I Kissed Dating Goodbye

[catalinakel]

I'm reading through this right now, and plan to go through it with the kids. Any tips, warnings, advice? I am pleasantly pleased with the honesty and comprehensiveness, so far. But trust you girls to help me see things I may miss. Thanks.

[raceNzanesmom]

My teen and I enjoyed this book. We used it and Beautifully and Wonderfully Made as our "health" credit.

[tntgoodwin]

There is an interesting article in the latest WORLD magazine about college students who have been impacted in different ways by I Kissed Dating Goodbye...

http://www.worldmag.com/articles/18064

[Bootsie]

I have not read the book, but I work with some college students who read the book and said that it had an extremely positive impact on them. These young women are awesome and wonderful role models for my daughter, so I respect their opinion.

 

On another note, Josh Harris's younger brothers wrote a book "Do Hard Things" that has had an amazing impact on my dd and our family. We even used the book as part of our Sunday School lesson for a combined high school/adult class yesterday and it went over very well.

[lmkzbcb]

There is an interesting article in the latest WORLD magazine about college students who have been impacted in different ways by I Kissed Dating Goodbye...

http://www.worldmag.com/articles/18064

 

That was a good article. Thanks for posting. It touched on some aspects I had not thought about.

[LisaKinVA]

Excellent article... I attended an evangelical univerisity in the late 80's, and I didn't get asked out. But, boy-howdy did all of those guys who DIDN'T ask me out sure got bent out of shape when they found out I was dating a midshipman. It was all, "What? we aren't "good enough" for you?"

 

Right now, I'm trying to teach my oldest son to think of girls as human beings (so that he is comfortable talking to them...), but we are rapidly approaching an age that it is going to become more difficult.

 

There is a book called, Finding the Love of Your Life that we will be reading, and going through with our children (along with others). But with THIS book, we want our son to look at himself and look at what type of person he's looking for. It's not about who's the prettiest, or most godly...it's about who suits him, and what traits he's looking for.

[Britomart]

I went to a Christian university when that book was a very big deal, so I saw a lot of friends try to act out its principles. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it really didn't.

 

I think there's a lot of good stuff in there about guarding your heart and being discerning as you head towards marriage. But I also saw friends run into problems because they either couldn't get into relationships (if you're not sure you want to marry the fellow, you can't get to get to know him at all) or because they were in a relationship but not critical enough about it (either because they had no experience to compare it to or because the idea of starting the whole courtship over was impossible).

 

So, I think those are things to consider when looking at that book. (This is coming, btw, from someone who believes in the traditional Christian virtue of chastity, and did back in college too.) It can work - I've seen it work - but I've also seen it fail. I think, like most systems, it should be taken critically, because some of it will work for you and some of it won't, depending on personality, situation, etc.

[Liz CA]

I think this would describe the dilemma of many. I applaud any material that advocates staying out of the typical dating mess, however I personally think a different approach to dating would work as well. Date many people - just redefine dating as NOT moving full force ahead but a movie, a walk in the park, meeting for a cup of coffee/whatever. This way you can field out the ones you are interested in and those you realize you could not spend a whole day with. :001_smile:

[texasmama]

I read the book and gave it to my teen dd to read. Although I don't know that she will never "date", I think the points made in the book are very good ones. I found myself crying in different parts, remembering my own extensive dating experience beginning at a very young age which did nothing truly positive for me and caused a lot of heartache. If nothing else, it is a great springboard for discussion between teens and parents.

[Cindy in C-ville]

I went to a Christian university when that book was a very big deal, so I saw a lot of friends try to act out its principles. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it really didn't.

 

I think there's a lot of good stuff in there about guarding your heart and being discerning as you head towards marriage. But I also saw friends run into problems because they either couldn't get into relationships (if you're not sure you want to marry the fellow, you can't get to get to know him at all) or because they were in a relationship but not critical enough about it (either because they had no experience to compare it to or because the idea of starting the whole courtship over was impossible).

 

So, I think those are things to consider when looking at that book. (This is coming, btw, from someone who believes in the traditional Christian virtue of chastity, and did back in college too.) It can work - I've seen it work - but I've also seen it fail. I think, like most systems, it should be taken critically, because some of it will work for you and some of it won't, depending on personality, situation, etc.

 

Dh and I have been advocates for the "I Kissed Dating Good-bye" sort of way to have male/female relationships. And, for the most part, we still line up with it. However, I do think there's some balance and something to be said for good old-fashioned dating - legitimate dating with family involvement, navigating feelings, working through disappointment, establishing and protecting physical boundaries, exercising self-control and self-constraint, etc. Boundaries in Dating by Cloud and Townsend was very helpful. We're working with our daughters on establishing their principles to enable them to move toward intrinsically being motivated to purity for God's glory and ultimately their joy.

 

I think the key is not to buy into someone else's praxis of biblical principles without first getting the biblical principles firmly rooted in your head and heart. If you come to a point where you truly believe in courtship, fantastic. But, if you've bought into it b/c of your parents, the circles around you, etc., then you might end up resentful, bitter, etc. I've come to face the fact that one of the reasons that this courtship model was so attractive to me was b/c of my own failure. I didn't want my daughters (or sons) to have to walk the same paths that I did and face the heartache that I did b/c of poor dating choices. I still hope they make much better choices than I did, but that their choices will arise from hearts that belong fully to Christ, rather than from fear or rules.

[LinRTX]

Cindy

 

This is a beautiful post! Thank you. I live in a courtship only world and I'm not sure I agree with it. I want my daughters to be friends with guys and not see every guy as their future husband. I want them to go into a dating relationship with wide open eyes and a heart focused on God. I wish I could easily explain what I mean, but I think your post really does.

 

By the way, my son was entering the "dating age" when "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" came out. Al the courting only die hards made him run the other way. He refuses to even look at someone that is courtship only. To him (he is 25), a girl at 23 should not be looking at her dad to approve the choice.

 

Linda

[abidnginhim]

Thanks for this post. I have been wondering about this book.

[mom2g2b]

My oldest child is a dd age 16. She has a boyfriend, and I'm okay with it. We read through I Kissed Dating Goodbye and another of his books about how he met his wife.

 

When she was 12/13 we worked through Passport to Purity and one of the activites was setting standards about how far you would go physically. I've reminded her of that and since this is a long distance relationship I'm not too worried at this point. They only see each other once/twice a month.

 

I think there comes a time when you have to trust you child, their maturity, and ability to make decisions. They need to get to know the opposite sex without it having to be so serious.

 

Vickie

[Britomart]

I think the key is not to buy into someone else's praxis of biblical principles without first getting the biblical principles firmly rooted in your head and heart. If you come to a point where you truly believe in courtship, fantastic. But, if you've bought into it b/c of your parents, the circles around you, etc., then you might end up resentful, bitter, etc. I've come to face the fact that one of the reasons that this courtship model was so attractive to me was b/c of my own failure. I didn't want my daughters (or sons) to have to walk the same paths that I did and face the heartache that I did b/c of poor dating choices. I still hope they make much better choices than I did, but that their choices will arise from hearts that belong fully to Christ, rather than from fear or rules.

 

This is so wise; you put it very well. I think you've got some lucky kids.

[Cindy in C-ville]

This is so wise; you put it very well. I think you've got some lucky kids.

 

Awww Britomart and Linda, thank you! :)

[MariannNOVA]

Dh and I have been advocates for the "I Kissed Dating Good-bye" sort of way to have male/female relationships. And, for the most part, we still line up with it. However, I do think there's some balance and something to be said for good old-fashioned dating - legitimate dating with family involvement, navigating feelings, working through disappointment, establishing and protecting physical boundaries, exercising self-control and self-constraint, etc. Boundaries in Dating by Cloud and Townsend was very helpful. We're working with our daughters on establishing their principles to enable them to move toward intrinsically being motivated to purity for God's glory and ultimately their joy.

 

I think the key is not to buy into someone else's praxis of biblical principles without first getting the biblical principles firmly rooted in your head and heart. If you come to a point where you truly believe in courtship, fantastic. But, if you've bought into it b/c of your parents, the circles around you, etc., then you might end up resentful, bitter, etc. I've come to face the fact that one of the reasons that this courtship model was so attractive to me was b/c of my own failure. I didn't want my daughters (or sons) to have to walk the same paths that I did and face the heartache that I did b/c of poor dating choices. I still hope they make much better choices than I did, but that their choices will arise from hearts that belong fully to Christ, rather than from fear or rules.

 

Cindy: Your post came up in a search I did regarding 'passport to purity'- I am preparing to do that with dd12.

 

Your post is one of the most beautifully written I have read here on this board - it is articulate, right on target and spoke to my heart. Thank you.:grouphug:

[Hillary in KS]

Ds 15 read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" with his dad. Dh read it first, then gave it to ds with instructions to read it and write down any questions. They went to breakfast for a couple of Saturdays and discussed the book and ds' questions. It was a wonderful, structured way to have a conversation.

 

I've also read "Raising Purity" by Gerald Hiestand, which is, quite honestly, one of the best books on purity and relationships that I've read. Ever.

 

It's not a "Dating is evil!" book, but neither is it a "Courtship is the only Biblical model" book. It's not a step-by-step, "Here's exactly what you need to do," sort of book.

 

It examines what the Bible does say about relationships. It helped *me* to align my thinking with Scripture in that area, thus changing the sorts of conversations I had with my children. And in one of the chapters on dating I found myself thinking "Wow, I've never thought about it that way before" more than one time.

 

If you go to the "Downloads" section, you can download the first couple of chapters to sort of familiarize yourself with the book.

[Jeanne in MN]

I've read the book and liked it, but couldn't buy into it completely. I think the biggest core issue is respect! I dated a number of great guys in high school and college and don't see the need to so stiffly confine finding a spouse to courtship. Going out with a guy for fun to get to know him can be just an enjoyable time. Dating someone for a longer time, getting to know them and deciding if they are someone you wish to marry can be a beautiful thing too. It comes down to respecting who you are dating. Respecting them enough to tell them how you feel if it's not working out and gracefully ending it. Respecting them and yourself enough to be cautious about how much of your physical self you will give that other person. And so on.

[Carol in Cal.]

It seems to me that courtship can only work if a lot lot lot of people buy into at more or less the same time. I wonder whether that is a reasonable thing to expect.

[sunshine_librarian]

I really liked this book. I read it in college, after some truly bad dating years. My husband and I were happy with the results, but we had been close friends for years before we decided to start courting. After about a week we were engaged, and I think that was one of the points of the book. If you can focus on people as people then by the time you would ever approach courtship you knew them very well. At least that was my take-away. :001_smile:

[applesing]

Cindy

By the way, my son was entering the "dating age" when "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" came out. Al the courting only die hards made him run the other way. He refuses to even look at someone that is courtship only. To him (he is 25), a girl at 23 should not be looking at her dad to approve the choice.

 

 

This is something I have been wondering about. I have not read the book, but family members have read it and seem to be following its recommendations. When their daughter (who lives away from home at college) wanted to date someone, the suitor asked her father's permission. Is this what the book recommends? The situation sort of rubbed me the wrong way because the daughter has a good head on her shoulders and obviously knows the gentleman better than her father. It seemed foreign to me that the suitor would be asking her father for permission to date when the daughter is a young adult and no longer lives at home. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I am curious about the reasoning behind this, if this is a recommendation from the book. Are sons supposed to ask for permission to date, as well?

[Stacie Leigh]

I was raised on I-Kissed-Dating-Goodbye philosophy and I have genuine admiration for Joshua Harris. That said, I think that it can be dangerous to view dating as "sin" or to become totally spiritually allergic to it.

 

My sister is 24 years old and desperately wants to be married and have kids. She's thin, blonde, adorable and smart but she lives in a rural area and works all week and sometimes on the weekends planning weddings for people. She has had so much pressure put on her to do things the IKDG way that she has felt like she had to have it all together and know for certain before she could even accept an invitation from a perfectly nice Christian young man.

 

She ended up (a couple of years ago) getting secretly involved with a couple of different guys thinking that if she dated someone or told everyone and ended up being wrong, it might mean she wasn't a real Christian or couldn't hear from God.

 

I honestly wished during all of it that she would stop putting so much pressure on herself and the men around her and just go on some fun dates whether at home with the family or her favorite Mexican place.

 

I think that for a mature adult man or woman, a date is a perfectly valid thing as long as the heavy expectation is removed from it. Dating is more dangerous when you attach all these ideas that you have to qualify or disqualify this person as your future spouse right now. If it's seen as a casual and appropriate way to get to know someone then I think that is a good thing! Group dates can be great too as long as they're with safe people.

 

Now dating as a lifestyle... in other words, drifting from one serious relationship to another is not something I think any of us want for our kids. But I think there's a huge difference from being willing to become exclusive with multiple people and breaking it off over silly things over and over and getting to know people in a fun, low stress environment. (For clarity's sake, I do think that a prospective spouse should spend time with the other person's family and be seen under pressure as well. I just wouldn't throw a couple of young people directly into that level of commitment.)

 

I myself felt a ton of pressure to "know now" and at 18, married the first person I ever was in any kind of relationship with. I felt like it would be such a huge failure to have a relationship fail after both sets of parents were involved and approving. There were some red flags, but we went ahead and got married. We have struggled so much since then and we still have what I would call a difficult marriage. I never felt like I had another option.

 

That said, I didn't have a perfect childhood and I felt a need to escape that world and also to prove myself to my parents whom I did love very much.

 

Regardless of what books you study or "method" you use, it's impossible to overestimate the value of modeling what you mean to your children and making your relationship with them a safe place that they can share their fears and mistakes without fear of rejection. That alone will remove the burning need for love and approval from someone else and put your son or daughter in a place where they can use their spirit and their head and not just their emotions when choosing a future spouse.

 

Well, that's my twenty two cents anyhow, lol! :)