Help handling unwanted attention

[jplain]

I need to channel some wise and assertive women. I've reluctantly concluded that I have an admirer, and I'm at a loss for how to handle it.

 

He's probably 5-10 years older than me, and recently started attending my church. He was introduced to lots of people, including myself, at a church potluck. He commented on my appearance (compared me to an actress), and this was briefly the subject of conversation among the people sitting near me. For me it was flattering and at the same time uncomfortable, but nothing I can't brush off. However, something about it made me seek out DH and attach myself to him for the rest of the evening, in order to broadcast that I am not single.

 

Fast forward to church service, which DH does not attend. This man stopped me as I was attempting to leave the service, greeted me by name, and again complimented me on my appearance. One kid was dragging me by the arm, in a hurry to leave, so the conversation ended quickly. Again, just a little disconcerting. I could chalk it up to social awkwardness, and perhaps relief at seeing a familiar face in a crowd.

 

Since then we haven't talked, beyond exchanging hellos if we cross paths. However, I am aware that he watches me during and after the service. Casual glances around the room after the service give me the impression that he makes no effort to converse with anyone during the social half hour. He sits or stands by himself somewhere in the hall, looking in my direction. Is he attempting to make eye contact? Is he hoping I'll notice and walk over to talk? Or does he want me to be aware of his attention? Am I being paranoid? I'm not sure.

 

I don't know how to handle this. I think I'd be fine with him initiating a conversation (sans compliments), or even sitting near me during service so we could chat before or after. As an introvert, I understand and remember how hard it is to begin attending a new church. I'm not opposed to approaching him to strike up a conversation after service, but I wonder if it could be misconstrued.

 

Not doing anything is making me feel passive, which is unlike me. Should I assert myself in some way, and if so, how? DH is in the loop, but has no useful advice for me. I don't (yet) want to pester DH to attend services with me, as it isn't his thing and I respect that. Our church's minister is a woman, and I'm sure she'd empathize with my discomfort. I'm thinking about talking to her. I'm also going to check out Gavin de Becker's first book to re-read/skim. I'm reluctant to share my observations and feelings with friends at church, because it feels too close to gossip.

 

I don't feel threatened. I'm just weirded out, and hugely annoyed by how much I'm ruminating on it.

Any thoughts/advice/experiences?

Edited September 6, 2011 by jplain

[WishboneDawn]

You're not being passive, you're actively not acting (:)) on his signals. That's fine. He hasn't asked you out or said anything suggestive so what exactly can you do or say?

[jplain]

You're not being passive, you're actively not acting (:)) on his signals. That's fine. He hasn't asked you out or said anything suggestive so what exactly can you do or say?

DH said if it was him, he'd march over and ask "Why are you staring at me?"

I told him, thanks, but I just can't see myself doing that. :D

[----]

.

[Pink Fairy]

Ewwww. Awkward. I don't know what I'd do either, but I would be weirded out by that too. :grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

DH said if it was him, he'd march over and ask "Why are you staring at me?"

I told him, thanks, but I just can't see myself doing that. :D

 

Maybe you could ask your DH to attend church a couple of time so HE can march over and say, "Why are you staring at my wife?" :D

[Mrs Mungo]

Nothing he's done seems to be inappropriate to me, just socially awkward. I'd let it alone.

 

:iagree:

[melissel]

DH said if it was him, he'd march over and ask "Why are you staring at me?"

I told him, thanks, but I just can't see myself doing that. :D

 

:lol:

 

Personally, I would ask DH to go to church with me, at least for awhile. And my DH would be just annoyed enough that he would want to do it, to make the statement. IMO, it seems the simplest way to get the point across, without embarrassing yourself or the guy (if he has the wrong idea, rather than nefarious intentions). If attention continued beyond that, then I'd consider what needed to be done.

 

In reality, he may just think you're pretty and it amazes him how much you look like someone else. He may just like looking at you. Regardless, I wouldn't strike up a conversation with him at all or give him any reason to think you're anything more than polite toward him. If he's giving off the wrong vibe, then avoid him. It's OK to do that, even in church :tongue_smilie:

[elise1mds]

I have no idea what sort of church you attend or how large it is, but if you have an elder or other person of authority that you can go to, not necessarily the pastor, I would give him or her a heads-up. If the church is small and the pastor handles those sorts of things, I'd say something to her. If you feel uncomfortable, that's a problem, and it sounds like someone needs to give this guy a nudge to participate in more than just a staring contest at the back of your head.

[swellmomma]

The only time I have faced something like that was because the guy had aspergers and really didn't know better. I knew he did before he showed behaviour like that (I was at a autism/aspergers support group to learn more about it when ds was Dx for a while on the spectrum). I told him that his staring was creepy. That if he wanted to speak to me he could come over and talk to me, but to stop staring from across the room. That said you could tell that his staring was out of sinister thoughts, I never felt uncomfortable, just thought it was creepy kwim.

 

In your case, if if feels like that be up front and tell him to stop staring, and if he gives another compliment say something like "Thanks my husband thinks that too". If on the otherhand it sets your spidey senses tingling, and it seems like something different than social awkwardness than I would speak with the pastor about it, and not be alone with him anywhere. Did he start going to this church on his own, or did someone bring him that first time?

[jplain]

It did occur to me that I might remind him of someone. I alternately stared at and avoided a guy in my freshman college dorm, because he looked and sounded very much like someone I knew in high school. Eventually I decided to befriend him, because I figured that knowing him better would make the similarities fade in comparison to the differences. And it did. :)

 

I'm acquainted with several adults with Asperger's, and I'm not getting that vibe, though I know AS is much more diverse than my experiences.

 

Did he start going to this church on his own, or did someone bring him that first time?

As far as I can tell, he doesn't have any friends at church. That's not unusual for newcomers, as my church attracts lots of seekers.

 

If he's giving off the wrong vibe, then avoid him. It's OK to do that, even in church :tongue_smilie:

That's helpful. I think I needed to hear that. My congregation makes an effort to be friendly and welcoming, but that doesn't mean that I personally need to be friendly with everyone.

[twoforjoy]

Nothing he's done seems to be inappropriate to me, just socially awkward. I'd let it alone.

 

I agree. I'd imagine that maybe he initially thought you were single, and maybe now feels even more awkward given that he was flirting with you and you're married.

 

I wouldn't attempt to engage him socially, though. If he is somebody who isn't very socially attuned, he could take that the wrong way, and then you'll be in an even more awkward situation.

 

I'd probably just consider him kind of weird but harmless--I've known lots of guys like that (for whatever reason, I've always seemed to attract that type)--and ignore him. As politely as possible, of course. ;)

 

If you have that kind of relationship with your pastor, maybe you can mention the situation to her, but more in terms of "This guy seems kind of lonely, maybe you can talk to him/introduce him to some men in the congregation he'd get along with/invite him to a group or class or activity" than in terms of "This guy is weird and creepy" (even if he is).

[In The Great White North]

Personally, I would ask DH to go to church with me, at least for awhile.

 

:iagree:

[AuntieM]

If you have that kind of relationship with your pastor, maybe you can mention the situation to her, but more in terms of "This guy seems kind of lonely, maybe you can talk to him/introduce him to some men in the congregation he'd get along with/invite him to a group or class or activity" than in terms of "This guy is weird and creepy" (even if he is).

 

This is a very kind road to take. Hopefully pastor will also connect the unspoken dots and keep a closer eye on things. And if indeed there is a problem down the road, there's been a previous mention of such a possibility.

 

I would also ask DH to go with me next week. And be wary of new guy. You just don't know anything about him, really, so be careful.

[Alicia64]

Ewwww. Awkward. I don't know what I'd do either, but I would be weirded out by that too. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: I'd trust your gut. Times ten. A guy was once doing this to me at work. It sounds like it would be flattering, but it was just weird. Higher up women figured out what was happening and had a "chat" with him and it stopped.

 

I think there are men like this who don't care at all that you're married. He may not actually want to pursue anything. Some of these guys like this kind of annoying interaction that leads to nothing. If you wanted something or were desperate for his attention and pursued him -- he'd turn off. A friend's husband did this to a woman. My friend was of course livid to both her dh and her ex friend. But the dh had gotten the ball rolling believe me.

 

Maybe you could purchase a giant fake diamond ring -- and wear it to church.

 

I would avoid, avoid, avoid.

 

Alley

[tntgoodwin]

Maybe he is just attracted to you? Take it as a compliment. :)

[mcconnellboys]

I believe I would tell my minister what you just told us and ask her to try to notice if she sees the same things you see (i.e., him watching you). Perhaps you're mistaken - and by that I mean that I *hope* you are mistaken, because if you aren't then I'd be worried....

[gaillardia]

Maybe he is just attracted to you? Take it as a compliment. :)

Inappropriate and socially rude, dude. :glare:

[JennifersLost]

Trust yourself. Ask your husband to attend church with you a few times, and be "lovey" to your husband. Not inappropriately so - since it is church :) - but hold hands, stand close, put a hand on your dh's arm and look at your dh's face often - all signs that you are deeply in love your husband and not interested.

 

Meanwhile, show no interest in the other man. He'll move on soon if there's absolutely no reciprocation at all.

 

It is too easy for a man who shows up in the same situations as you and gives you attention to find a chink in your marital armor. You and your dh may have no issues at all right now, but if you inadvertently encourage this man he's going to wait for that moment that you and dh have a fight, or you feel lonely or down.....some guys are experts at this.

 

Nip it in the bud right now.

[HS Mom in NC]

I was being photographed by someone at church a few years ago.

 

Several years ago at my former church one of the men started taking photos during the service after we moved into our new building. That was odd. The only other time anyone took photos was for the website it was by the guy in charge of the website and he always asked permission of the musicians (I was one of them) after the service if we would be willing to stage a photo like were playing during the service so there could be a few pictures on the "Music Ministry" page. That was not weird.

 

Well, later this man started taking photos during the service including photos of the musicians while we were playing. No one asked him to. He was not in charge of the website. Then my husband started keeping track of who/what was being photographed. It turned out it was mostly me.

 

The church staff put a note in the bulletin that photography was not allowed during the service. It stopped him for about a month, and then he started right back up.

 

I finally emailed all the elders the same email explaining that I was not comfortable with being photographed by anyone and asked them how they recommend it be handled. I also specifically stated in the email that this man had never said or done anything inappropriate otherwise.

 

The elder in charge of music said he would take care of it. He spoke with the man and asked him why he was taking photos during the service. (Let's face it, that should have happened from the beginning without my prompting, but we left that church this year due to leadership needing its hand held all the time in a myriad of ways.) The man said he was the "church historian." (There was no such official position in that church and never has been.) The elder explained that photography should not happen during the service and that any time anyone was photographed it should only be if they give their permission. The elder explained that I was not comfortable being photographed and under no circumstances should he take another photo of me. That put an end to it.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

Ewwww. Awkward. I don't know what I'd do either, but I would be weirded out by that too.

 

 

:iagree: I'd probably ask dh to come to church with me...... :confused:

[jplain]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I really appreciate hearing the full range of opinions.

 

If you have that kind of relationship with your pastor, maybe you can mention the situation to her, but more in terms of "This guy seems kind of lonely, maybe you can talk to him/introduce him to some men in the congregation he'd get along with/invite him to a group or class or activity" than in terms of "This guy is weird and creepy" (even if he is).

Oh definitely. I wouldn't characterize anyone as creepy without having a lot of insight into motivation and intention. And I know and love many weird people. :tongue_smilie:

 

Personally, I would ask DH to go to church with me, at least for awhile.

I'm still reluctant to make DH go with me, because he wouldn't enjoy it, and it would take away his alone time. Starting this month, I'll be teaching 2-3 weeks a month, so I'll be leaving with the kids about 20 minutes into the service. That should cut down on any staring. But DH does attend church social events, and I'll let him know to expect lovey behavior at them in the future. :001_wub:

 

I think there are men like this who don't care at all that you're married. He may not actually want to pursue anything. Some of these guys like this kind of annoying interaction that leads to nothing.

It is too easy for a man who shows up in the same situations as you and gives you attention to find a chink in your marital armor. You and your dh may have no issues at all right now, but if you inadvertently encourage this man he's going to wait for that moment that you and dh have a fight, or you feel lonely or down.....some guys are experts at this.

Yes, these kinds of intentions are my concern. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it, because for goodness' sake, we're at church! Admittedly, it is a liberal church, but not that liberal. ;)

 

I had a knee-jerk outraged response to the idea that someone might find a weakness in my marriage, but then I thought about it for a while, and changed my mind. I appreciate the reminder. I'm confident in the strength of my marriage and my commitment to my husband. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't also be careful of myself and those around me.

Edited September 7, 2011 by jplain

[fairfarmhand]

 

I had a knee-jerk outraged response to the idea that someone might find a weakness in my marriage, but then I thought about it for a while, and changed my mind. I appreciate the reminder. I'm confident in the strength of my marriage and my commitment to my husband. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't also be careful of myself and those around me.

 

 

definitely wisdom speaking here. I try to keep in mind that better Christians than me have been totally tripped up by the enemy. he is really good at what he does.