usage outside of approved hours and that he will lose privileges. He had a cell phone a few years ago and lost it because he didn't follow the rules. It took 2 years to earn his cell phone back. He lost internet access for a year because he didn't follow the rules. This time around he's had his laptop and internet access for a year and has followed the rules. He's had a phone again for 3 months and has followed all rules.

 

I should also say that if Ds's grades drop below a C he loses extra-curricular activities and outside of the house socialization. If his grades drop after those restrictions are imposed he loses phone and laptop. He currently doesn't have a job because adjusting to high school level work has been more challenging than he thought. He hasn't been enrolled in driver's ed yet, even though he's old enough, because his grades have not been above a C until recently. If his grades are below a C because he's trying and works hard but just doesn't understand then we make allowances. So far, the case has been laziness because the work is challenging this year, but not out of his grasp.

 

HTH! :)

[regentrude]

Assume you are setting boundaries for a 16 yo who has a very full life, lots of school work (bar set higher this year), extracurriculars and a part time job. IOW, the phone is not the only link to "a life."

.

 

Just a thought: with all his activities, school and work, does he have any time OTHER than late at night to just chat with his friends whom he does not see during work/extracurriculars?

My DD is very involved with riding; she does school till 3, has choir twice a week, goes out to the barn in the afternoon and often comes home not until late. She would not have any time during the day to chat with her best friend.

[angel marie]

Ds 15 turns off his phone and laptop and sets them on the dining room table at 10pm. If he is late the amount of time he is late is deducted from the next night. If he is late 2 nights in a row he loses the laptop and phone for the entire next day. We offer no reminders, he's 15, he needs to learn to pay attention to the clock and his obligations.

 

Ds is not allowed to use phone or laptop (unless it's for school) until 3pm or schoolwork is done.

 

Ds knows that we will check phone and laptop for usage outside of approved hours and that he will lose privileges. He had a cell phone a few years ago and lost it because he didn't follow the rules. It took 2 years to earn his cell phone back. He lost internet access for a year because he didn't follow the rules. This time around he's had his laptop and internet access for a year and has followed the rules. He's had a phone again for 3 months and has followed all rules.

 

I should also say that if Ds's grades drop below a C he loses extra-curricular activities and outside of the house socialization. If his grades drop after those restrictions are imposed he loses phone and laptop. He currently doesn't have a job because adjusting to high school level work has been more challenging than he thought. He hasn't been enrolled in driver's ed yet, even though he's old enough, because his grades have not been above a C until recently. If his grades are below a C because he's trying and works hard but just doesn't understand then we make allowances. So far, the case has been laziness because the work is challenging this year, but not out of his grasp.

 

HTH! :)

 

we have to do things similar to what you do at our house. wish we didn't, but we do. son wouldn't listen unless we have the reigns tight. we have to watch the internet and what he views like a hawk. we have spyware on his computer. he knows its on there. he doesn't have a phone right now. the phones are a pain because they all have internet accesss and i have to turn his off with the wireless company. i am always checking to make sure he didn't figure out my code to access it. i know that some kids listen to their parents without all of these restrictions. i'm really jealous. BUT some of these parents think nothing is going on and have no idea what their teens are doing and if they did they would be horrified. i am ready for the phase of child-rearing to be over with. it is really hard!!

[Virg]

DSS 15 has to be monitored constantly. He does not learn from natural consequences.

 

DS11s self-monitor and we haven't had an issue, yet anyway.

[Unicorn.]

Just like the house phone, we expect the cell not to be used after 9. I know from other parents that they expect the same. I checked no set bedtime, because w/ ds, bedtime depends on when he finishes his homework. Usually between 11pm and 1am.

[higginszoo]

Mine are still young teens/tweens, so we haven't had actual issues yet.

Electronics (phones and iPods) are expected to be in their chargers downstairs in the dining room or home office overnight. They are generally to be used in the common areas of the house, as there shouldn't be anything to hide. Right now, they're still on a common phone (which also cuts down on 'private' communication -- they do have the same group of friends), but they'll likely be buying their own before long.

They also still have expected bedtimes. We tried lifting the guideline, but found that they weren't ready to make good time management decisions in that area yet. By 16, I'd hope not to have to monitor that, but the keeping the phones, etc. in common areas probably will stay.

[DesertDweller]

As long as DD is in her room, she can choose when she wants to sleep. School starts at 8am, no matter how long she stayed up. So, the occasional late night will lead to earlier bedtime the next evening. My kids have been self-regulating their sleeping time for many years.

I need a lot of sleep and am usually in bed before them.

 

DD often skypes or at night, more than texting.

 

:iagree: This is us except for our start time varies depending if dd has outside classes or will be at home. On the two days she has classes, she is up anywhere from 5:30-6:30am depending on if she has some homework to finish. She usually gets herself up accordingly, so it is her loss if she decides to stay up too late. I believe in natural consequences. She's old enough at this point to find out that it's not fun to be exhausted all day. And yes, she'll usually either nap at some point or go to bed early if needed.

[PinkInTheBlue]

We have had experience in these areas, unfortunately. On weekdays all electronics are plugged into chargers in the kitchen by 9. No texting, calling or Touches after 9. No phones or Touches in the rooms when it's time to go to bed. It took several nights of "Goodnight guys. Remember to plug everything in the kitchen." :) Bedtime for the 5 year old is pretty consistent but we a general bedtme for the big boys is 10 unless we stay up and watch an episode of Frasier with them. (we've been going through the seasons)

 

Oh, same rule for weekends except the time is 10.

[Crissy]

I am a rather strict parent. I expect phoning and texting to end before a set bedtime.

When I don't feel as if my rules are being followed, the phone spends several nights on *my* night stand so as to remove any temptation. Same goes for netbooks and iPods. :D

 

I feel strongly about teens getting plenty of sleep.

 

ETA: This used to be the case for my older teen. He is 17 now and chooses his own bedtime and manages his own phone habits (and is quite reasonable about both). These particular rules now only apply to the 12yo.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Crissy

[Amy in NH]

I answered with the first and last choices because a) my kids don't have phones, and even if they did we don't have cell service at our house, and b) we have had to address a similar issue with regards to computer use. We require them to be off the computer at 11pm and lights out by midnight, and we do check and enforce it.

[RoughCollie]

All electronics are off at 9:30 PM on school nights, and at midnight on weekends and holidays. This includes the home phone, unless I give special permission.

 

The kids don't have a set bedtime, but three of them catch a bus at 7 a.m., and this gives them time to unwind and shut down their brains for sleep.

 

I turn off the internet to everyone's computers via my router. This is a router my kids insisted I buy because it is more powerful. I discovered the minimal parental controls on it, and use them.

Edited October 24, 2011 by RoughCollie

[amy g.]

I have a 17 and 15 year old who do not have bedtimes or times when they can not phone or text.

 

We have never had any problems with their phone/testing behavior. Neither have we ever had trouble with their not getting school work done on time.

 

I said that I am not a strict parent. I try to only make very few rules, but I never neglect to follow through on those few rules, so I don't have any problems with their minding me.

 

I tell them to be prudent and polite with their cell phones. If they make a mistake, we would talk about it. If they disobeyed me, I'd take away their phone permanently. If they ever used the computer in a way that was breaking our house rules, I'd kill the Internet to the house. They know I will, so they don't dare try.

[Amber in SJ]

This is me hopping on my soap box...

 

I have a 17yodd and a 14yo dd. 17yo got her first phone at 15. I have had many long conversations with other parents about cell phones and texting & the trouble that kids can get into. At our house the cell phones have to be plugged in at the charging station (not in a bedroom) at 9:30pm. Laptops and other computers are not allowed in bedrooms without special permission. The 17yo does not have a set bedtime but she does have a 6am class so that is pretty self-regulating.

 

Texting in particular creates a false sense of intimacy between kids. They will say things in text that they would never say to the other person's face. Because they do not have the face-to-face social cues they miss the line when they have gone too far & shared too much. Girls in particular are likely to respond to the emotional intimacy:

 

"He knows everything about me, and loves me."

"He knows all my hopes and dreams."

 

It is a short step from there to physical intimacy. Some boys are astute enough to know this.

 

We tell our kids that we can read their texts at anytime. We rarely do this because it is mind-numbingly boring, but we have been known to randomly read. Dd has been glad to use this as an excuse. One of her friends asked her to text a boy that she had been forbidden to text by the boy's mother and then forward the boy's texts on. All dd had to say was, "I can't. My parents might read my texts." Surprisingly, even though dd calls us the stalker-parents to her friends she has had at least one say, "At least they care."

 

I know some kids that have been caught sending naked pictures or sexts. I tell my dd that if she is ready to share that level of intimacy with a boy then she can do it in person, if she is too embarrassed, then she is not ready. I know a couple kids who got into the habit of "sleeping together" by cell phone. They would lie in bed and talk until they fell asleep. Often their conversations would be inappropriate. When they were on actual dates they felt light years beyond the usual dinner and a movie.

 

My dd has occasionally accused me of making rules as I go along and I freely admit to that because the technology is changing so fast.

 

I will get off my soap box now, but I think texting is one of those things that can be misused and get out of hand quickly.

 

Amber in SJ

[BMW]

I consider myself firm with boundaries... The boys have a set time to stay in their rooms and right now bedtime is set for 9pm (ages 12 and 15). They do not ever balk. They are pretty busy. When the older one gets to be about 16-1/2 he'll still have to stay in his room after 9pm, but I wont set his bed time from then on, unless he has failing grades at school or crosses the line in some other area (it's leverage....). If his grades are bad (currently they are) he loses his x-box cord (xbox is on his desk in his room). The next step will be taking the phone away outside of going to school and arriving home hours.... I randomly ask for his phone and check times of calls and he is told not to call anyone after 9pm. If he does, he'll have to check in his phone with us at bedtime... Let me clarify that, if he LIES about it, I would do that. If he tells me the truth, I'd just tell him not to and let it go unless it were quite late....

 

Anyway...