If you have a somewhat anti-social teen girl...

[5LittleMonkeys]

come and talk to me.

 

Okay, dd13 is wonderful. She is smart, sophisticated, mature, responsible, witty, loving...she is truly a dream come true as far as what you could want in a child. I shouldn't complain at all but sometimes I worry about her. She doesn't like going anywhere and doesn't really have any friends. She won't join any clubs, doesn't like sports (except for riding\jumping), doesn't like going out even for dinner or movies with anyone, hanging out with friends... I've talked to her about it, told her that I feel bad that she doesn't have friends and that I'm concerned about her being bored but she assures me that she is perfectly content.

 

Today, I tried to talk to her about it again and she said that the reason she doesn't have any friends is because all the kids her age are into music she doesn't like, they are into clothes and makeup which she isn't interested in, they talk constantly about who is dating who, who broke up with who, who is "hot", who is popular, who stabbed who in the back...she says it all makes her sick. She said everyone she knows who is her age or even older are all immature and silly. She had a friend that she met at the horse barn who was coming over occasionally but she said she got fed up with her bad mouthing her mom and dad and said she drew the line when she started criticizing me and dh for some of the rules we have in our house.

 

As far as her being bored she said she is perfectly happy being at home with her family, working on her music, reading, playing her x-box games occasionally, working on her schoolwork, working on her role-playing website she is designing (I monitor this...it is completely safe), interacting with some online friends on a horse game website (again this is monitered), playing with her siblings, spending time with her rats, and watching movies with dh and I. She also recently asked for an acoustic guitar.

 

She is very well spoken and can carry on a conversation with anyone of any age. She recently went to career day at the AFB my dh works at and dh said many of his co-workers commented on how much more comfortable she seemed in the lab versus some other children who seemed to feel awkward and wouldn't engage in conversation or even make eye contact. That made me proud but also concerned me a little because he said she didn't interact with any of the other children. So, anyone else have dc like this? Should I worry or let her be? Dh thinks I should just keep offering different outings, clubs, events, etc. but not get upset if she declines. He said he feels there is nothing wrong with a dc growing up at home and interacting mostly with family. He said she will be out in the world soon enough and that we should let her spend her childhood in the environment she feels safest and most comfortable in. I want to agree with him but I can't help but worry. I don't really know why; maybe because in our society it has become the norm for people to have their dc in numerous activities, clubs, outings, and events. I worry that maybe she is missing out on something or will be at a disadvantage when she gets to college somehow.

 

I don't know...tell me what you think.

[J-rap]

...

Edited September 7, 2023 by J-rap

[Tarreymere]

Sounds like you have an intelligent, mature daughter. I think it is possible that she is just too mature and emotionally stable to enjoy spending time with other kids her own age who are not at all mature or stable. I'm sure you don't want to encourage her to develop friendships with older teens or young adults but maybe she would enjoy some contact with older adults or seniors who could offer her some intelligent conversation and friendship outside her immediate family. Otherwise I am sure she will be just fine on her own and will at some point meet and make friends on her own with other mature young people.

[5LittleMonkeys]

He grew up to be a very friendly, confident, happy young man, who can interact with all ages, and makes everyone feel at ease. He also found a lovely wife along the way. :) His preference to stay at home instead of socialize with kids his age while growing up didn't hurt him at all!

Anyway, hope this helps!

 

Oh, that makes me feel better! Thank you!

[Remudamom]

She sounds awful. Send her to me. 8))

[Rosie_0801]

Congratulations! If my daughter is like that when she's 13, I shall be patting myself on the back.

 

Stop worrying, or at least stop talking to her about your worries. You don't want her to feel bad for turning out well.

 

:)

Rosie

[jenangelcat]

She's fine. I was that child and I'm an introvert. It's not anti-social (hate that term). Some people just don't need people around as much as extroverts do. As an introvert I also need serious downtime after socializing. People are draining.

[5LittleMonkeys]

She sounds awful. Send her to me. 8))

 

Not a chance...but I have another one I'm willing to loan out.:tongue_smilie:

[5LittleMonkeys]

Otherwise I am sure she will be just fine on her own and will at some point meet and make friends on her own with other mature young people.

 

She did tell me that she had the whole rest of her life to make friends and that I shouldn't worry...who's the adult here?;)

 

Stop worrying, or at least stop talking to her about your worries. You don't want her to feel bad for turning out well.

 

:)

Rosie

You are right. I certainly don't want to give her a complex or anything. I'm perfectly happy with her the way she is...I'll be sure to tell her that.

 

She's fine. I was that child and I'm an introvert. It's not anti-social (hate that term). Some people just don't need people around as much as extroverts do. As an introvert I also need serious downtime after socializing. People are draining.

Wow, this is exactly dd. The day after she went with her dad to the base she spent almost the whole next day in her room blissfully alone with her music, books and her own thoughts. I'd go nuts if I spent so much time alone but apparently it is how she is wired.

 

Thank you all. I do feel better that it isn't something I'm not doing enough of. I will quit bringing it up to her too. She is such a jewel I don't want her to think there is something wrong with her, although she is a very confident young lady and probably would tell someone that there is nothing wrong with her at all and that maybe they are the one with the problem. That's probably what she thinks of me right now.:tongue_smilie:

[Petrichor]

It's not anti-social (hate that term).

 

*cough* asocial *cough*

 

I apologize, but using the word anti-social improperly is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I'm sure she's not against society(anti-social) (i.e. compulsive lying, shoplifting), so the correct term would be asocial(non-social).

 

and :seeya: since I'm new here, recommended from another forum :)

[jennynd]

I don't think she is anti-social. she just has a good head on her shoulder and making good choice. Congratulations

[5LittleMonkeys]

*cough* asocial *cough*

 

I apologize, but using the word anti-social improperly is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I'm sure she's not against society(anti-social) (i.e. compulsive lying, shoplifting), so the correct term would be asocial(non-social).

 

and :seeya: since I'm new here, recommended from another forum :)

 

 

Well, welcome and thanks for the clarification on the proper usage of the term! I looked up the true definition and no, she is not anti-social at all. :D

[Kfamily]

I think she sounds lovely...and like someone my dd would love to meet. My older dd (8th, just turned 14) sounds a lot like her. She and her younger sister are very close despite their age differences. I worry sometimes, especially lately since we've been in the middle of two moves in one year. But, she still keeps in touch through e-mail and visits every couple of months with her best childhood friend from our old hometown. These two girls are very similiar. I think it is hard for daughters like ours to meet like-minded girls. My older dd is social, but she too needs quiet time alone built into each day. And she definitely needs a whole day at home to recover if we've been out and about too much. In fact, both of my girls are this way. My dd is not interested in pop culture at all. This would be tiresome for her too. I hope this helps a little. I think your dd sounds wonderful! :001_smile:

[PiCO]

come and talk to me.

 

Okay, dd13 is wonderful. She is smart, sophisticated, mature, responsible, witty, loving...she is truly a dream come true as far as what you could want in a child. I shouldn't complain at all but sometimes I worry about her. She doesn't like going anywhere and doesn't really have any friends. She won't join any clubs, doesn't like sports (except for riding\jumping), doesn't like going out even for dinner or movies with anyone, hanging out with friends... I've talked to her about it, told her that I feel bad that she doesn't have friends and that I'm concerned about her being bored but she assures me that she is perfectly content.

 

My 12 yo is just like this. Only I need to have her in school right now, so she is exposed to people she just doesn't get 7 hrs/day.

 

But I'm an introvert also, so I get it. I just tell her to keep an eye out for others like her. They are few and far between, but she has found some friends. Of course, she lost some this year when the girls started going boy crazy. I told her to see if any of the boys are friend material. I think dating in middle school is silly (and so does she,) but when most of the girls are boy crazy, the boys can make for decent friends on the playground.

 

My dd doesn't have a lot of down time, but when she does she prefers to be alone.

[Pegasus]

This sounds very similar to my DD14. She is perfectly content staying home with her family. I've decided not to worry about the lack of friends because SHE isn't fretting. She really doesn't relate to the "clothes, make-up, and boys" subjects that most of her age-mates are into.

 

However, I have decided that she needs to be pushed to do some things outside of our house. She is volunteering at a raptor rehab center as well as at the local branch library. She is doing well in both these situations, communicating well with the adults, and receiving praise for her work. This leads me to believe that she WILL be able to function as an adult outside of her childhood home.

 

Pegasus

[Virg]

I will trade my truly anti-social dsd for your asocial dd :lol:

 

I am that way to a certain extent also (asocial I mean lol). I struggle with huge groups of people and would MUCH rather be at home with my family or a few close friends. I think she sounds remarkably mature.

[Jenny in Florida]

Today, I tried to talk to her about it again and she said that the reason she doesn't have any friends is because all the kids her age are into music she doesn't like, they are into clothes and makeup which she isn't interested in, they talk constantly about who is dating who, who broke up with who, who is "hot", who is popular, who stabbed who in the back...she says it all makes her sick. She said everyone she knows who is her age or even older are all immature and silly.

 

The thing is that she's probably right.

 

My daughter was in much the same boat starting about age 11. She had two girls she considered friends, one of whom moved. And her relationship with the other started dwindling when the other girl started middle school and got more and more interested in pop culture and popularity. (Please remember that we're not very strict about what our kids watch or listen to, for the most part. My daughter just wasn't interested in that stuff.)

 

Of course, my daughter had always preferred the company of adults. Even when she was in preschool, she spent most of her time with the classroom assistants. When I would come to collect her from the playground at church, she was reliably to be found chatting with the adult volunteer.

 

What we started doing just to get her out of the house was to let her participate in groups and activities that were based on interest rather than age. So, she became an active member of the local archaeological society and started doing community theatre. That helped a lot.

 

Even so, she didn't really make friends in her age group until she went to the early college program.

 

My son is now 13 and is a much more social being. He does a lot of theatre and is very active at our church, but he has trouble finding kids in his age range with whom he gets along well. He has two close friends, one of whom he's known since they were four and five years old. The other one he lucked into meeting at our church. He is the youngest in his group and still pretty much the leader.

 

The sad truth is that an awful lot of 13 year olds are shallow and catty and not especially interesting.

 

I'd say, as long as your daughter is content, she's probably fine. If she seems like she's wilting or lonely, I'd suggest looking for some multi-age interest-based groups and asking her to give one or more a try.

 

But if she's happy, why worry?

[GMB]

You have almost described my dd14 to a tee (minus video games). She asks, "what's wrong with being anti-social"? DD14 has only 3 identified friends, 1 of whom she sees at most once a year, one she sees twice per month at Girl Scouts, and one with whom she communicates via email multiple times a week. The latter friend is the one with whom DD14 has most in common. The second friend is her earliest remaining friend, but their interests have diverged greatly over the years. She has fun with all three girls at birthday parties, but sees none of them often. She interacts with other people in an online model horse forum and participates in a weekly high school Sunday Class. Yet she resists all efforts to connect with other homeschoolers - except for her biology lab co-op. DD14 is intelligent, articulate, and comfortable interacting with adults. She takes weekly riding lessons and guitar lessons (individual, not group at her choice). Because she likes to go to church and on outings with DH and I, I do not consider her preference to be pathological. She just marches to the beat of a different drum. Actually, DD14 is a lot like DH!

[lllll]

...

[Margo out of lurking]

Many of these characteristics fit my dd. She's very comfortable with herself, can't stand the drama/teen angst stuff that is so prevalent, really needs that time alone to re-energize. She is loving toward the rest of us and a joy to be around.

 

It is not always easy for her to talk to other people, she almost refuses to talk on the phone, she has a few very good close friends (two from several years ago). She is not social outside of her own comfort zone. I used to worry about her, but she assured me she's very happy with her life. She's perfect the way she is, and I think a lot of people would love to feel about themselves the way she does.

 

When I look back on what I was doing at 16, all I can say is THANK YOU, GOD!!!

[texasmama]

I haven't read any of the other replies, but unless you have the impression that she is depressed or unhappy in some way, I think she sounds like a perfectly normal and wonderful girl. In time, her peers will catch up to her maturity. I wouldn't worry about her.:001_smile:

[Love2Smile]

Many of these characteristics fit my dd. She's very comfortable with herself, can't stand the drama/teen angst stuff that is so prevalent, really needs that time alone to re-energize. She is loving toward the rest of us and a joy to be around.

 

It is not always easy for her to talk to other people, she almost refuses to talk on the phone, she has a few very good close friends (two from several years ago). She is not social outside of her own comfort zone. I used to worry about her, but she assured me she's very happy with her life. She's perfect the way she is, and I think a lot of people would love to feel about themselves the way she does.

 

When I look back on what I was doing at 16, all I can say is THANK YOU, GOD!!!

I thought my dd age 16 was the only one who does not like to talk on the phone!

I used to worry about my dd as well. She is 16 has NO friends, no outside activites, no sports, nada!!!!

She does not want to be around girls her age for all the reasons you described. She hates drama, talking about boys, relationships and everythign else. She does not wear any makeup, not into stylish clothes. She lives in T shirts and jeans. She is very involved in her online interactive video game as well. (Wolfquest). She makes Youtube videos, video art and I have to drag her out of the house. I use to OBSESS over her. Constantly trying to get her out, make friends, go places.

She is a very happy, content girl though. She and her sister 12 are very close, and do everything together.

Like I said, I used to lose sleep over this. Someone finally told me she is perfect the way God made her. She is a lovely young girl, smart, funny and loves being with her family.

I finally let go and accepted her the way she is. She *is* perfect. And as the person told me to stop worrying about her..*At least you know where she is*, and *it could be so much worse*.

 

And yeah, when I was 16...I don't even wanna go there. Lets just say I am so glad my daughter is not like how I was. I was partying and getting drunk! and worse!

 

So, just accept her the way she is. There is nothing wrong with being a loner or an introvert. It's the way I am now.

 

Actually, I think her and all the other girls like her are so much better off this way than dealing with all the crappola that comes with teenagers, don't you think?

[Rosie_0801]

She did tell me that she had the whole rest of her life to make friends and that I shouldn't worry...who's the adult here?;)

 

She sounds like a Capricorn :lol:

 

Rosie

[5LittleMonkeys]

She is very involved in her online interactive video game as well. (Wolfquest).

She and her sister 12 are very close, and do everything together.

 

 

 

Dd plays Wolfquest too occasionally! Right now she is on Horse Isle or Howrse a lot of the time.

 

I think the fact that dd13 and dd12 are very close has a lot to do with it too. They have live in best friends so there is no real reason to look elsewhere. (Although they do bare their claws occasionally and I have to separate them.:tongue_smilie:)

[5LittleMonkeys]

She sounds like a Capricorn :lol:

 

Rosie

 

You hit it on the head Rosie...Dec. 22!

[5LittleMonkeys]

As usual, you've all made me feel better. I even feel a little silly that I worry so much. I've never raised a teen though and I'm trying to get it right! I am soooooo thankful though that I only have to worry about her being lonely and not about all of the horrible things I know other teens have problems with. I have my perspective glasses on straight now...thank you!

[4kids4me]

Minus the sports (dd plays hockey) my dd13 is very similar. She's very content with who she is and I love that about her. ;)

[NancyNellen]

She sounds like the perfect friend for my almost 13 year old dd who is exactly the same way! (except she does get sad that she doesn't have any friends)

[bbsweetpea]

She's fine. I was that child and I'm an introvert. It's not anti-social (hate that term). Some people just don't need people around as much as extroverts do. As an introvert I also need serious downtime after socializing. People are draining.

 

This is me and the OP's post reminds me of "teen Me". I was in Choir and active at church but all the activities drained me. I had one good friend and met my husband in high school and that really was all the friends I needed. I honestly just loved reading, writing, singing, serving the Lord and spending time with family.

[LibraryLover]

I think my children are fine as they are. Some are more social than others, and that is that. Everyone is different, so I don't see any reason to fret about whether they are very social, or not very. I like who they all are as individuals. Unless you think something is wrong, I wouldn't waste any time worrying about this.

Edited April 25, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Alphabetika]

She's fine. I was that child and I'm an introvert. It's not anti-social (hate that term). Some people just don't need people around as much as extroverts do. As an introvert I also need serious downtime after socializing. People are draining.

 

 

:iagree: I've BTDT with my oldest dd for basically her whole life (and this was me, too) - it's hard to be older than your years. It's hard to find people to connect with, and sometimes (in her case, most of the time) the effort hasn't been worth it or attempts have backfired. My dd is lonely right now and she has accepted that temporarily, though it makes her sad. But if your dd is content, rest in that. You are blessed.

[rowan25]

come and talk to me.

 

Okay, dd13 is wonderful. She is smart, sophisticated, mature, responsible, witty, loving...she is truly a dream come true as far as what you could want in a child. I shouldn't complain at all but sometimes I worry about her. She doesn't like going anywhere and doesn't really have any friends. She won't join any clubs, doesn't like sports (except for riding\jumping), doesn't like going out even for dinner or movies with anyone, hanging out with friends... I've talked to her about it, told her that I feel bad that she doesn't have friends and that I'm concerned about her being bored but she assures me that she is perfectly content.

 

Today, I tried to talk to her about it again and she said that the reason she doesn't have any friends is because all the kids her age are into music she doesn't like, they are into clothes and makeup which she isn't interested in, they talk constantly about who is dating who, who broke up with who, who is "hot", who is popular, who stabbed who in the back...she says it all makes her sick. She said everyone she knows who is her age or even older are all immature and silly. She had a friend that she met at the horse barn who was coming over occasionally but she said she got fed up with her bad mouthing her mom and dad and said she drew the line when she started criticizing me and dh for some of the rules we have in our house.

 

As far as her being bored she said she is perfectly happy being at home with her family, working on her music, reading, playing her x-box games occasionally, working on her schoolwork, working on her role-playing website she is designing (I monitor this...it is completely safe), interacting with some online friends on a horse game website (again this is monitered), playing with her siblings, spending time with her rats, and watching movies with dh and I. She also recently asked for an acoustic guitar.

 

She is very well spoken and can carry on a conversation with anyone of any age. She recently went to career day at the AFB my dh works at and dh said many of his co-workers commented on how much more comfortable she seemed in the lab versus some other children who seemed to feel awkward and wouldn't engage in conversation or even make eye contact. That made me proud but also concerned me a little because he said she didn't interact with any of the other children. So, anyone else have dc like this? Should I worry or let her be? Dh thinks I should just keep offering different outings, clubs, events, etc. but not get upset if she declines. He said he feels there is nothing wrong with a dc growing up at home and interacting mostly with family. He said she will be out in the world soon enough and that we should let her spend her childhood in the environment she feels safest and most comfortable in. I want to agree with him but I can't help but worry. I don't really know why; maybe because in our society it has become the norm for people to have their dc in numerous activities, clubs, outings, and events. I worry that maybe she is missing out on something or will be at a disadvantage when she gets to college somehow.

 

I don't know...tell me what you think.

I haven't read anyone else's posts, but here goes.....

 

You just described me in high school. The only social activity I had for the first two years of high school was the actual act of going to school. The last two years I joined the chorale and the drama club, so I did those activities and an occasional social activity with those groups. But for the vast majority of the time, I was exactly how you described your daughter. I ended up going to college, working as a teacher for 7 years, meeting my husband and getting my master's with very little difficulty. I'm still happiest around my family. They understand me in ways that the outside world never did. I have one best friend (outside of my mother and husband). We met in college and have been best friends for 20 years. I've never been the type to have a multitude of friends. I'm not at ease in most social situations because I don't share the same interests as most people. I can fake it if I have to, but mostly I don't want to. I'm content at home with my own family.

 

I agree with your husband. Offer opportunities and when she's ready, she'll accept. Though I understand and, to a degree, share your concern. I see my 7 year old following in a similar path and I do worry. Maybe it's just part of being a mom. I wish you luck and peace with whatever decisions you come to. :)