Momzilla writes a nasty note to her soon to be DIL

[dcjlkplus3]

Another one who is not feeling the love for the bride.

 

Forwarding private messages to third parties without a darn good reason to do so (think abuse, security issues, etc.) is a HUGE, HUGE faux pas and I am afraid that it only proves the MIL's point - that the bride's adherence to certain tacit societal norms is significantly less than ideal. In my view it is a MUCH more serious thing than any kind of personal frustration email her MIL might have send and that should have been met with eye rolling and private giggling between the young couple, and then blissfully ignored, if one is so positive that there is no merit whatsoever in any comment received.

 

I would actually, I were in the groom's shoes, rethink if I want to marry somebody whose self-control regarding involving third parties in family issues is so obviously so low that it is really debatable whether they could be trusted in some situations which matter a lot more than "who is being more rude and why" type of questions which arise now. These little everyday reactions show a lot about a person. It is an incredible lack of class to consciously bring about a situation which is going to create a media spectacle of a family member for something so silly, especially if it is about the family you are being married into. Airing the family's dirty lundry in public is a NO, NO, NO, under any circumstances which are not legally problematic (and those that are legally problematic should also be solved by other means and in private first), and involving your friends into it if they cannot be trusted is another huge NO, and even when they can be trusted, forwarding messages is just... NO.

 

 

One of my best friends lives in another state, if I had gotten an email like that it would have been far easier to send it to her to discuss with her than it would be to read it to her. I don't think there is anything wrong with forwarding a personal email to my friends and I wouldn't want to put anything in writing, email or paper, that I wouldn't want others to see. Even a personel letter can be seen by others if it is picked up, you just never know.

[Ester Maria]

We see family issues talked about all of the time here. My MIL did this, she is crazy. Can you believe this crazy situation with my ex? Wow, wait until you hear what my SIL did, how would you react?

 

I've vented to and/or asked advice from friends on *many* family matters. I would not consider that making it public fodder. Her friends who passed on the email did that. And yes, I would be incredibly upset at those friends.

But we do not post confidential messages here (I go with the assumption that every email / PM / letter is confidential and only between the sender and the recipient, unless explicitly told otherwise). And even if we vent, we tone it down a little by leaving out many details. For example, I can imagine a vent about this situation to a friend, even with paraphrasing some details, but actually forwarding it so the other persons owns their copy would be wrong. In most cases I would consider it wrong to even show it to one's spouse, but in situations like this I can understand why being upset or feeling that it concerns both would lead to that.

[Jennifer3141]

Wow. This whole thing is crazy awkward. The DIL sounds like a real peach. (Bad table manners freak me out but I don't know if this was bad table manners... Did the DIL eat something because her blood sugar was too low?) The MIL... what did she hope to accomplish by sending this email?

 

The wedding in a castle thing... not knowing their finances, maybe the MIL is right. There are so many stupid people in the world right now who want the perfect wedding, whether they can afford it or not.

 

Whoever forwarded that email to the press would be on my poop list!!

[Aggie]

No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

 

When my 14yodd heard this statement, she said,

 

"One of the 10 things you never hear a redneck say.":lol::lol:

[mommaduck]

But we do not post confidential messages here (I go with the assumption that every email / PM / letter is confidential and only between the sender and the recipient, unless explicitly told otherwise). And even if we vent, we tone it down a little by leaving out many details. For example, I can imagine a vent about this situation to a friend, even with paraphrasing some details, but actually forwarding it so the other persons owns their copy would be wrong. In most cases I would consider it wrong to even show it to one's spouse, but in situations like this I can understand why being upset or feeling that it concerns both would lead to that.

 

Disagree. Unless it was a professional confidentiality issue (medical, legal, etc), then if I share something with a friend, the confidentiality clause does not extend to their spouse; I would never expect a friend to keep something from their spouse. Their relationship and communication is much more sacred than mine with them.

Edited July 1, 2011 by mommaduck

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I agree that the friends are to blame. Yikes.

 

IMVHO, here is where MIL went wrong:

 

1. She seems to think she's the first woman to ever realize her future DIL has no class and her son doesn't care. (That second bit is probably what really bothers her.)

 

2. She didn't read all of Miss Manners' book, or else she would have learned that...

a. calling someone out on their rudeness is more rude

b. you can't raise adults, but if you are polite you might be allowed some influence over the grandchildren.

 

What did she hope to gain? Did she really think a young woman would say, "Oh, thank you, Mumsy. I shall enroll my shabby self in a finishing school at once, before I embarrass your family further." Certainly not! A girl capable of that kind of response would have already been taught table manners at the least.

 

On the DIL's side, I would be mortified to realize I'd been such an oaf, but I would also be steeling myself to keep my future children away from MIL. That's if I decided to go ahead and marry a man whose mother had so little compunction about scolding me.

[mommaduck]

I agree that the friends are to blame. Yikes.

 

IMVHO, here is where MIL went wrong:

 

1. She seems to think she's the first woman to ever realize her future DIL has no class and her son doesn't care. (That second bit is probably what really bothers her.)

 

2. She didn't read all of Miss Manners' book, or else she would have learned that...

a. calling someone out on their rudeness is more rude

b. you can't raise adults, but if you are polite you might be allowed some influence over the grandchildren.

 

What did she hope to gain? Did she really think a young woman would say, "Oh, thank you, Mumsy. I shall enroll my shabby self in a finishing school at once, before I embarrass your family further." Certainly not! A girl capable of that kind of response would have already been taught table manners at the least.

 

On the DIL's side, I would be mortified to realize I'd been such an oaf, but I would also be steeling myself to keep my future children away from MIL. That's if I decided to go ahead and marry a man whose mother had so little compunction about scolding me.

 

:iagree:

 

I'm curious as to what his response was. None of the articles say.

[LG Gone Wild]

No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

 

When my 14yodd heard this statement, she said,

 

"One of the 10 things you never hear a redneck say.":lol::lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

[Impish]

That's assuming that there was actually anything wrong with the dil's table manners. I don't know, given the criticism about her having diabetes, that its a valid assumption.

[Rebecca VA]

The plot thickens:

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2009881/Carolyn-Bourne-email-Fury-bride-Heidi-Witherss-father.html

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

The MIL said the future DIL's behavior left her dog feeling depressed and anxious. :lol:

 

Run, Heidi, run! If you must take Freddie with you, move to New Zealand forever!

[Ester Maria]

if I share something with a friend, the confidentiality clause does not extend to their spouse; I would never expect a friend to keep something from their spouse. Their relationship and communication is much more sacred than mine with them.

I understand that there are people who feel this way, however, for me, that is just an additional caveat not to share with them what is going on in my life - or, if I do, to significantly tone it down. The moment I have to "overthink" things when venting to a friend out of fear it might reach third parties is the moment in which I start feeling uncomfortable in that relationship, so not a good choice for close friendships for me. I understand that there are exceptional situations, though - sometimes it occurs rather naturally that the spouse gets involved or picks too many hints and sometimes it really is a good idea to involve them - but as a general rule of the thumb, I prefer knowing that what is between me and somebody else is between me and that somebody else, and nobody else.

[mommaduck]

I understand that there are people who feel this way, however, for me, that is just an additional caveat not to share with them what is going on in my life - or, if I do, to significantly tone it down. The moment I have to "overthink" things when venting to a friend out of fear it might reach third parties is the moment in which I start feeling uncomfortable in that relationship, so not a good choice for close friendships for me. I understand that there are exceptional situations, though - sometimes it occurs rather naturally that the spouse gets involved or picks too many hints and sometimes it really is a good idea to involve them - but as a general rule of the thumb, I prefer knowing that what is between me and somebody else is between me and that somebody else, and nobody else.

If that friend has a spouse that I don't trust, then generally that friend is not in my inner circle (and naturally will only have information that I don't mind if their spouse knows about and not more than that).

[Jennifer3141]

I think it's utterly amazing that these people's lives are possibly forever changed because of this email now. We're going to keep getting stories about them until they are married and then in 2 years' time or whatever, there will be an update to the story about the pregnant DIL of Momzilla or whatever...

 

I would cut my MIL out of my life for that alone. Yikes.

[Impish]

The plot thickens:

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2009881/Carolyn-Bourne-email-Fury-bride-Heidi-Witherss-father.html

The article answered something that I'd been wondering.

 

She's been the step mother for only 7 yrs, marrying the dad when the groom was 22. Certainly NOT involved in raising him,etc.

 

Therefore, imo, she had absolutely NO right what so ever to comment on his future bride. None. Coming into a family w/grown children, you do not have the right to assume a parenting role, let alone the insane role she's assumed. Friend, absolutely...but no friend would dare comment on a future bride's manners the way she has.

[Mrs Mungo]

Therefore, imo, she had absolutely NO right what so ever to comment on his future bride. None. Coming into a family w/grown children, you do not have the right to assume a parenting role, let alone the insane role she's assumed. Friend, absolutely...but no friend would dare comment on a future bride's manners the way she has.

 

:iagree:

[Laura Corin]

If I weren't Catholic, I would have gotten married in a castle! I think that would be really cool!

 

Oh, wait...that must mean I'm a vulgar American... :lol:

 

My British sister's getting married in a castle next week. These vulgar ill-educated people who manage to get degrees from both Oxford and Cambridge and work as museum curators!

 

Laura

[melissel]

No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

 

When my 14yodd heard this statement, she said,

 

"One of the 10 things you never hear a redneck say.":lol::lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I think it's utterly amazing that these people's lives are possibly forever changed because of this email now. We're going to keep getting stories about them until they are married and then in 2 years' time or whatever, there will be an update to the story about the pregnant DIL of Momzilla or whatever...

 

I would cut my MIL out of my life for that alone. Yikes.

 

I bet $100 that that awful woman has a book deal within six months--something about straight talk on manners for today's ladettes.

[LG Gone Wild]

The article answered something that I'd been wondering.

 

She's been the step mother for only 7 yrs, marrying the dad when the groom was 22. Certainly NOT involved in raising him,etc.

 

Therefore, imo, she had absolutely NO right what so ever to comment on his future bride. None. Coming into a family w/grown children, you do not have the right to assume a parenting role, let alone the insane role she's assumed. Friend, absolutely...but no friend would dare comment on a future bride's manners the way she has.

 

Good point. DIL's dad was funny. I won't repeat what he said.

[mommaduck]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

 

 

I bet $100 that that awful woman has a book deal within six months--something about straight talk on manners for today's ladettes.

 

How about a book on how she went from Ladette to almost a Lady herself ;) (sorry, but with that email, she's not quite there yet)

[mommaduck]

Good point. DIL's dad was funny. I won't repeat what he said.

 

I like him LOL! But then, I'm pretty down to earth and like people that don't have delusions of grandeur.

 

The grooms father looks like a likeable person as well.

[Trish]

"Marry Freddy." What an infantile idea. What a heartless,

wicked, brainless thing to do. But she'll regret, she'll

regret it. It's doomed before they even take the vow!

 

[sung]

I can see her now, Mrs. Freddy Eynsford-Hill

In a wretched little flat above a store.

I can see her now, not a penny in the till,

And a bill collector beating at the door.

She'll try to teach the things I taught her,

~ From: My Fair Lady

[kitten18]

The article answered something that I'd been wondering.

 

She's been the step mother for only 7 yrs, marrying the dad when the groom was 22. Certainly NOT involved in raising him,etc.

 

Therefore, imo, she had absolutely NO right what so ever to comment on his future bride. None. Coming into a family w/grown children, you do not have the right to assume a parenting role, let alone the insane role she's assumed. Friend, absolutely...but no friend would dare comment on a future bride's manners the way she has.

I agree. Yikes.

[Anne in CA]

I have been thinking about this off and on all afternoon. I think "Momzilla" is an alpha b#### making sure that the new addition to the pack knows that she is at the end of the pack. At the age of 64 she knew that the email would not change anyone, only alienate them. She wanted to make the new girl know that even the feelings of her dog were more important than the feelings of her new dil.

 

As to whether or not the actual incidents of bad behavior happened the way "Momzilla" says they did is not the issue. She would have picked different ones or made some up to justify her email. It isn't like she just typed up the email to vent and accidently pushed send. She sent it three times.

 

I think it would have been wrong to let her get away with this in secret. Bullys always pull their stuff when no one is looking. This bully has such a high level of arrogance that she didn't think she would be caught. I think it is great that she did.