WWYD Re: Teen behavior and consequences

[Brindee]

I think there have been a lot of good thoughts here! None of us know the son, so it's hard for us to REALLY say what should be done, but I know I gained from reading others thoughts as well.

 

I hope the OP comes back and shares how things turned out! :D

[HSMom2One]

As a mom that has raised three sons to manhood, I say take him. In the big picture of life, I believe that love and grace are the primary lessons that mothers give their sons. Yes, I understand and hear your frustration, but please remember that he's still a very young man. Learning promptness and discipline are influenced by moms, but are most often learned from male role models and/or involvement in military, academic environments, athletics, etc. If he's at least within 5-10 minutes of your expectation, and he's making progress then I say you should congratulate him and celebrate together.

 

There's a time to be rigid and a time for grace. I hope that in this case you choose grace.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[katilac]

update??

[Rivka]

I am not a prisoner of my words. I am the parent. I am in charge. I have the authority to change my mind according to circumstances. While it may be true that I could get squeeze some additional level of compliance out of my children by having some absolute literal rule that I HAVE to beat them black and blue (or cancel the trip, or put them to bed at 5:30) I think I can get other things by being a bit more flexible. I can build trust. I can model maturity. I can laugh at myself and show them how diplomacy looks. Sometimes I might be the enforcer. Other times we might have a talk. Either way, I am very much the parent and demonstrating confidence in that role.

 

Beautifully expressed. I agree.

 

If I were you, I'd be feeling sorry that I had drawn such a harsh line in the sand and that I'd set such an extreme consequence. To me there is very little benefit to punishing a total of five minutes of lateness spread out over three separate days. I expect my children to obey my rules and treat me with respect, but my home is not a boot camp.

 

My family extends me grace when I fall short in a variety of ways. Dinner isn't always on the table when I meant for it to be. Sometimes I lose my patience and shout at my kids. Sometimes I say I'll do something for someone and then I forget or I'm too tired. Sometimes the kids want to go outside and I want to spend a few more minutes on Facebook. Sometimes I just can't stand to read my son's favorite book one.more.time. I do the best I can, but my best is not always flawless.

 

When I fall short of expectations, nothing happens to me. I'm the mom and I have power in the family. Because I have that power, I could choose to make my kids' lives a misery if they don't jump every time I say jump. I could choose to let them know that I hold all the power in their lives and that they can't have anything nice unless they obey me immediately, unquestioningly, and perfectly.

 

Or I could remember my own flaws, and try to work with my kids collaboratively on building up the standards of family behavior that we all want: kindness, courtesy, cooperation, respect, love... and grace.

 

I hope you're on the trip right now, and don't read this response until you get back.

[Tap]

You set clear boundaries with two parts. He must do it himself and he must be ready by 8:15.

 

You set consequences. If he didn't do both A and B, there would be no C.

 

 

He was pushing it each day. He knew he could be early, he chose to push the limit and be exactly on time or late. I don't think you are doing him any favors by letting him go on the trip. The trip was obviously not worth much to him, and I wouldn't give up the money or time, if he wasn't willing to give up 5 minutes of his morning to meet 8:15.

 

Grace and compassion are one thing, following through with a clear cut consequence is another.

 

To me, he chose the consequence. Assuming there wasn't some mitigating factor, ie "I couldn't take a shower b/c we were out of hot water", there is no way I would give in. And even in that circumstance, I would still expected a dressed kid to be ready at 8:15.

 

This isn't about being 2 minutes late. To me it has nothing to do with 2 minutes. It has everything to do with A+B=C.

 

 

 

BUT>>>>> I have very, very few rules in my home. Seriously few rules. We have expectations for behavior but there are no rules/consequences based on this. If I set a rule, it is serious and my kids know it. There are no arbitrary rules in my home. There are no rules that do not have clear cut consequences. Because we have so few rules (3 that I can think of LOL), and there is a reason for each one, that is why I have such a strong stance on this.

Edited May 22, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap

[EKS]

First, I want to thank everyone who responded to this thread. I really appreciate all of the thoughtful posts. I found myself agreeing with each one of you, no matter what side of the issue you were on!

 

As you may have gathered from my long silence, I decided to take him. The trip involved air travel of about 1000 miles from home and then two full days at a conference/expo type event.

 

I decided to take him for several reasons, all of which you will find echo thoughts expressed in this thread.

 

First, I realized that my line in the sand was hastily drawn and poorly considered. My excuse is that I thought compliance was a no-brainer. I mean, how difficult is it to be on time when you are really motivated? What I should have realized is that I am continually surprised by what this child finds difficult.

 

Second, I decided that since this trip was so very important to him, *not* taking him could possibly have very serious repercussions for our relationship. For the rest of his life he would remember that his mother didn't take him to the event because he was a few minutes late, and he very likely *wouldn't* remember his own role in the situation. By taking him, we were able to become closer and we created a memory to share for a lifetime.

 

Third, I realized that the only lesson he would learn if I didn't take him would be that it is appropriate to be harsh and unyielding in the face of a minor mistake. I decided that it was better to model grace and forgiveness instead.

 

Finally, as a condition of my taking him on the trip, I had also required him to be responsible in other areas and to be respectful of other family members, and in general he was. He is a great kid overall, and we're really only working on the fine tuning of certain behaviors, most of which are probably linked to his ADHD.

 

Anyway, thank you all again!

Edited May 24, 2011 by EKS

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like a perfect ending:001_smile: I'm glad that you got to make a special memory with your special boy.

[jewellsmommy]

Good job, mom! :001_smile:

 

I'm glad it went well.

[Lady Florida.]

I voted take him. I haven't read all the replies, just up to the 4th page. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying something like, "Look, I was a bit over the line when I said not a minute later", but then launch into a discussion about timeliness and responsibility. He's 15 and is going to do dumb teenage things. On the other hand, he's 15 and is more than old enough to be involved in discussions about responsibility.

 

I also agree with those who mentioned teen internal clocks. We used to start much earlier, but now it's more like 10:00, give or take half an hour. The local public high schools start at 9:30.

 

 

Your boy is growing up. How many more chances will you have to go on a mother son trip with him? Even if the event is something he wants to attend, you'll still be together. Go. Enjoy time alone with your almost grown-up son. Teach him responsibility. But also teach him that it's okay to say "I was wrong".

[Lady Florida.]

First, I want to thank everyone who responded to this thread. I really appreciate all of the thoughtful posts. I found myself agreeing with each one of you, no matter what side of the issue you were on!

 

As you may have gathered from my long silence is that I decided to take him. The trip involved air travel about 1000 miles from home and then two full days at a conference/expo type event.

 

 

Finally, as a condition of my taking him on the trip, I had also required him to be responsible in other areas and to be respectful of other family members, and in general he was. He is a great kid overall, and we're really only working on the fine tuning of certain behaviors, most of which are probably linked to his ADHD.

 

 

 

Well, I guess I should have read the whole thread before encouraging you to take him. :D I'm glad you did.

 

Re: the bolded. As the mother of a 13 year old boy with ADHD, I do understand. Our kids can be so wonderful and frustrating at the same time.

[Retired]

Let's say that I have said, "I am going to beat your black and blue if I hear one more peep out of you," (which my incredibly gentle, gentile, well-bred mother said regularly to me). If my child looks at me and says, "Peep" I can either laugh, or I can beat him black and blue. I will choose to laugh and say, "Okay, I guess you called my bluff on that." I then have numerous options to address the situation. I refuse to have my hands tied by some line in the sand.

 

I am not a prisoner of my words. I am the parent. I am in charge. I have the authority to change my mind according to circumstances. While it may be true that I could get squeeze some additional level of compliance out of my children by having some absolute literal rule that I HAVE to beat them black and blue (or cancel the trip, or put them to bed at 5:30) I think I can get other things by being a bit more flexible. I can build trust. I can model maturity. I can laugh at myself and show them how diplomacy looks. Sometimes I might be the enforcer. Other times we might have a talk. Either way, I am very much the parent and demonstrating confidence in that role.

 

I am not saying you are doing anything wrong by doing it your way - whatever works for you. But I think it's silly to say a parent who believes she can change her mind about a consequence is a liar and sinner.

 

:iagree: great post I had very authoritative father and was expected to toe the line. By 17 I hated him and his house rules. I a came home at 10:03 and got a good pop against the wall for my disrespect of his house and rules. He was very much the Christian father of everyone submissive to his home rules.

 

Sorry don't think the OP is like this but the detail time to the minute and consequences bring back bad memories

 

I am very punctual as a adult and never late. I had some hard lessons as a teen but I give a whole lot of grace to my teens with the time issue.

 

Sorry my post was late I just saw where you let him go!

Edited May 24, 2011 by Cafelattee

[Trish]

I'd be more inclined to make sure he fulfills his responsibilities for the rest of the week than quibble about morning wake-up. To me this falls more in the category of "developing good habits," not making this the hill to die on.

 

I realize it's part of an annoying pattern, but the Wake-Up time thing seems too arbitary to attach such a large punishment to.

 

JMO.

[justamouse]

Awesome.